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IM NOT CRYING UR CRYING - Blog Posts

weirdkidshere

2 months ago

So Matt carries around the last bit of Foggy he has when he leaves the apartment?! Puts that damn thing in the pocket that lays right over his heart??!!

Dear Jonny.

I know this is too many years too late, and this definitely is the worst way to find out about… all of this. So I’m sorry for this, first of all. Anyways…

If you’re reading this letter (fuck, how cliche) … I didn’t come home from my deployment. And not like, I ran away to France kind of didn’t come home. Like, never coming home. I don’t know if you even know I joined the Marines after I stopped fighting. But I did. Off to serve my country. So, if you’re reading this, I died for my country.

And now, writing this, days before my first tour, I know that it’s a real possibility. So I’m putting certain things in place. My will, letters to the girls, and my mama, and auntie. Stuff like that. And a letter to you. Because I’ve been selfish and stupid enough with you in my life. I can’t be selfish and stupid in my death too. If I die before I ever get to see you again and tell you this shit in person, I want you to know some things.

I’m sorry, Jay. I’m so fucking sorry. I was such a fucking asshole back then. I was possessive, and jealous, and over-protective. And I pushed you away. I made things miserable between us, because I couldn’t fucking handle my shit, and my feelings. It’s been two years, and I swear to god I think about you and us at least once a day. There’s always something that reminds me of you, or reminds me of how stupid I’ve been. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t stronger, or more rational, or more patient, or more kind. I’m sorry I wasn’t better. I need you to know that what happened between us is the biggest regret of my life. Hurting you is the worst thing I’ve ever done. And at the point that you’re reading this, I’ve probably killed at least one person. I’d still regret hurting you and losing you more.

The truth is that… I love you. Not just “I love you, man” kind of love. I’m in love with you. Yeah, present tense. I have been for so fucking long. I think I first realized how I felt about you…. 6 months after we met. I think even during that time I was in denial, because I didn’t know how to reconcile the fact that you were a guy. But it didn’t matter. I was confused, and I didn’t understand… But I understood that you smiling at me was the best thing I’ve ever fucking felt. And I understood that if I smiled, you’d smile back. You always joked that I only ever smiled with you… That’s why. I didn’t care about smiling at anyone else, because it didn’t feel like it did with you. God, how gay is that? haha. Guess I shouldn’t be confused about that anymore, huh?

You were my best friend, Jonny. You were the only person I ever wanted to spend time with, and I only ever wanted you to spend time with me. You going away to college was so fucking hard, because I knew it meant that I’d missed my chance. Whatever slim chance I ever could have had. But you were going away, and you hadn’t even been there two weeks, and you were already telling me about this new guy you were dating. And fuck… Being jealous was bad enough, but then you were telling me that he was taking you to parties and introducing you to that… bullshit. And then i was angry, and protective, and scared for you. All of that, plus being so hopelessly fucking in love with you, and so god damn lonely… I didn’t know how to handle all those fucking feelings. So I was just a dick. I was mean to you because all my frustration just turned into aggression, i guess… Then you were upset and hurt, and you didn’t understand, and I just got more angry and frustrated at myself. I’m so fucking sorry I wasn’t better.

I remember that night. When we were so fucking crossfaded, and at that stupid party, and you kissed me. Oh my god. You laughed when you kissed me, and I’m pretty sure I almost passed out. You sitting on my lap was nothing new, but I can remember the way you felt that night so clearly. And the way my heart pounded so hard the whole time. And everything that happened after that… I remember. I should have said something, but… I just thought, you were drunk, and you wanted affection. And I was always there to give that to you. Why would this be any different? Plus, i was so drunk, and after kissing you, I couldn’t figure out how to ask you to stay. I thought you were gonna come back. I woke up in the middle of the night, after I passed out, and I was so heartbroken, because you weren’t there. You’d left. And I didn’t understand why. You never leave. I figured that meant you regretted what happened. And I was so scared to have that confirmed, so I never brought it up. And I figured if you wanted it to happen again, you would have said something. Because… you’re you. And you’re not afraid to ask for what you want. But you didn’t ask for me again, and that was my answer. Maybe I was wrong, and maybe that was my biggest mistake. But sometimes I still dream about the way your lips tasted that night.

Anyways… this is sappy enough. And I realize that this might just make everything worse, especially now that I’m dead. So, I’m sorry. If this makes it worse. But I just couldn’t die without making sure you knew all this stuff.

I love you, Jay. I’ve loved you, so much, for so long. Don’t let piece of shit guys fuck with you. You’re a god damn masterpiece, kid. And I know you’re gonna put so much beauty in this world. I’m sad I’ll never get to see it. Please, take care of yourself. And find happiness. You deserve it more than anyone I have ever met in this stupid life.

Give ‘em hell, pretty boy.

- Jaxon Benjamin Sawyer. (aka jaxy)