On december 2020 I wrote about my grandma’s passing. I’ve just read the post again and it says that “it’s the first time someone close to me dies”.
oh, well.
Next thursday will be the first month anniversary of one of my classmate’s death. It’s the fourth death of the year. So far it’s been two illnesses, one suicide and one accident.
He wasn’t my friend, I didn’t know a lot about him, except that he would have been a much better engenieer than I’ll ever be. I think we were going to graduate at the same time. It’s not fair.
I found out right outside the lab where I saw him for the last time. We were there with the rest of our group the day they told us classes were cancelled because of covid. We cheered and laughed and said good bye and see you soon.
We were not scared. We didn’t know.
I mean, of course we were in the same group chats and online classes for the next couple years, and even teamed up in some projects, but I never saw him again.
It was an accident. He was riding his bike. It was not supposed to happen. We were supposed to graduate together. We were all supposed to make it.
I feel guilty because I chose not to go to the funeral, or the ceremony, or the homage. I didn’t tell his family and friends I was sorry for their loss. And I was. I am. I just really didn’t want to go. I would have felt totally out of place. I was not his family, I was not his friend. I barely knew him. And it still hurt.
It still hurts.
Classes start again next week, and he is not going to be there. We are going to sit there and take the lessons and do the homework and listen to the teachers and complain about all of it. And he is not going to be there.
We are going to graduate without him, and all the good things he could have made in the world are never gonna happen. All because of a fucking accident. It’s not fair. It’s just not.
I don’t know why this death struck me more than the other three. Maybe because it affects me directly. Maybe cause he was my age. Maybe cause it was so sudden. Maybe cause now I’m scared someone I love will walk out the door and I’ll never see them again.
There. I said it. I’m scared. I’m really fucking scared. I can’t do anything to stop things like this from happening, and it’s absolutely fucking terrifying.
That’s all I have to say. for now.