sometimes i like to think that i could get that with friends, like i could dance with friends, or talk with them or them being my comfort...
but sometimes i feel as if i know that not only that wouldn't be even close, but alright simply imposible. People would not give me their comfort or their love as for they have someone else... and i would never
even if the only thing that i could get out of it is the pain of being unloved... sometimes it feels as if even that would be a gift, instead of being unable to love.
99% of the time I'm fine with being aro/ace. If the struggles of my friends tell me anything it's that relationships/dating tends to cause them more problems than anything else. 99% of the time I'm fine with simply entertaining myself with imaginary romance. A moment where I'll imagine myself dancing and goofing off with whichever fictional character currently has my attention, the moment intimate but not sexual. I imagine what it might be like to love romantically in that moment, the music that spurred the daydream playing on the radio, a ghost smiling lovingly back at me through the mundane work of my job; a ghost that will never have a physical hand to hold, the love in their eyes nothing but a reflection of what I've seen in movies. And then the moment ends, and I feel an indescribable loneliness knowing that I can't feel that way with a real person. As much as I want to, my brain and heart have decided that's not for me. I can love my friends, I can love my family. But the love of a partner that makes your heart flutter and draws your eyes to their lips, your hands to theirs, the world seeming to slow around you... That's reserved for everyone else. All I have is the imaginary, and the ghosts in my head.