Hurt My Own Feelings Writing This Tbh :/ - Blog Posts

there   is   a   part   of   helaena   that   knows,    that   understands   the   way   her   mother   had   formed   her   own   conjecture        –        had   come   to   the   idea   that   this   had   been   the   answer   required   to   keep   her   safe,    and   yet        .   .   .        there   is   another   notion   altogether,    buried   deeper   down   that   she   cannot   help   but   to   hear   bubble   off   in   the   wind,    asking,    wondering,    if   her   mother   had   ever   considered   the   fact   that   aegon   and   the   word   mercy   did   not   ever   belong   in   the   same   sentence. 

too   fragile,    too   broken   on   his   own   accord;    suffering   at   the   same   cruel   hands   of   fate   that'd   been   dealt   to   her,    it   was   no   wonder   all   three   of   the   queen's   children   held   their   own   unfortunate   misgivings.    helaena   flinches   as   her   mother   steps   closer,    a   nervous   habit        –        a   worrisome,    rabbit's   heart   within   her   chest;    she'd   not   been   well   since   their   boy   had   died.    since   helaena   had   been   forced   to   choose.    her   hands   wring   together   in   her   lap,    another   nervous   tic,    inherited   no   doubt   from   the   woman   that   stands   before   her. 

“i   do   not   feel        .   .   .        much   loved   in   this   moment,    mother.”       spoken   truthfully,    honestly,    as   her   hand   releases   its   hold   on   itself   and   extends   out   from   her   lap,    reaching   out   in   search   of   alicent's   hand   and   curling   delicate,    nimble   fingers   round   into   hers.    the   way   she   has   ever   since   she   was   a   child.    “i   am        –     terrified,    i   do   not   want   this.    i   do   not   want   for   any   of   it.    and   yet   i   know   there   is   nothing   i   can   do   or   say   to   release   myself   from   it.” 

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐌𝐎𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑 𝐈𝐍 𝐇𝐄𝐑 𝐖𝐈𝐋𝐋 𝐀𝐋𝐖𝐀𝐘𝐒 𝐇𝐀𝐓𝐄 𝐒𝐄𝐄𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐄𝐗𝐏𝐑𝐄𝐒𝐒𝐈𝐎𝐍, 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐕𝐎𝐈𝐂𝐄. a voice that, in her mind, whispers nothing but wrong decision & failure. to know she's had a hand, no matter how inconsequential it felt at the time, in helaena's pain was enough to make her stomach turn. to cause another crack in her heart. like helaena, alicent lives her life in a certain state of discomfort which never wavers . . except now, she feels, when things look to be worsening rather than getting better. was this the gods punishment onto her, then ? ( to see her children, one by one, turn on her or destroy themselves. to witness their suffering & only have empty palms to remedy it. a mother is suppose to comfort her children, to assure them, to make them as content as possible. why couldn't she ever do that one thing right ? why, gods, why ! )

@petitmortes said, " DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU THAT I NEVER WANTED THIS TO BEGIN WITH ? "

brown eyes, so full of sorrows as of late, widened as mouth hangs slightly agape. hand rests about her stomach to keep teeth from picking at skin, a shaky breath taken before the mother can speak: ❛ of course i have, helaena. ❜ spoken softly, voice thick. tears well in the queens eyes, but none fall in the moment. ❛ i- . . marrying you to aegon felt like a mercy. it felt better. better you marry someone you know than a stranger. better you remain somewhere familiar, surrounded by those whom love you. ❜ all the things i was not spared, not given, briefly thought internally. lips press together, discomfort settling into her bones, as alicent takes a step forward. ❛ my girl, do you know how it hurts me to look at you at times & see a mirror of myself ? to know i . . i was the cause of some of your pain, your discomfort, when i believed myself protecting you. ❜