Stuff like this is pretty livejournal but whateverrr. This is an art tumblr and if I'm not gonna post art I might as well complain about it WOO
I thought about it a lot more and realized that I AM shy. Not in general, I don't really have any social anxiety IRL, though sometimes people think I am shy (or a huge snob) because I'm super quiet or whatever. I am TOTALLY freakin shy about my art tho omg. I remember telling my mom that if I ever had my own gallery show I wouldn't be able to actually be there, ohmygod, a room full of people looking at my art with me THERE? NOPE I'm one of those assholes who won't let people look in my sketchbook. Its not like its a diary or anything but nope. nope.
I wasn't like this at ALL when I was small but when you're a hypersensitive hyperemotional weird kid you either learn to grow a thick skin (which everyone in the damn world insists sensitive people do, guess what, it's not always possible, this is how I am MADE) or you just make a container for youself deep inside and you don't share it with anybody. I am made almost entirely out of secrets. A two dimensional holographic projection, only one side visible. I feel like there is pressure to share my creative self on one hand and then on the other hand I'm supposed to just let the downsides of getting attention just slide off my back? When that stuff hits me way harder than it has any right to? I've been doing this long enough to have figured out what I can and can't handle. And YEAH it's honestly not much! I don't WANT to be this way but I've spent over 10 years trying to change and it didn't work so why should I feel ashamed anymore. Maybe someday things will change and I'll be in a safer place for all this. I'd like that because I believe I have a LOT to offer, everyone wants to make their mark in the world I guess. I have some ideas and plans for my life but I dunno if that'll be what makes the difference. MAYBE SOMEDAY I'll just be this unstoppable fountain of awesome creative works.
I'll keep striving to make that happen. It just hasn't yet. SHRUG.