Aquarius: Cthulhu will seek your aid. You'll be too busy partying with your aunt to hear his call. Yet another year the Dark One will remain shackled #standagainstshackles Pisces: You will dream of an endless horizon, and then Santa will kidnap you and deliver you to your secret admirer. Better hope he/she was nice this year, otherwise expect to be turned into coal. Aries: Gondor's horn will be heard everywhere. Will you come to there aid? No. You're part of Mordor now. The Hobbitses must pay for not eating 5hat rabbit raw. Taurus: No matter how much Red Bull you drink, you will not die of an overdose during Christmas. Better go buy your children presents already. Gemini: You look into the mirror and notice a zit. As you pop it, you suddenly see a reflection of your younger self in the zit. And then you see only darkness. Do not stare too long, younglings. We all know what tragedy befalls those that stare into the abyss... Cancer: You run out of toilet paper. Rhubarb leaves are poisonous to ingest. Leo: You get a glimpse of what happens in the next season of Game of Thrones. Everybody dies. Huge shocker. Jon Snow starts his own Blues band. Virgo: You die a virgin. Not necessarily this year, but it's written in the stars, darling. It's there for a reason. You also banish your aunt Gertrude to the seventh realm of Ka'hlau for yet again buying you socks. Libra: The scales tip in your favour. Expect to gain at least 10lbs. You discover that your mother doesn't really exist. She was just a massive prank pulled by your local government. You gain the power to talk to sewage. Scorpio: You discover that the true spirit of Christmas is a malevolent one. Don't tell anyone. You're in this alone. It speaks to you in ancient tongues, comforting you. Do not go gently into that dark night. Sagittarius: You obtain a brand new staff that increases your aiming tenfold. Unfortunately this only applies whilst it is equipped. You put it in the same box that contains your ice cream toaster and solar-powered flashlight