Bucky X Female Reader - Blog Posts

fresh start (b.b.)

Summary: bucky tries to surprise you by bringing home supplies to cut his hair, but he's a terrible lair, and terrible at hiding things.

Warnings: so much fluff, bucky being in love, angst if you squint, TFATWS!bucky, female!reader, soft!bucky, mentions of death, implied smut

Side note: asdfghjk fluffy bucky makes me so soft, i love it so much❤️feel free to reblog, comment, and like this! it makes me happy when you guys do :) enjoy!

ps, i know i keep changing my style of headers, i’m just trying to see which one i’m comfortable with :)

It was a cold November evening, the sun setting low in the sky casting yellow and orange rays through the curtains, making it look like the living room was on fire. You sat curled up on the couch, thumbing through the book you had picked up while you ran out for coffee earlier. Slow forties music played softly through the stereo, and you hummed quietly to the tune.

Before you met Bucky you would have laughed at the thought of enjoying any music past the 60's. But the more Bucky played it, the more you grew to like it. You would have laughed at yourself a year ago thinking you would end up with James Buchanan Barnes. But here you were, giving lazy good morning kisses and heated nights in bed.

You heard the apartment door open and the sound of keys being set down on the counter. "Hey doll." Bucky muttered behind you, planting a soft kiss on the top of your head. "Brought dinner." He handed you a take out container of Chinese food.

You set you book down on the end table and stretched your arms out. "How was your date with Yori?" You yawned, the corner of your lips twitching into a smirk.

"Date." He scoffed, echoing your words. "It's not easy finding someone who's the same age as you are, ya know, shared life experience and all."

"But he doesn't know you're 106?"

"He's 90. It's close enough." He chuckled, sitting down next to you, his arm snaking around your shoulders.

You smiled to yourself, taking a bite of your dumplings. The two of you sat in a comfortable silence as you ate. Bucky scrolled through his phone while tapping his foot along to the music. It's nights like these that remind you of why you fell in love with him in the first place. Time just seemed to slow when you were with him, everything was in it's place and was perfect. You loved his entire body relaxed around you, the creases in his face softening. The way his long hair framed his face, curls touching the bottom of his chin.

You gulped down the last of your dumplings and got up to throw out of container. As you passed the kitchen counter, you saw a grocery bag sitting on one of the chairs. You tossed the container is the garbage and grabbed the bag, opening it up. You barely got a glimpse inside before Bucky was jumping over the back of the couch, snatching it out of your hands.

"Hey! That's private stuff!" He said, hiding the bag behind is back. You set you hands on your hips, raising your eyebrow.

"What did you buy now, Bucky?" You chided. Ever since Bucky had came back from being blipped, he's been trying new things. Buying random items that just seem to interest him. His spending spree had been the butt of a joke ever since you started dating.

"Nothing, nothing." His eyes couldn't meet yours. "Nothing stupid, anyway."

"Then why can't I see?" You reached for the bag again, but he moved it out of your reach.

"It's a surprise." He gave you a lopsided grin.

"Uh huh." You rolled your eyes. "I'm going to take a bath. You can join me if you want, or you can stay out here and play with your secrets." You wiggled your fingertips at him as you walked past.

You saw Bucky's bottom lip pout out as you headed towards the bathroom. You watched as he stuck the bag on top of the fridge and you smirked. It was funny for him to think that you couldn't reach it up there.

You turned the faucet to the bath on, sticking your finger under the stream to feel the water. Once you got it to the temperature you wanted, you plugged the drain and shed off your warm clothes. Goosebumps pricked your skin as you exposed it to the cold air, making you shiver. You felt a large arm wrap around you and pull you close, his nose nuzzling into your hair.

The hot water felt like heaven as you stepped in, Bucky coming in behind you. You both sunk down in the water, your back leaning against his broad chest. His chin came to rest on your shoulder, his arms wrapping completely around you. His long hair tickled your cheek, making you squirm.

"I killed Yori's son." He blurted out suddenly. "I'm putting him down on the list."

"How do you know?" You muttered against his cheek.

"Saw a picture of him in his apartment. Had a nightmare the other night." He whispered. "He was in the same hotel as the targets I was taking out. He saw me, so I killed him. No loose ends."

You sighed, hands reaching up to stroke his hair. "What are you gonna tell him?"

"I don't know."

You sat there quietly, unsure of what to say. The noise of water sloshing in the tub filled the silence.

"Just tell him the truth." You said finally.

Bucky didn't respond. Instead, he pulled you even closer to him, hiding his face in the crook of your neck. You closed your eyes, fingertips stroking over his scared arm.

You weren't sure how long the two of you sat like that, holding each other. You were beginning to doze off when you felt Bucky shift under you. Suddenly, you were aware of how the hot water was starting to turn cold and your hands felt prune-y.

Moving his arms off your waist, you stood up and let the water drip off of you before grabbing a towel. You dried off and Bucky did the same. You quickly walked into your bedroom, your body starting to feel cold after soaking in a hot bathtub. You slipped one on his long tee shirts, and opted for a simply pair of lacy black panties.

Hearing the sound of Bucky's dog tags softly clinking against his chest, you turned in look at him. The white towel hung low on his hips, his V line peaking out. His ab's rippled as he moved, his pictorials popping out. Your tongue swiped across your bottom lip, and you looked away, not wanting to meet his intense gaze.

Bucky's eyes ran across your body, his heart leaping when seeing that you were wearing his shirt. He loved it when you did that. You were so small compared to his, making it look like you were drowning in his clothes. He dropped his towel, tossing it in the laundry basket before pulling his grey sweatpants over his still damp legs.

You sat down on the foot of the bed, watching him as he got dressed. When he crossed the room, he leaned down to press a gentle kiss on your forehead. Smiling, you grabbed his cheeks, forcing him to kiss you on the mouth. Bucky's plump lips pressed tightly onto yours and you nibbled on his bottom lip, receiving a small whimper in return. His tongue slipped into your mouth and it swirled around with yours, fighting for dominance.

Humming in satisfaction, you pulled away. His lips were red and puffy from the friction on them, probably matching your own. He looked at you through his eyelashes, his sky colored eyes piercing your heart.

"You're such a tease." He groaned, flopping on top of you, pinning you to the bed. You squealed at the sudden feeling of you being squashed.

"You know you love it." You giggled, digging your fingers into his rib cage. As much as Bucky likes to deny it, you knew he was ticklish.

"No, you love it. It's torture to me." He declared, tickling you back. You squealed again, your body squirming underneath his.

"Okay, okay!" You yelled through laughter. "I do like it, it makes you needy. That leads to some of the best sex we've ever had."

"Let me show you how needy I can be." He growled in your ear, nipping at the nape of your neck. You shuddered at the feeling, Bucky knew that was your sweet spot.

You moaned softly, but quickly snapped out of it. You reached around him, fisting his hair and tugging on it, making him look at you. He groaned at the feeling.

"You don't get to fuck me until you show me what's in the bag." You stated promptly, releasing his hair.

"What? That ain't fair!" He protested.

"No bag? No sex."

Bucky groaned again, this time in annoyance. He pushed himself off of you and stood up. Grabbing your hand, he lead you out to the kitchen. He let go of you and reached up to get the bag. You quickly snatched it from him before he could change his mind, setting it down on the table with a thunk.

You opened it, peering inside. You frowned in confusion, pulling out an electric razor, hair scissors, and some pomade. You looked up, still confused. Bucky seemed almost embarrassed, shifting his weight back and forth on his feet.

"What, hair cutting stuff? I thought you didn't want to cut your hair?"

"I guess I changed my mind." He shrugged. "It was supposed to be a surprise."

"Well, it still is." You laughed. "I never thought in a million years you would cut it." He shrugged again, looking away. "Baby," You said softly, feeling a light mood switch into something else.

"Hmm?"

"Why do you want to cut your hair?"

"I-I," He stuttered. You laced your arms around his neck, wanting him to know that you were there for him. “I just need a fresh start. I haven't had my hair short since-" He took a shuddering breath. "Since World War Two. When I woke up from being the Winter Soldier, I never had enough time. Moving from one battle to the next. I spent two years in Wakanda, but I was in cyrofreeze most of the time." He sighed, his forehead coming to rest on yours. "I just need a fresh start, to put everything that has happened behind me."

This was one of the things Bucky loved about you. He could just talk, ramble on for hours and you would sit and listen, soaking up every word he said. Never interrupting, telling him that what he was saying was stupid-unless it actually was stupid. His gaze finally landed back on yours, the love that was pouring out of your soft eyes made him feel better.

You stood on your tiptoes and placed a kiss on the tip of his nose. A smile crept the corners of your mouth. "I can cut it for you." You whispered. Bucky's eyes lit up in excitement. "Plus, it'll be better than the hack job you'd do."

"Hey!" He spanked your bum, laughing.

"Sit down." You giggled, pulling a chair up for him.

You ran and grabbed a spray bottle while Bucky got comfy. You filled it with water and returned to him, misting it over his hair. You grabbed the shears and straightened it out, pulling all of it to his back.

"How short do you want it?" You asked, running your fingers through his hair.

"Whatever you wanna do, doll." He replied.

He heard the scissors snip and watched as a good chunk of it floated to the ground.

"There's no going back now." You hummed, continuing to cut up towards his scalp.

After you cut off most of the length, you reached over his shoulder and grabbed the razor. You turned it on and it buzzed to life. You brought it up to his head, careful not to cut it too short. The razor had a guard on, so it left the patch you had started on feeling fuzzy. You continued to do that around his head, leaving the top a little bit longer than the rest.

You moved to his front, using the scissors to style it a little bit more before you finished. Grabbing the pomade, you squeezed a glob of it into your palm. You rubbed your hands together spreading it around. You ran your hands through his hair, fluffing it up a bit. You got it to lay exactly how you wanted and stepped back, admiring your work.

"Excuse me, sir? Have you seen my Bucky anywhere? I've seemed to have lost him again." You said, fake concern in your voice. Bucky rolled his eyes at you. "Go look, babe. I like it." You tapped him on the shoulder, letting him know you were done.

Bucky disappeared into the bathroom and you turned to the kitchen sink to wash the sticky pomade off your hands. You went and grabbed a broom and dust pan, sweeping up the locks of hair you cut off. When you were done, you looked up and saw Bucky standing in front of you, smiling like an idiot.

"You like it?" You smiled.

"I love it." His soft eyes sparkled with happiness.

"See? Told you, you would have ended up cutting your ear off if I didn't do it."

Bucky didn't answer. Instead, he grabbed you by the hips and lifted on you onto the table. His body moved in between your legs and you instinctively wrapped them around his hips, your arms wrapping around his thick neck.

He kissed you, hard, his palm of his hands digging into your hips. You kissed him back with such passion that it felt like he was sucking all the air of your lungs. He suddenly pulled away, his chest heaving.

"I love you, doll." Bucky murmured, lifting a hand to tuck your hair behind you ear.

"I love you too, Buck."

"Now, what were you saying about me needy?"

Oh, you were in for one hell of a night.

pls lmk if you want to be added to my tag list!!

hi loves! i need so ideas for some one-shots/imagines. it can be anyone from the mcu :) idc what it is, smut, angst, fluff, etc. plsss leave me something!!

Bucky x female!reader

Warnings: smut. literal pure filth, pretty vanilla tho. praise!kink. a pinch of angst and a lot of fluff- perfect for a bucky fic:) 18+ MINORS DNI

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You hummed quietly, cleaning up the mess you had made in the kitchen. It was around sometime around midnight and you were an avid night time snacker. The rest of the avengers has since long gone to bed, leaving you alone. You grabbed the plate that had your freshly made grilled cheese and plopped down on the couch, switching on the large TV.

You decided on watching a true crime series that Nat has been begging you to watch. It was good, so far. You would have to thank her for basically forcing you to watch it. You scarfed down the rest of the grilled cheese and set the plate beside you on the coffee table. Finally noticing how tired you were, yawning heavily you laid down on the couch, determined to watch the rest of the episode.

You woke up slowly, your ears picking up on the quietly clinking of glass. The TV had long went into stand by mode, which had you wondering what time it was. Hearing someone sniffle, you sat up, using your elbows as support.

You saw the outline of someone standing at the sink, their shoulders rising and falling like they were taking quick breathes. “Everything okay?” You called out cautiously.

“Jesus fuck.” A deep voice grumbled, surprised. It was Bucky. “That’s a good way to get punched, Y/N.”

You chuckled tiredly. “Sorry Buck. What are you doing up so late?” He didn’t answer. Instead, he took his glass full of whiskey and sat down at the breakfast nook. “Alright then.” Y/N tossed the blanket off of her and moved over to where Bucky sat. “Why are you up?” You repeated, sliding into the stool across from him.

“Just couldn’t sleep. Didn’t mean to wake you up.” He mumbled back, taking a sip of his drink.

“S’kay, I didn’t want to sleep out here anyway.” You replied, scratching the back of your neck. “Did you have another nightmare again?” Bucky halted in the middle of another sip, his eyes meeting yours. He slowly set the glass down and shook his head.

“No.”

“You don’t have to lie, Buck. It’s just us out here.” You said quietly, reaching for his metal hand. “I get them too.”

He jerked his arm away from you, placing it in his lap. You frowned at him. “You wanna know what I was dreaming about?” You asked him. He raised an eyebrow at you. “My sister.”

“You’ve never mentioned you have a sister.” Bucky commented.

“Had. I had a sister. She died protecting me during the war in my home country. I must have been 10 or 11. I can’t really remember anymore. I tried to save her. I think I held her bleeding neck for at least a day. That’s when Hydra found me, and they gave me the ability to heal their wounded soldiers. It's a reminder, for what I couldn’t save.” You looked down at your hands, which were shaking slightly. You sighed heavily and shook your head, catching Buckys eye.

“But that’s not what I remember when I dream about her. I remember the good times. When we would go down to the lake a swim all day until we were pruning.” You chuckled to yourself. “Or when my dad would be working late in the mines and she would make the best chicken sandwiches.”

“She sounded like a good sister.”

“She was. But I choose to remember the good times, Bucky. She kept me strong during Hydra’s torture, and she still keeps me strong when you guys come off the battle field all bloody and bruised up.” You once again, reached for Bucky’s hand desperately wanting to let him know that you were there for him. This time he let you touch him, a hushed sigh falling from his lips.

“I know. And I try. Sometimes I just slip up and-” He cut himself off, sniffed loudly and looked away. His voice trembled a bit when he spoke again. “I’m just not as strong as some people think.”

Not being able to take it anymore, Y/N stood up and crossed the table, wrapping Bucky in a tight hug. She sat down on his thigh and buried her face in the crook of his neck. Bucky froze for a split second before his arms snaked around her hips. The two of you sat there for a long time, holding each other.

Y/N gently rubbed the back of his neck, trying to get the tension out. Bucky moaned softly and she felt something spring to life in the pit of her stomach. That’s when she realized how close they actually were. She could smell the whiskey coming off his breathe, and his hair smelt like cedar wood. She could feel his heart pounding against his chest and his hands gripped her hips just a little tighter.

You lifted your head away from his neck, to look at him. Their eyes connected, his icy blues staring into hers. “Bucky…” You whispered, her hands coming around to touch his cheek, her thumb resting on his chiseled jaw line. “Kiss me…”

Bucky instantly connected his to yours, with such ferocity that it almost knocked your breathe out of your chest. You cupped just face, gripping his long hair in your hands and tugged at it slightly. Bucky moaned in her mouth, biting down on your bottom lip. You could feel this cock growing underneath his thin pajama pants, which just made you more eager for his touch. He moved his lips from yours to your neck, biting down and sucking, marking you.

His large hands squeezed your hips and pulled you in closer, your core rubbing up against his cock. The two of you moaned in unison at the contact. One hand left your hip, and traveled up your night shirt, cupping your breasts. You couldn’t remember the last time someone had touched you like this. And neither could Bucky. So you were both desperate and needy, itching for release and satisfaction.

“I hear you at night, ya know.” Bucky growled against your neck, send vibrations to your skull. “The way you moan my name, fucking your tight little pussy with your toy.” Y/N shivered, her face turning red. “Are you gonna moan like that for me tonight, hmmm doll?” His normal hand pinched your nipple, pulling on it a bit. You hips rutted against his, dying for his touch. “Or are you gonna be so fucked out you won’t be able to speak?”

“B-Bucky.” You whimpered. “Please. Touch me.” He chuckled darkly, his metal hand dipping past your waistline. You could feel your heartbeat down in your cunt. His cold hand against your heat made you hiss in both pleasure and shock.

“Oh doll you’re drenched.” He muttered, his fingers rubbing your lips. “Was this all for me?”

“Y-yes.” You whined. He chuckled again and inserted a finger, stopping at his first knuckle. “Please, Bucky.” He pushed forward slowly and then slowly dragged in bag out. You groaned in protest and opened your mouth to say something, but was cut off by him fully putting his fingers in. “Oh, fuck!” You gasped.

As his index finger pushed in and out of you, his thumb gently rubbed your clit, making slow and deliberate circles. You could feel your walls tightening around him, the cord inside of you pulling tighter and tighter. Before you were able to come, he pulled out and sucked his finger, humming.

“What-”

“You only get to cum on my face or on my cock.” He growled, grabbing the back of your thighs. He suddenly stood up and carried you over to the couch, setting you down gently. You rid yourself of your shirt and removed Buckys as well, tossing them somewhere behind the couch. He knelt down in front of you, latching his mouth to your tits. Your back arched and you let out a guttural groan. “How are you so perfect?” He said through a mouth full of your breasts. You smiled shyly and ran your hands through his hair.

“I’m not.” You hummed.

“I’ll show you how perfect you really are, then.” His lips traveled down your stomach, kissing and biting as he went. He stopped just below your navel and grabbed your underwear with his teeth, dragging them off of you. The cold air that hit your pussy made you shiver, sending goosebumps up your arms. Bucky tossed your legs over his bare shoulders and peered up at you. His eyes were blown with lust and need. “You know,” Bucky said as he kissed your inner thigh. “When you’re touching this pretty little pussy-” His lips ghosted over your core which coaxed a moan out of you. “I touch myself too.” He kissed your other thigh. “Pretending it’s my cock that’s making you moan and cry like that.”

Your eyes fluttered shut as he hovered over your clit, your stomach doing loops at the thought of Bucky chasing after his own orgasm while listening to you. One of his thick fingers slowly dragged down your slick and inserted it at a agonizing slow pace. You whimpered and bit down on your bottom lip.

“Beg for it.” You heard him whisper.

“Bucky please.” You cried. “P-please I need to cum please.” His pace didn’t change any. “Fuck Bucky- baby- please do something-”

He snarled at the words that were spilling out of your mouth, and began lapping up your juices with such ferocity that you thought he was starving. His fingers pumped in and out of you, curling ever so slightly to hit that sweet spot. Your mouth hung open in an O shape as he worked you, unable to string any piece of thought together. That cord in your belly began pulling tighter and tighter and your ears began to ring.

When the cord snapped, you saw stars and fireworks shoot off behind your eye lids. Your body twisted around Buckys mouth and he reached up, pinning your hips to the couch. “Oh fuck!” You panted. “Fuck, fuck, fuck!”

Bucky pulled away after riding out your high, leaving you with an empty feeling inside. He sat back on his heels with a smirk on his face. His beard glistened with your cum, and it dribbled down his chest.

“Always knew you were a squirter, doll.” He grinned, licking his fingers. “Hmmm, so sweet.” You felt a blush creep across your cheeks. "Oh no, doll. Don't be embarrassed, it's so fucking hot."

His sat up and placed his arms on either side of your head, using the back of the couch for support. You could feel his achingly hard member rub across your cunt. Reaching down, you palmed at him and your eyes widened. Bucky was absolutely hung. He laughed at your reaction. There was no way he could possibly fit all of that inside of you without completely ruining you.

"Y/N." He said, his tone dropping. Your eyes found his. "Are you sure you want to do this? We can stop if you-"

You cut his sentence off by leaning up and kissing him. He sighed contently and kissed you back softly. His normal hand tucked a strand of hair behind your ear, his fingers traveling to the back of your head. You pulled away, chest rising and falling hard.

Bucky smiled sweetly at his as he shimmed out of his pants. You sat up and reached for his cock, wanting to return the favor of you giving him head. He suddenly snatched your wrists, pinning them above your head.

"Nuhuh, I want to pleasure you tonight. You can suck me off another time." He winked at you, and you grinned to yourself. So this wouldn't be one time thing, huh? Bucky spat in in the palm of his hand, and rubbed it up and down his cock. Salty precum was already leaking off of his angry red tip. "If I hurt you baby please say something." You nodded up at him.

His cock poked at your entrance and he slowly pushed into you. You hissed at the sudden intrusion, trying to relax yourself around him. You both moaned as he bottomed out inside of you, his tip poking at your cervix.

"Your so fucking tight." He whimpered, his head falling in the crook of your neck. "Feels so good around my cock, doll." He slowly pulled back out, and pushed back in at the same pace. "How you expect me to last long when you feel this good?"

You smirked and wrapped your legs around his waste, allowing him to feel and different angle. He growled into your neck, his hips picking up the pace. Moaning, you gripped his broad shoulders, your nails pressing into his skin. "So fucking perfect." He whispered. "So good, so mine."

"I'm gonna cum again." You whined, clawing at his back. He moaned, his hips snapping faster. "Oh fuck, oh shit."

Just as you were about to release, he fully pulled out of you and knelt down. He delved down to your core, lips sucking your clit. You whined and grabbed his hair tugging at it. You felt the cord snap again and your vision blurred as you came, chanting Bucky's name.

Coming down from your high, you grabbed Bucky by his shoulders and forced him to lay down on the couch. You leaned down and smashed your lips on his, tasting yourself on his tongue. Still kissing you, you leveled yourself down on his cock and plunged down on it. He groaned, his hands finding your hips. You pulled away from his mouth and pressed your forehead into his.

You could feel his cock pulsing against your velvet walls, encouraging you to move. You lifted your hips up and brought them back down, and a breathy moan escaped your lips. You worked his cock slowly at first, loving the expressions Bucky made as you fucked yourself on his cock.

You rocked your hips forward and backwards, drowning in the feeling it brought you. Pure ecstasy was the only way you could describe it. You could feel your walls clamping down on him as another orgasm was rapidly approaching.

"You gonna cum around my cock, baby doll?" He whispered into your ear, nibbling at your lobe. His sweet nothings brought you closer and closer to your release. Bucky suddenly lifted you up by your ass and slammed into you. You gasped and held onto his shoulders for support. "Oh I love that face. It's so perfect." He growled, his cock splitting you down the middle. "You gonna cum again, love?" You nodded fervently. "Then cum for me. Let me see that pretty face."

You cried out, walls spasming around him. Your moans mixed together and Bucky began desperately chasing after his own release. You collapsed onto his chest, a sob ripping through your chest as he came inside you.

"Oh fuck, you feel so good. Taking all my cum like a good little girl." He growled. "Shit-oh fuck! Fuck, doll!" His warm cum spilled into you, causing you to moan tiredly. It felt so good.

He made a few more lazy strokes before slowly lifting you off of him, and onto the couch. He got up and walked over to the kitchenette, grabbed a towel and a glass of water. You spread your legs for him and he dabbed at the cum that was leaking out of you, and handed you the glass. You gulped it down, feeling completely dehydrated. You handed the glass back to Bucky and he finished the rest before setting it down on the coffee table.

"I think that was the best sex I've ever had." You whispered, lips creeping onto your tired face. Bucky grinned and pulled you into a hug, laying back down on the couch.

"We're only getting started, Y/N." He pulled the blanket over top of you and pressed a kiss into your temple. "So perfect." He mumbled into your hair.

The two of you must have dozed off because when you woke back up, you heard sniggering.

"That's what those noises were last night." You heard a voice say. It was Sam.

"I did not need to see Barn's bare ass at 7 in the morning. No- scratch that. I did not need to see Barn's ass period." Tony groaned. You pulled your head out of the crook of Bucky's neck and looked up. Tony, Sam, and Steve stood in front of the TV, looking at the scene in front of them.

"At least he's getting some, Tony." Steve snorted.

"And gonna get plenty more." Bucky said, his voice full of morning sleep.

He pulled away from you and stood up from the couch. You heard Tony protest, saying something about not wanting to see Bucky naked. He wrapped you up in the blanket, carefully to make sure none of the other men saw you, and threw you over his shoulder. You waved and smiled at them as Bucky walked off towards his room.

"G’moring! Have fun on your jog!"

WARNINGS: Mentions of trying to unalive self, sh, loss of a child, ED if you squint, night terrors, angst, fluff at the end :)

female!reader x Bucky

Side note: i’m sorry this took so long to update, i didn’t know how to finish it skspshdjdjrjek thanks for reading :)

part 1 part 2

"Y/N, he needs to rest, okay?" Sam whispered softly. "I'll get you as soon as he wakes up."

"Why is he so dehydrated though? That's what I don't understand. " You whispered carefully, not wanting to wake Bucky up. "Has he not been taking care of himself?"

"Y/N..." Sam trailed off.

"Sam, please tell me. I’ll be okay. I'm not gonna break into a million pieces if you tell me. " You snorted, trying your best to sound optimistic.

"No, he hasn't.” Sam sighed finally. “He tried his best to hide it but it's so obvious. Everyone tried to help him, tried to get him to talk, but he refused. You know how stubborn he is."

"He can hear you." Bucky groaned, his voice hoarse. His eyes fluttered open and instantly made eye contact with Y/N. You looked good. Almost healthy. He quickly, ashamed. He busied himself, pretending to be interested with examining his body. There was two IV's sites that were pumping fluids into him, his chest covered with sticky pads (which were for EKG's) and a blood pressure cuff. Seeing all this made his head spin and he squeezed his eyes shut. "Fuck."

"I'll go get Bruce." Sam said quietly as he left the room.

The med bay was left in silence other than the steady beeping of Bucky's heart rate on the monitor. Bucky sniffed hard and reopened his eyes, and found Y/N sitting down in the chair beside the cot, staring at him.

"Hi." You whispered. Bucky didn't respond. He didn't know how to. "I just want to say I'm so sorry I did this to you, Bucky." Your voice shook as you spoke.

"Why didn't you want to see me?" Bucky blurted out, not able to think about anything else but that.

"It wasn't my idea. My doctors said it was for our best interest that we stayed away from each other."

"Best interest." Bucky echoed.

"Please understand I fought him on it almost every day while I was there. I wanted to see you, to tell you how sorry I was and how this wasn't your fault." You played with the frayed edges of your cardigan.

"Well I'm glad you got the help you needed." Bucky said, his eyes fixated on the ceiling. Y/N scoffed and leaned back into the chair.

"Don't play that game, Bucky. That place wasn't a fucking vacation, it was hell." You paused and licked your dry lips. "It was hell." Bucky winced at how hurt you sounded.

"I'm sorry." He lulled his head to the side, his eyes falling on you. "I just-"

"It's okay. You're allowed to be angry." You whispered as you touched his hand. He flinched at the contact. "I meant what I said, Bucky." You whispered again, intertwining his fingers with yours.

"And what's that?" He whispered back. You watched as his chest rose and fell heavily.

"That I-"

"Well look who's awake!" Bruce smiled as the door to the med bay swung open. Bucky and Y/N jumped apart. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine." Bucky grumbled, annoyed at the intrusion. Banner picked up some paper that was sitting on the table behind him.

"Hmmm, that's not what your labs say." Banner retorted. "You're severely dehydrated, Buck. What have you been eating and drinking?"

"When I can? Chicken broth."

"And when's the last time you ate anything?"

Bucky paused, looking at Y/N. Would it upset you if he told Bruce the truth?

"Last week." He muttered looking away.

"And how often have you been throwing up?"

"Every day, sometimes more than once." Bucky said. Y/N winced at what he was saying. Did you cause this? Was it your fault Bucky was so sick?

"I'm surprised you've been able to go on this long. I suppose that's the super solider serum doing it’s magic." Banner cleared his throat. "If you can't keep anything down, you're gonna have to come in for IV fluids once a day."

"Whatever you say, doc." Bucky snorted. Yeah, fuck that. He didn’t care.

"Don't worry Bruce, I'll make sure he's here." Y/N patted Bucky on the shoulder, winking at him.

"That's what I'm hoping for." Banner clapped his hands together. "Okay, I'll leave you two kids alone then. I'm sure there's a lot you need to talk about."

"I'm 106, Banner." Bucky called after him as he walked out the door. Y/N chuckled, covering your mouth with your hand. "Have you talked to Steve?" He asked as soon as Banner was gone.

"Yeah. He visited almost every day." You responded. Bucky felt a twinge of jealousy rise from the pit of his stomach. "I told him everything, Bucky. About how we had sex, about how I was pregnant, and how I didn't love him the same way he had loved me." Bucky squeezed his eyes shut at her words, not wanting to hear what she had to say.

“And how’d he take that?”

“He was hurt.” Y/N said simply. “I mean I was expecting him to be. We spent 6 months flirting and having sex. I just couldn’t keep it up anymore, I couldn’t keep that from him.”

“Oh.” Bucky muttered quietly. The two of you were silent, not sure what to say. Y/N took a deep breath, the air rattling in her chest as she reached out with a shaky hand to grab Buckys.

"I never meant to hurt our baby, Bucky." Y/N hiccupped back a sob, squeezing his hand tight. "I loved him more than anything and I never meant to do what I did. It just happened. I was in a state of psychosis and…” You rubbed your left forearm, as if the cut was still fresh, still bleeding. "I was going to tell you, I promise. I wanted to so bad. Wanted you there for the first ultrasound but there just was never a good time and-" She was rambling but Bucky cut her off.

"Y/N don't. I don't want to talk about it, please."

"We need to, Bucky. Please. My doctor said it would be good to talk about it with you.” She begged.

"No." He demanded.

"Bucky, I know it'll make you feel better."

"I don't-" Bucky stuttered. "I can't-" He was hyperventilating. Sitting up in the bed, he panted, "Fuck I'm gonna get sick." Y/N handed him a bedpan and Bucky quickly grabbed it, spilling out the contents of his stomach- which wasn't a lot. When he was done, he set the bed pan down and collapsed back on the pillow, dizzy again. Y/N softly smoothed back Bucky's hair that was sticking to his forehead. "I'm sorry, but I just can't. Not yet.”

"I shouldn't have pushed you." You whispered, setting your head on his shoulder. The two of you sat like that for a while, just embracing each others touch. It felt good. Your fingers played and twisted Bucky's hair and Bucky slowly ran his metal hand down your back, causing goosebumps to pop up. You inhaled sharply and looked up, finding Bucky's eyes already on you, a look of longing written across this face.

"Bucky..."

"Y/N..." Before you could even comprehend what was happening Bucky was pulling you on top of him. Your lips crashed together as your hands roamed through his hair.

Bucky's hands gripped your hips for dear life, like you would disappear at any moment. Your teeth grazed across his bottom lip, which triggered a moan to escape his lips. His hands traveled up your back, squeezing as he went, causing you to shudder. It felt so good to be in his embrace.

Y/N pulled up, panting. You stared down at him, his ice blue eyes looking back into yours. “I’ve missed you, Bucky.” You whispered, your finger tips grazing his cheek.

“I’ve missed you too.” He tucked a strand of hair behind your ear, his callused fingers tickling your jaw line. You peppered a few more kisses onto his lips before sliding off to him, and curling up at his side. Bucky wrapped a protective arm over top of you, pulling you impossibly close to him. Y/N glanced at the clock on wall. 1:35am. You were used to being in bed by 10 so you were exhausted being up this late. Just as you started to doze off, you could have sworn you heard Bucky whisper- almost inaudible, “I love you.”

Bucky stayed up most of the night, only sleep about an hour in total. He watched you sleep to make sure you wouldn’t slip away in the middle of the night and he would wake up alone, again. The morning sun was beginning to rise, casting hazy sunlight through the windows of the med bay. And in that peace, you had a night terror.

Your nails suddenly dug into Buckys skin, trying to claw at it. You’re incoherent moans and groans filling the quietness of the room. Thrashing around, Bucky caught you before you fell off the edge of the small cot.

“Y/N.” He grabbed your face, bringing you close to him, trying to stop or writhing. “Y/N wake up.” He called out.

“Killed him.” You cried out in your sleep, hands snaking down to your stomach. “Killed him!”

“Doll, honey- you’re dreaming. Wake up.” Bucky trembled, so afraid for what you were dreaming about. “Doll face wake up.” He pressed his fingers on the back of your neck, trying to soothe you.

“Killed him.” You repeated. “My fault.”

Another 10 minutes went by with you silently screaming, face contorted in pain. Bucky kept you close waiting for you to wake up so he could comfort you like he always did. He stroked your hair while murmuring “shhh” every time you jerked or called out.

Eventually, you settled down, tired eyes blinking up at Bucky. “Did I have another one?” You asked quietly, sleep thick in your voice.

“It was pretty mild, but yeah.” He whispered back. Moaning, you buried your face into Bucky’s chest. Inhaling his scent, you noticed he smelled like whiskey and cinnamon. It instantly relaxed your jittery nerves.

“You smell good.” You muttered. You heard Bucky chuckle.

“Considering this shirt hasn’t been washed in 2 weeks I’ll take that as a compliment.”

Y/N sat up and discarded your cardigan, because it was getting hot laying against Buckys warm body. His eyes traveled down to your arms, his eyebrows furrowed at the scars. They were still healing a bit, scabs were dotted across them. Bucky sighed loudly which caused you to look at him.

“I wanna show you something. C’mon.” He slowly got out of bed, his dizziness still plaguing him. You hoped down beside him and followed him outside the med bay.

“Where are we going?” You asked trailing behind him.

“The gardens.” He responded quietly. You turned some corners and were standing outside the entrance to the living room. Inside you could hear Steve talking. Bucky slowed his pace, unsure if he should go in. “We can just go around-” He started to say put Y/N pushed him forward.

“Morning.” Tony greeted nodding at them. Bucky could see visibly tense up when they came into the room. “How are you feeling, Barns?”

“Better.” He said. “Still dizzy but better.”

“Banner works some magic, doesn’t he?” Tony smiled. “Y/N, Steve made some waffles for you.”

“Your favorite.” Steve gushed, finally looking over at the two. Y/N shifted uncomfortably on her feet and nodded.

“I’ll get some after we get back from the garden. Bucky needed to show me something.” Y/N replied meekly. Bucky saw Steve roll his eyes, and anger boiled inside of him. “Come on, Buck. Let’s go.” Y/N grabbed his hand and drug him out of the living room. Bucky was still fuming, but your touch was easing him.

 Finally, you guys made it out to the gardens. It was beautiful- the sunrise was peaking over the edge of the wall of the compound cast pastel shadows over the pathways. There was morning dew sticking to the grass, which made Y/N's bare feet wet as they walked to the corner.

"What are we doing out here, Bucky?" You asked.

"I just wanted to show you." He mumbled. You stopped at a small stone that read 'Forever in Our Hearts'. "Everyone suggested that-" Bucky sniffed and looked away. "That he should be buried."

Y/N didn't know what to say. You dropped to the ground, your head grazed over the stone. "This was a nice spot."

"This is the first time I've been out here. I couldn't d-do it alone." -Bucky sat down beside you. "I'm sorry. I should have-"

"It's okay." You whispered. "I don't think I would have either." Your hand grabbed his tightly. "Do you know what I wanted to name him?"

"I hadn't even thought about that."

"I wanted to name him James. After his father." You looked up at him, eyes locking together. Tears brimmed behind his lower lashes.

"I wouldn't have been a good father." He whispered, looking down. You grabbed his cheeks softly, making him look back up at you.

"Yes you would have, Bucky." You said. He was silent for a moment.

"I love you, Y/N."

"I love you too."

@chipilerendi

MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of unaliving self, PTSD, Bucky have flash backs, vomiting, loss of pregnancy, ED if you squint, lots and lots and lots of angst. sad, saaaad, Bucky :(

female!reader x steve and bucky love triangle (not as much here)

Side note: HI! I'M SO SORRY! I LOVE YOU ALL:) *also if the text is in italics it means there's a flashback*

part 1

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It had been almost a month since Bucky had last seen Y/N. Tony and Steve thought it was best for Y/N to be admitted to the psychiatric ward at the near by hospital. But you have been gone a month. And you didn't put Bucky down on the approved list of people that could come visit you. The only thing he had left of you was the last conversation you guys had, and it was slowly driving him insane.

"Bucky? Where are they taking me? I don't wanna go." You were still loopy from the anesthesia Banner had used during your surgery. The way you were talking to him made it seem like you had just forgotten everything that had happened over the last 3 months.

"Shh, it's okay." Bucky said softly. Talking still hurt his throat. "But you gotta. You gotta get better, okay?" You nodded and sniffled. "Don't cry doll. It's all gonna be okay." He tucked a strand of your hair behind your ear, like he always did when you were upset.

"What happened to your face?" You muttered, your fingers grazing across the cut on his cheek bone. Bucky flinched at your touch, not wanting to remember how it felt.

"Don't worry, doll. Just get some rest. I'll see you soon." Bucky stood up from beside the cot and nodded at the paramedics who were standing close by to take you to the hospital.

"Bucky?" You asked quietly.

"Yeah, doll?" He could feel the hot tears in his eyes getting ready to spill over.

"I love you."

"Bucky," Sam tapped his shoulder. "Are you listening?"

"Sorry." He mumbled. "Just thinking." He rested his elbows on his knees and leaned forward, wringing his hands together.

"I asked how you were doing?" Sam repeated.

"I'm fine."

"Don't do that Buck." He scoffed, slumping into his chair. "You gotta talk about this shit, man. And I know you normally talk to Steve but-"

"Sam, don't."

"Bucky-"

"I don't need your fucking pity.” Bucky growled, getting to his feet. Sam stared into his eyes with exactly what Bucky was upset about; pity.

"I am trying, damnit." Sam seethed through his teeth. "I am trying to hold you together and I am trying to hold Steve together. I hate being the middle man but if you two want to act like you're in high school and give each other the silent treatment, then I'll do it. I don't like seeing my friends hurting." He sighed and rubbed his temples. "You are very clearing showing signs of PTSD, and if you just let me help you, I can try to make it better."

"Everyone hates me, Sam." Bucky changed the subject.

"No, they don't. They're worried about you." Sam tossed his arms up in the air, exasperated. "You and Steve lost so much in one night, they're scared for you. They are mourning with you, Bucky. Please understand that."

Bucky scoffed and rolled his eyes. "I gotta go, this was pointless."

"Bucky-" He didn't hear what else Sam had to say before he shut the door to his office behind him and stormed down the hallway. He scoffed and shook his head. Fucking therapy. Tony had forced him to go or else he was sending him some place like Y/N was. He didn't need it anybody’s help, he was fine.

Bucky had wondered around the compound for hours after been you’d taken away, unsure of where he was going. This place felt so empty without Y/N here. He felt so empty. He found himself standing outside Steve's room after walking for hours. The sun was starting to rise now. His arm jerked as if he wanted to knock on the door, but he couldn't do it.

Then why did he knock?

Steve opened the door and was standing in front of him, eyes red from crying. His hair a mess. He definitely didn't look like the calm and collected Captain America.

"What the fuck do you want?" He spat, glaring down at his best friend.

"I-" Bucky was at a loss for words. "I don't know."

Steve laughed bitterly. "Get the fuck out of my face before I knock your teeth out."

"Steve, please-" Bucky's voice broke. "I need-I need you. Please."

"You need me?" Steve hissed. "What about what I need, huh? Does how I feel just not matter to you?”

“I’m sorry.” He whispered, staring down at his feet. He couldn’t look Steve in the eyes any longer.

“You were fucking her.” Steve laughed, almost as it was a joke. “You were fucking my girl. You got my girl pregnant, and she tried to kill herself. Because of you, Bucky. So get out of my face. I don’t care what you have to say.”

"You're the only one-" Bucky tried desperately. He needed to talk. And Steve was the only one who understood.

"Save it, I don't wanna hear it. You ever show up at my door again," He took a deep breath, his eyes falling on the bruising cut that was on his cheek. "I won't stop this time." Steve slammed the door in Bucky's face.

Bucky was standing in front of Y/N's room. The door had long opened and an empty room was staring back. After you had left, Pepper and Nat had cleaned your room up the best that they could. While cleaning they had found an ultrasound picture hidden away in your nightstand. Nat said she wanted to throw it out but Pepper stole it from her and brought it to Bucky one evening. Bucky didn't know what to do with it so he brought it back to your room, stashing it away where you had kept it. He didn't want to take anything out of your room for when you came back. He wanted it to look like how you had left it. Well- before you destroyed it anyway.

Bucky slowly sat down on the edge of the bed, the springs groaning at the sudden weight on it. No one had sat here in a long time. Bucky heaved a sigh and hung his head, his long hair made a curtain around his face. You were always telling him to cut it.

A frown crept onto his lips, silently cursing himself. You teasing him about his hair is was started this whole thing. It was 4 months ago, you guys had most of the compound to yourself and were passing the time playing a drinking game.

He still remembers the smile on your face when you had brought up his hair, thinking it was hilarious how it was so long. Your laugh was more intoxicating than the alcohol the two of you were consuming. He just couldn't stop staring at you, your beautiful eyes, your hair that smelled like lavender, your gorgeous smile. And every time you leaned over it would expose your cleavage from the top of the thin tank top you had on. By the time you were done giggling Bucky had leaned in and grabbed your face, pressing his lips firmly against yours. You were stunned at first but quickly gave into his advances, as you had been waiting for this moment too.

A noise outside the room made Bucky snap back to reality.

"Thought I would find you here." A soft voice whispered. It was Nat. She gave him a soft smile before sitting down on the edge of the bed beside him. "It okay if I sit?" Bucky shrugged his shoulders and nodded. "Sam said you're having a bad day."

"Sam doesn't know shit."

"I know some days are tougher than others. You seemed to be doing okay last week. Actually saw you smile." She laughed quietly. Bucky didn't say anything. "She's not dead, Bucky."

"Why the fuck-"

"Shut up and listen." Any hint of kindness in her voice was gone. "I'm not like Sam, I'm not gonna coddle you. She is alive and is doing better, I just came from the hospital."

"We'll I'm glad you got to see her." He scoffed.

"I know you're not gonna hear what I have to say, but just listen to this- you are not alone, Bucky. Okay? I know none of that matters because you don't have the people you love most around you. But the rest of us are you for you, and Steve. Okay?" Bucky opened his mouth to snap something back but Nat held up her hand. "Just tell me you understand, okay? Because if I have to clean up one more persons blood off the floor I am going to loose my mind."

Bucky sighed and nodded his head. "Okay. I understand." Nat patted him on the shoulder before standing up and left the room. A tear dribbled down his cheek and he quickly whipped it away. Why couldn’t everyone just leave him alone?

Absolutely exhausted, he kicked his shoes off and laid down, not wanting to pick himself up and walk back to his room. Everything just felt too heavy. His eyes slowly fluttered shut, no matter how hard Bucky fought against it. But it was just too heavy.

"Hey, I need to talk to you." Banner said quietly, standing in Bucky's door way.

"What?" Bucky grumbled from his spot on the bed. "If it's about checking my head, I don't want to hear it. I'm fine, he didn’t hit me that hard.”

"No, it's not that. I need to know-"

"Then what?"

"I need to know what you want to do with the fetus...the baby." He shifted his weight back and forth.

A heavy silence surrounded the two of them. "Why me?" Bucky croaked out finally.

"Well, you're the father and-"

"Don't. Don't call me that." Bucky pointed a stern finger at him Bruce stood there awkwardly, waiting for Bucky to tell him what to do. He blinked back a few tears and cleared his throat. "What do you think I should do?"

"Well, everyone else thinks you should bury him."

Him. It was a boy. Bucky was going to have a son. His son. Y/N's son. Our son.

"Then bury him."

"I think you should go."

"I don't want to."

"Bucky, please. You need to cope."

"Oh yeah, and how should I do that, doctor?" Bucky snapped back. Bruce sighed, defeated. "Go fucking burry the thing and get over it. I don't want to be there, got it?" Why was he saying this? That's not what he wanted to say.

"Okay. Sorry for bothering you." Banner exited his room in a defeated sigh, his shoulder hunched over.

Some more time ticked by before there was another knock on the door. Bucky jumped slightly as he just starting to fall asleep. He hadn't slept in about two days and it was starting to take a toll on him. The evening sun cast shadows that danced around in his dark room.

"Bruce I swear-" He opened the door and stepped back, surprised. It was Pepper. She smiled shyly at him. Bucky thinks she hasn't said more than 10 words with him since he came to live at the compound a year ago. Mostly just awkward good mornings when they came into the kitchen at the same time to get coffee. Pepper always got up early but Bucky was fed up of trying to fall asleep.

"Oh. Did...did you need something?" He asked looking down at her. Pepper wasn't as hard as everyone else at the compound, she hasn’t seen the things everyone else had. He had barely spoken to her and there were already tears forming in her eyes.

"Nat-" She cleared her throat and attempted to wipe the tears away from her eyes. "Nat and I were cleaning up Y/N's room, so it won't be a mess when she comes back. And we'll we found this." She held out some grainy pictures. Bucky wasn't sure what he was looking at.

"What are these?" He muttered, taking them from her.

"They're ultrasound pictures. I guess she knew..." She cleared her throat again, fighting back the urge to cry. "Sorry. I guess she knew about the pregnancy. Nat wanted to throw them out but I thought you should have them."

Bucky didn't know what to say. He didn't want to open his mouth and rip Peppers head off, because he knew that she was just trying to be nice. Trying to make him feel better, but honestly it was just making him feel worse. If you knew you were pregnant why did you try to kill yourself? Or is that why you tried to kill yourself?

Before he could think of what to say, a sob ripped through his chest, his knees giving out under him. Pepper moved quickly to his side and threw her small body against Bucky's, wrapping him up in a hug. She tried to hold him up the best she could, but they crumpled to the ground together.

"I'm so sorry, Bucky." She cried. Her hands grabbed the back of his shirt, like she was trying to keep him from falling apart. It wasn’t working. It felt like someone was chiseling away at his heart. He clutched the ultrasound pictures to his chest, another sob wracking through his body. He wanted Y/N. He wanted you here with him, mourning the loss of your child together. "I'm so sorry." Pepper repeated. Bucky gently pushed her away and tried to calm himself down.

"Thank you for these, Pepper." He babbled. "But I need to be alone. Please leave me alone." She shook her head at what he was saying and tried to protest. He held up his hand to stop her. “Go. Just go.” He pleaded. Finally, she left him there, sitting in the door way, holding the only pictures of his son that he would ever get.

Bucky woke up with a gasp, his clothes were soaked and sticking to his skin from his sweat and it felt like his heart was going to explode out of his chest, his stomach churning in knots. He scrambled out your bed and into the bathroom and vomited into the toilet. These fucking dreams would not leave him alone. Ever since you left that's all he was able to dream about.

He spilled his guts out a few more times before slumped down beside the toilet, he shoved his head in hands and took a few deep breathes, trying to ease his spinning head. He gagged at the taste of vomit in his mouth and spit into the toilet again. Standing up shakily, he looked at himself in the mirror that was above the sink. He hated the person looking back. He looked sick, disgusting.

Saying Bucky looked rough was an understatement. His eyes were sunken in, which were accompanied by dark bags. His hair was ratty and dull and he hadn't trimmed his beard in weeks. He had also lost weight and muscle mass from not being able to eat. He couldn't. The only thing he was able to keep down was chicken broth and he hardly even eat that. He had no desire to work out either. His metal arm, which he usually polished at least once a week was dull too. And covered in scratches from him clawing at it in the middle of the night.

Bucky sighed heavily and rinsed his mouth and face with water. Patting his face dry with a towel he realized for the first time, he was starving. He could smell someone cooking bacon down in the kitchen and it made his mouth water.

Maybe Sam was right, Bucky did need to talk about this. Or maybe Steve was the one who was right. This was all his fault. He made the first move on you. The baby was his. Everything was his fault. Maybe if he had just left you alone, none of this would have happened. He couldn’t think straight anymore, nothing made sense without you here.

He pushed his thoughts out of his head as he remade your bed. Picking up his boots from off the ground, he slowly made his way back to his room. It was a hot mess inside, more than normal. Bucky doesn't remember the last time he picked anything up. He discarded his sticky clothes and got into the shower, letting the hot water fall over his skin. He hummed contently as he washed his hair, yanking to get the knots out. While he was in there he trimmed his beard the best he could without looking in a mirror.

Getting out and rubbed the steam off the mirror and looked at himself again. His beard and his hair looked better, but his eyes still looked empty. He still felt empty. Bucky tossed on some clothes that smelled the cleanest, which happened just an old pair of sweats and a t-shirt.

Taking a deep breath he left his room, or his cave, as Sam called it, and went down to the kitchen. It seemed like everyone was there, talking and laughing together. Bucky felt an instant nauseous feeling build in his stomach as eyes fell on him. He felt like an outsider, no, he was an outsider. Always has been as always will be

"Hey, Buck." Sam greeted, pulling Bucky out of his thoughts. "There's coffee in the pot if you want some." Bucky gave him a small smile and poured himself a cup, and grabbed a few pieces of bacon and fruit that was cut up. He sat down beside Sam and cleared this throat. Sam looked down at the small amount of food that Bucky had gathered and frowned slightly, but refrained from saying anything. He should be glad he was eating at all.

"Where's Steve at this morning?" Bucky asked, taking a sip of coffee, which stung going down his throat.

"Oh, he went to visit Y/N." Sam replied nonchalantly.

"Hm." Bucky stared down at his food, which suddenly repulsed him. Maybe this was a mistake, he should have stay in his room. Sam silently cursed himself for bring you up and tried to change the conversation.

"Sleep any better last night?" Sam questioned.

"A little. Fell asleep about an hour after we got done talking." He shrugged. “Woke up a little bit ago.”

"So you slept for 14 hours?" Sam chuckled. "We got done talking at 5, so you were out for 14 hours. I'd call that pretty good sleep."

"Doesn't mean it was restful."

"It's still a good thing that you slept through the night." Sam took a bite out of his bacon. "Oh my god, I swear Vision makes the best food." He goaded. Sam was obviously trying to get Bucky to eat.

"I know." Bucky faked a smile as he couldn't shake the feeling that he was going to get sick again. The feeling suddenly got overwhelming and he suddenly stood to his feet, his chair scrapping loudly against the floor, which caused everyone to stop and look. They watched as Bucky disappeared down the hall to the bathroom.

There was nothing in Bucky's stomach for him to throw up, besides that little bit of coffee. He was now just dry heaving, spit trickling down his chin. He just wanted this to go away, why couldn't it go away? Bucky heaved into the toilet one last time before picking his head up, wiping away the spit that was now traveling down his neck. He noticed there was a slight red tinge to it.

He brought his knees up to his chest and his hands shook as he pushed his hair out of his eyes. The room was spinning, he was so dizzy. His mouth felt he had just chewed on chalk. He was a super solider, god damn it. He wasn't supposed to feel like this. Something wasn’t right.

He slowly got to his feet, hanging onto the sink for support. Slowly he made his way back to the kitchen, leaning against the wall so he wouldn’t fall over. He just needed to get to Banner. Banner would know what to do.

Back in the kitchen, Bucky could hardly see. His vision was darkening and his ears were ringing. He could feel eyes on him. Gripping the wall for support, he dry heaved again. “Bucky?” Someone asked, concern in their voice. That voice. He knew that voice.

“Y/N?” He panted, his head snapping up. The quick action made his head spin and his grip on the wall loosened. He caught a glimpse of you right before he fell on his face, vision going black, everything falling silent.

part 3

MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING: Su!c!de attempt, graphic description of bl00d, mentions of death, medical procedure talk, loss of pregnancy, PTSD, lots and lots of angst, mentions of drinking.

Female!reader, love triangle with Steve and Bucky (kinda?)

Word count: roughly 2,076

Please don't read if any of these warnings will trigger you :)

I'M SO SORRY PLEASE DON'T HATE ME

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Bucky's eyes snapped open, his advanced hearing honing in on the soft wails coming from down the hall. It was you, it always you. He inhaled sharply and pushed himself out of his warm bed, his dog tags clinking against his bare chest. It gets worse when Steve isn't here; your night terrors. He's the only one that can rock you back to sleep, soothing your tear stained cheeks and calming your raging mind. Bucky isn't very good at it, but he can get the job done.

His door slid open and he walked quietly down the hallway, careful not to wake anybody else up. Tony had to semi soundproof your room. When you first came to live in the compound, your screams would keep everyone up all night. Now only Bucky and Steve could hear your cries, which often made for sleepless nights. But lately it’s been getting better, which he was thankful for. Both for your sake and his sake.

Bucky stopped in front of your door, expecting it to just slide open like it normally does. But it didn't. Confused, he waved his hand in front of the sensor but it didn't budge. "Friday?" He yawned, annoyed. What couldn't Tony just put in normal doors? They're so much simpler. "What's wrong with the door?"

"It seems that Ms. Y/L/N has locked it." Strange. You never lock it.

"Well, unlock it." He snapped back at the AI.

"I cannot. She has over-ridden my capabilities to unlock it."

"What?" Bucky asked, suddenly more awake. The hairs on his arms stood up and a gut wrenching feeling began to churn in his stomach. He could hear you on the other side, still crying. "Y/N!" Bucky yelled pounding on the door. The cries grew harder. "Y/N open the door!"

"Go away!" You screamed. "Just go!" This wasn't a night terror, you were awake. “I don’t need you, Bucky!”

"Friday, get Tony down here." Bucky yelled, pounding on the door again. "Y/N please just open the door! Let me help!"

"Don't need your help." There was the sound of the bathtub starting up. "Just go."

"Bucky,” A tired voice groaned from behind him. Sam. "It's 2:30 in the morning, why in the hell are you screaming."

"Y/N locked us out." He muttered, pressing his ear against the door. He could hear you whimpering on the other side. "Friday can't open it."

"Friday, get Tony-"

"He is on his way." She replied back. "Ms. Y/N also disabled her cameras. I can't see inside there either."

"Y/N!" Bucky tried again, his voice cracking just enough for him to notice. Hopefully not enough for Sam to notice.

"Does someone wanna tell me why I am down here in the middle of the god damn night?" Another voice said behind them.

"Just get the fucking door open." Bucky snarled. Tony took note of the worry and urgency in his voice and unlatched a panel that was next to the door. He moved some wires around and the door hissed open.

Bucky rushed in and the state of your room hit him like a truck. It was a wreak. Your mattress was halfway off of its frame, your dresser was knocked over with all the clothes torn out, and there was a smashed chair in the corner. You had also punched out your mirror, making Bucky's footsteps crunch as he walked through her room. How did he not hear this? Why didn't he wake up? But that's not what bothered Bucky. His nose instantly picked up on a coppery smell that stung the inside of his nostrils, making him instantly nauseous. He pushed into the bathroom, where somehow the cupboard was shoved in front of.

The sight before him was enough to make him cry and vomit at the same time. You were submerged in the bathtub, the water stained a bright red color. A long shard of glass from the mirror was laying on the floor, stained with your crimson blood. Two deep long cuts had been carved into your forearms. The ringing in his ears slowly subsided and he heard the sound of either Tony or Sam dry heaving behind him. He wasn't sure who it was.

"Friday, prep medical bay. Get Banners ass up. Now." He heard Tony growl.

Bucky sunk to his knees, his sweatpants become stained with the blood soaked water that had sloshed over the edge. "Y/N." He muttered. She was pale. Too pale. "Y/N!" He yelled grabbing her by the shoulders. “Open your fucking eyes and look at me!" You didn't open her eyes, the only movement was coming from your chest. You were taking quick short breaths, which Bucky figured wasn't good. "Please don't do this to me, please. I need you, fuck-" He choked back a sob.

"Buck, we have to get her down to-" Before Sam could finish his sentence, Bucky was lifting you out of the water and took off towards the med bay.

Banner was already down there, a suturing kit already laid out. "How much blood has she lost?" He asked immediately as soon as Bucky came barreling through the doorway.

"A lot." Was all he could manage. He carefully laid you down on the cot. His thoughts were going a mile a minute. You were supposed to be getting better. Sam and Banner were supposed to be helping you, the therapy was supposed to be helping. Not killing you. Why wasn’t it helping? Why were you so selfish? How could you do that to us? To me, to Steve. To this whole team?

"Well good thing most of the team is A Positive so we have some on standby for her." Banner said. Bucky wasn't sure if he was talking to him or to himself.

Banner flushed out your wounds with what looked like water, and carefully began to stitch you up. Bucky noticed the slight shaking in his wrist and he pulled your skin together.

"Where is Steve?" Bucky whispered to Tony, not taking his eyes off of Y/N and Banner. For once, you looked like you were at peace. Your features were smoothed and relaxed, nothing like your previous state.

"His teams on their way back. ETA 4 hours." Tony whispered back.

A heavy silence fell over the med bay. Bucky felt drained. He couldn't keep his thought straight in his head, and it was numbing. He just kept asking the same thing. Why? You were doing so good. You were laughing, smiling, and actually making progress to talk to people outside your comfort zone. Of course you were still having night terrors, Sam said those wouldn't go away for a long time. But other than that you were fine. You said you were fine. He couldn't understand why.

Banner was done with one side. He moved over to the other and began to repeat the process, but one of the machines she was hooked up to began beeping rapidly. His head snapped up and his brows furrowed.

"Friday do a full body scan please." He grunted.

"What? What's wrong?" Bucky pleaded, his skin tightening and his stomach doing loops.

"Blood pressure is dropping. Not good." Was all he heard over the several machines firing at once.

"There is hemorrhaging. Location: uterus." Friday said back. "Surgery is recommended."

Banner quickly finished the last of the sutures and yanked your water and blood soaked sweatpants off. There was a large amount of blood pooling in between your legs.

"Bruce what is that?" Bucky yelled rushing over to them. "What's wrong with her, did she stab herself there?" He felt like he was going to vomit.

"Bucky-" He started as he fumbled with some tubing.

"What are you doing to her?!" Bucky yelled again his voice become more and more distressed. "You're gonna kill her please help her!"

"Tony get him the hell out of here!" Banner screamed finally, the Hulks voice peaking behind his anger and frustration.

Bucky was being yanked out of the bay by Sam and Tony. He could fight back easily, fight them off so he could be with you. But his legs were so shaky he could hardly stand on his own two feet. The windows that looked into the bay dimmed and Bucky caught one last look as Banner yanked down Y/N's underwear. A sob escaped from Buckys lips as he crumpled to the ground. What was happening now? Y/N must be so scared. He was so scared.

He felt that hot tears prick at his cheeks and dribbled down into his beard hair. He was crying. Crying for the first time in who knows how long. He couldn't loose you. You were the only one who truly understood Bucky. You meant too much to him.

"Buck-" Sam started but Bucky just cut him off.

"Leave me alone." He sobbed. It felt like a metal pipe had been shoved down Buckys throat. He couldn’t breathe. "Please just go away." Tony and Sam shared a look before the disappeared down the hallway.

He sat there for what seemed like days. But it was only hours. Soon enough Steve came jogging down the hallway to where Bucky sat.

"Buck." Steve gasped, kneeling down next to him. "What happened?"

"I thought she was having a night terrors." Bucky's voice was raw and it hurt to swallow. The crying must have stopped hours ago, but he couldn't remember when it ended. "But she locked me out. Tried to...tried to..."

"Oh god." Steve whimpered, understanding what he was saying. “Is she...?" Bucky shook his head.

"She started bleeding. I think Banners still doing surgery." Steve's face was screwed tightly together as he stood back up. Bucky couldn't tell what he was feeling. He paced the hallway for a bit before he slid down against the wall across from Bucky, his eyes blankly staring at the door. He could see the trembling in his chest when he inhaled.

They sat there in silence for about another hour, when suddenly, the doors to the med bay swung open. Banners eyes fell on them. He sighed heavily and put his hands in his pockets.

"What? What is it?" Bucky pleaded getting to his feet, which caused Steve to stand up.

"Is she okay?" Steve asked, his brows closely knit together.

"Yeah. She's stable. Woke up for a few minutes but she's sleeping now. I had to give her some medicine to calm her down. And I had to..." He trailed off. "Restrain her. She's very agitated." Bruce exhaled and wrung his hands together.

"Then what happened? Why did you have to do surgery." Bucky prodded. He could tell Banner was hiding something.

"The bleeding was caused by a mixture of shock and her blood pressure tanking. I couldn't-" He cleared his throat like he was keeping back tears. "I couldn't save the fetus. She miscarried."

It felt like someone had punched Bucky in the gut. Fetus? Miscarried? She was pregnant?

"From what I could tell she was about 15 weeks along. I ran the DNA because I wasn't...I wasn't sure who the father was."

"I had a child?" Steve whimpered. Tears were falling freely down his face.

"No, Steve.” He whispered softly. “Bucky, it was yours.”

"What? No. That's impossible." Steve scoffed. "You must have your science shit mixed up. There is no way."

"No, he's right." Bucky whispered, absolute shocking talking grip of his body.

"I'm sorry. It was a boy."

"What? No. No! It's wrong. Go test it again Banner! I know it's wrong!"

"Steve-"

"You were fucking her?!" Steve screamed, turning to Bucky. "You knew I was in love with her and you were fucking her?!"

"It was once Steve! Almost 3 months ago! We were drunk and you were away on a mission and I came onto her!" Bucky bargained, staring into the flames of his best friend’s eyes.

"You fucked my girl! My girl!" Steve was irate, barely able to contain himself.

"She isn't yours Steve, you're not even together!"

"I told her that I loved her! And you went and fucked her anyway! What, do you always follow your dick!? I bet that's why she refuses to look at you!"

"No, she told me that she loved me!" Bucky screamed back, his voice echoing in the hallway as silence washed over them. Bucky took a deep breath. "She said it first. And I told her it was a mistake and should be with you." He said quietly.

Steve let out an animalistic growl, and his fist made contact with the side of Bucky's cheek and the back of his head smashed against the wall.

"I love you Bucky." Y/N's soft voice said. Your head was currently buried in Bucky's bare chest. "It's you. It's always has been." You whispered.

Bucky reached down and cupped her cheek, making you look at him. He has been waiting to hear that since they first met. He didn't believe in love at first sight but ever since he first laid eyes on you, he started to believe.

"You don't mean that, doll." He muttered back. Alcohol was still running its course through their bodies. "You're drunk."

"Drunk words are a sober mans thoughts."

"Y/N-"

"I want you Bucky. Just you. No more going back and forth between you and Steve. I can't do that anymore, Bucky. Please believe me." You pleaded, your large eyes staring into his.

"You deserve someone like Steve, not like me. You can't love me." He sighed, letting go of your face.

"I love Steve. He’s amazing and kind, but I love I have for him isn’t like how I love you.”

"No. You love the thought of me." He snapped, rising off the bed. "But you don't love me Y/N. I promise you, you don't. You shouldn't." He gathered his clothes from the floor and shimmied into them. He reached the door and stopped at the sound of your voice.

"But-" Bucky winced at the sound of your voice as it was filling with tears.

"I'm sorry." He whispered turning away, his own eyes brimming with tears. "I don't deserve you. You can't love me. I'm sorry."

part 2

Glutton for Punishment | Bucky Barnes x Reader

Hello, hello! I am back back back again. My life has been busy, y'all. School is kicking my ass. But this fic has been like 94% complete for like a month, and I finally got to finish it! yay!

wordcount: 8939

Warnings: angst, self harm, Bucky's trauma

Bucky collapsed onto the bed with a defeated huff. The mattress rippled under his weight and jostled the computer resting on your thighs. His chest rose and fell with another dejected sigh. His meetings with Fury never went well- but they weren’t always bad. Sometimes, things between them were cordial. Neutral. This was not one of those times. Bucky wanted to sink into the bed and never come out. He wanted to dissolve into the earth and disappear. The only thing anchoring him to reality was, as always, you. 

“Hey, how’d it go, babe?” The comforting lilt of your voice floated through the air. Maybe drenching your words in overt positivity was too much, but it seemed necessary. Maybe if you could coat your voice in optimism, it would fix whatever plagued Bucky. But you knew it was useless to hope. 

He didn’t answer. He just stared up at the ceiling, a blank expression on his face. Coming home to you after a bad day or a shitty meeting was always his saving grace; being near you brought him peace. But he hated bringing the shame home with him. 

“That bad, huh?” you ditched your laptop and laid next to him, propped up on one elbow. “What happened?”

Silence. He didn’t tear his eyes from the ceiling. Didn’t even blink. He just gazed upward- hopeless. 

In the quiet, your fingers traced up and down his arm. You pressed kisses to his shoulder. He always had a way of shutting you out before allowing you in. It wasn’t personal; it was just his process. He opted to suffer without your help until the pain ate away at him. And when there was almost nothing left, he tore down the walls and welcomed the onslaught of comfort. 

“He said it was my fault.” Bucky tried not to sound too pathetic. He knew you worried about him- a lot. Knew that his misery always hurt you. Seeing him in pain brought you nothing but heartache. But his efforts did nothing to hide the anguish in his voice. 

You didn’t want to make him repeat the whole ordeal, to relive whatever messed up shit Fury said to him- but you needed context. Your words were soft, your voice gentle. “He said what was your fault, baby?” Bucky didn’t deserve more blame, more guilt. Though none of what he did was his fault, a lifetime of remorse rested heavy on his shoulders after his Winter Soldier days. You wondered how much unjust blame he could carry before it crushed him. 

Bucky sighed, “All of it. Everything that went wrong on that last mission- the explosion, all those agents getting hurt-”

“What? You weren’t even the lead on that job- how is any of it your fault?” Heat rose in your chest. Your heart pounded against your ribs. Defending Bucky was your first instinct, your first priority. And while he accepted the shame with which Fury saddled him, you immediately turned to protection. To rage. 

Bucky shrugged, “he said I’m the most experienced, so I should’ve known better than to let the lead take our team into the lab.”

 “Wait- he said you should’ve argued with the mission lead?”

Bucky nodded. 

“But didn’t he reprimand you last month for that exact reason?”

Again, he nodded. 

“What the fuck?” Wrath sizzled beneath your skin. No one was allowed to treat Bucky this way- not even Fury. He contradicted himself and put his hypocrisy on full display, knowing Bucky hated himself too much to argue. 

“I can-” Bucky’s voice came out hollow. Empty. Guilt had him in a chokehold. “I can see where he’s coming from…”

“No, don’t do that.” It wasn’t a reprimand- but a reminder. You laced your fingers with his, “You know it wasn’t your fault.”

He refused to make eye contact. “I mean, I could’ve spoken up-”

“You weren’t even with them, were you? Didn’t Fury tell you to hit the warehouse on your own?”

He nodded.

“So how is any of it your fault, Buck?” Fury sent Bucky into a tailspin with almost no effort. He knew exactly which buttons to push, which wires to pull. Fury made him his puppet, his scapegoat. He made Bucky work harder than anyone else and never delivered the praise he deserved. Instead, he met Bucky’s efforts with tongue-lashings and bitter insults. With blame. 

“I don’t…” he shrugged. “I don’t know- but it feels like it’s on me. A lot of people got hurt and I am the most experienced. I should’ve said something-”

“But if you did, Fury would’ve called you into his office to tell you that you’re arrogant- like he did last time.” A deep breath filled your lungs and calmed your system; anger wouldn’t help Bucky. You needed to channel that energy into comforting him, easing his mind. 

You softened your tone, “You know you can’t win with him, Buck.”

“Maybe because I tried to kill him… twice.” Finally, he looked at you, “And I can handle being called arrogant- those agents got hurt, doll. That’s different.”

“I know it’s different. I’m just saying… you weren’t involved. You did what you were told- what Fury told you to do.” Your hand cupped his cheek, he leaned into your touch. “And if he wants to get mad at you for that, he’s a piece of shit. He knows he fucked up, and he’s pinning it on you.”

Bucky pulled you close. He curled in on himself with you at his center, his head resting against your chest. The logical part of his brain believed everything you said. It disregarded Fury’s false accusations and willed the blame to dissipate. But the rest of him took Fury’s every word as gospel. It rejected your assurances, categorizing them as obligatory kindness from a significant other. Shame feasted on his soul. He didn’t want to feel this way, but it came easily. By now, it was second nature. 

“Thanks, doll…” He lifted his head and brought his face to yours, “I appreciate you.” He meant it; no one ever supported him like this. But you always listened. You were always there for him, even when he was too ashamed to look you in the eye. You showed him patience and kindness and led him out of the dark more times than he could count. 

He dotted a few soft kisses to your lips, “I’m gonna take a shower.” 

“Wait-” Your hand caught his as he tried to get up, “I love you.”

A shy smile pulled at Bucky’s lips. He once again met your lips with his, needier this time. “And I love you.”

He stripped off his shirt and, immediately, your eyes landed on it. By now, you knew better than to stare. But sometimes, you couldn’t stop yourself.  

The first time it caught your eye, you couldn’t avert your gaze. You noticed it right away- how could you not? It drew your focus the first moment Bucky removed his shirt in front of you. You didn’t think anything could ever distract you from his perfect body- but you were wrong. 

A massive bruise splashed across Bucky’s skin. The cluster of broken blood vessels was dark at the center- nearly black. It exploded into by purples and blues that stained his right shoulder and eclipsed his chest. Sometimes, an angry, red haze leaked from the edges like a wine stain. Greens and yellows- signs of healing- colored the border every now and then. But no matter how many times you bore witness, they never seemed to overtake the tones of violet and navy. 

For whatever reason, this thing refused to heal.

On more occasions than you could count, you asked Bucky about this large indigo mark. And he always had an answer:

“Ran through a wall”

“Jumped out of a plane”

“That John Walker asshole hit me with Steve’s shield”

He did, indeed, have a dangerous job and a penchant for peril. For taking risks. But no one else on the team ever seemed to have a bruise like that. Even you received your fair share of stitches and broken ribs, but never anything as persistent as Bucky’s bruise. 

Wasn’t he a super soldier? Wasn’t he supposed to heal fast- really fast? His other injuries disappeared like they’d never happened; why did this bruise stick around? 

“I think you need to get that looked at,” you told him once, “it can’t be good that it never heals...”

Bucky shrugged it off with a smile. He kissed you on the forehead and thanked you for your concern. But he didn’t get it checked out. He downplayed the massive bruise eclipsing his body and moved on, just like he always did. 

“What are you lookin’ at?” Bucky quirked a brow at you, his shy smile making another appearance.

You shrugged, “Doesn’t it hurt?”

“It’s not- it’s not that bad,” Bucky did his best to hide his bruise with his vibranium hand, but the colors extended far past what he could cover. “I’m used to it.”

Something had to be wrong with him, right? Something inside his body had to be out of order. The first time you saw it- the first time you saw him without his shirt- was six months ago. How long could a bruise last? And how long did he have it before he showed it to you? 

Why hadn’t the serum fixed it by now?

Bucky was well past his expiration date. He lived more years than the universe intended, and his body suffered enough trauma for a hundred lifetimes. He was strong, he was a survivor. But every time you stole a glance at the inky spot on his skin, anxiety blocked your airway. Part of you wondered if this mark signaled his end. There was a chance that his body already started breaking down, that all those years of abuse caught up with him. Maybe his bruise was a harbinger. Maybe his days were numbered. Maybe he was dying. 

Maybe you were about to lose him.

Those kinds of thoughts pushed bile into your throat. You shoved them into the darkest corners of your mind and did your best to lock them away, but they reappeared from time to time just to hurt you. Taunt you. Bring you to tears. And while Bucky made his way into the bathroom and turned on the hot water, you remained fixated on the inky spot. On his demise. 

Bucky did his best to let the shower cleanse his mind. He told himself he’d let it all go- all the guilt and the blame. He knew he didn’t deserve it. But his shame didn’t run down the drain. It didn’t wash away with the warm spray of the shower. No, he remained coated in it, dripping with it, no matter how hard he scrubbed. And though it wasn’t an unfamiliar feeling, he never welcomed its reemergence.

A sliver of levity wriggled into his chest as he emerged from the bathroom. He found you reading in bed, your brows knit together in that cute way he loved. But your focus shattered when he stepped into the bedroom. He watched you dogear your page and shut your book as he climbed into bed. 

“You don’t have to stop reading because of me, doll-” 

“I was only reading while I waited for you,” you extended a hand in his direction and tugged him closer. He didn’t need to know that you only opened your book to distract from your crippling anxiety about his condition. He didn’t need to know that you read the same paragraph over and over and over without retaining a word. “Now that you’re here, I don’t need any other form of entertainment.”

“Is that so?” He narrowed his eyes at you and gestured to the book resting on your chest, “I’m better than Dracula?”

“Way better. So, the guy drinks blood and sleeps in a coffin-” You shot him a wink and knocked your book to the floor, “big whoop.” A dramatic eye roll and a quick laugh accompanied your comments about Bram Stoker’s masterpiece. But a sudden seriousness banished your playful tone as you gave Bucky a once over. He didn’t look any better- not that he ever looked bad. But the hot shower did nothing to help him relax. All his muscles remained taught. His brow still furrowed. The tension in his jaw seemed to turn to concrete. He was hurting. 

“How you doin’, Buck?” A gentle hand smoothed over his shoulder and slid down his arm. “You okay?”

A manufactured smile spread across his face. His shoulders rose and fell in an all too casual shrug. “I’m fine- I’m good.” He couldn’t seem to maintain eye contact for more than a few seconds.

Another tug of his hand brought him closer. “You don’t seem fine…”

“No, really. I’m okay,” he brought your hand to his lips and pressed kisses to your palm. He was the farthest thing from okay; it was written all over his face. And though he did his best to put on a façade for you, you saw through the cracks. A heaviness lurked behind the grin he wore. A deep sadness darkened his gaze. You knew he probably spent the entirety of his shower replaying Fury’s words and berating himself within an inch of his life. 

An extra helping of guilt dropped upon Bucky’s shoulders as he studied you. One of your nails dug into the cuticle of another. Your smile remained tight and tense. He could practically see the anxiety surging through your nervous system. And it was all his fault. You were worried about him, upset about him. How could he do this to you when you brough him nothing but peace?

He found it in him to take a deep breath, to let his shoulders fall a fraction of an inch. “It’s just gonna take a little time for me to get out of the shitty headspace Fury put me in. I’ll be alright-” He pressed a kiss to your cheek, “I promise.”

Fucking Fury. He seemed to allow everyone else chance after chance; he granted grace to every other member of the team. Everyone but Bucky. “You wanna get some sleep, then?” you cupped Bucky’s cheek, “hopefully, you’ll feel better in the morning.”

Bucky nodded. He reached over and flipped off his bedside lamp before giving his pillow a few adjustments. He got settled under the covers and waited for you to do the same- but you didn’t. You laid there, watching him. 

“You gonna turn your lamp off, doll?”

“Not until you’re all situated.”

Bucky looked down at his perfectly arranged covers and then back at you, “I’m um, I think I’m settled, baby.”

You quirked a brow at him, “Are you though? Come on-” you found his hand under the covers and pulled him closer. “Assume the position, Barnes.”

He let out a labored, tired laugh. “Baby, thank you, but I can’t. My hair’s still wet, you’re gonna be cold-”

“I don’t care- you had a rough day.”  You could practically see the war raging within Bucky’s psyche. He was dying to crawl into your embrace a disappear into your warmth. But he couldn’t- not tonight. 

“It’s okay, doll. You don’t have to, it’s-” 

“Come onnn, Buck. You knowwww you waaaant toooooo.” You gave your chest a few light pats, beckoning him to you. “I know it always makes you feel better.”

Of course, he wanted to. Something about resting his head on your chest, listening to your heartbeat, and feeling your hands in his hair eased his soul. Even on his darkest, most soul-crushing days, he found solace with you. But guilt still gnawed at him; Fury’s rant played on a constant loop inside his head. And after what he’d supposedly done, he didn’t feel as though he deserved your love. 

“Baby, I know you feel bad; And I know you’re trying to deprive yourself. But guilty or not- which you are not-” you gave his hand a squeeze, “you deserve comfort.”

A touch of heartbreak colored your voice. You were desperate to help Bucky, nearly begging him to grant himself some grace. Some care. In his attempts to hurt himself by staying far from your embrace, he’d hurt you instead. He’d made you sad, filled you with worry. He wondered if he’d ever be able to do anything right. 

In an instant, he did as you asked; he’d do anything to make you feel better. His head rested against your chest, his wet hair dampening your shirt. It sent a rush of goosebumps over your skin- but you didn’t care. A deep sigh left Bucky’s chest as he melted against you. He often swore his body was made to fit yours, that he only existed to touch and be touched by you. 

“See? Isn’t that better?”

“Mhmm…” he sighed, “much.”

You ran a hand through his wet hair, “Good. Now, let’s get some sleep. Okay?” You flicked off your lamp and wrapped your arms around Bucky, willing every ounce of your love into his body. He’d feel better in the morning- you knew he would. He just needed time and rest and a little love. And you gave him more than he ever dreamed of. 

But around two in the morning, a strange sound vibrated on the edges of your consciousness. The dense ‘thud’repeated endlessly, like an eternal metronome. It resounded inside your head, mixing itself in with your dream until it finally woke you. 

With your face still smushed into your pillow, you muttered Bucky’s name. The sound stopped- maybe you imagined it. Maybe it really was just part of your dream. Silence settled over your room once again and lulled you back to sleep. 

But only a few minutes later, that sound woke you once again.

Your words came out sloppy, heavy with sleep. “Whass tha noise?” 

No answer. 

“Baby,” you said, more alert this time, “You hear that?”

Bucky didn’t respond. 

With a groan, you forced your eyes open. There was no sign of disturbance or struggle; nothing out of the ordinary caught your eye. Everything was in its place- except Bucky. And when you pressed your palm against his side of the bed, the sheets lacked any remnants of his warmth. 

This wasn’t like him- not anymore, anyway. Back when you first got together, Bucky left the room when he woke from a night terror. He’d slip out of bed and escape to the living room, forcing himself to withstand his panic attack all alone. But one night, you found him on the living room floor- desperate for breath. He clutched the corner of the rug and gritted his teeth, willing the anxiety to receded. 

He flinched when you touched him; he didn’t hear you approach over the pounding in his ears. But the second he saw you, he reached for you. His sickly white knuckles regained their color as he released his fists and collapsed against you. He dropped his head into your lap, falling forward with the weight of his trauma. And he allowed your voice to soothe his racing mind. He let you guide him out of the agony. 

Of course, he apologized for waking you. For inconveniencing you. Of course, you wouldn’t hear it. And when the panic finally subsided, he let you walk him back to bed. He buried his face in your chest and thanked you a million times over. After that night, you made him promise to wake you when these things happened- no matter what time it was. You made him promise not to suffer in silence. And he agreed. 

You didn’t know he had his fingers crossed. 

“Buck?” the anxious pounding of your heart boomed in your chest. “Baby?” You kicked the blankets from your body and abandoned your bed. Slivers of light made their way through the blinds and splashed across the floor, allowing you to search through the darkness. He wasn’t sitting on the floor or in the armchair near the window. Nor did you find him in the en suite bathroom.  

“Bucky?” The hall was empty and the office void of Bucky’s presence. And while you searched for him, the sound refused to cease. It echoed through seemingly every fiber of the apartment. It haunted every space. Unfounded worries threw themselves at you, fighting to topple you to the ground. What if Bucky was hurt? What if he was gone? 

No- he was fine. Of course, he was. Right? He had to be. The home you shared was safe. Nothing here could hurt or harm him in any way. 

Well, maybe not nothing.

The thudding of your heart grew loud in your ears, nearly eclipsing the mystery sound all together. Part of you even doubted the existence of the noise- maybe it was just your anxiety getting to you. Maybe Bucky was in the kitchen grabbing a late-night snack, perfectly safe and happy. 

But when you rounded the corner into the living room, all doubt fell away. Shards of your heart did the same as you stood in shock, watching the source of the sound reveal itself. 

Bucky sat on the floor near the window, his back resting against the couch. 

His metal fist hammered against his right shoulder again and again, beating the flesh a sickly blue. 

The utter shock stole your breath, forcing it violently from your lungs. A burning erupted from your chest and spread through your every cell like wildfire. The floor seemed to tilt and ripple as a wave of dizziness sent you nearly collapsing into the closest wall. And through all of it, the sound persisted. The sickly thud of metal striking skin, striking bone.

But there was no time for your shock or sadness or heartbreak. Bucky needed you.

“Buck? Hey-” In only a few strides, you made your way to his side. But he didn’t look at you. He didn’t meet your eyes when you sat down in front of him, nor did he stop his assault. “Bucky, baby, can you look at me?” 

He didn’t. He simply forced his hand against his chest over and over, no matter the pain. 

“Bucky,” you didn’t recognize your own voice. It came out more strained, more desperate than you’d ever heard it. The sight of Bucky doing this to himself almost made you sick, the sound covered you in goosebumps. A flood of saliva rushed into your mouth, warning you of the impending threat of vomit- but you forced it down.

Every time you asked about it, every time you wondered what caused that bruise- you never imagined it was self-inflicted. 

“I need you to stop, okay?” Your words came out frantic, “Can you- can you just look at me for a second?”

His hollow gaze remained fixed on the floor. Anguish twisted his features, pulling his face into a pained mask. But his eyes held no life. 

“Please-” your palm landed on his bruised shoulder mere seconds before the next strike. The force of his vibranium fist was sure to shatter your hand, but you didn’t care. You’d do anything to stop him from hurting himself. Anything to ease his pain. And if you couldn’t make him stop, maybe you could soften the blow. 

But just as his fist once again neared his shoulder, he stopped. “Move,” his voice was low, almost timid.

“No.”

“Doll,” his eyes remained downcast, “I need you to move your hand.”

You refused. “I’m not gonna move, Buck. I’m not gonna let you hurt yourself.”

Finally, he dragged his shame-filled gaze upward. His despondent look sliced through you, cutting right to the bone. This was worse than the vacant stare he wore moments ago; this was utter misery. “Please…” his voice caught in his throat, barely pushing its way past the tension. “Move.”

But your hand remained; you’d keep it there until the end of time if you had to. 

Warm, salty tears breached your lips as you spoke, and only then did you realize you were crying. “Buck, why are you doing this?”

“Because I know you won’t.” He clenched and unclenched his metal fist in a never-ending cycle, itching to resume his efforts. “None of you will. Not Sam. Not Hill. Not ever Fury. So, I have to.”

“Of course, we won’t. Why- Why would we?” It was an unfathomable thought. 

“I need- I deserve to be punished. I deserve to face consequences for my actions.” The words fell from his lips in what resembled a recitation, like he had a script to follow. Like he’d said this before. “There are always consequences…” Again, he pulled his hand into a fist; the vibranium whined under his strength. “There have to be consequences.”

“There were consequences- your meeting with Fury? That was the consequence.”

He shook his head, “It’s not enough- people got hurt.”

“It’s more than enough…” With your free hand, you reached for Bucky’s cold fist. He resisted at first, almost scared to be without his method of punishment. But he never could resist your touch. One at a time, you uncurled his fingers from his tight fist. You pressed his cold palm against your chest and held it there, allowing the beat of your heart to vibrate through the metal. “Especially because you didn’t do anything wrong. People got hurt- but it’s not your fault.”

Bucky ached to maim himself. He needed to feel pain. Needed to get what he thought he deserved. But he couldn’t bring himself to tear his hand from your chest. And though you blocked his bruise and made punishment impossible, he liked the way your palm felt against his black and blue skin. It was the one part of him you always shied away from for fear of hurting the already tender flesh. But your touch soothed the deep ache.

“Baby, how…” you swallowed the lump forming in your throat, “how often do you do this?” You weren’t sure you wanted the answer; just the thought of Bucky doing this to himself day in and day out filled your chest with storm clouds. But you needed to know.

His words held a deep shame, “Whenever I deserve it.”

“Buck, you’ve had that bruise for at least six months...”

He shrugged, “I deserve it a lot.”

Everything inside you burst into flames. You wanted to tear Hydra apart, to destroy them for what they did to Bucky. They altered his sense of self so violently, so irreparably, that they changed who he saw in the mirror. He viewed himself only as a vehicle for destruction, a receptacle for other peoples’ wrongs. They drilled into him an acceptance of abuse, of pain, of torture. And now, he didn’t know how to operate without it. 

“No, you don’t- you don’t deserve this.” A small quiver forced its way into your voice, “even if this whole thing was your fault- which it wasn’t- you wouldn’t deserve to be hurt.”

He stared at you for a long moment. Sometimes, he didn’t understand. He couldn’t comprehend the sentiment that he didn’t deserve pain and suffering; that he wasn’t always to blame. It was almost like you spoke different languages. Shuri may have eliminated the Winter Soldier programming and rendered his trigger words useless, but she couldn’t remove his shame. His guilt. His instinct to assume blame.  

“I can’t do anything right-” His right hand gripped the edge of the rug. He needed some way to release his tension, his anxiety. The fabric bunched inside his fist and twisted with his every move. 

“It seems like no matter what I do- or don’t do- someone ends up hurt. That says something about me, doesn’t it?” 

“No. It doesn’t.” You slowly removed your hand from his metal wrist and found his right fist. He eased the tension in his grip with your help and released the corner of the rug. It fell crumpled against the hardwood, struggling to regain its shape. “Buck, you always say that you blame yourself because you think you’re a bad person. But I actually think you blame yourself because you’re a good person.”

He gave a small shake of his head. 

“You’re willing to shoulder whatever guilt or blame other people put on you- regardless of whether you deserve it- because you’re not selfish.” He was, in fact, the least selfish person in the world. He’d set himself on fire to keep you warm. Would move heaven and earth to make you smile. He was loyal, devoted. He cared about you, about his friends, without ever putting himself first. 

“And you haven’t buried yourself in ego or pride like some of the other guys we work with.” 

Bucky let out a soft laugh. 

No, he didn’t bury himself in ego; he had no ego. His self-image wasn’t inflated or overexaggerated. He just wanted to do his best. To help. To offset with light some of the darkness he caused. 

“And maybe it’s your way of seeking redemption- not that you need to be redeemed,” you gave his hand a squeeze. “But maybe part of you feels like if you accept enough responsibility, it’ll make up for the things you were forced to do as the Winter Soldier.” 

He let out a sigh from somewhere deep within him, somewhere he didn’t know he had. It seemed to him like he’d been holding on to this truth, this breath, since the day he escaped. And here, in the darkness, he released it. “I just… I don’t want to be the bad guy anymore.”

“That’s the thing Buck,” you gently stroked a few fingertips across his massive bruise, “You never were.”

His forehead fell against yours. The two of you sat there, motionless, for what felt like forever. Cars moved on the streets below. Thunder rolled through the sky. Rain drops tapped against the large windows. But neither of you noticed. 

“If I move this hand-” you tapped your once again fingers against his bruised shoulder, “are you gonna do it again?”

He shook his head. 

With great hesitancy, you removed your palm from the evidence of his self-inflicted punishment. It looked worse in the eerie 2am lighting, like a black hole formed on his skin; you feared it might envelope him completely if you let it. Your lips replaced your hand, leaving the softest of kisses across his skin. Bucky let loose a small sound- something like a whimper- as you traced the bruise with your mouth. He let a few tears slip down his cheeks. 

“Thank you…”

You took a moment to drink him in. He was stronger than humanly possible. Hugely muscular. Nearly indestructible. But in the middle of the night on the floor of your living room, he looked so small. So fragile. His shoulders caved forward, and his read remained bowed. His voice wavered. His right hand shook ever so slightly. He was a man haunted, possessed by his past. Fearing the future. He was hurt. Broken. Lost in others’ perceptions of himself. He lay trapped under his need for validation from those around him. He sought approval from people who never dreamed of granting it. 

You wondered if he’d ever be free from his ghosts, or if they’d follow him until he became one himself. 

“You don’t have to thank me,” you pressed a kiss to his forehead. “All I ever want is to be there for you when you need me.” The tremor in your voice matched Bucky’s. Pure hurt rendered the air around you thick and heavy. You ached for Bucky, and he, in return, ached to be anyone but himself. 

“What do you wanna do? We can go back to bed. Or if you don’t feel like sleeping, we can hang out in here and watch some tv.” You ran a hand through his sweat-dampened hair, “Up to you.” 

Bucky’s mind still raced. His brain sat stewing in a deep pit of sorrow and anguish. But he was tired- exhausted. And while his mind wanted to stay up for a while, he let his body decide. His chest and shoulder screamed with pain. His skin stung. Each breath forced a sharp agony into his consciousness; he knew he must’ve cracked a rib. “Let’s-” he grimaced as an inhale filled his lungs, “let’s go back to bed.”

As gently as you could, you helped Bucky from the floor. He smiled when your hand found his as you led him in the direction of the bedroom. The two of you shuffled down the dark hall in silence with no clue what to say. Bucky wanted to apologize; you wanted to drown him in promises of your love. 

Bucky stopped short when you paused, almost running into you. You turned to him suddenly, eying his bruise in the dim light. “You go ahead, okay? I’m gonna grab you an ice pack.”

“Doll, thank you, but I’m fine-”

You narrowed your eyes at him, “does it hurt?”

He shrugged; the motion made him wince. “I mean, yeah. But it’s-”

“Exactly.” You pushed up on your tip toes to press a kiss to his cheek, “I’m gonna get you an ice pack. You get your ass to bed- I’ll be there in a second.”

Bucky whispered a ‘thank you’ and headed in the direction of the bedroom, leaving you alone. But just as he turned the corner down the hall, guilt wrapped around his ankles like a ball and chain. He was stuck; his need to apologize rendering him frozen. He watched you turn in the direction of the kitchen and wondered what he did to deserve you. “Hey, doll…” he called after you. “I’m sorry for waking you.”

“Nothing to apologize for. I promise.”

“But I-”

 “You’re doing your best. You’re coping in the only way you know how. That’s not something to be sorry for.”

Bucky shrugged, winced, and disappeared into the bedroom, eager to escape your line of sight. Everything you did, you did for him. And though that knowledge should’ve eased Bucky’s soul, it only added to his guilt. He marked yet another tally to the long, long list of ways in which he didn’t deserve you. 

The walk to the kitchen wasn’t long- but it provided a sliver of extra time for you to cope in private. If Bucky knew just how much this upset you, how heartbroken you were, he’d never forgive himself. He, instead, would add that knowledge to his ever-growing mountain of shame. He’d adopt a new method of self-punishment, something more subtle, easier to hide. And he’d never express his guilt or shame to you ever again, all to save your feelings. You couldn’t do that to him; he deserved an outlet, a sounding board, a space to vent. You’d never dream of robbing him of that. 

“Alright, here we go,” you pushed open the bedroom door. “I got you one of the big ones, cause that thing is massive, and-” If you didn’t look up at the right moment, you would’ve crashed right into Bucky. 

He stood near the foot of the bed, just inside the door, almost vibrating with anxiety. It rolled through him in waves and placed tremors in his hands. He didn’t stand a fighting chance. 

His massive frame looming in the darkness almost blocked your path completely- and scared the hell out of you. “Shit-” You tripped over your own feet and stumbled backward, but Bucky wouldn’t let you fall.

He caught you in the nick of time, snatching you from the air and righting you on your feet. “Oh, hey- I’m sorry, sweetheart.”

Without a word, you pressed the towel-wrapped ice pack to his skin. Though he detested the cold, the sensation awarded him much needed relief. A deep sigh left his chest as his pain receptors deadened and the constant, months-long throbbing subsided. This was the first thing to put his pain on pause in- he couldn’t remember how long.

You searched his face for any indicators of discomfort, “How does that feel?”

All he could do was nod. The two of you stood there a while as Bucky drank in the relief. The muscles in his shoulders released their tension, his breaths came a bit easier. But something dark lurked beneath his quiet surface. 

“Such a gentleman, waiting for me to come back before getting in bed,” you threw him a wink.  

Bucky’s attempted laugh came out broken, disjointed. To his credit, he tried to laugh for real. He wanted to put this whole night behind him and slide into bed with you. Under the covers, surrounded by your body heat, nothing could hurt him. The skeletons of his past couldn’t claw out of the ground and wreak havoc on his psyche. But a nagging dread yanked at his heart. 

He couldn’t pretend things were resolved. He couldn’t forget his troubles and intertwine his body with yours like the knit of a well-loved sweater. The crushing weight of Fury’s blame sat atop his shoulders, growing heavier by the second. But he couldn’t find it in him to tell you, to ask you for help. 

“Come on, let’s go back to sleep. Okay?” You tucked the ice pack into Bucky’s hand and started toward your side of the bed, “I know you’ve gotta be exhausted.”

But Bucky didn’t follow. He didn’t join you, didn’t even nod. He stood there, stuck, his feet anchored to the floor. The cold pack ate through his nerve endings until his hand went numb. And no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t fill his lungs. They felt shallower, somehow- like they lost all capacity. 

His deadened fingers fell open, allowing the ice pack to fall against the floor. The sound pulled your focus, halting your efforts to right the sheets and blankets. 

“Buck?”

He didn’t answer. 

“Hey…” Quick steps brought you face to face with his empty stare. “Is everything-”

His knees met the hardwood as the weight of his anxiety forced him into submission. He fell against the cold floor with a sickening thud, his body shaking with the force. His head bowed; his spine curved forward. Ragged inhales forced their way into his ever-constricting lungs.

“Please-” he begged through choppy breaths, “if you won’t let me do it myself, I need- I need you to.”

“Buck, I’m-”

“I need you to hurt me.”

His words gutted you. 

“Baby, no.”

He begged over and over for punishment. For pain. 

Bucky fell against you the moment you joined him on the floor. His head lay buried in your neck, his sharp breaths fanning your skin. He begged through the tears, through the torment, for pain. And you refused. Instead, you gave him the lightest, softest affections you could manage. 

Under different circumstances, your gentle touch would’ve saved him. It would’ve brought him comfort in his moment of distress, grounded him during a bout of panic. But he didn’t want kind hands. For the first time, your soft touches prolonged the agony. The light circles you rubbed against his back filled him with impending doom. With misery. He wanted torture. Agony. 

And even if he were dying, he’d willingly sacrifice his last breath to ask for punishment. 

As carefully as you could, you helped Bucky lay down on the floor. How his body continued to run remained a mystery to you. He was drained, physically and emotionally. He was hurt. Panic ravaged his nervous system and pumped him full of cortisol. He was running on empty. 

“Let’s try to relax a bit, okay? Let’s try to breathe-”

He shook his head against the rug, “No, I need- I need it. I need you to- can you…” His words came out weak- but desperate.

Your hands raked through his hair and massaged his knotted muscles. Over and over again, you swore your love to him. You showered him in assurances and words of kindness. And though he was grateful when sleep won him over, it didn’t stop his efforts. Even as he finally dozed off, he begged. 

“P- please…” he sighed, his eyelids fluttering. “Need you… need you to.” His hand twitched, his brow furrowed. “Hurt- hurt me.” Hearing it didn’t get any easier. 

For what must’ve been the millionth time, you refused. 

And while Bucky slept in your arms, you remained wired. Every cell in your body swam in a cocktail adrenaline and cortisol. You wondered if you’d ever sleep again.  Just when you thought Bucky’s story couldn’t get any darker, it seemed to do just that. His life was all shadows and wormholes wrapped in an inky abyss. No stars, no moon. Just shapeless, unsettling, endless night. 

He deserved better. 

The sun rose as you fell asleep. Your mind shut off; your body gave out. Thinking yourself in circles while Bucky slept in the safety of your arms depleted your every ounce of energy. Worrying this much didn’t seem healthy; you didn’t think it was even possible to feel such deep concern. You never knew how taxing crying could be. But Bucky was worth it- hands down. 

No part of you wanted to fall asleep; Bucky couldn’t be left unsupervised. But a biological need for rest demanded you get some shut eye. And while you slept off the gut-wrenching night you’d spent with Bucky, anxiety seeped into your dreams. Images of Bucky maiming himself flashed behind your eyes. You saw him bloodying his body, abusing himself. His bruise haunted you. 

Waking in bed threw you for a loop. Only a few hours ago, you’d dozed off on the throw rug covering your bedroom floor. But when you opened your eyes, you found yourself snuggled under the duvet with Bucky’s body under yours. His arms held you tight, your face nuzzled into his neck. This was how things were supposed to be. 

It was then you realized- your head lay against his bruise. Even in your sleep, you did your best to protect him from himself. He wouldn’t dare strike his shoulder and risk hurting you. But the weight of your skull had to hurt him, didn’t it? He was sore, miserably so. Just the pressure of your palm resting against his bruise the night before made him wince- surely, your head was too much. With the utmost caution, you pulled your head from his chest.

“It’s okay- doesn’t hurt,” his voice was weak, full of exhaustion. You didn’t know he was awake. 

“Oh. Okay, good. I, um,” you looked around for a few seconds. “I don’t remember getting in bed.”

“We didn’t- well, you didn’t.” He couldn’t believe that after everything he put you through the previous night- all the pain, the heartache, the worry- he let you fall asleep on the floor. It was selfish of him, inconsiderate. He should’ve insisted that you get in bed. He should’ve done what you asked and crawled under the covers with you. He failed you- again. “I didn’t want you to sleep on the floor…” 

Your lips met his skin in a chain of soft kisses, “You know I don’t mind.”

“But I do,” he returned every kiss you granted him.

He woke nearly half an hour after you finally dozed off and found you curled up against him. Your head rested against the cold hard wood; the itchy rug left marks against your skin. A small shiver rattled up your spine and pushed you closer to Bucky’s warm embrace; it was too cold for you to sleep without a blanket. His body begged him to go back to sleep, but he couldn’t- not yet. He lifted you from the floor, his shoulder aching with the effort, and tucked you into bed with all the care in the world. Only then could he fall asleep once again. 

“I’m sorry about- about all of it,” he said. “Last night was-”

“You don’t have to be sorry,” you pulled your face from his chest, “I just wanna know what that was about.”

Bucky hoped that acting innocent would save him. “What?” Maybe if he pretended like he didn’t know what you were talking about, you’d move on. Maybe you’d tell him to forget it and save him the explanation. You didn’t.

“When you asked me to…” you gave a small shake of your head, “to hurt you.” The pain in your voice sliced through Bucky. He wondered if words could make him bleed. 

“Oh. Yeah. That was… I was out of line,” his jaw tensed. “That wasn’t okay. I know I made you uncomfortable- I’m sorry. I never wanna upset you. I was being stupid. And selfish. It wasn’t fair of me-”

The shame practically dripped from Bucky’s lips. You could almost see in running down his chin, staining his skin. He expressed his remorse for things that weren’t his fault, for things he couldn’t control. He told you how sorry he was for his trauma responses and the anxiety that held him hostage. Maybe one day, he’d believe you when you told him he didn’t have to apologize. Today was not that day. 

“I’m just worried about you, Buck. And I wanna help in any way I can-” you took a deep breath, “I just can’t help in that way.”

“I know.”

“Can you maybe tell me- can you help me understand?”

He remained silent for a long while. If he stayed quiet long enough, he could avoid any further distress on your part. With his silence, he could provide solace. But no. You had a penchant for knowing what made Bucky tick, no matter the pain it caused you. 

Your unflinching stare drilled through him until he couldn’t take it any longer. “I needed you to hurt me because that’s what I’m used to. I’m used to punishment,” he finally said. “Because when I fucked up at Hydra, there were consequences. They’d beat me within an inch of my life to get the message across.”

Of course, this was a sad truth you already knew. But hearing it aloud- from his lips- gutted you. The image of a cowering, broken Bucky sent bile rushing up your throat. You could see him lying in a cell somewhere, his blood staining the concrete as Rumlow tore him apart. And of course, he’d never fight back- he couldn’t. Not unless ordered to. 

“And now, that’s what I’m accustomed to,” he rested a hand against his bruise, almost on instinct. “I don’t know how to operate without it. I thought I’d be happy to never experience it again but… I feel like I need it.”

Showing Bucky kindness and understanding sat atop your priority list- but you couldn’t grasp his perspective. It didn’t make sense. He lived a life so foreign to you, so utterly other, that the things he said often left you confused. While the two of you had many similarities and things in common, some experiences would simply never be relatable. Some stories could never be shared. 

And similar to how Bucky couldn’t understand your flagrant disregard for locking the front door, you couldn’t fathom why he’d beat himself blue.  

“Why, Buck?” It wasn’t that you wanted to know. No, the truth could only serve to hurt you. But you needed to understand. You needed to untangle every knot within Bucky’s psyche and help mend his frayed edges. In order to help him, you had to first grasp his perspective. “Why do you ‘need’ it?”

“Because I know I deserve it.” The words came out course, almost aggressive. Bucky shot you a sheepish look, his method of a wordless apology. The next time he spoke, his voice was softer, his tone more even. “I’ve been conditioned to expect it. And waiting for that pain is- it’s torture. It’s almost worse than the punishment itself.” 

He thought back on all the beatings he received as result of fucking up missions. On one occasion, they broke all twelve of his ribs in one sitting. Another time, they turned almost his entire body blue with bruises. But the times they made him wait it out were far worse than any bloodshed. He jumped at every sound, lost the ability to think. To sleep. To breathe. Every moment fell prey to the anticipation of agony. Bucky shuddered. 

“I keep expecting pain. I feel like I have to look over my shoulder.” The urge to tear himself apart scratched at the inside of Bucky’s skull. If he could just deliver his punishment- if he could just get what he knew was coming- he’d be okay. By destroying his body, he could soothe his mind. But with you so close, staring at him with your blood shot, heartbroken eyes, he was stuck. “It’s like this sense of impending doom that doesn’t end unless I get what I know is coming.”

Things fell quiet as you thought over his words. Anxiety was an old friend you knew well. It accompanied you through everything, never leaving your side for more than a few days. But what Bucky described- that was the stuff of nightmares. That was misery. 

“Hang on,” you tripped over a detail in his story, “then what happened last night?” You didn’t mean to sound skeptical- it wasn’t like that at all. You believed every word Bucky said. One part, however, didn’t quite make sense. “Last night, you got your punishment. You got the pain. Why did you ask me to-”

He sighed, “Last night was different. You caught me. I had to stop- I’ve never done that before. I’ve never stopped right in the middle. I was only out there a little while before you found me.” His vibranium hand pulled into a fist and slowly released. He did this time and time again as the urge hurt himself gnawed at him. “I didn’t do enough. It felt like holding in a sneeze or something. And when we came in here to go to sleep, I still had this sense of looming pain, an impending punishment. And I knew you wouldn’t let me give it to myself. So, I asked you to do it.” 

The far-away look in his eye dissolved as he came screeching back to the present. Guilt dragged his features downward into a near scowl. “But I shouldn’t have done that. I’m so sorry.” The remorse weighed more than he could shoulder. If he thought he knew what guilt felt like before, he was wrong. 

“It’s okay, Buck.” You knew the memory of Bucky begging you for punishment would haunt you forever. It took up prime real estate in your mind and cut you deeper each time you paid it attention. But he couldn’t help it; this was part of his journey. When you started dating Bucky, you knew he wasn’t a ‘regular’ person. Darkness and demons followed him wherever he went, filling his mind with horrors most people could never imagine. Of course, there were going to be speed bumps and rough patches on the road of your relationship. But he never did anything with malice in his heart. He was simply trying to survive. “I know you’re just doing your best-”

“My best is pretty shitty.”

He was always so callous with himself, so unforgiving. It wasn’t fair. “Baby, you’ve made a lot of progress.” He was a completely different person than he was a few months ago. He’d worked hard every day to wade through his trauma and find himself on the other side- all while saving the world. “But it doesn’t all have to happen at once. You can’t heal from everything in one fell swoop. It’s not linear. It’s a slow process-”

“Really slow.” He let out a huff and pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes. Part of him wanted to run; he couldn’t believe he’d subjected you- the kindest, most loving person on earth- to this corner of his awful reality. But he knew being without you was a fate worse than death. Worse than Hydra. 

“I don’t want to do this-” he motioned toward his bruise. “I don’t want to hurt myself. But I don’t know how to stop. I don’t know how to heal the part of me that’s always looking over my shoulder for a punishment.”

You smoothed his hair back and let your hand drift down his cheek, “You don’t have to do it on your own, Buck. Maybe you should talk to someone-”

He shot you a pointed look.

“Not Dr. Raynor. Someone else. Someone with empathy.” 

Bucky gave a firm nod and a quiet laugh. “Okay, yeah. That works. 

“And in the meantime, whenever you feel that impulse, I want you to tell me, okay? I want to help you through in whatever way I can.”

He tried to protest, but you silenced him. “I’m in this with you- full stop. I’m with you for all the hard stuff and the things you hate about yourself. I’m always in your corner.”

He snaked his arms around you and pulled you as close as possible, relishing in the feeling of your heart beating against his skin. 

“This is a pain-free household, okay? We don’t do punishments here. We don’t hurt ourselves, and we don’t hurt each other.” You wiggled a hand free and offered Bucky your pinky, “promise?”

Not hurting you was a given; Bucky would never dream of causing you pain. But refraining from hurting himself was another story. The need sometimes possessed him, drove him to harm himself when the guilt grew too heavy. The look in your eyes, though, pushed him to promise you. You held such love for him, such adoration. And he knew you meant every word you said. You were going to help him through, to support him, no matter what. 

He linked his pinky with yours, “Promise.”

“Good.” You pressed a quick kiss to his lips before pulling away, “hey, do you have Fury’s address?”

Bucky cocked his head to the side, “Uh, yeah. I think it’s in my notebook in the office. Why?”

In one swift motion, you slithered from Bucky’s arms and slid out of bed. “Oh, no reason,” you sighed as you headed for the door, “I’m just gonna egg his house.”

———————

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It Happened-Chapter 5: Adventure Time

Word Count: 1818

You had spoken to Fury over the phone before leaving, letting him know that you would need to be off duty for a while due to your pregnancy. You had decided against telling him about your leaving the compound. You figured the less people that knew, the better. The hairs on your arms and the back of your neck stood on end, at the thought of one the many enemies the Avengers have faced, finding out about you carrying Captain America’s child. You shook the thought from your head, knowing you would die before you would allow anyone to harm the offspring of you and Steve.

As you headed out of your bedroom, you were slightly disappointed when you saw that Steve wasn’t there to see you off. You steeled yourself in the fact that you and he needed to think things through to make sure the baby would be raised in a safe & healthy environment. You looked around the room one last time, and a good memory swam to the front of your thoughts. Smiling to yourself over the pleasant reminder, you opened the door to leave and almost ran smack into Wanda. Your eyes darted to her hands, that were holding her own luggage. Your smile faltered as you realized that she wanted to come with you. “Wanda, I think you should stay here. The team can’t afford to have us both gone.” Wanda shook her head in disagreement, “Y/N, the next couple of months are going to be a trying time for you. Are you sure you want do it alone?” “Yes, Wanda I’m sure. I just need some time to figure everything out, I won’t be gone long. Plus I’ll check in with you often and keep our mental connection open so that you can pop in on me whenever you want.” Wanda looked at you unconvinced, “Promise?” You held out your pinky to your sister from another mister, as a sign of good faith. You both tightly clenched your pinkies together, swearing to keep in touch until your return. After sharing a tight hug, you turned away and headed for the garage. You dumped your belongings into your Black Audi TTS Coupe, hopping into the driver’s seat you started the engine as a quick reminder ran across your mind. Courtesy of ever nosy Tony Stark, every car in the compounds garage had tracking equipment placed on them, for just in case reasons per Pre-HYDRA, SHIELD protocol. You knew if you left them in, Steve or Bucky would easily be able to find you if they wanted to. You hopped out and made quick work of snatching out every tracker that you knew of in your car. You walked over and placed them on Steve’s motorcycle, you then looked down at your cell phone knowing that the one in your phone couldn’t be removed. You placed it on the bike with the other trackers and hopped back into your car. Revving the engine, you exited the garage and put the compound, your teammates, Bucky, and Steve in your rearview mirror to quickly drift away. * * * Steve, Natasha and Bucky were still seated in your and Steve’s apartment at a stalemate when FRIDAY broke the awkward silence. “Captain Rogers, your wife has exited the compound.” Steve blew out the breath he unknowingly held, “FRIDAY, can you turn on the trackers in her car and cell phone. I at least want to know where she is, in case of an emergency.” Natasha began to shake her head knowingly when FRIDAY uttered a quick response to Steve’s request. “I’m sorry Captain, but she removed the trackers before leaving, they are currently located on your bike along with Mrs. Rogers cell phone.” Bucky began to chuckle lightly, bringing Steve and Natasha’s attention to him. “What is so damn funny?” Steve said to the man, his voice unable to hide his annoyance. “You are Steve,” Buck replied with a smug grin. “…for being the amateur that you are at tracking Y/N. That’s what’s funny.” He stood and puffed out his chest slightly, “F.R.I.D.A.Y. pull up Y/N’s locket tracker.” “Yes, Sergeant Barnes.” The A.I. had a holographic screen presented, showing a blue-colored dot moving at a steady pace along the New York state outskirts. Steve stared at the man in shock, “You had a tracker put on my wife?” Bucky’s metal arm plates began to shift, annoyance clear on his face, “NO, I put a tracker into my girlfriend’s locket before you stole her from me!” The two men glared at each other across the coffee table. Natasha had, had enough of the testosterone volleying through the room. “Okay, we’ve already established that you both are very overprotective of Y/N. Can you two hash out your issues now?” Steve and Bucky looked away from each other, their faces still holding stern looks. Natasha sighed slightly at their stubbornness. “If you two don’t find some middle ground to agree on and move forward, I don’t see this ending well for everyone.” Both men looked at her in annoyance, knowing that she was right. They turned their glares back to one another. Steve huffed out a breath and spoke first. “Why Buck? Why Y/N? You could have any woman in the world, you already have one of the best.” Steve glanced briefly at Natasha, giving her a soft smile. His gaze returned to his best friend, “Why are you trying to steal my wife?” Bucky slid forward and leaned across the table, facing Steve. “I told you before, she was mine and you stole her first.” Steve scrunched his face up in disgust, “Buck, do you hear yourself right now?” As the two men began to quarrel loudly over one another, Natasha stepped in once again. “STOP!”, she yelled. The men’s discussion had ceased, but they continued to stare at one another. “You two are still arguing, instead of trying to understand one another. Let’s not go over what we already know. You two need to come to an agreement on what’s going to happen from here on out.” Natasha walked over to where Steve was sitting. She stood behind him and wrapped her arms around his neck, she moved her mouth near his neck and kissed him gently there, feeling Steve’s body tense up. She looked back up at James, his eyes barely hiding their glare at his wife’s actions. She whispered into Steve’s ear, knowing James’s serum enhanced hearing would hear her message loud and clear. “Didn’t your mothers ever teach you two how to share?”, she winked at her husband. Steve looked up at Natasha with confusion spread across his face. She rolled her eyes at him and walked around to the front of his chair, taking a seat in his lap. “James, you had every intention of including Y/N in our relationship, if she had agreed to it. And we all know Steve clearly still wants to sleep with me.” She watched as his eyes searched the floor as if the answer were located there. Natasha turned her attention back to Steve “Y/N gave you permission to have sex with me.” She ran her fingers through his hair, and looked at him questioningly, “Why can’t we all just share?” Steve opened and closed his mouth a couple of times, at a loss for words. He looked over to his friend and saw that Bucky looked to be giving Natasha’s idea actual thought. As if it was only a passing thought, Bucky’s eyes quickly fell back on to his wife. “And you think that I am just going to allow you to sleep with Steve? So, he can take you from me, too?” Natasha shook her head, “James you are not allowing me to do anything, Y/N is ok with Steve and I sleeping together. You clearly aren’t going to let Y/N go, you have to be able to give and take.” “S…ss...so, we’d all be sleeping together?” Steve questioned Natasha, his cheeks turning slightly pink under her gaze. “We don’t have to make it a group thing if you don’t want to, but we can be with each other whenever we want, sort of like an open relationship, except it’s only open to the 4 of us. Think about it Steve, I know you and Y/N have some things to work out once she comes back, but do you honestly want to not be with her anymore?” Steve shook his head, he didn’t want Y/N to leave in the first place, much less to divorce the present love of his life. Now that he knew they were expecting a child, it only reinforced that for him, he had absolutely no intention of leaving his wife. He still couldn’t explain the sexual desire that pulled him to Natasha, wishing he’d kept his mouth shut instead of rambling about it to Sharon. He’d hoped that telling the woman would keep her from coming on to him while he was at her residence, but it only seemed to slightly stall the blond. Natasha could read from his eyes that he was going to go along with it, she then turned back to her husband. “So, James, are you willing to comply?” He gave a firm nod to his wife, letting her know he would allow her to sleep with Steve. Bucky got up and walked over to where she and Steve sat. He bent slightly and gave her a deep lingering kiss on the lips, as Steve looked on. Rubbing his thumb gently across the apple of her cheek, he then gave a nod of okay to Steve as he stalked out of the room. He thought back to what Natasha had mentioned earlier about “giving and taking”. He would need to give a little in order to get what he really wanted…YOU, he wouldn’t be completely ok until you were back at the compound, safe in his arms. He still loved you, as much as he loved his wife, she understood his desire for you. Natasha had still agreed to marry him, even with the knowledge that one day, it would be the three of you sharing a bed. James hadn’t accounted for Steve to interfere with his plans, but now he knew that getting you to leave Steve would be extremely difficult, if not impossible. Unless you personally made the decision yourself, he would have to accept the terms as they were. He made it to his and Natasha’s bedroom and shut the door. Taking out his phone, he pulled up your tracker, seeing that you had stopped only two hours away. He knew it was probably just a temporary stop. He decided then, not to allow Steve or his wife to be a distraction from keeping watch over you. He would bring you home if it was the last thing that he did.

Tags: @iheartsebastianstan

It Happened-Chapter 4: Huh?

Word Count: 2039

You turned around, eyes glued to the floor, you couldn’t will yourself to look Steve in the face. You tried to walk around him, but he stopped you before you could make it out of his reach.

“Y/N, don’t walk away from me. I’m not going to ask you again…are you pregnant?” His eyes were willing you to look at him.

You sighed, you weren’t in the mood to talk about this right now, you just wanted to shut yourself off from the world. “Yea, Steve, I am.”

His head dropped as he ran a hand down his face, like all the stress of the world had fallen on him. “Please tell me the baby isn’t Bucky’s?” His voice falters for a second, “It’s mines, right?”

Your head snapped up, you couldn’t believe he would think you’d hurt him on that kind of level. What kind of person did he think you were? Probably the type that Sharon said you were. Before you could reply, Bucky spoke up.

“For Christ's sake Steve, after all the crap that ditzy ass dame just spewed out of her mouth, that’s what the fuck you want to talk about?”

Steve turned and stared angrily at Bucky, “I wouldn’t have to ask my wife any of this if you would have kept your fucking paws off her.”

“She shouldn’t have been your wife in the first fucking place.” Bucky roared back.

They started to walk towards each other, both men amped up and ready to strike. Wanda, bless the darling, had enough initiative to use her powers to stop them in place before they reached each other.

Sam held his hands out on either side to both men, “Okay, you four…” he briefly eyed the two couples, “…need to have a sit-down and talk to each other, before someone gets hurt any further or worse. Do you need me to mediate?”

“No, I think we all can agree to be civil, for the baby’s sake at least.” Natasha had spoken out of nowhere, she’d been silent the whole time, save for her comment to Sharon.

Your thought to leave still nagged at you, but you knew this talk had to happen or it was never going to. You also had your own questions that you needed answered. You proceeded to walk towards your bedroom, Steve grabbed your hand as you made your way. You snatched it back, being all lovey-dovey was the furthest thing from your mind at the moment.

You sat on the bed, as Steve made his way to the chair nearest you, you watched as Bucky came and took a seat on the couch. Natasha shut the door behind her and went to sit near Bucky, but he pulled her into his lap.

Your eyebrows shot up and you snorted lightly at the gesture. These men and their possessiveness, you thought to yourself.

No one spoke for what felt like an eternity and you were getting antsy. “So, are we just going to sit here brooding, or are we going to actually talk?” you said to no one in particular.

Steve looked at you, “Is the baby mines Y/N?”

“We didn’t make love until after you knocked her up,” Bucky emphasized, contempt laced his voice.

Steve looked at him with a fire lit in his eyes, then back to you. “So, you had sex with him, even though you knew you were pregnant?”

You could hear the anger in his voice, but you had to take your medicine no matter how bitter. “Yes”, was all you could meekly get out.

Steve huffed and cracked his knuckles, “How can you say love me, and do all of this to me, to our child?”

You shook your head, willing yourself not to cry, “Steve I made a mistake, I’m sorry.”

Bucky sighed, “It wasn’t a mistake Y/N, I know you still love me. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t have let it happen.” Your eyes turned to fire at his words, heat coursing through your veins, you charged up toward him.

“Why do you insist on ruining my life, you left me to be with her.” You pointed to Natasha, “What is it, huh, do you hate me that much that you can’t stand the sight of me being happy with someone else?”

Bucky’s face fell at your comment, “You think I hate you, after all of this, after what I told you that night?” He tried to reach for your hand but you stepped back.

Steve spoke up from where he was, “So, why?” Steve walked over to Bucky, stepping in front of you, his body shielding you from Bucky. “Bucky you’re my God damn best friend, why would you do this to me?”

Bucky huffed as his eyes shifted towards the ground, unable to look Steve in the face. “You think it was easy for me to watch you take my gal and marry her?” Steve looked at you from over his shoulder then back at Bucky. “You didn’t even hesitate, did you? Steve, you sit here acting like I betrayed you, but you betrayed me first. I would never date one of your girls.”

“So, because it’s me and not some guy you don’t know, that’s why you did this. You don’t hate me or her, you just don’t want us together?” Steve spoke, trying to get an understanding of what was going through Bucky’s head.

“That’s not fair, to me or Steve. Bucky, you’re making it like we were still together when Steve and I started dating. You let me go, I was free to date who I wanted.” You shifted to Steve’s side, your hand trembling, you slowly grabbed a hold of his hand to show Bucky. You feared Steve would move away from your touch.

Bucky eyes darted to your hands interlocked with Steve’s, then to Steve’s face and finally to yours, staring into your eyes like he was trying to touch your soul. “Once mine, always mine. I thought after you saw everything that happened between Natalia and me, since our finding each other again, that you’d understand that doll.” Steve’s grip tightened on your hand, it isn’t painful, but it's uncomfortable.

“Then, I overhear that she’s carrying your baby, instead of mines, Steve you had to have known that would fuck with me on the inside.”

You looked weirdly at him, you hadn’t told him until after you two had, had sex. Seeing the confused look on your face, he explained. “I heard your conversation with Dr. Cho when I was near the labs the day you found out. I knew I had to do something then, before you told Steve about the baby or I was never going to get my Y/N back.”

Hesitation showed in his demeanor, while Natasha had, had enough. “Just tell them already James, you sound like a villain laying out their master plan, before killing their enemy.”

Your eyes darted to Natasha and back to him, she was being weirdly calm about the whole situation. It irked your whole entire being. Bucky sighed, “Y/N I had planned to ask you to become my…” he looked at Natasha and then back to you. “Our girlfriend.” He gestured to him and Natasha, “I was trying to give you some time to deal with everything and let your feelings settle down, but before I could get the chance to ask you, Steve and you had started dating. I tried to wait until you two fell apart on your own, but then you,” he pointed at Steve “just had to go and marry her.”

You and Steve stood there wide-eyed and temporarily flabbergasted, though you recovered quicker than Steve. “So, hold up, let me get this straight, you thought you’d just ask me to become a threesome with you and your wife, who you cheated on me with and that I’d say yes and pop out however many babies you wanted and that it would all be fine and hunky-dory???”

Natasha came to Bucky’s side and held his hand, she rallied in his defense. “No, he loves you Y/N, we would all be equal partners, an actual polyamorous relationship, not just sex and mating.”

You couldn’t believe what you were hearing and from her of all people. Steve apparently had heard enough. “Natasha, you can’t be seriously condoning this?” Suddenly you remembered your questions from earlier and snatched your hand back from Steve.

“You’re worried about her condoning this, but you have yet to explain why the fuck you were at Sharon’s all week, and discussing fucking Natasha, with her.” You huffed at the end, suddenly winded from getting all that out. You stepped away and turned to face Steve, staring into his eyes. “Did you sleep with her?”

Steve scoffed, “No, God how could you think I’d do something like that to you?”

You walk up to him slowly, “You disappear for a week, without telling a soul where you’re at, turns out you’re staying at your ex’s…”

“She’s NOT my ex!” Steve yells, throwing his hands up in the air in frustration.

Your eyebrows shot up, “Oh, I’m sorry, I mean your “flunky". You roll your eyes, “Turns out you’re at her home this whole time, sharing deep secrets with her like you’re at summer camp.” You began to pace the floor, “Like the fact that you have a past with your best friend’s wife, that you didn’t feel obligated to share with him or me, and let’s not forget the cherry on top of this fucked up sundae-you still want to fuck her.”

“It wasn’t like that Y/N, I was just blowing off some steam.” Steve stepped back and fell into the couch.

You scoffed, crossing the short distance between you two, you looked him dead in the eyes. “Do you want to fuck Natasha?”

He stared at you silently, you didn’t have to search his eyes long to get the answer, his silence didn’t help either. You turned away shaking your head, with a small laugh. Steve was always easy to read, and it seemed to have gotten impossible for him to lie to you at all since you two had gotten married.

You muttered, “Go ahead.”

“What?” was everyone’s response, you’d forgotten that Bucky and Natasha were even in the room.

You turned to face Steve, so he wouldn’t miss hearing you a second time. “I said go ahead, fuck her. I won’t stop you.” Steve looked at you in shock, Bucky sat with his mouth gaped open like a fish and Natasha’s face held her usual look of indifference. Steve tried to speak, but you held up your hand to stop him, you softened your demeanor.

“It’s ok Steve, really, it’s only fair.” You walked up to him and touched the side of his face gently, “It seems like we both were just trying to replace someone we lost, and that isn’t love, Steve. I think we need some time apart, it would help us figure out if that’s all this is, or if our relationship is more than just that.”

Steve stood up, shaking his head in disagreement, “No Y/N, I just found out your pregnant, you can’t just leave.”

“Steve, I’m pregnant, not handicap. I’m not leaving forever, I just need to clear my head, there’s a lot going on that I’m trying to process.” You squeezed his hand to reassure him.

Natasha chimed in, “Y/N my 2 cents may not be worth much here, but being pregnant and alone doesn’t seem like the greatest idea.”

You looked at her with a smirk on your face, “Thanks Nat, but I’ll manage.” You turned to walk past Bucky to get to your room to collect your things. Bucky reached out and held onto your hand. “Doll, please don’t go.”

You snatched away from him. “STOP!” You saw him step back, sadness shown in his blue eyes. You wriggled & twisted your hands in one another, “You’ve done…” You shook your head, “We’ve done enough already.” You continued to your bedroom and locked the door behind you.

Bucky fell into the seat across from Steve, they both sat still, with looks of defeat across their faces, so Nat cleared her throat to get their attention. “So…what now fellas?”

Tags: @iheartsebastianstan

It Happened-Chapter 3: Oh Shit!?!

Word Count: 4044

You felt the presence of someone in your room even before opening your eyes. You sat up slowly and looked to the end of your bed, at the figure standing at the foot of your bed. You focused your eyes and realized it was Steve staring back at you. He didn’t make a move to come towards you, as you stared back at him, it was as if he was staring into the depths of your soul. Your staring contest continued for what felt like hours, so you tried to break the stalemate by crawling towards Steve. Steve held out his hands to stop you from coming closer, you froze in place and watched as Steve rounded the bed on the left side. He sat on the edge of the bed, with his back facing you.

You wanted to reach out to your husband so badly, but you knew he didn’t want to be touched, correction you knew he didn’t want to be touched by you. It hurt you to see him look at you like you were a stranger, unrecognizable to him. You saw his back raise up as he took in a deep breath, finally he spoke.

“Why? Why did you cheat on me?”

You looked up from your lap, taking your own deep breath as tears began to fall down your face. “I made a mistake Steve; I wasn’t thinking clearly.”

Steve shook his head lightly laughing in between sniffles, “That much is obvious, but it still doesn’t explain why. I want to know why you chose to sleep with my best friend, of all people Y/N, knowing your married to me. Did I do something to make you want to do this? Are you not happy with me anymore?”

You couldn’t take it anymore, you felt awful that Steve even had the insane notion that he was the reason for your adultery. You hopped off the bed, onto the floor, and kneeled in front of Steve. Looking up into his eyes, bloodshot and tear-filled, you had to get him to see that this wasn’t at all his fault. “Steve, listen to me, you make me happy and there was nothing that you did to cause me to cheat.” You grabbed onto his hands and squeezed them, “Steve this is on me, I did wrong on my own accord.”

Steve stood up slowly from the bed and looked down on you, “Then why (Y/N)?” You looked up at Steve, unsure of what to say. How to explain that you didn’t plan to cheat on him, that it just happened. “Steve, I don’t have an explanation for why I did it, it was selfish on my part. I didn’t stop to think about how it would affect our relationship…” “MARRIAGE (Y/N),” Steve shouted to interrupt you, “Our marriage…” Steve sat back down on the bed and rubbed his hand down his face in frustration.  You kept your head down, tears were streaming down your face as you focused on your hands as they lay on your knees, unable to look Steve in the eye. You knew where this conversation was going, you and Steve were going to separate and get a divorce. This was it; the terrible repercussions of your incident were here to roost. Steve reached down and lifted your head with his hand so that he could see into your face. You looked at him, seeing the hurt and distrust in his eyes, you knew what he was trying to do but could see the difficulty he was having in saying it. You steeled yourself to do it, not wanting to drag this out any longer than it had to be. “Steve, I know we’re going to be getting a divorce, but I don’t want it to turn into a long dragged out mess.” You were surprised by the smirk that crossed his face; it wasn’t one of fun. “Who told you we were getting a divorce?” His smirk fell into a snarl, “Is that what you want? Is that why you did this, so I would leave you so you can try to be with Bucky again?” “No, that isn’t why I did it, Steve, I just figured…” you muttered cut off by Steve again. “Do you love me (Y/N)?” He began to walk around you slowly. “Yes Steve, I do love you, despite my actions.” You looked at him as he made his way to your other side. “Are you in love with him?” He asked quieter, as he began to walk back around you. “No, no I am not in love with James.” Your body trembled as you said it as if to show you were unsure of your answer. Steve bent down to your right ear and whispered, “Prove it.” You looked to him not sure of what he meant. He could tell from your eyes that you didn’t understand what he meant. “If you truly love me, and are only in love with me then prove it (Y/N), cause right now I don’t believe you.” Your mind began to race, how can you prove to him, this man that was too good for you, that you loved him and only him. “What can I do to prove it to you, Steve?” He stepped up close behind you, to the point you could feel his chest and stiff cock against your backside. He stripped your clothes off quickly, leaving you standing there naked. “Lay down.”

You climbed into bed and laid back, looking on as Steve stripped out of his clothes. He crawled up your body until his knees were on either side of your head. He grabbed himself and stroked slowly, precum beading on the end of his cock. He looked down at you, your eyes soft and shaded by your lashes. “Suck.” He said, and with that simple word you took him into your mouth. Suckling on his cock as if it were an orange and yellow, Big Stick popsicle. You moved your neck as much as you could from the angle you were in, desperately bobbing you focused your attention on the head. You massaged it, curving the flat of your tongue around the underside, then moved the tip of your tongue, into the opening in his cock that was wet with precum. Steve moaned and continued stroking himself quickly, until you felt him unload, the cum sliding down the back of your throat. He slid himself out of your mouth and looked down at you, the both of you panting and trying to catch a breath.

He shimmied down your body, resting his thighs over your hips. He leaned down and kissed you deeply, a tear rolled down your cheek. You missed this closeness and intimacy with your husband, even though you know you didn’t deserve it. He’d only been gone a week, but it felt like forever to you. Many questions were running through your head regarding his absence, though you decided that now wasn’t the time to discuss that. Equally distracted by your thoughts and his kisses, you hadn’t noticed that Steve had handcuffed your arms above your head, to the headboard. You tried to pull down on both arms, then looked back at Steve. He smirked at seeing the realization on your face and leaned down to your ear, his warm breath making you shiver. “You know you’re mine, right?” “You are my WIFE.” Steve lined his cock up with the entrance to your pussy and slowly pushed in, he began at a steady pace, not brutal but focused. “You cut me down to my core when you told me you had sex with Bucky.” You heard his breath catch and a tear drop touched your cheek, Steve rose above you, allowing you to be able to see the tears slipping from his eyes. “My best friend Y/N…” You began to cry, seeing him in distress and being the cause of that pain was crushing you. Steve wiped the tears from his eyes, then he reached down and wiped your tears away with his thumb. “We made a promise to each other, ‘til death do us part, Y/N. I have no problem fighting for what belongs to me…” Steve reached down and wrapped his right hand around your neck, he didn’t apply any pressure, but you could feel that he had a firm hold on you. “…so, I will not allow you to run, just because we’re having problems. I love you and we are going to fix this.”

Steve had a darkness in his eyes you hadn’t seen before, dominance and control rolling off him, willing you to submit to him. This wasn’t his commander air that you and the team were accustomed to seeing, this even bypassed the usual primal air he displayed in bed on occasion. This was something more…possessive. He began to pump in and out of you, making you feel every inch of him. He tried out different angles until he got the specific sound, he wanted out of you, something between a whimper and a high-pitched hiccup. He continued hitting your sweet spot, quickly bringing your orgasm out of you with a loud cry. Your eyes lids sat low as you watched Steve work for his own release, they fluttered closed as the last image you saw or rather felt, was Steve nipping and suckling your neck. A deep, peaceful sleep over took you, worn out from the emotional stress and physical activities of the night.

You awoke the next morning to a pleasant feeling, a familiar tightness building in your body. You blinked your eyes rapidly and looked down your body to see, Steve feasting on your pussy like it was his last meal. Working his tongue expertly over your clit, you felt your climax coming. You gripped on to his hair, riding out the snap as it washed over your already wrecked body. Steve came up for air after lapping at your last remaining juices, grinning like a kid on Christmas. You panted, sitting up on your elbows to stare at him wide-eyed. “Good morning kitten.” Steve said kissing you passionately. “Um...good morning, Daddy.” You looked at Steve, trying to figure out what was in the air.

Something about him was different you were sure, but couldn’t quite put your finger on it. Suddenly the urge to pee hit you, you made a move to get out of bed, but Steve reached out to stop you. “Where are you going?” You looked back at him in mock shock, “Hubby I need to pee, like yesterday!” You pulled away quickly and ran into the bathroom, sitting there and blissfully thinking that everything might be alright. While you were washing your hands, you looked up at the mirror and screamed in terror. There in your reflection was your body, littered with hickies. Steve casually walked into the bathroom and asked you what was wrong.

“What’s wrong?” you snapped. “Look at me, I look like I have some kind of skin condition.” You began to paw at your body, touching your neck and rubbing down your chest and arms. Steve stood behind you, wrapped his arms around your waist and rested his chin on your shoulder. He smirked at you in the mirror, “No, you look like you belong to someone who loves you very, very much. Now come on we have to get ready for breakfast.” He moved to kiss your neck, and you dipped out of his reach. You turned to him, looking at him with worry in your eyes. “Steve, I can’t go outside our room looking like this, they’re everywhere.” Steve looked at you and tilted his head to the side, “Why would you need to cover them up? We’re married, everyone knows this, so what is there to be ashamed of?” You shook your head, not believing this was coming out of Steve’s mouth. “Or maybe…you don’t want Bucky to see them.” Your head snapped up at that remark, you looked at Steve with tears beginning to brim in your eyes. “Steve that isn’t it.”

He pulled you into a hug, “Kitten I told you we’re going to fix this, this is just the beginning.” “Now come on, we have somethings to get to after breakfast. I’ve picked out your clothes and they’re on the bed when we get out of the shower.” You heard Steve turn on the shower, and he helped you in, but your mind was far away from your current location. You knew Steve was feeling jaded, and that this current act was just his possessive way of claiming you, but you weren’t sure how to fix the situation. You dwelled on the divorce you thought was on the horizon that you hadn’t even thought about what could be done to salvage your marriage. You now had to follow his lead, and hope that there would be a light at the end of the tunnel.

You both stepped out of the shower, toweled off and went to get dressed, you put on the clothes Steve had picked out for you, something you had long since put away when you and Steve had decided to be exclusive. The type of clothes Steve felt were too revealing before, were now your go-to outfit this morning. You looked in the mirror, every mark would be visible except the ones where the sun doesn’t shine. Steve grabbed your hand, pulling you away from the mirror. “You ready kitten?” You looked at him and back towards the mirror, “Ready as I’ll ever be.”

You both walked out, Steve slightly in front of you and made it to the common room floor. When you two stepped out, you heard everyone’s voices go quiet. You weren’t sure if it was shock over seeing Steve back after being MIA for a week or if it was your appearance. “Good morning,” Steve said to everyone, he sat down and pulled you down, into his lap. “Uh hey, Steve, glad to see your back,” Sam spoke up first, his eyes glued on the two of you. You could feel everyone staring at your body, trying to make sense of what exactly they were seeing. “So…um…I see you had a, ah…good vacation?”, Tony fumbled for words, you knew it looked as bad as you thought if it was making Tony Stark stutter. “Yea just needed some time to figure everything out.” That was all Steve gave everyone, he rubbed your back which pulled you out of your thoughts. “Kitten, will you fix my plate for me?” “Sure,” you replied and started piling different foods on to his plate. You then walked over towards the counter to make him a cup of coffee. Wanda approached you and touched your arm, a look of concern on her face. “Y/N, are you ok?”, you looked at her and smiled nervously. “Yea, I’m ok.” You replied with a strained smile. She leaned in closer, her voice just above a whisper, “Then why haven’t you told him about the baby yet?” You looked at her wide-eyed, snapping your mind shut to her. You weren’t upset with her, you and her having some similar mental abilities it was bound to happen on occasion that either of you would see the others thought’s clear as day, even at a distance.

“Well with everything that’s happened, I wasn’t sure if telling him would have been a good or bad thing.” Steve looked back to where the two of you were. You looked back at Wanda as you made your way towards Steve. “We can talk at the table; I won’t block you out.” This made her give you a big smile, as she made her way back to the table. As you approached you hadn’t noticed when Sharon slipped into the room, but there she was sitting in between Natasha and Pepper. Which happened to be directly across from Steve, “oh joy” you thought. As you put the coffee down at the table, you went to sit next to Steve, which would have put you across from Bucky, but your hubby pulled you into his lap again. You noticed Sharon’s lip twitch at the gesture.

Agent 13 was another female you didn’t quite care for, you knew she and Steve had, had a thing a while back before you joined the team, but the way Steve put it, they only kissed once and nothing else materialized from it. You didn’t even see the woman often enough to call her an acquaintance, but whenever she did see you, she always threw dirty looks your way. Today, she was grinning at you across the table. “Why is your ex smiling at me like that?”, you whispered into Steve’s ear. He didn’t even bother to look in Sharon’s direction. “We kissed ONE time, that doesn’t make her my ex, and I don’t know why she’s doing that, just ignore her”, Steve replied calmly. You gritted your teeth, “Well she needs to stop before I slap that stupid grin off her face.” You rolled your eyes at her and proceeded to mentally converse with Wanda, but were interrupted by Tony.

“So, I’ll bite the bullet, because my curiosity is eating me up here, and I’m sure everyone else wants to know…what’s going on with your skin Y/N?” You could see the smirk he was trying, but failing to hide. “They’re passion marks, Tony. Don’t you recognize them, or has it been that long since you’ve been allowed to give one?” That little jab got most of the table laughing except for Carter and Bucky. The latter you didn’t dare look at. Partially from fear of what you’d see in his eyes and the other part of you afraid of what Steve would do if he caught you. “We just got a little carried away last night.” “Whose we? Clint chimed in, “Steve hasn’t got a scratch on him.” “Don’t you think his healing factor is what might be preventing the evidence?” Sam said, you secretly thanked the man. As the two continued to bicker, Tony reached over towards you to try and examine your arm. “I know Steve got carried away, I’ve just never seen so many at one time, and everywhere.” Steve grabbed Tony’s arm before it could reach you. “Knock it off Tony.” He warned the man, his tone not showing an ounce of playfulness. Tony wriggled his arm away from Steve and rubbed where his own bruise was starting to form. “No need to get so possessive Steve, I’m not the one who slept with her.”

The table got quiet at that; all anyone could hear was the air running through the vents. You couldn’t take the looks of judgment or pity that probably surrounded the table, you didn’t dare look up to find out. You looked towards Steve and saw the look of murder in his eyes, as he glared at Bucky. The tick of his jaw letting you know something was about to happen. You hated how much more tense the atmosphere was now, the air so thick you felt you were suffocating. You had to get out of there, for the sake of your own sanity. You got up to leave the table, but Steve caught your arm to keep you from running.

“Let her slutty ass go Steve.” You turned back towards the table; eyes wide as you looked back at Sharon. Was this girl serious, you thought to yourself. Who in the hell did she think she was talking to? “What? You thought I didn’t know about you cheating on poor Steve?”, she continued, “I knew the moment I met you, you were no good for him. Knew you didn’t deserve him…”

Steve tried to interrupt her, “Sharon, stop.”

“No, Steve.” Sharon began to walk around the table towards you. “The bitch needs to hear this, you spent a whole week at my house pouring your heart out to me, don’t protect her.” She finally made her way to standing right in front of you at arm’s reach. You looked from her to him at the revelation, so he’d been at her house all week, ha!  You turned your attention back to Sharon as she continued her rant.

“You had no business dating him after Bucky left you, if you were a decent woman, you’d have known that.” Your blood began to boil in your veins as she went on. “Then I’m not sure what kind of mind control you used, to get him to marry you…” Coils were beginning to snap in your head. “…and you have the nerve to cheat on him? You opened your legs for Bucky just like the whore you are.” Your hair began to rise slowly, “I’m surprised Natasha hasn’t thrashed your ass already for touching her husband.” The table began to tremble, making everyone push away from it. “If it was up to me, I’d kick your ass myself, but I promised Steve I wouldn’t touch you. So how about you do something decent for once in your life and leave him be. He deserves a nice woman, not some ninny whoring herself out to his friends.”

“SHARON THAT IS ENOUGH!” Steve finally found his footing to speak. He tried to touch your arm to calm you, but your other side had a hold of the reins now. Your head whipped around to where his arm had gripped yours, you looked back up at him slowly, your eyes were glowing now. You telepathically shoved Steve away from you and snapped around before anyone could stop you and grabbed Sharon with your mind by the throat and held her body in place above you. Wanda could feel the dark energy rolling off you, she could feel it draining the life out of your body.  She had to stop you before you did something you’d regret. She knew if she tried to reach you mentally it wouldn’t work, she’d have to say it out loud.

“Y/N, STOP! YOU’RE HURTING THE BABY.”

You blinked rapidly, withdrawing from the dark part of your mind. You dropped Sharon to the floor roughly and stood there breathing heavily. Everyone was standing there in shock, either from what had just happened or from Wanda’s big reveal. Steve walked up to you, he touched your face and asked if you were alright. Sharon got up slowly, shaking as she tried to get upright. “You’re asking HER if she’s alright? That bitch tried to kill me.” Steve turned to her, staring daggers at Sharon, he’d apparently had enough of her talking. “Sharon, I need you to leave, NOW!” Sharon had a look of utter betrayal, like she’d just been kicked in the guts. “I let you lay up in my house, I feed and comfort you, and you’re asking me to leave? Ha, well this is rich.” She turned to leave but stopped before she made it to the elevator. “Oh, and here’s a little tidbit for the rest of you since Steve here is feeling so forgiving all of a fucking sudden.” “Steve and Natasha started fucking each other after the Avengers formed. They didn’t stop until Natasha and Bucky got together again. He also said that he’s going to fuck her to get back at Y/N and Bucky, but he wasn’t sure if she’d go along with it and that he really missed pounding into her.”

You looked at Bucky, his eyes snapped back and forth from Natasha and Steve. Natasha finally spoke, “Sharon your just upset that he wouldn’t fuck you. Get over it.” Sharon’s eyes narrowed at the redhead, “Oh, fuck you, Romanoff.” “Sharon you’ve embarrassed yourself enough, just GO!” Steve said to the upset blond. As she stepped into the elevator, she turned around to face the stunned room. “Steve I’ll be at home when you fucking get your senses straight and realize she isn’t right for you.” The elevator closed taking her away, yet you kept staring at the elevator like you expected her to come back for round two. You hadn’t even heard Steve walk up behind you.

“Y/N, your pregnant?”

Tags: @iheartsebastianstan

It Happened

Chapter 2: Before the Storm

Word Count: 4638

The walk to your room was worse than any walk of shame you could have ever imagined, your legs felt like lead with your stomach in knots. You had to hold on to the wall to steady yourself on the way there. When you finally made it to your destination, you closed the door and collapsed to the floor curling into a ball and crying. You hated yourself for cheating, disgracing your vows, and most of all for betraying Steve. You felt the bile rise into your throat and made a dash to the bathroom, not sure if it was pregnancy hormones or your guilt taking over but you were hugging the porcelain hard.

After 10 minutes of vomiting everything your stomach had to give, you stepped into the shower replaying everything that had happened. The thoughts eating away at your resolve brought on a new wave of tears, that then made you turn the water temperature up until it was stinging as it hit your body, vigorously you scrubbed your skin with the soap and washcloth as if that would wash away your sin. After the tears had subsided, you toweled off, brushed your teeth and crawled into bed. Steve’s scent hit your nose as you lay down on a pillow, God was it torture, bringing on another round of tears making you cry yourself to sleep. You spent the rest of that day and night periodically crying and sleeping off the headaches that followed your bouts of tears.

In between the space of being awake and asleep, you felt warm and secure in bed, snuggling backward into the arms you were enveloped in, a familiar voice whispered into your ear.

“Good morning wife”, Steve spoke, you could feel him smiling into your skin.

You turned around and sat up, you looked Steve over and touched his face, your fingertips trembling as they lightly ghosted over his lips. “It’s you Daddy.” You smiled at him teary-eyed, pouncing to grab him in a tight hug. Steve chuckled and kissed the top of your head, “Yea it’s me baby, who else would it be?” Your eyes shot up to his and your smile faltered, of course, because of your husband’s acute senses he didn’t miss a beat. “Sweets, what’s wrong?” his eyes showing you the beginning glimpses of worry. “Nothing my love, I’m just so glad your back, and I missed you.” He gazes into your eyes and cup’s your cheek, “I missed you too baby.”

You lean into to kiss him and he meets you halfway, he quickly takes over the kiss. Your tongues tangle with each other, then Steve lays you down placing passionate kisses up and down your body. You want him so badly, to taste his skin and his essence, to feel him inside, for you souls to connect on that deeper level again as if that can erase your misdeed. You know you must come clean, the longer you wait the worse it will be, but you can’t bear to tell him now. You don’t want to ruin his homecoming and the moment. Your heart settles with your mind that you will tell him soon, and then you give yourself fully to the moment. When Steve makes it back up your body, you turn him over so he lands on his back against the mattress. You kiss him deeply, and move down to his neck, placing sloppy open mouth kisses along the way. You never did bother with leaving passion marks on Steve, his super-soldier healing factor made such minor bruises disappear within minutes. He sat up and squeezed your supple breasts together with his hands, suckling each nipple and making you quiver.

You bring his chin up and kiss him again, as you lean your body into him to get him to lay back in bed. You move down his body quickly and take his cock into your hand before he can try to sit up again. You place innocent teasing kisses on to the tip and shaft. Looking up at him briefly through your lashes, you see the big beautiful grin you fell in love with smack dab on his face. Yes, you love to see that grin, but that isn’t what you're striving for here. You give him a naughty smile, and turn your attention back to his cock. Stroking it slowly as you lick the tip like a scoop of ice cream on a cone. His hips jerk upward at the feel of your warm tongue against him, and you know you’re headed in the right direction. You took him into your mouth, sucking on him as your hand went up and down his shaft. His hands tried to make their way into your hair as he pushed up into your mouth. You took the hint and went further down on his cock making your nose touch the skin at the base of his cock. Steve groaned loudly, sitting up to pull you from his cock. He rolled to his side, got up on his knees and pulled you flush against his bodied. You could feel his stiffness touching your hip, Steve whispered into your ear, “Get on your hands and knees kitten.” You giggled and kissed him before quickly moving down to the edge of the bed, arching your back with your booty propped up in the air like a bitch in heat. God did you love it when Steve took you from behind, you could feel all of him in this position and he loved the way your ass looked bouncing back after every hit from his pelvis.

Steve came up behind you, rubbing his hands up your thighs to your ass and gave both cheeks firm squeezes, he lined his cock up with your entrance and pushed in slowly. You tremble as you feel him enter you, he grips your shoulders and whispers into your ear, “Tell me if it’s too much, okay?” Steve always the caring and concerned lover, always made sure you were alright every step of the way. You nod your head in response. He pulls out slightly and slams back into your cunt. A high pitched mewl escapes your mouth, matching Steve’s groan at the impact. Steve picks up the pace quickly, pounding into your wet cunt. You feel his grip tighten on your waist and shoulder, as he works out the tension he’s held from the mission on your body.

As husband and wife, having sex was always like this after each mission and you didn’t mind when Steve took you this way. It saved Tony from having to buy as many punching bag replacements and you got to see Steve’s true carnal side. No one got to see this side of him, with Steve having to carry the weight of prestige that followed being America’s Golden boy. You felt it your duty as his wife to indulge him when this side came out, it was full of raw, unbridled passion. The position, the emotions released, all of it mattered, it was your way of submitting to your husband and letting him know that you were there to help carry his burdens. You felt your orgasm coming quickly, drawing you out of your thoughts. The wave hit you making you scream his name over and over until you were gasping for air. Steve followed right behind, feeling your cunt gripping his cock, he pushed in further holding you steady as he unloaded into you. You collapsed with him catching himself on his hands above you and rolling over to his side facing you. He pulled you into his arms and kissed you deeply, then pulled back and searched your eyes to make sure you were alright. You smiled and nodded back at him, reassuring him everything was alright.

Steve fell asleep quickly, but you sat awake laying on his chest. Your short mental reprieve gone and the reality of your situation flooding your mind. You knew you would have to tell Steve about your infidelity, but you were scared. As you should be, you knew how Steve operated on the right side of things at all times. Cheating was wrong in a relationship, he’d told you that many times when comforting you after you and Bucky’s break up. Now that you and Steve were married, you knew it was going to hit ten times worse, and with it being his best friend (twenty times worse), who was also your ex (thirty times worse).

"I am so screwed", you thought to yourself.

You’re not sure when you fell asleep, but you wake up the next morning to Steve’s sweet kisses and wet hair nuzzling into your neck.

“Good morning kitten.” Steve said as he gazed into your still sleep-filled eyes. You smiled and rubbed his hair, “Good morning Daddy.” Steve kissed you and pulled the covers back, causing you to sit up slightly and give him a curious look.

“Come on kitten we have to get up, the whole team is having breakfast together this morning to kind of unwind from the mission and we have 10 minutes to get ready.”

You got up from the bed and walked into the bathroom, turning on the shower and hopping in. Steve came in a minute later and began combing his hair in the mirror.

“Kitten did you go to the infirmary while we were gone, you look like you’re feeling a lot better than you did when we left,” Steve said.

You suddenly remembered that you had forgotten to tell Steve about the pregnancy. You decided that now wasn’t a good time, you still needed to tell Steve about you cheating on him. So, you held back the good news for now, because depending on your husband's reaction to the bad news, you weren’t entirely sure the pregnancy would be considered good news.

"Because there’s nothing worse than finding out your ex is pregnant with your child", you thought.

"Yea they said it was a stomach bug…just a little 24-hour thing.” You said nervously over the glass door, thankful that it was frosted glass, so Steve couldn’t see the frown on your face.

“Well I’m glad you’re feeling better, I didn’t even think to ask you last night before I took you,” Steve said shaking his head at his lack of oversight.

You stuck your head out of the glass door, “Steve please don’t send yourself on an undeserved guilt trip. If I wasn’t feeling well, I would have told you.” You smiled at Steve hoping to erase whatever guilt he was trying to build up.

Steve looked up at you and smiled, “Somehow I doubt you would have.”

You smiled mischievously at Steve, “Well, I can understand your doubt because Lord knows I do love it when you take me.” You winked and bit your lower lip, causing Steve’s eyes to narrow in lust. Just as you were about to step out of the shower towards Steve, he crossed the space quickly and shut the shower door.

“Hey!” you squeaked out looking at Steve in shock.

Steve smiled and shook his finger at you, “Oh no kitten, we are not about to be late to breakfast.”

You rolled your eyes and turned your back to Steve, “Fine, spoilsport. I’ll be out in 5.”

“Good girl.” Steve said, “I’ll be waiting in the living room.”

You finished washing up, then went to brush your teeth and wash your face. Looking at yourself in the mirror, your eyes darted away from your face. Unable to look at the adulterer staring back at you. You went into your bedroom and got dressed, then walked into the living room to meet Steve. You two rode the elevator down to the communal floor and walked into the open floor style kitchen hand in hand.

When the doors opened at your destination, you looked around and saw the whole team there, your eyes darted from each face giving them a smile until you laid eyes on Bucky. You saw him stare back at you, you looked away and he turned his attention back to Nat who had her legs draped across his lap.

“Ok, since the love birds are here, we can finally get started,” Tony said grinning at you and Steve.

“Sorry we're late, it was my fault everybody.” You said looking at Steve with a grin, he looked at you with a smirk of his own.

“Oh, don’t try and cover for Steve, Y/N, it def looks like it was a collaborative effort,” Sam said, glancing back and forth between the two of you with a grin.

You turned your face into Steve’s shoulder and giggled, then heard an annoyed grunt come from across the table. You looked over and noticed Bucky staring at you again, you glared back at him, your eyes darting towards Natasha and then to the table. Natasha picked up on the tenseness in your body.

“Y/N, are you alright?”, she said.

You weren’t sure where she was coming from with that comment. You no longer hated Natasha for her part in Bucky breaking your heart, but you two weren’t exactly friends either. She called your name again snapping you out of your thoughts, “Y/N?”

You looked up again at Natasha, “Oh…um, yeah I’m fine, just a little out of it today. Kind of feel like I’m all over the place.” You gave her a fake smile that she read a mile away.

“Well, that can happen to you when you let your husband sex the soul right out of you.” Sam cackled, him and Tony were having too much fun at your and Steve’s expense.

You looked at Steve as he was just about to tell them to stop when everyone heard Bucky yell at the table. “Enough!” Everyone looked at him in shock, “Can we get through one meal without all the sexual innuendos?” You didn’t dare look at Bucky but could see Steve’s face full of appreciation at what he thought was Bucky coming to his rescue yet again.

“Damn, alright Barnes, sheesh!” Sam said rolling his eyes at Bucky’s outburst.

“Oh, ho ho, what’s the matter Barnes, Nat not letting you bury your bone?” Tony replied. Sam and Clint burst out in laughter, Sam because of the challenge and Clint because he knew Nat was going to make Stark pay for his comment later.

“Usually your all for making Steve squirm when it comes to things of a sexual nature.” Sam quipped.

“Why the sudden change in heart?” Tony edged on. Everyone was now looking at Bucky, expecting more out lash.

Bucky smirked and pulled Natasha up into a deep, passionate, tongue filled kiss. You heard the wolf whistles going on around you, save for Steve, but somewhere in the back of your mind, you felt the tiniest feeling of jealousy. Your hand gripped Steve’s tighter, as you watched Bucky and Natasha make out. They finally broke apart their kiss, Bucky turning to Tony with the smirk back on his face.

“That answer your question, Stark,” Bucky replied sitting back down and wrapping his arm around Natasha’s waist.

“No, it didn’t, but thank you for the show,” Tony replied with a grin.

Everyone dissolved into their own conversations, you made up your mind to keep your attention focused on your husband, and to ignore Bucky, which didn’t go over easily. You could feel him staring at your every so often. It was unnerving, like he was toying with you to see how you would react. It was then that you felt you needed to remind him that you had a husband that you loved dearly.

"If you had done that earlier when he made a pass at you, you wouldn’t be in this position now, stupid slut." your mind lashing out at you again.

You willed your conscience to shut up, turning your body slightly towards Steve, and leaned over and whispered into his ear, all the filthy things you wanted him to do to you when you got back to your room, then you started to tease his ear with your tongue. You could see the blush rising on his skin, you then let your hand slide down to his shirt covered chest moving towards his crotch when you heard the sound of metal being crushed. You and Steve looked up to see Bucky’s metal arm gripping a part of the table causing a major indentation.

“Buck, are you okay?” Steve asked him, his voice full of concern.

Bucky blinked and looked down at the table, looking back up at Steve and replying, “Yeah I’m alright, just need to talk to you later about something.” His eyes darted towards you, seeing your eyes grow big like a deer caught in headlights.

This was it, he was going to tell Steve and ruin everything, Steve would divorce you, Natasha would be upset with Bucky. She wouldn’t leave him though, because he was the “love of her life”. Then you would be all alone, everyone would hate you for betraying Steve.

No fuck that, if I’m going out, I’m going out with a least some shred of decency.” Your mind had decided.

You whispered into Steve’s ear, “When you’re done, can we go back to our room, there’s something I need to talk to you about.” Steve looked at you with slight worry, you smiled at him hoping to quell his worries until you could drop the horrible news that would destroy the life you two were trying to build.

“Aren’t you going to eat anything kitten?” Steve asked, noticing you hadn’t put anything on your plate.

“I’m not really hungry at the moment.” You replied staring at your plate in front of you. Steve put down his utensils and grabbed your hand in his, which made you look up.

“Come on, if it’s bothering you enough not to eat, then it can’t wait!” You silently cursed your love of food, it tipped Steve off when you refused to eat.

You glanced back one last time at the table as you and Steve walked back to the room, you caught Bucky staring intently at your retreating form, knowing that he saw the single tear falling down your cheek.

As Steve shut the door, you fidgeted by the door, staring down at your feet. Steve looked at you worriedly, he’d never seen you in such a mess.

“Kitten, we’re alone now. Tell me what’s wrong?”

You sniffled, finding it difficult to let the words escape from your lips.

“Y/N, talk to me, sweets.” He shook his head, “I can’t help the situation if you don’t let me know what it is?” Steve walked over to you and pulled you closer towards the couch he’d been sitting on.

Well it’s now or never, you made your bed (Y/L/N), now it’s time to lay in it…

You looked up at Steve, memorizing his face as if it would be the last time you would ever see it again. You huffed out a breath, “Steve…I..I..slept with Bucky while you and the team were away on the mission.” You kept your gaze down at your shoes afraid to look at your husband.

“(Y/N), what did you just say?” Steve looked at you, his hand deathly still as they held your own.

You struggled to repeat what you just revealed to him. You looked up at him this time, “I had sex with Bucky while you were gone Steve, I’m so sorry, I made a mistake.” Before you could tighten your grip on his hands he stood up and walked to the end of the couch. You looked silently at him, catching his gaze at you just as he threw the end table and lamp at the nearest wall, them smashing completely into pieces. You jumped out of your seat shocked at his behavior, Steve never acted this way when he got bad news, but you willed yourself to remember the severity of the situation. This wasn’t just regular bad news, this was life-altering news.

“(Y/N) why?” The calmness in his voice, giving you a creepy feeling.

You didn’t have a reason why, you know you’re in love with Steve, but there was a part of you that still loved Bucky. You just weren’t sure why that part made you sleep with him. You remained quiet while trembling in shock, you’d never seen Steve like this, his chest heaving, anger and hurt rolling off him. You were snapped out of your thoughts when you heard banging at the door.

“Steve?” Sam called out.

“Y/N?” Bucky called out.

“Are you guys alright in there?” you heard Tony’s muffled voice from behind the door, one of them twisting at the doorknob.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y., block access into our room,” Steve said to the A.I. system, he stepped closer to you, as fear locked you where you stood.

“Y/N, I’m only going to ask you one more time…why?”

“Steve, I made a mistake…”

“I didn’t ask for your sorry ass apology, Y/N, I asked you…” Steve faltered back and shook his head, “Never mind, forget I asked.” He made his way towards the door, and you ran in front of it to stop him, placing your hand on his chest.

“Steve please wait, we need to talk about this, baby please don’t leave.”

Steve pushed your hands away from his body, “Don’t touch me.” He stepped forward again expecting you to step aside. "Y/N move." He stood there waiting for you to move, turning in a circle and trying to calm himself down, he raised his balled fists to his eyes, as if he was in pain.

“Y/N, MOVE!” Steve yelled. You shook your head no, knowing if you moved you wouldn’t know if or when you would see Steve again.

“Steve, please…” you begged as Steve shoved you aside, he swung the door open, not bothering to look at the startled faces near the doorway as he made his way to the elevator.

You stayed on the floor crying into your hands, shocked but not surprised at his reaction. You heard footsteps approach you, a set right near you and two sets away, probably surveying the room. Someone crouched down beside you and whispered in your ear, “Doll did he hurt you?”

You pulled back and started to laugh wildly. “Did he hurt me? You have the fucking nerve to ask me did he hurt me?” You shook your head and looked up at the ceiling, “God, I wish he had because I fucking deserve it.”

Tony and Sam looked at you in incredulity, not sure what to make of what you just said and the slight destruction of the room. By now Wanda, Pietro, Natasha and Vision had made it into the room.

“No one is allowed to hurt you, Y/N, no matter the reason,” Bucky said through gritted teeth. You scoffed and shook his arm from around your shoulders.

“Yea, you say that but it’s always you that ends up hurting me.” You stood up from beside Bucky, you had, had enough. Turning to glance at Natasha and then back down at Bucky, you decided if your ship was going down, so would there’s.

“You cheated on me with Natasha, left me for her, married her. You moved on with your life, and I didn’t interfere once. And when I finally find someone who loves me, the way I’m supposed to be loved, you have the audacity to come back and fuck it up for me again.” Your whole body was shaking, fists balled up at your sides, you felt like you were going to explode.

“Y/N I didn’t make you have sex with me.” Bucky glared at you, glancing out of his peripheral at Natasha.

You shoved your finger into his chest, not afraid of the outcome at this point. “Your right, you didn’t, but you damn sure knew what you were doing when you slow danced with me, kissed me, and made out with me while I remind you, walking me backwards towards my old bedroom. You initiated and I dumbly followed like a pig going to slaughter.”

You rubbed your hand down your face and looked back at Bucky.

“You should be glad though, you got exactly what you wanted...Steve leaving me, so now you don’t have to worry about me being with your best friend anymore.”

You looked around the room, at everyone, different looks of shock and disbelief across their faces, only one with anger.

Natasha

You walked over to her and looked into her eyes, you felt the need to be petty, rise up in you but you wanted to be the bigger woman and felt you had caused enough commotion for one day. You walked out and caught the elevator to your floor. Walking to your old room, and laid in bed for the rest of the day. Day turned into night as you shut yourself off from the rest of the team, no one came by the room, knowing there wasn’t anything that could be said to help rectify the situation. When you woke up from one of your dozing spells, you looked over to see that it was 3 am and looked over knowing Steve wasn’t there. You asked F.R.I.D.A.Y., if there had been any missions the team had been called out on, but none had been mentioned. You wondered where he was, was he just blowing off steam, or doing something worse. You then thought to ask the AI if Steve was in the building, again getting a reply of no.

Three more days passed as you started to get worried, you still hadn’t left your room. Not that the others hadn’t tried to get you to at least come out and get something to eat or drink. Even Bucky tried to get you to come out of your room, F.R.I.D.A.Y. stopping him from getting in as you instructed. You then heard when Natasha, slapped him upside the head and dragged him away from the door. You mentally said a “thank God” for the redhead, for the first time in a long while. You left dozens of messages and tried calling on day 5, but found Steve’s phone was off, sending you straight to voicemail.

After day 7 you sent a message to Tony, asking if he’d heard from Steve, hearing a no from him got you even more worried. “You don’t think he’s in trouble, do you? What if he’s hurt? Or Hydra has gotten a hold of him?” you asked Tony frantically over the phone.

Tony sighed into the phone, "Y/N I’m sure he’s fine, I can’t track him because he’s turned everything off, cell phone, comlink, trackers. He probably just needs a little time to collect himself. I’m sure he’ll be back as soon as he’s ready. Don’t worry yourself hon, ok? Now, will you please come out of your room and eat something? I’m pretty sure when he makes it back, he won’t want you to be skin and bones.”

You spoke with Tony a few more minutes, agreeing to come out of your room and eat something. When you came out of the elevator, you weren’t expecting everyone, minus Bucky and Natasha to be there. Tony had pulled one over on you, making you believe everyone was otherwise occupied. You tried to head back to the elevator but Wanda caught you before you could and steered you towards the table. You sat, too ashamed to look at anyone, you weren’t exactly in the mood to sit for the judge and jury.

Tony broke the ice saying that you were still their teammate and that you and Steve’s personal business would remain personal and wouldn’t be up for discussion. You gave him a small grateful smile and ate, you declined the invitation to watch movies and retreated to your room.

It Happened-Why now?

Chapter 1

Word Count: 4263

You opened your bleary eyes, blinking back to try and adjust them to the amount of sunlight coming in through the blinds. The twinge of a slight headache was coming just behind your eyes. After rubbing the last of sleep away from your eyes, you look around to get a bearing on your location. You know this isn’t your room, the room you and your husband share together. You smile as the thought of your 6’2, blond hair, Greek god bodied, 100-watt smile having, deepest ocean blue-eyed husband came to mind. You turned in bed to see the body next to you, “WTF???” you think to yourself, the body next to you isn’t your husband’s.

This body that ran 6’0, bodybuilder chested, with the recognizable metal limb lazily draped over your torso. The body turned in its still sleeping nature, adjusting its position, finally giving you the other half of your betrayal…your hands clasped to your mouth as you starred into the face of the other love of your life…James Buchanan Barnes. You jump back in bed and almost tumble to the floor, while trying to quiet the sobs that wrecked through your chest, as the salt stream that ran down your face the night before returned with a vengeance.

Months back when Steve arrived at the tower with James in tow, your fellow Avengers (minus Natasha who’d been on a mission for just over a week at the time) had been for the most part welcoming aside from Tony keeping his distance to an already distant man, who didn’t speak unless he deemed it necessary. But when Steve had asked for your help with erasing what Hydra did to him mentally, you ran at the chance. I mean it was obvious to you and maybe one other person that you were smitten by him at first glance.

So, you did everything in your literal power to help remove the triggers HYDRA put in place to activate James into the Winter Soldier. The more time you spent together, the more he would open up to you and Steve, and then eventually the others. The closer you, and he got he’d asked you to call him Bucky, his arm would linger a little longer after hugs, until the day you finally stopped wimping out and initiated you’re the first kiss with him. It was absolute magic, on your part, you’d been afraid that he might not be on the same level of liking you as you were to him.

Of course, all those thoughts had disappeared as Bucky whispered into your ear after your kiss, “I’ve always thought about what my name would sound like falling from your lips in, as I bury my cock inside the softest place on earth.”

When he pulled back to look into your eyes, you grabbed his hand and ran to your room. Slamming the door shut, you both attacked each other with such fervor, that was the first time you and Bucky had sex, but it wasn’t the last. There were broom closets, bathrooms, and numerous places that had seen themselves marked by you and his sexcapades. But for every one of those, there were even more stolen kisses, cuddles and I love you’s to boot. It seemed weird that this was happening so fast, you two had only known each other for 3 months and dating for 2, when it all became too good to be true. One name ruined and crumpled your whole world in just a few days.

Natasha

You, Bucky and the team were all eating breakfast in the common room when Natasha walked in from the mission she’d been on since before Bucky’s arrival. Everyone had been enthusiastic in greeting her, except your Bucky, he’d stood up and looked up at her as if he’d seen a ghost.

“Natalia?” he said in a clear Russian accent you’d only heard when he moaned Russian curse words during your lovemaking.

“Jacob?” Natasha replied with her own Russian accent, and eyes just as wide as Bucky’s were.

Everyone around the table just stared at the two in confusion, until he walked up to Natasha and pulled her body flush to his in a passionate kiss. Talk about a gut punch, you dropped the bowl you were eating out of, it hit the ground in a loud splintering fashion, the sound broke their kiss and brought everyone’s attention to you, you looked around at your teammates in embarrassment. Their looks of shock and pity were too much, you didn’t think you’d run out of a place so fast in your life.

You didn’t come out of your room for the rest of the day, even when either Bucky or Steve knocked on your door intermittently. The next morning as you opened your door you found Bucky sitting there looking up at you ashamed at what he’d done. He’d begged you to let him come in so he could explain to you why he did what he did, telling you the story of how he and Natasha met and fell in love, and when she was taken away from him, as she was arranged to marry Alexi Shostakov, a high ranking official in the KGB and that he was removed as her trainer at the Red Room. When he finished his tale he apologized to you and made passionate love to you. If only you had known that, that would be the last time you all would make truly be together.

Bucky began to withdraw from you, making excuses about being tired or needing to train. Whenever you did get a chance to catch up to him he was always with Natasha. She made no secret of her intentions, as you always found her touching him in some shape or form. You finally assumed that if he didn’t say he was breaking up with you, you two were still officially together.

So, you let him be, gave him the space he showed from his actions that he needed. You even kept the faith when he had started telling you that he would sleep in his own room instead of yours. Oh, but the final nail in the coffin came when you woke one night and couldn’t go back to sleep, so you changed into your work out gear and headed to the gym, only to find upon walking in, Bucky pinning Natasha to the wall, with her legs on his arms, pulverizing her cunt. You quietly backed out and returned to your room and cried yourself to sleep.

When Bucky came to your room that morning you were shocked and angry, he’d told you he knew that you had walked in on him and Natasha making love. That’s exactly what the fuck he called it, “making love.” If you could have ripped his tongue from his mouth at that very moment, you would have. He told you that she was his first love, and that they were getting married and that it wasn’t his intention to hurt you. You began to hyperventilate, and all you could remember was your world turning black as you passed out. You woke up alone in the dark, with pure pain in your heart.

Eventually, the rest of the team found out about the break-up, everyone mostly kept their 2 cents to themselves, not wanting to take sides. You remained in your room for a month held up in seclusion, not even coming out to eat as you lived off your stash of snacks and Gatorade. Conveniently you had missed their wedding during your self-enforced solitude.

Finally, Steve had had enough, he had Tony to disable the encryption lock on your room and came in and found you in your disheveled state. He told you how beautiful you were inside and out, and that you didn’t deserve to have what happened, happen to you, and that you shouldn’t let it stop you from living your life. He made you go take a shower and put on clean clothes, then took you out for a ride on his motorcycle. For the first time in a while you didn’t feel weighed down, you felt like you could breathe normally without any tightness in your chest.

Steve came like your knight in shining armor, whisking you away from the tower whenever possible. Trying to help you to get your mind off the pain and hurt you were feeling. It made getting over Bucky that much easier. Soon you were comfortable enough to be around your friends again, without sparing Bucky or Natasha a second glance. Steve felt he was ready to talk to Bucky about you. He’d asked his best friend if it was ok to ask you out on a date. Seeing you getting back to normal gave Steve the courage to finally ask you if you were willing to try love again, with him this time. You admitted to him you were scared and nervous, but you told him that you had been developing feelings for him and you were willing to try being in a relationship with him. He later told you that Bucky had given his blessing, but he wouldn’t tell you about the tick in Bucky’s jaw that he thought he might have imagined.

You and Steve continued to grow closer and closer, so much so that Tony and Sam would crack jokes about you two being joined at the hip, it made you both blush and everyone laugh. You two beamed at each other with his arms wrapped around your waist and your back held snuggly against his chest. You two were in LOVE and everyone knew it. Even though you made it your duty not to look into Bucky's direction at all, it allowed you to miss the unsavory look that crossed his face whenever someone mentioned you and Steve as a couple. Not to mention the rolled eyes and glares he’d shoot in your and Steve’s direction whenever you two were in plain sight.

It had been 6 months since your mental recess after your break up with Bucky and 3 months since you and Steve had started dating when you had finally been cleared to go on missions.  On your first mission back, you were obviously excited to go even though you had to be partnered with Bucky, you bounced around in your seat like a child headed to Disney World. With this mission being a HYDRA base you were his mental shield away from any trigger words that would be hauled at him, even having to be stuck with him couldn’t put a damper on your spirits. Steve even pulled you to the side before you all exited the Quinjet to tell you to get your nerves in check, and you reassured him that you were fine, giving him a quick peck on the lips and turned to walk off the jet. You hadn’t noticed the worried glance he and Bucky shared as they exited behind the rest of the team.

You’d gotten overzealous once you all were in the field, and while shielding Bucky, you hadn’t seen the HYDRA grunt that was waiting in the rafter above you two. You were shot three times once in the neck and twice in the torso, Steve was there when you woke up and told you what happened, how you’d been in a coma for over a week and had coded twice through your infirmary stay. He told you how much he loved you and how scared he was that he was going to lose you, you could see the worry in his eyes. Everyone came by after you had come out of your coma, even Bucky came by apologizing for not doing more to protect you, but you had assured him that it wasn’t his fault. You two seemed to be in an okay place now.

The day they discharged you, Steve helped you back to your room and surprised you with a proposal, telling you he didn’t want either one of you leaving this earth without being able to call each other husband and wife. You’d happily said yes, and the two of you were married two days later at Cupid’s chapel in the Lower East Side. All your teammates were there, with Bucky as the Best Man and Pepper as your maid of honor. It was the happiest moment of your lives, and yet not everyone shared your sentiment as you would soon find out.

Some 2 months later, you and Steve were still basking in your newlywed bliss, when the team was being sent on another HYDRA mission, you and Bucky were automatically excluded because of you still recovering and his vulnerability to the Winter Soldier’s trigger words. For once you were happy that you didn’t have to go on the mission, as you had been feeling weird and fatigued. You helped Steve pack his bag and you both snuggled extra tight into each other the night before the team left. The next morning you walked Steve to the ship bay and kissed him deeply telling him to come back to you safely. "I will, I love you, baby," he said as he hugged and kissed you once more. You watched him walk up the ramp into the ship, "Steve..." you called out to him. He turned around to face you. "I love you, Daddy," you waved at him. As if you thought his smile couldn't get any bigger, it did.

The first two days you chose to stay in your room secluded, but on that third day, you couldn’t take it anymore. So, you ventured out to the common area to watch tv, you hadn’t expected to run into Bucky, who was laying on one of the couches. You turned to walk back to your room, but Bucky called out to you. Asking you to stay, this was the first time you two had been alone since your stay at the infirmary. You’d asked if he ate yet to break the awkward silence, and decided to order food for the two of you when the food arrived you both ate in silence, this time Bucky spoke up first. He’d told you how sorry he was that you had been hurt in the field and that he was happy that you and Steve found each other with a smile that didn’t quite meet his eyes. You’d told him thank you, and that although he’d shown you what heartache was, it had made you realize what true love really was with Steve. You’d thought for a second that you’d seen hurt in his eyes after your comment, but you’d shrugged it off as your mind playing tricks on you. James apologized for hurting you, and you’d told him it was water under the bridge.

He grabbed your hand and asked you to dance with him since you didn’t have a wedding reception to dance at. You hesitated for a second but, decided to oblige him. When he asked JARVIS to play, You Belong to Me by Jo Stafford, you’d began to pull away but he’d held you in place, asking you to humor him. As the song went on he pulled you closer or was it that you came closer willingly. As the song ended you went to pull back but he had his arms around your waist, you looked up at him and there was a look in his eyes, you couldn’t describe but then he kissed you. Kissing then led to fondling, Bucky carried you to your old bedroom, tossing you on the bed. He quickly removed your shirt and ripped off your bra, planting kisses on your jaw and neck, working his way to your breasts. He released your nipples to quickly do away with his own clothes, standing there looking like an ancient coliseum fighter.

You knew it was wrong, but you didn’t stop it, you indulged in it. Every tender kiss, the gentle tug of your skin, he made you lay back, sliding your shorts off just as swiftly as he did your bra. He kissed your legs, starting from the ankle on down, from their position in the air, taking one leg in each hand and spreading them out from a “V” formation until they were spread as far as they could go. He dived in feverishly, lapping at your entrance, sliding the tip of his tug up to your clit and giving the expert tongue flicks he know you loved, knowing it would get you to a quick release. Within minutes you were coming undone, moaning loudly and biting the back of your wrist to keep from saying anything else. You looked down at him, watching him pant as he wiped off his mouth with his hand and licked the remnants of your juices off his palm. He climbed up your body slowly, kissing you deeply, as though he were trying to reach the back of your mouth.

He pulled back for air, “Baby I’m so sorry, I never meant to hurt you. I still love you.” You huffed, trying to steady your breath before the tears spilled over the brim of your eyes. “I love you too, I really wish I didn’t, but I do.” He looked down to where he still had you spread eagle, rubbing his throbbing cock in his flesh hand, he put it into your welcoming entrance and pushed in ever so slightly only allowing the tip in. Your breath hitched at the feeling. He looked back up at your face, “Then why did you sleep with my best friend…” he slammed into your pussy, filling you to the hilt and then slowly retreating, stopping just at the tip. Your breath hitched at the unexpected force of entry.

“Huh Y/N, why did you half to go and marry Steve?”, he slammed into your slippery pussy again, repeating his retreat again only to slam into you again.

“You could have chosen anybody else in the world? Why Stevie?” he groaned feeling the effects of his own actions against your soaking sex.

You didn’t answer him, closing your eyes and putting your middle finger on your clit, focusing on reaching your orgasm. He slapped your hand away and continued rubbing your clit while ramming his cock inside of you.

“You were mine, doll. Not his, you had no right giving him my pussy, much less taking that man’s last name.”

“You were supposed to have my last name," he said moaning and picking the pace as he pistoned in and out of you.

You glared up at him, finally deciding to reply to his ludicrous remarks with a weird calm “Well you chose your Mrs. Barnes, what does it matter that I am Mrs. Rogers?” smirking up at him. He gave you an ice-cold stare and reached the distance up your body, quickly wrapping his metal hand around your throat and slightly tightened his grip. Your eyes got wide,

Was he really doing this now? Is this how my husband is going to find me, my dead naked body strangled by his best friend?, you mentally asked yourself.

Bucky maintained his hold on you, leaning over and whispering in your ear,

“You’re right doll, it doesn’t matter if you are legally tied to him, or that I am legally tied to Natalia, it will always be my cock and lip service you think about when he is sexing you, and it will always be your sweet pussy and beautiful mouth that I dream about when I am fucking her.”

Maybe it was the possessive nature of his words that did it, but you came like never before, your pussy fluttering around his cock, brought on his own orgasm, making his cum fly into you in droves as you felt his cock twitch inside you.

He collapsed on top of you, the only sounds filling the room were the pants from both your bodies trying to get more oxygen. He rolled to your left side and pulled your limp body into his right side, kissing you on top of the head. With your head on his chest, you looked up into his eyes, and found him staring back into yours.

“You will always be mine, and I will always be yours doll.”

He gave you another deep passionate kiss, and then grabbed your leg and placed it on top of his thighs. Sleep captured you both shortly thereafter.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, here you were the morning after, looking out the window and regretting how you’ve hurt your husband and his wife. Contemplating how you were going to explain your stolen moment.  

You didn’t hear Bucky get up from the bed or approach you until he startled you out of your thoughts by wrapping his arms around your waist. “It’s morning”, you said not looking back at him. “I know doll, the sun kind of confirmed that already, he turned you to face him. The chuckle at his own joke dying off as he saw the tears and worry in your face.

“Doll what’s wrong?  He searched your eyes with fear in his own.

“Bucky we just made love to each other, but we both belong to someone else, and you’re asking me what’s wrong?”

You laughed hysterically, turning your back to Bucky, “That’s what’s wrong with me…I am pregnant and violated my marriage just so you could belong to me for just one night…what type of mother am I going to be?”

Bucky crossed the short distance between you two and spun you around to face him.

“You’re pregnant (Y/N)? His eyes wide and searching yours.

“Yea I checked the health app on my phone yesterday, not realizing my cycle was late and took a home pregnancy test.” You smiled and wiped away some of your tears, “Your best friend is going to be a father, Bucky.”

“Y/N you gotta be shitting me?” Anger crossed his face.

“I made love to you for as long as we were together, I always gave you my seed and you never got pregnant. And now you’re standing here telling me my Best friend, who stole my girl, has knocked her up?”

He shook his head, a frown crossing his face,

“No doll, you have to get rid of it.”

You scoffed, “Bucky you left me remember?" "You didn’t even have the decency to break up with me before you fucked Natasha. You made love to her while we were still together.” Tears had begun to flow down your face with anger and hurt coursing through your veins. “You cheated on ME!!!”, you yelled at him. “You made her your wife, not me…I was not good enough for that position in your eyes, but Steve saw that I was, so please tell me again why I can’t give my husband the child he deserves?”

Bucky dropped to his knees in front of you, wrapping his arms around your legs, “I told you last night doll, you belong to me and I to you.”

He looked up to your face, tears dropping from his eyes, with honest to God hurt in them. “That should be my seed growing inside of you, mine Y/N.” He pulled back to look at your belly, “Not Steve’s.”

Tears began to fall from your eyes as you looked down at Bucky.

“We can still do this Y/N, after you have Steve’s baby, you can have mine”, you looked at him incredulously as he continued rambling, “It’s only right Y/N, you were mine first, you are still mine, even Steve knows it deep down inside.” “You don’t have to leave him, he will think the baby is his even though it is mine.”

You tried to pull away from Bucky, he was talking crazy. “Bucky stop, you’re being irrational, I have a husband.” You shook your head furiously, “I can’t be in your life, you gotta go home to your wife.”

He raised up off his knees, and pulled you in close, glaring at you as he spoke through gritted teeth,

“If you won’t have my child, I’ll tell Steve all about our night, sharing each other’s love.”

You looked up at Bucky shocked, your voice barely above a whisper,

“You wouldn’t? You would lose Natasha as well.”

Bucky smiled in a criminally insane fashion, “If I have to be miserable why shouldn’t, everyone else?”

You searched his eyes for resolve but couldn’t find any. You pulled away this time quickly before his grip could tighten to keep you in place.

“You’re still intent on hurting me, just like you did when you cheated on me with Natasha.”

Bucky tried to stop your rant, “Y/N I told you I…”, but you raised your hand up to cut him off,

“My love why can’t you see, how loving you is killing me…” tears dropped from your eyes again. “Bucky, baby I can’t take it anymore.”

You walked towards the door to exit, he tried to pursue, but you held up your hand again halting him.

“If you ever really cared about me, if you really love me like you say you do, then let me keep my happiness.” You walked over to him, kissing him passionately, but brief, you wiped the last remaining tears from your eyes and said,

“If you meant what you said last night, then always remember the lovely night we had and know that I am always yours, and you are always mine. You backed away leaving him there and walked out of the room.

It Happened

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: Love is such a messed up thing sometimes...

A tale where Bucky and you were together but he left you for an old flame, you found love again eventually. You've moved on, but apparently, he isn't pleased with who it's with and what major moves you and your love are making. Also, he's bold enough to tell you about his displeasure...like you give a crap!!!

Warnings: Cheating, Heartbreak, Pregnancy, Betrayal, Marriage, Angst & Fluff & Smut, Daddy kink, Discussion of Abortion, Song Lyrics-Can you guess the song?, Possessive Bucky Barnes x reader, Possessive Steve Rogers x reader, Bucky Barnes x Natasha, Steve x Natasha, Wanda x Vision, Sam Wilson, Bruce Banner, Pepper Potts x Tony Stark, Sharon Carter, Clint

A/N: I’ll add more tags as I see fit, I’m trying to not give the story away too much.

Chapter 1: Why now?

Chapter 2: Before the Storm

Chapter 3: Oh Shit!?!

Chapter 4: Huh?

Chapter 5: Adventure Time

MASTERLIST

Hardin Scott

If the world was ending

Truth or dare

Tessa Young

Happier

Joseph Morgan

Being married to joseph morgan

having a crush on joseph morgan

Sebastian Stan

Instagram au

Incorrect Quotes

Chloé being pregnant with bucky's child

incorrect quote

Bucky Barnes

best grade

Draco Malfoy

truth or dare

you want me to blame you (au)

King and Queen of Crazy

boyfriend

Jensen Ackles

Social Media Au

Dangerous Angel part 2 part 3

Vinnie Hacker

Instagram AU

No longer writing for

STRAY KIDS

FIC RECS

About me

I'm legal

18+

Haven't been posting much because I'm finishing high school

Final exams

5 more papers to write

Tik Tok / the simpsons inspired incorrect quote

Y/n : are you kidding me only babies and ex - junkies are afraid of needles. Stick me chuckles

(bruce injects y/n)

(starts crying)

Y/n : can I have my bucky now

Bucky : I'm right here doll

I need to be able to have more tags lol

Teaser

This is a small snippet of my new bucky smut

Working with bucky's has always been a dream of yours when you started the porn industry. He left women mind blown orgasms. And the dominance he gives off leaves me soaking wet and flooding my panties. Just the thought of him sends shivers up my spine and leaves my pussy throbbing.

Today is the day I film with Bucky in like 2 hours so before that I maybe should get some knowledge of the way he is.

So I went I and search his name on the porn website and clicked the first video with the title Winter Soldier Fucks The Black Widow in a office . Didn't that tickle my fancy

It's coming. I'm writing it now because I had exams

Best Grade

In which the reader has a daughter. And bucky is a teacher.

Pairing: Teacher!Bucky Barnes x model milf!reader, Steve x Natasha

Characters

Bucky Barnes

Reader

Steve Rogers

Natasha Romanoff

OFC-Grace

James Rogers

Warnings:unprotected sex,bucky(that's a warning),reader being sexy af, swearing, creampie parent-teacher relationship

Brackets are thoughts

Bucky's POV

(I got to stop thinking about y/n. Her luscious hair. Her ass, boobs, legs and cleavage. She is a mom of one of my students so stop.)

Bucky - good morning class

Class-morning Mr. Barnes

Bucky - today we are going to have career day and I asked a few of your parents to come. And they said yes. So parents come in.

*the parents enter. Y/N, Natasha, Steve and a few others. *

Romanogers outfit

Y/n's outfit

(dear God is she trying to kill me or what.)

Bucky-Steve you go first.

Steve-I'm Steven Grant Rogers. I am a artist. My wife is Natasha. Son is James.

Natasha-I'm Natasha Romanoff Rogers. James's mother. Wife of Steve. I'm a ballerina.

*other parents go till it is your turn. *

Y/n-I'm y/n l/n. Grace is my daughter. I'm a model who is a single mother.

Random kid - do you have any behind the scenes of your photoshoots

Y/n-I do if it is okay with Mr. Barnes

Bucky-it's okay

Y/n-one of my most recent shoots. Lingerie

(OK. Now I'm convinced she is trying to kill me.)

Y/n-my most famous shoot

Random dad - I can see why.

Random kid 2- miss. Do you always take photos.

Y/n - yes. I am also a runway model. Here is an example

Class+parents - wow

Bucky - ok class. Break time.

Class- OK

Bucky-Ms. L/N may I see you after class

Y/n-sure

*time skip when everyone is out of the classroom *

Y/n-you wanted to see me. *while pulling her zip down*

Bucky-*gulps* oh you have no idea how much I want to fuck you.

+your hand moves to his belt+

Y/n-then do it

+he starts kissing you +

Bucky-you've been a bad girl. Teasing me in front of my students with your short dress and modeling. What should I do to you.

Y/n-fuck me

Bucky - that's what you want.

*he rips of your thong and stuffs it in his pocket.and pushes down his pants. And his hand goes to your pussy*

Bucky-so wet already. I barely even touched you. You want my cock baby girl. You want me to fuck your tight little cunt. Stuff it full of my cock and fill it up with my cum

Y/n-yes sir

Bucky-well all you had to do is ask. But be quiet.

*he immediately thrust his cock in and sets a fast pace. Balls hitting your pelvic bone as you tried to stay quiet. But doesn't achieve fully and he covers your mouth with his hand. He can feel you are close to release and puts his thumb on your clit and makes figure eights.*

Bucky - you close baby girl. Cum so that I can fill your tiny pussy

*you fall apart and he start spurting cum in your pussy and takes your thong out of his pocket and takes his cock out and stuffs your thong in your cum filled hole*

Bucky - we should do that again*starts to redress *

Y/n-we should. Here is my number. Call me.

*she walks out*

Bucky - damn you woman.

Hi. I'm looking for a bucky Barnes x reader fic where Natasha and Steve are babies. Can someone please help me find it