Bpd Thoughts - Blog Posts

Why can’t he just fucking text me back?!!!??!!

“Life without you has no god damn meaning”

Maybe, borderline is not the monster i see in it.

If I loose control and start to struggle with life, borderline kicks in.

Maybe its not to make it worser.

Maybe its desperate, trying to save my inner child, deeply burried under all the supressed emotions.

Maybe it just doesn't know how to do it a healthy way.

The World of Black & White thinking.

The World of a person with Borderline.

No grey. No purple, nor blue or Red.

Its just Black or White. Liking or disliking, loving or hating.

Perhaps, i call you my light. Oh, The love i feel for my light can feel so beautiful and warm. Go on, cheat, hurt me, break my heart. As lang as you are my light, i dont care. Just make me feel loved and cared for. I will do anything for you.

No matter how selfdestructive i will end up, oh i love you.

But if The light dies, and youre just a Black hole.. oh, i hate you. So much it hurts. I remember everything you did wrong and now i use it against you.

But what about tomorrow? Will you be my light again?

The urge to rip out your arms during derealization.

Oh, to feel unlovable...

I'm sorry for being who i am

What even is love?

I don't know how it feels.

I only know the feeling of obsession.

I LOVE you for some days, but then there is NOTHING. I feel nothing.

I don't know if i love you, i don't want to hurt you.

At some point you make me feel safe, on the other you scare me.

Fuck, i don't know what to do.

If you are with me, only me, giving me all your attention, its like a sun in my head.

The shadows disappear. You make them disappear easily. You are my sun. I would do everything for you. I mirror you to be perfect for you.

But the sun is hot as fire and fire burns everything down.

If you go, the sun goes. The shadows are back, worser. Because you aren't there.

And suddenly i am alone. You hate me. You will leave me. You play with me. You will replace me.

Then you text me a simple "Hey, can you help me later?"

And even though the shadows stay, i feel useful. I look forward to help you.

But then there are other people to help you too. And i am useless again. Replaceable.

But I help you. My body hurts and feels heavy, but I am here to help you.

And once you don't need my help anymore, once i get into the safe place of my own four walls, i collapse. It hurts, really much.

Is that what dying feels like? Its probably more peaceful.

The flames that 'save' me are also the flames that easily 'kill' me. I wonder if my shadows ever hurt you?

No split was ever strong enough to break my attachment to you. You say "come here" and i run. Because i have a task. I am useful.

I don't love you romantically. You are like a older sibling.

I am sorry. I know I am unhealthy obsessive. Also i don't know how to stop it. I just try & fight to keep the chaos inside of me.

You are my favorite person.

I hate you, but my love for you will always return. Even if i kill you in the back of my mind, one single nice word of yours revives you.

My inner child can sleep trough the whole night if i am at your place.

You showed me how to live.

You will always be the most Important person for me. Even if you do replace me one day. As long as I live, i am here for you.

I mean it. With two broken legs i would get up for you. Only you.

TRIGGERWARNING. detailed Borderline Episodes.

Imagine you have a good day, you feel euphoric, no one can hurt you. Why are you in therapy again? Your life isn't that bad, its fun, right?

Snap

Oh. You don't feel anymore? Hm, same old numbness. What now? What should you do? Its stressing you out at some point? Why can't you feel anymore? You do want help, want to reach out.

Snap

No. You don't need anyone. Who cares anyway? They will leave. Everyone does. You don't need anyone, you have yourself. Fuck people.

Snap

Why do you start to cry? You probably don't know. Then everything crashed down, and you end up scream crying. Why is there nobody to help? Why you? Why can't you feel normal? Everything hurts. Your body hurts physically. Headache, dizziness, stomach pain, chest pain. You feel like you explode. Your skin feels like burning.

Maybe you get self-destructive. But it doesn't hurt. Everything else does.

Snap

You hate anyone. You truly do. You hate them, you hate yourself, you yell and hit walls and start to cry only to laugh in the next moment. Why? Why? Why? It repeats in your head. Selfhate, words of others, it doesn't stop. It never stops.

Repeat.

Every day.

Borderline is a serious mental illness. It causes death. It causes pain. Much more pain individual's without Borderline CAN'T imagine.

Oh fuck, and I am sick of it.

I know, and you know it too. There is just that fat ass hill we need to climb up, to get actually better. But where is the path? Does it really exist? How? How do we get there? How long can we stay up there? Will someone push us down again?

I don't need you.

(Please hold me and wipe my tears.)

Talking about healing-

I see rarely people talk about how wrong it feels to let yourself getting healed, getting help. it is not wrong at all of course, its good.

But it feels wrong.

Like, its hard to explain. Speaking for me, i struggle with myself (as far as I remember) since i am 6/7 and it only got worser.

And now you wanna tell me i can drop most of it?

Something inside me doesn't believe I can be happy. I can't find things that makes me happy for longer than a hour, max a day.

Something inside me doesn't want to.

Because i found to much comfort in my own suffering. The only thing that always was with me, that never left, are the feelings that came with my mental illnesses.

I just don't understand how i am supposed to feel like. To think like.

I want to heal myself, to get better, be better for persons around me. I want to learn to control my bpd.

But I am really scared.

I'm so tired of life, of not knowing who i am or how i am. Lately i can't even feel pity if someone tells me something sad.

I can't see people as white anymore until Splitting is suddenly over. I only splitted during being depressed for a long time now and since yesterday i feel like I never was depressed and i feel some weird euphoria and nothing at the same time.

Friday during therapy I got really pissed at my therapist for constantly asking me how i feel or why i feel like that because i don't know myself. I wanted to run away. I said sorry afterwards tho.

How long will it takes her to drop me?

Or actually helping me heal?

Because i don't know how to help myself anymore.

I am sorry for ghosting my friends. I am just not feeling good. Not at all.

If I finally answer them, most of them answer immediately. Why can't I be thankful for that? Because in that moments i am like "ugh now you have to also answer immediately."

Whats wrong with me? I really like most of them but i can't help it.

I want to leave this world, honestly.

"Your trauma makes you stronger"

No, my trauma gave me depression, quiet & self-destructive bpd, anxiety, insomnia and a inner child that desperately wants to get healed.

Scared of being alone, only pleasing other people desperately trying to have friends, to not be the outstander.

I was a child. I wanted to be protected by the persons that hurt me. I wanted their help & their love. And now I am the person struggling to accept care even though I want it because it makes me feel trapped & dependent. I am the person struggling to show love.

Who am i?

(Just a little vent, TW a single mention of selfharm and suicide in the end.)

In one moment i feel nothing at all, i found comfort in it.

Then, someone talks in another voice, and my mind gets crashed by selfhate and believing anyone is fooling with me. That often triggers Splitting, rage or depression.

No matter wich bpd episode; boredom, euphoria, anger, sadness, frustration, Splitting, lovesick, anxiety, dissociating, overthinking..

In big crows i am always on fight or flight.

Every single one feels so wrong, so different. Overwhelmingly and unbearable, causing my body to hurt and feel so weak.

Afterwards my mind feels so dead, guilty and ashamed. Like i don't think at all but still think so much if somebody can understand that.

If people ask what my Traits are, how could i say 'caring' if only care in a few of these episodes?

How can I say I will always listen? I really want to, but if I am in episodes i can't listen anymore.

What can i tell them, what wouldn't get destroyed by a episode?

What can i tell myself?

The only thing that stays with every damn episode is the thought of suicide or selfharm. But that's something rarely someone I meet will ever find out.

I know, I am more than bpd. We all are more than this illness.

Yet, from time to time i can't help it and ask myself, who am I.

Take care <3

Sometimes wonder how things will be if I manage to do it until I am like, 70.

Like, i would probably be a hated, grumpy old women and would still have bpd. Like.

It really does never leave.

Hm, i don't want to get that old anyway but its kinda weird to think about that, also I am pretty sure the old days would be extremely hard to deal with, constantly reminding how your body is to old to do the things you loved to do.

Romantisized Borderline.

If you have bpd this may triggers you!

Why the fuck would people even do that?

"I wan't a borderliner as my significant other."

No you don't. Its hell for you and for them.

You want someone who is absolutely obsessed, to the point just a wrong breath make them think you hate them.

You want someone who's probably is suicidal, self-destructive and self harming? "I can fix them." No you can't. Neither i think you can stop them.

You want someone that is extremly lovingly and affectionate only to become distant, ignoring and maybe even offensive in a eyeblink because they got triggered into Splitting or rage?

You want someone that probably feels offended if you need time for yourself or do spend time with your friends and don't answer your phone.

You want someone that may shouts and yells in one moment, only to cry and feel guilty in the next moment, maybe begging you to stay?

You do realise that its not just from time to time, but every fucking day? If they have a bad day's maybe even hourly moodswings?

You want just to help them? Thank you, but that's not your task in a relationship/friendship. Take care of yourself because the chance that you just ruin yourself is high.

Fuck, imagine cuddling in bed in a comfortable silence, they overthought something and suddenly push you off, just because a single though.

Wanna know what the worst is?

Maybe you noticed that I am extremely aware of my bpd. But that doesn't mean i can change, or fix myself. Because with the sudden overwhelming emotion, my mind is drowning in things like selfhate and that everyone will leave, no more awareness or control. I think its like that for many borderliners.

Please don't romantisize something people are suffering from. Thank you.

I had a fp from 2020 to 2023-

I wasn't diagnosed back then. They never knew how much and bad they managed to trigger me in the last year.

Anyways, i never had a episode infront of them except going all silent.

I thought our friendship would have ended, as with 2024 i started to only visit the stables (where we had to meet every day normally but due to stress i made with them the decision that they would take care of my pony until I finished apprentice.)

When i felt.. okay, not stressed, not bad, not extremely tired.. of course I started to have a better mood at the stable since then.

Since a long time i call them in the mornings to wake them up so they don't oversleep and still do, but, fuck.

They are so fucking nice to me again since 2024 began and we stopped seeing each other everyday, since I wasn't forced to go to the stables anymore because i don't have to feel guilty because of my pony even though I really love it.

My ex fp is so nice to me again i can't handle it 😭 especially every morning on the phone.

I don't know how to work with this & this feelings.. they are still able to trigger me badly too.

Why is that so fucked up? What should I do?

I am scared. Also i want it to stay like now. BUT IT SCARES ME.

Since i got my first tattoo i wanna have more (impulsive ones) 😭

Someone stop me i'm broke.

Plus, I found to much comfort in that pain oop~

Romantic homicide- d4vd

Exactly what's happening during a split.

Something bad is 'bout to happen to me I don't know it, but I feel it coming.

Might be so sad, might leave my nose running.

I just hope they don't wanna leave me.

Don't you give me up, please don't give up

Honey, I belong with you, and only you, baby.

This song is so bpd related.

I hate you, but please don't leave me.

Low key thinking I'm not ready for any relationship other than one with a therapist at this point. I need to get my shit together but y'know I have friends a boyfriend and a bunch of complicated feelings plus the burning want of affection. KMS istg.

s3xu@al assault really makes you feel like you’re only good for sex and sending nudes and that the only way to make things right with someone is letting them use your body huh hahahshhdbxnd

Being mentally ill means random people will assume shit about you because of your diagnosis

I spent so long being told/believing that I had to have a rational reaction to everything despite the fact that I am in fact a walking talking well of emotions

it was his birthday yesterday and i didn't reach out. maybe someday i'll be able to wish him a happy birthday without it compromising all my hard work but that day is not today

i want to be hugged.

i want someone to stroke my hair.

i want someone to tell me they’re proud of me.

i want someone to hold my hand in public.

i want someone to tell me everything’s gonna be okay.

i want someone to softly caress my skin.

i want someone to teach me their hobbies.

i want someone to explain to me stuff i don’t understand.

i want someone to give me forehead kisses.

i just want to feel safe, for once.

Sometimes i feel like sh-ing then i remember

i already have cvts stinging that are extremely painful why do i feel like i need more? why isn't what i have ever enough pain?

Caving into the impulsive thoughts to keep the intrusive thoughts at bay.