Bpd Things - Blog Posts

did i sit and stay,

like a good dog?

just how you asked?

my teeth bared,

so you’d mistake,

a grimace for a smile?

back to putting in the hard work, mapped some of my parts!

5.30.23 - Profit off the Psychiatry. (excerpt)

My parents don't like the smell of the incense i burn. Its religious. They complain about it behind my back, like they do me.

tonight the black hole where my heart is supposed to be feels as if it will eat me alive.

three hours later and i was in literal tears about how unfair it is that i have to work so hard to be a person. this Borderline shit got HANDS

i stg this shit is just Big Puppy Disorder. like wag wag wag my tail over this new friend, he is so nice and he is so nice to me and i want to be his puppy and make him happy too :3

i’m like some braindead golden retriever wtf is going on.

i just think it’s silly that my parents were a little sucky and now i’m a 19 year old with a personality disorder and an emotional support stuffed animal

to that one person

no revenge bcz one day ull realize i only had the purest intentions towards u, i never hurt u, all i did was love u, n i hope ull realize it n that itll haunt u for the rest of ur life

you might not like me anymore but ill always love you. ill never meet someone who is as amazing and pretty as you, and, in turn, youll never meet someone whos even a little bit similar to me, and i hope that fucking haunts you.

nothing hurts more than when you are in love with him & he is with someone else…

hi loves. i am not feeling so well.

send me some asks or comments?? pls? idk lol…

bury me with you.

i want to be as close as i can be to you.

forever & always.

i wish i also had a piece of you.

so you would always be with me.

they don’t understand you, my beloved.

but i do.

i want to spend my life devoted to you.

i am having those thoughts again…

i just want to belong to someone…

any applications??? ❤️

I’ve grown tired of trying to gain your attention, it’s obvious that you do not reciprocate. I deserve better.

we all love him, we just express it in different ways.

i wish he cared for me as much as i cared for him.

I tried my best for you.

Trigger Warning

i laid down on the hard sidewalk, staring at the stars while tears filled up in my eyes.

I impulsively messaged a old fp & while he instantly responded with positivity like he always has.

Simultaneously, my current fp messaged me back, responding to my response of his story on insta. 

I don’t even know why I’m crying, sure, maybe it’s because my dad has cancer, my childhood friend/bully died the other day, my uncle is in the hospital after being found unconscious on the floor, we are being kicked out our apartment, and im here weeping over stupid shit like why doesn’t he love me back…

I want to be able to go on top of a mountain and scream to the world that I am yours.

But, it will only be possible if you accept me as yours.

me: *finally opens up to someone"

me: *feels better afterwards*

a few hours later

me: i am so sorry to even have bothered you. please erase my existence from your memory.

You can’t be diagnosed legally with BPD until you’re eighteen but I have been told by multiple doctors at multiple in patient facilities as well as my psychiatrist that I do have it and my psychiatrist will give me a diagnosis when I turn eighteen. They can however say that you have “traits of borderline personality disorder” and that’s included on my long list of mental issues on my hospital records and IEP forms. It’s honestly torture not being able to be diagnosed because although they can’t do much for BPD, there are newer things that have proven to be effective and I can’t have that treatment until I’ve been diagnosed. But seriously, if a mental health professional hasn’t diagnosed you and/or is not planning on diagnosing you when you turn eighteen, please do not joke about it. It’s really serious and has wreaked havoc on my life. I hate the fear of abandonment I have; I hate the way it affects my relationships; I hate that I never feel “mentally ill enough”; I hate everything about it. All I want to do is be close to the people I love and feel loved and validated by them but the ways I try to do that always end up pushing them away. And to all of you who think that people with bpd are manipulative, abusive, crazy, etc., go fuck yourself. You don’t have a clue how hard it is to live with this disorder. You don’t know shit. Go educate yourselves assholes.

Alright I’m done now. Carry on.

hey guys

To everyone replying to my first post about BPD (that one post on my account that people like and reblog lmao) saying things like “I don’t have BPD but I relate.”, stop. I know you might get jealous easily or something along those lines, but it’s not the same. For us, it’s chronic. It’s torture. I am unable to linguistically express how difficult it is to get through these feelings daily.

I’m sorry, but no, you can’t relate. Maybe you think you do because of how I’ve put it because I’m not the best at explaining things, but you don’t. I’m sorry. You can’t.