I Envy Everyone Who Has A Reason To Wake Up Tomorrow.

There are some things that just won't happen even if you long for them since the bottom of your heart.

And that, unfortunately, it's fine.

Sometimes I'm so stupid that I think:

"Hmm, maybe if I really am myself, I can start getting people to like me."

And then I remember how cynical and boring I am and that my head should explode just for thinking something so silly.

Guys send me death threats, I want to see what's your best.

My own mother's "it really would be better if you killed yourself" keeps ringing in my head.

Like, eventually it will happen, but

there are no buts

I feel alone again

At least this time it doesn't hurt as much as before/j

I just feel numb and fuzzy and tired and-

I don't even know what I feel

I feel like something is being ripped out of me when I don't feel motivated to draw, that no matter how much I pick up a pencil and scribble I just feel like something isn't right.

How do people manage to make such wonderful drawings and practice almost every day?

I want to break a bone, I want to tear off a piece of my skin, I want to scream when no one pays attention to me

How do I explain to someone that I am extremely possessive but not in the romantic sense?

like, fine, you have a bf/gf, good for you, but I don't care, you're mine.

It's funny to think how the fact that I'm a landmine was simply a matter of time, a ticking time bomb.

As a child I almost always suppressed emotions because of my mother: don't laugh too loudly because it looks weird, don't talk if no one asked you and much less talk about yourself, don't cry if you don't have a true reason to do so.

Of course I was a child like any other with strong emotions, but because I was constantly told that it shouldn't be like that, to the point of completely suppressing it was how I was molded into what I was.

I say how it "was" because it is not the same anymore, now I cry, there are times when I have not been able to control my crying, when I have not been able to suppress it anymore, if I'm not around my mother, I'm likely to laugh loudly, to the point where it can probably be annoying, I like to ramble about things I like and sometimes blurt out very personal things out of nowhere.

Of course, this is not with just anyone, but with VERY specific people. With others, I remain reserved and bitter.

My wiwis (best friend) just sent me this text.

Translation:

Yesterday I dreamed about you

We were waiting for a train and you were joking about throwing yourself on the tracks

And due to I held your arm so you wouldn't do it, it broke like you were made of porcelain

And you broke all

I got so scared that I even woke up

And that made me affirm that he's my best friend for a very good reason, and that he sees me as a suicide doll :3