The Secret History As Onion Headlines (there Will Be More Bc I Cannot Stop)

Remember I have only watched the show so

headcanon that neil and andrew don't necessarily hide their relationship in public but also absolutely refuse to acknowledge it. neil asked about his relationship with andrew "yeah i hate that guy", andrew asked if he and neil are actually together "i don't know who neil josten is" and then someone will spot them kissing in the car and they'd both be like "this is not our car"

Idk why but Gansey seems like the kinda guy to go fishing

I'm pretty sure I wrote it down somewhere, but it was either just after I finished reading the series or while I was reading it that I remember thinking vividly "the difference between feral and unhinged is neil and andrew" and every day I think about how accurate that statement is

listen. listen. andrew is a space nerd. you can fight me and @happyminyards​ we will defend this until we’re dead. this headcanon was brought to you by late night musings with lauren n tina.

it fits andrew so well?? bcs andrew isn’t interested in a lot of things, he doesn’t allow himself to be? but space? space is so removed, it’s almost fantastical, but it’s still real?? it can’t hurt him or come back to bite him in the ass, but it’s big and there’s a lot of stuff to know, a lot of really almost unreal seeming stuff??

andrew who, one day, on the roof makes a noise and when neil turns to look at him just says “the iss is flying over” and neil is like?? the heck?? bcs?? why does andrew know that?? andrew just rolls his eyes and points to the bright dot quickly moving towards the horizon again.

andrew, who points out constellations bcs neil admits that he doesn’t know any (ofc it’s not something the butcher teaches).

neil catches him looking at pictures from the iss astronauts instagrams one day.

andrew who totally has a twitter account just to follow neil and curiosity.

andrew buying books on space and telling Neil random facts to distract him from panic attacks.

one day he gets into a heated debate about the possibility of.life on other planets and Neil sheds a tear because here is his boyfriend being passionate about something that was never forced on him like exy was.

neil buys andrew a shirt with the words “I believe” and a tiny space ship printed on them after Andrews argument about the probability of life on other planets and Andrew just gives him this withering stare and says “life on other planets is more likely to be tiny micro-organisms than it is full grown sentient beings capable of vehicular flight” but he wears it at least once a week anyway.

andrew dragging neil wordlessly to the car one night and driving out onto some random fields to catch a meteor shower (neil teases him about this ~romantic date~, andrew shuts him up by pushing him back on the grass and kissing him).

neil forcing everyone to watch sci fi space movies with them so andrew can grumble at the inaccuracies but also neil knows that he likes to watch the super hd space shots with all the stars.

neil dragging andrew to a science/space museum for his birthday, though they refuse to acknowledge that it’s his birthday.

when he has a nightmare or can’t sleep andrew will flop on the sofa with a laptop and watch documentaries, mainly ones about deep space, the furthest away you could get from the stuff haunting him. and whenever he’s okay with neil being close neil will join him, and he won’t admit it, but the feeling of neil’s breath on his collarbone probably calms him down just as much as neil degrasse tyson babbling away over eta carinae.

when neil has a nightmare that just happens to happen in the middle of the eta aquarid meteor shower which andrew had been wanting to see from the roof, but he doesn’t want to leave neil to wake up alone and scared so he sits by the window and smokes while neil is tossing and turning behind him (he won’t wake him up bc it just disorients neil more).

(neil wakes up eventually, realises that andrew is missing out on seeing the shower properly to stay close in case neil needs him and proceeds to drag them both up to the roof with blankets and snacks bc he refuses to take this away from andrew, even unknowingly).

SO YEAH. SPACE NERD ANDREW.

as someone who loves assigning university majors to people i feel very strongly that blue and gansey ARE NOT both sociology majors!!

first off they do not give weird couple who do everything together and study the same things like they have seperate interests

and you’re telling me that gansey, who intended to devote his entire life to finding a dead welsh king who would not become a slightly unhinged history student who somehow knows every little detail about really niche welsh historical events in an introduction to western history class??

and you’re telling me that blue sargent, a girl with her eyes on the stars and heart in the trees would not become an eviornmental science and political science double major and get in fights with people in her classes on the daily??

Oh yes, the raven boys

why is Richard sickly for like 95% of the book he's always complaining about being exhausted and faint and nauseous and riddled with headaches and his solution is LETS HAVE MORE PILLS AND ALCOHOL??

LIKE SIR PLEASE JUST EAT A VEGETABLE IM BEGGING U

I neeedddd more Foxes on TikTok content! Them doing their own versions of trending videos and challenges like the "dress up as something that starts with your first initial challeneg"

Allison, looking ethereal dressed like a literal Greek God, glammed to the heavens: I'm Allison, I'm dressed as Aphrodite and it's the onw year anniversary of my boyfriends death so I better be the drunkest tonight.

Renee, wearing a real leather F1 jacket/jumpsuit that Allison for some reason has in her closet with a blow up steering wheel in her hand: I'm Renee, I'm a race car driver and I think Nicky might be the drunkest.

Andrew, dressed exactly the same as normal but has a stethoscope around his neck and a piece of paper saying "Aaron" duct taped to his chest just stares into the camera for 30 seconds until it's obvious Allison will not be leaving without an answer: when Kevin starts puking I'm leaving.

Once everyone has given their answer the video enda with a pic of Nicky and Kevin passed out in a bathtub together.

Or the Trauma Dump Candy salad video which goes off the rails immediately and PSU makes them take down 3 hours after posting

"Hiiiiiii, I'm Nicky and I'm a gay teenage father of two and I brought Nerd Cluster Gummies"

"I'm Aaron and instead of going to rehab my evil doppelganger locked me in a bathroom w a blanket and a weeks worth of canned food and I brought Reeces"

"I'm Allison and my parents didn't even yell at my brother when he got expelled from boarding school for having coke in his room but I got kicked out of the house when I showed up to my deb ball with a black eye and a busted lip after playing (and winning) an exy game. They didn't even ask if I was OK. And I brought cherry flavoured Twizzlers"

"I'm Neil ans whenever I burn something while cooking I have a panic attack cause I start to think about burning my mother dead body in a ditch on the beach and I brought ... Andrew what are these called? Oh, I brought sour patch kids"

"I'm Kevin, I grew up in a cult and I brought raisins" except he's body tackled by a blonde blur before he gets a chance to dump the raisins into the bowl.

Them posting stupid shit to popular sounds:

Aaron, sat on the couch, study notes laid out around him, energy drink cans littering the place: I want to sit back and enjoy my my evening when all of a sudden ...

Camera flashes across the room to Neil just minding his own business: ... I hear this aggravating, grating voice

***

The "My Shalya" sound over clips of Neil absolutely violating people.

***

Zoom up of Kevin in full Queen Day sttess mode on the sidelines of practice with the sound "yes I'm a drama queen, but it's not by choice" playing over it and when it gets the "it's genetic" part the video zooms out to show Wymaxk next to him with the exact hand on hip, stressed look on his face

***

Renee doing the "actually I do cuss a little" sound while she's getting her gear on to spar with Andrew and when it reaches the "probably fuck" portion of the audio the clip switches to her taking Andrew downnnn. And then there's a beat drop just cause.

***

Another edit of Neil but with the "am I the drama? I don't think I'm drama" sound.

***

Upperclassmen scrolling through news articles or flipping through sports news channels rhag are reporting on them while miming along to "is this fucking play about us"

***

Some teammates, probably upperclasmen, definitely Nicky also miming along to "I'm sorry, not everybody fits in the bad bitch genre, it's a genre, not everybody fits on the he roster" while dressed in full exy uniform, with the caption "when you're coach only recruits the most traumatised bitches"

And forcing teammates to do "day in the life" "what i eat in a day as a member of the most fucked up exy team" and "ootd" videos.

Andrew (bribed with alcohol, ice cream and ten dollars) does a What I Eat in a Day as depressed mother of 3 whose forced to play stickball. There's no sound, its just the picture carousel style w block letters next to pics of his food:

Breakfast is a massive mug of hot chocolate with half a can of squirty cream and marshmallows.

Breakfast 2 is a big bowl of whatever sugary flavour cereal that's overflowing w E Numbers and almost illegal food dye you guys have in the US.

Snack 1 is a chocolate bar.

Lunch is a slice of pizza, fries and then there's a hand forcing salad onto his plate. Andrew adds a note to this pic saying "I'm allergic to green, Kevin's trying to kill me"

Snack 2 is a an energy drink and a cigarette

Dinner is a pint of ice cream

Midnight snack is just a pic of Neil which Andrew thinks is an obvious coming out without coming out vibe but everyone is immediately worried about Neil's safety and there endals up being a Reddit thread about Andrew being a cannibal.

Then they post a follow up video of Kevin reacting to this and he just watches on in despair saying "no. no. Andrew you have a nutritionist!"

These r so incredible I'm losing it

I asked chatgpt to make some lame jokes about tsh characters, here are some of em':

1) Why does Henry hate elevators?

Because they remind him of morals—too many ups and downs.

2) What’s Bunny’s favorite exercise?

Running his mouth.

3) Why did Bunny fail history class?

He thought “Ancient Greece” was a fancy restaurant.

4) What’s Charles’s favorite drinking game?

Life. And he’s losing.

5) What’s Francis’s favorite song?

"Always Look on the Bright Side of Life", but only because he finds irony funny.

6) How does Julian flirt?

By reciting long passages of Latin poetry—because nothing says romance like a 300-page dead language textbook.

7) How did Donna Tartt know her book was going to be a hit?

She didn’t. She just knew it would make everyone at her college reunion really uncomfortable.