In Recent Years, There's Been A Push In Therapeutic Circles To Shift The Language From "attention-seeking"

in recent years, there's been a push in therapeutic circles to shift the language from "attention-seeking" to "connection-seeking" behavior.

i was an attention-seeker. i was the textbook example of an attention-seeker. i was a troublemaker. i would self-harm. i destroyed my own relationships. i was uncontrolled, dramatic, sensitive. i took everything personally. i had "nothing" to be depressed "about," but made a big show of how sad i was nonetheless. i was really unsafe about myself in a lot of ways.

the strange thing about that is: it meant others could ignore me. the prevailing wisdom behind knowing something is "attention seeking" is to say: well, since you want it that bad, you're not getting any. it meant i was lower-on-the-list of concern. it meant an eye-roll.

the belief was that: since i was obviously doing these things on purpose, it would be bad behavioral training if i was "rewarded" for it. it would "teach me" that i simply had to make enough fuss, and i'd finally get all that missing attention and love. no, it was better to ignore that stuff.

i was suffering. and it felt like - oh, it doesn't matter how loudly i am in pain, nobody gives a shit about if i'm living or dying.

awhile ago, i went through my journals from that time. a lot of them read the same thing. in them, i am convinced i am invisible. that nobody wants to hear me, to see me. that i could die or vanish and nobody would even notice. i didn't even want attention - not really - because it was always dismissive, mocking. nothing i ever did would be good enough to get someone to actually-worry about me.

that's a terrifying thing for me to read as an adult. that is a child who fully has no problem committing. that is a child who has no concept of feeling loved. the most basic human instinct is missing from her life.

i needed help. i didn't know how to ask for it. i was a kid. i was a kid in a bad home, and whenever i thought things couldn't get worse there - they almost always did.

and the ways i showed that - the ways i tried to deal with that - they made others dismiss me. i wasn't suffering prettily. after all, if i was really in trouble, why wouldn't i just march into the first counselor's office and ask someone to help me? i had the opportunities, right? what did i think would happen, exactly? that someone would finally stand up and do something? who even wants that kind of responsibility?

i heard connection-seeking for the first time about three months ago. my therapist mentioned it when we were talking about my history. it rang some kind of horrible bell, deep inside me. i don't know what she said in the rest of her sentence. i just started... crying.

"oh no", i said to her. "i think i just realized: i have no idea how to forgive them for minimizing the ways i was hurting."

how many other kids, though. how many other kids were out there drowning, snatching around for a lifevest, some kind of rope - how many were straight-up ignored.

how many of those kids aren't gonna get old.

More Posts from Waitingrm and Others

4 years ago

When Five first jumped into the future and found himself in the apocalypse and found his siblings’ bodies at the mansion, he wouldn’t have found Ben’s body but wouldn’t know why. 

Do you think he stayed there a while, picking through the rubble, searching for a body that wasn’t there, just to make sure, wondering what it meant? Do you think that for a while he held on to this tiny crazy speck of hope that maybe, someway, somehow, Ben had survived? His body wasn’t at the mansion so maybe he’s still out there. Maybe he wasn’t alone, maybe he had one sibling left if he could just find him somehow. 

But then of course he would have found Vanya’s book. And he learned that Ben wasn’t the lucky one, just the opposite. And Five’s smart and he’s practical. From the beginning he’d known that there was almost no chance of Ben still being alive. He’d just wanted so very badly to believe. 

That’s a turning point for Five. That moment when he knows for certain that his brothers and sisters– all of them– are dead. And he is utterly alone. And the only thing that matters, is changing that. 


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5 years ago

!!!!!!!!!

#prosnape #fucksnaters #uwu #antimaruaders

#prosnape #fucksnaters #uwu #antimaruaders


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4 years ago

Write that story because you wanna see it created. Because you wanna read it.

Because in a month or a year or maybe ten years, whenever you come back to read what you wrote, it’s like rediscovering a gift you left for yourself. Like hearing the whispers of a younger you telling a story that feels both new and familiar, wondrous and nostalgic.

So go ahead. Write that story. Write that story, for the you in the future. 📖✨


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5 years ago
“True Heroism Is Remarkably Sober, Very Undramatic. It Is Not The Urge To Surpass All Others At Whatever
“True Heroism Is Remarkably Sober, Very Undramatic. It Is Not The Urge To Surpass All Others At Whatever
“True Heroism Is Remarkably Sober, Very Undramatic. It Is Not The Urge To Surpass All Others At Whatever
“True Heroism Is Remarkably Sober, Very Undramatic. It Is Not The Urge To Surpass All Others At Whatever
“True Heroism Is Remarkably Sober, Very Undramatic. It Is Not The Urge To Surpass All Others At Whatever
“True Heroism Is Remarkably Sober, Very Undramatic. It Is Not The Urge To Surpass All Others At Whatever

“True heroism is remarkably sober, very undramatic. It is not the urge to surpass all others at whatever cost, but the urge to serve others at whatever cost.”

(the avengers + defining moments + schools of ethical thought)

4 years ago

Actually life is beautiful because the sound I make while trying to breathe around hot food sounds like my dog trying to eat an apple. When I yawn my cat tries to put his face in my mouth like a little dentist man and when he yawns I put my finger in his obligate-carnivore trapzone and we both know he will not hurt me. When I do not fold my clothes, they do not hold it against me.

I am demonstrably sad, and lonely, and full of fear. But there are other people who will hold my hand, who will point out the hawk overhead, who will give you That Look in a public place. The other day at a coffee shop a child said "look! It's snowing!" so all of us strangers went to go look out the windows. It wasn't the first snow and it won't be the last but wasn't it lovely, like that?

How wonderful to live in a world where birds and frogs both say beep! How wonderful to have an ocean of beautiful sharks with their dinosaur teeth! How wonderful the moon and her changing face, how wonderful the bees and their dancing to communicate, how wonderful shrimp and their forbidden layers of vision! How wonderful, you, and what you will give the world! The way we love things enough to spend entire blogs devoted to them? How people will let me explain my Pokemon team to them? How we will both jump at the scare in the movie, how we laugh so loudly, how it feels to give someone your baking? How wonderful to be alive. I am sorry for forgetting.

This is the process of getting better. With wonderful people and wonderful strangers and wonderful friends: I am getting better, slowly. Thank you, whoever you are. In some way, you've been wonderful, and left a wonderful place in the world to ripple out to me. In some small way - isn't it beautiful - I promise, you've been helping.


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4 years ago

Can we please talk about Vanya and Five?

How Vanya left snacks for Five every single night, because she thought that would make him stay? How he was the only one who was nice to her, who talked to her, included her? Or how Vanya was the first person Five reached out to when he came back? The first name he called out when he saw the destroyed mansion? How he never raised his voice at her, and even apologized and softened it when he did? How every single one of his super powerful siblings were idiots to him but shy, socially-awkward Vanya, was his favorite? How the only fights we ever get of the two of them on screen is when everything is high-stakes, and even then he still tries to be soft with her and relents and just tells her to hurry up and get her lesbian SO and their son and be back before time runs out? Or when they disagree about saving Harland he still goes with her with the rest of bunch?

I just find them so great and I think everyone should know that no matter what, Five was a damn good older brother.


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4 years ago

spiderman is so fucking funny dude saves like an entire country and then he goes home at the end of the day and opens his fridge and hes got like 1 egg and a half empty can of arizona tea no matter how old he is or what comic hes from thats just how peter parker lives


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4 years ago

Do you ever suddenly remember something you wholeheartedly believed as a child that just makes your skin shrivel up like a prune


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4 years ago
The Suffering Never Ends
The Suffering Never Ends
The Suffering Never Ends
The Suffering Never Ends
The Suffering Never Ends

the suffering never ends


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19. I have a lot of side blogs btw iykyk

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