Panca Indra

Let’s lead with kindness, Vic

Sayang, 

Maaf ya terkadang aku menjadikanmu sumber kebahagiaanku.

Selain itu kamu bahagia denganku dan aku bisa jadi solusi masalahmu itu sudah cukup.

Aku tidak ingin kamu tau apa kesedihanku. Kamu hanya perlu tau baik-baiknya aku saja. 

Subuh2 overthinking

the problem is I'm craving for men's attention... I always see myself as a whore.

Being surrounded by men makes me feel secure and...wanted

Alongside, people who do not reciprocate my feelings are more attractive than those who do otherwise.

I'm that ungrateful girl as I'm still seeking other men (or women) while I have one who is willing to accept my true self.

the issue here lies between I need external validation and i love being the center of attention

I love it when ppl say I'm pretty, a good kisser, the goddess on the sheet, a motherly figure, smart or independent. they define my self-worth. however, it comes to my subconscious mind that - sadly - I'm attempting to fit men's conventional standards. You can guess where I lead to be? yes, that pick-me-girl type

Been aware that my childhood has shaped me into what I am today and fixing is a loooooong journey. i dont make any improvement yet. it's so fckin hard to be consistent and disciplined. see? im still struggling.

in reality, I really understand the reason why I was cheating or seeking other opportunities is to find security. my birth chart said that I can grow if I have been in a stable environment. stable here means in a secure place literally - figuratively. yet, i can confirm this is 100% accurate.

how can I create this safe place on my own? everyday, i have battles to win for

how can i be independent?

how can I stand up for myself?

how can i stay loyal and be grateful for what I have now?

do I feel enough?

2/30

I met an acquintance at Lor by Awor, a coffee shop in Palagan, Yogyakarta. The edgy vibes came along when I first arrived there. While waiting for her, I ordered Eskimo and cheesecake. Nothing special, but I give my respect to their excellent service and warm greetings. This place has been in my preference list as my meeting spot later.

Short Update from the Office

Yesterday, I made two accomplishments:

1) I was brave to voice my opinion, and 

2) I could make my documents tidy

That’s what my manager said teehee.

Hope will last longeeeer, yea

Good morning, Vicky.. It's already a month you've been here. Here are things you accomplished:

☑️ Your nose "treatment"

☑️ Submitted articles, even though all of them rejected

☑️ Succeeded on time blocking, and now you are maintaining the habit

☑️ Applied for jobs, but you decide to keep going. Nice. Do not give up. Do your best.

☑️ Became a less jerk person.

After all, you've learned that:

Keep going!

“Aku memilih untuk bertanggung jawab yang sudah aku mulai.”

— Moi

Semoga aku bisa menjalani hari Rabu - Jumat dengan berani

work life balance is bull*hit

Rekan kerja pernah berkata, “Kalo pengen work life balance, ya jadi pi en es aja.” 

Belum setuju karena belum merasakan posisi itu.

Namun di dunia ahensi, work life itu sulit digapai atau bahasa halusnya pekerjaan harus diterima sebagai bagian dari hidup kita.

Pernyataan di atas bukanlah sarkas dariku. Dulu ada career coach yang mengatakan hal serupa dan rekan kerjaku dari divisi lain juga sependapat.

Kalo aku mungkin bisa jadi bisa beda kasus. Temanku sedikit, aku tidak punya hobi yang memang harus dijalani setiap hari, sebenarnya valid saja sebagian besar waktu, tenaga, dan pikiranku terletak pada pekerjaan.

Di buku self-help yang kubaca kurang lebih menyatakan ini, “Jangan melabeli dirimu dengan pekerjaanmu, kamu adalah kamu.”

Lalu psikolog daringku mengatakan inti yang mirip, “Vicky adalah Vicky. Vicky memiliki beragam peran di hidupnya. Sebagai pegawai, sebagai anak, sebagai pacar, sebagai sahabat.” Singkatnya, be professional.

Two advices that I read about restoring our reputation at work:

1. Underpromising - overdelivering

2. Act like a best employee of the month.

Ive got many plans in my head and already wrote a few in my agenda, for instance listing down actions item in next week.

A past indeed a past. Let’s work it out and be a great performer, Vicky!