“you should be at the club” Brother I should literally be sent to the seaside for my health
“““You’re not a monster,” I said. But I lied. What I really wanted to say was that a monster is not such a terrible thing to be. From the Latin root monstrum, a divine messenger of catastrophe, then adapted by the Old French to mean an animal of myriad origins: centaur, griffin, satyr. To be a monster is to be a hybrid signal, a lighthouse: both shelter and warning at once.””
—
— Ocean Vuong, from “On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous”
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The opposite of anxiety is not calmness, it is desire. Anxiety and desire are two, often conflicting, orientations to the unknown. Both are tilted toward the future. Desire implies a willingness, or a need, to engage this unknown, while anxiety suggests a fear of it. Desire takes one out of oneself, into the possibility of relationship, but it also takes one deeper into oneself. Anxiety turns one back on oneself, but only onto the self that is already known. There is nothing mysterious about the anxious state; it leaves one teetering in an untenable and all too familiar isolation. There is rarely desire without some associated anxiety: We seem to be wired to have apprehension about that which we cannot control, so in this way, the two are not really complete opposites. But desire gives one a reason to tolerate anxiety and a willingness to push through it.
Open to Desire
Mark Epstein
the dark
bingo
Look down on me, good and gentle Jesus, while I kneel here.
Avengers: Infinity War (2018)
what will it be, boss? the comfort of misery or the pain of change?
tell me a secret, pass me your vape. You are the eyes seeing through God’s hand || he/him || 21
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