I Miss Xiao Zhan 

i found a loophole i will just make everyone dislike me so it's not a burden for anyone but me after all why should anyone have to suffer cause im not okay i should be capable of dealing with my trauma

get okay with being some level of burden on others, seriously

i’ve never needed a wangji more in my life

I just find it beautiful (and heartbreaking) how Wangji immediately takes responsibility for Wuxian as soon as he comes back from the underworld.

He knows by now Wuxian is not that good at taking care of himself and he’s not going to let the same mistake repeat over and over again, so he just decides he’s going to be the one who will take care of Wuxian, whether he likes it or not.

And he does take care of him. Perfectly, in fact. Not only does he take care of Wuxian, he anticipates his needs (like when he fixed his flute) and you can see that Wuxian is confused at times, but also extremely comforted by how protective Wangji is of him. 

Because let’s face it, Wuxian is used to being the protective one, the one who has the weight of the world on his shoulders, even when the people he loves don’t know what he’s done for them (like Jiang Cheng).

This is the first time someone is taking care of him without him asking for help and without expecting something in return. 

Wuxian has known little kindness in his life and certainly none in the years leading up to his death. By that point, he had no family, no clan and everyone would rather see him dead than try to understand him.

The Wen Clan was a found family, but he was the one taking care of them, not the contrary. So no, Wuxian probably doesn’t remember what it feels like to depend on someone else because he never had the luxury to do so. 

And yet Wangji has no hesitation and will not negotiate. He immediately makes himself dependable for Wuxian. He’s not going to lose him again. He lost his chance to protect him once and he’s not going to repeat that same mistake. 

He knows that very well and immediately acts on it without second thoughts, losing all the hesitation and maybe even a little of the discretion he had 16 years before. If Wuxian is wounded he will touch him or undress him, if Wuxian can’t walk he will carry him even if it’s “embarrassing”. Whatever Wuxian needs, he shall have.

And Wuxian’s reactions honestly have me in tears most of the time, because he doesn’t think he deserves any of that. But that’s exactly the point: Wangji knows Wuxian doesn’t love himself. So he decides he will love him enough for the both of them until he does.

My special talent is assuming our friendship is a burden on you and you dread hearing from me. So then I stop talking to you to ease the load and ruin what we had

Do you know what having bpd is?

Having bpd is crying because someone has given you a gift.

Not because the gift is too beautiful. But because they paid attention to your words. To what you said. They watched you and saw how you look at things.

Because they thought of you, saw you smiling with it, and got it for you.

Having bpd is calling them an idiot because they got you a gift.

Not because it is too expensive. But because you are so used to feeling so worthless that someone spending money on you just because you wanted something sounds so selfish and so wrong that you feel the need to fix it. You feel the need to apologize, to make up for a fucking gift, because you are not that much of a thing to be given gifts.

Having bpd is being stunned to silence because someone has given you a gift.

Not because it was a surprise. But because you never even expected someone to think of you. You never consdiered the possiblity of being on the receiving hand of a holiday. Never thought people would be grateful for your existance too, not when all you see in the mirror is a disgusting void.

Having bpd is not being able to thank your friend.

Because you don’t know how to thank people when they consdier you as a human being and consider your feelings and thoughts while buying you something just to see you smile.

I have bpd and I am crying over here just because I got a gift, because I still don’t think I was worth it.

Douluo Continent ep 1 Introducing Tang San

“I just casually threw out a nail, the creature moved too fast and ran into it by itself.” “Why do you carry nails around with you?” “My dad is a blacksmith.”

a child with an undiagnosed mental illness: I think I need help. I struggle with things nobody else seems to be struggling with.

a parent who never got diagnosed for the exact same mental illness: Oh sweetie. EVERYONE struggles with that :)

and someone still loves him

girls be like *he is my comfort character* and whamm! it's the most emotionally traumatized fictional man you've ever seen!

hello!! do you have any book recs for historical fiction/ non- fiction or something similar to the palace of illusions? thank you!!

A short list because I'm not well:

Song of Draupadi by Ira Mukhoty

Indian mythology retelling

Mahabharat from Draupadi's POV

Descriptive prose and lush worldbuilding

Everything Mukhoty writes about Indian women is readable

Nefertiti by Michelle Moran

Egyptian history retelling

Nefertiti's reign from her sister's POV

Morally grey central characters

The writing style is so descriptive and nice

She Who Became the Sun by Shelley Parker Chan

Queer Chinese history + fantasy retelling

Breathtaking, immersive worldbuilding

Wlw and mlm hostility; two evil non binary leads

Mulan but with a sapphic romance

The Forest of Enchantments by Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni

Indian mythology retelling

Ramayan from Sita's POV

Exploration of duty vs desire

Not as good as The Palace of Illusions, but still worth a read

The Jasmine Throne by Tasha Suri

Indian inspired fantasy

Sapphic romance between central characters

Cool magical systems

Morally grey female lead

Circe by Madeline Miller

Greek mythology retelling

Morally grey female lead, lyrical prose

Same author as The Song of Achilles

I have heard divisive stuff about it tbh

Sati Series by Koral Dasgupta

Indian mythology retelling

Feminist historization of female figures from Indian myth

Includes Ahalya and Kunti so far

I hope you find something to your liking from this list!

Kofi: papenathys