Do You Know What Having Bpd Is?

wei wuxian wanted to save everyone but lan wangji wanted to save /him/

Something that bears mentioning: I get why we need to shame straight girls who fetishize mlm ships but. To any straight girls who consistently relate to or resonate with mlm dynamics on a deep level or see themselves in queer male characters. if by any chance this post from a tiny tiny blog crosses your dash. Please take this moment to very privately consider the possibility that you might not be straight. Or a girl.

lowkey redid my entire acc cause i stopped using this after like 2017 and my aesthetic at that time was um

My brother cracked my rib one morning and gave me half of his orange in the evening.

I remember being younger and sometimes wishing to be a single child, to have all the attention and gifts and time but when he was away from home for the first time, I remember crying and stroking his side of the sofa as if blurting out my first wish- for him to be home, without thinking twice, without a shadow of doubt. Even the genie cried. Growing up with a sibling is like being the only people on a stranded boat, constantly figuring out how you can live with them and questioning how you could ever live without them.

One evening, in a fit of anger, I told him how I never wanted him to be my brother and he yelled that he didn't ask for it either. The air smelled like kerosene and my chest was filled with arsenic. I was raging and threw his favorite toy aeroplane down the window, 7 stories of guilt and shame. He cried all night and I wanted to cut off my right hand, the hand that hurt my baby brother. I didn't know if he was ever going to forgive me or even talk to me. The next morning at breakfast, he didn't look at me or say a word, I felt like my chest was about to explode and guilt clouded my vision. But then, I felt a hand quietly holding half of an orange my way.

The only people on a stranded boat. How do you live with them? How could you ever live without them?

-Ritika Jyala, excerpt from The world is a sphere of ice and our hands are made of fire

Edit: I added a visualizer for this on my YouTube channel. Check it out here

im pretty sure i cried reading this

I have… thoughts about wangxian, and specifically about the moment when they part ways at Qiongqi Path, with Wei Wuxian leading the Wen remnants and Lan Wangji declining to stop them.

I’ve seen a few people fluent in chinese do very thoughtful breakdowns of the exact nuances of the things Wei Wuxian says to Lan Wangji at that moment, but I’m going to link to and quote hunxi-guilai’s post, because tumblr’s search function is broken and this was the only one of the several I was able to dig up ;u;

蓝湛 / Lan Zhan

如果我和他们之间必有一战 / if there must be a fight between me and them

那我宁愿和你 决一生死。/ then I would rather fight to the death with you.

要死，/ If I must die,

也至少死在你含光君的手上. / then at least I would die by you, Hanguang-jun, at your hands

不冤了。/ I would not be wronged.

And specifically, I made a connection between Wei Wuxian’s attitude here and his perspective on life after his resurrection.

Because this is a low point. This is Wei Wuxian explicitly handing his trust over to Lan Wangji, saying that if Lan Zhan decides he’s gone too far, that he’s crossed an unforgiveable line, and that he needs to be put down, then Wei Wuxian accepts that judgment. Wei Wuxian is taking a stand and doing what he thinks is right, knowing that lots of people will probably fight him over it, but if Lan Zhan decides that he’s this far in the wrong and takes him out, he won’t argue, he won’t feel wronged, he’ll accept it.

So that’s good! That’s painful. This scene aches in all kinds of ways. 

But what I want to talk about is a different angle on Wei Wuxian’s self-judgment. Namely, whether or not he’s worthy of love.

He has… some issues with that. Madam Yu and Jiang Fengmian told him to protect his siblings no matter what, which he did, at horrible expense to himself. And then he kept the knowledge of what he’d sacrificed from them, because telling them what he’d done would have only hurt them more, and might have distracted them, making them think that they needed to spend (waste) their energy protecting him when he was the one who needed to protect them.

Jiang Cheng and Jiang Yanli are the most obvious examples of this, but there are moments like this with Wen Qing, when she has to physically knock him out before she and the other Wens can go sacrifice themselves to protect him, or later on with Wen Ning, where he speaks up on Wei Wuxian’s behalf to Jiang Cheng, knowing that Wei Wuxian would have never wanted him to tell Jiang Cheng these things, and that he would have been upset to know it happened.

And there are littler, smaller moments too, like in the Xuanwu’s cave, where Wei Wuxian has a giant fresh chest burn, but still tries to give all the limited medicine they have to Lan Wangji, or when Jin Ling gets a curse mark on his leg, and Wei Wuxian knocks him out so he can transfer it to himself without ever letting Jin Ling know that he was doing that for him. And then when he’s reunited with Lan Wangji, he tries to act like nothing is even wrong, nothing to worry about here, Lan Zhan!

I came to this book for the romance, but something I wasn’t expecting to be so compelled by was Wei Wuxian gradually becoming more at ease with the way Lan Wangji wants to care for him and protect him. I do think it’s a delicate balance, because Wei Wuxian isn’t incapable, even after losing his golden core, and there’s a subtle but important distinction between Wei Wuxian being willing to cheerfully impose on Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian not wanting to be a burden. Wei Wuxian has never been good at letting people take care of him, unless he’s being Baby with Jiang Yanli, and even then, he was pretty much only good at letting her know he needed to be cared for in very undemanding, roundabout ways. ‘I’m hungry.’

I’ve seen other people notice that he breaks out that same 'I’m hungry’ tactic with Lan Wangji, eventually, when they’re leaving Yunmeng. He doesn’t expect Lan Wangji to recognize what it means, and is moved when Lan Wangji reaches down to pick a lotus pod for him. And it comes out in other ways too, if somewhat indirect, deflect-y ways, like ‘please protect this weak, helpless man’ said with a grin, so Lan Wangji stops inching closer to figuring out the golden core thing.

But especially with that Qiongqi Path exchange translated up above, I feel like there’s an element here where Wei Wuxian is gradually starting to defer to Lan Wangji’s judgment about Wei Wuxian, regardless of Wei Wuxian’s feelings about himself. And as little as Lan Wangji says out loud, it’s pretty clear that he is firmly of the opinion that Wei Ying needs to be loved, protected, and cherished, and Wei Wuxian is gradually learning to accept that.

this is from last year

The Unapologetic Self as the Truest form of Self

time: [passes]

me: what

exactly

2ha is such a beautiful book wish i could talk to people more about it because it's so ?? idk how to describe it but i love how it addresses everything mo ran did in the past without romanticizing any of it. this book has so many problematic themes but i feel like every character is so complex and interesting it's hard putting it away