Tokidokioki - 🦈

“it’s easier to love than to hate”

nope. not always. not for everyone. sometimes it’s easier to be angry. sometimes it’s easier to hate people and sometimes all you want to do is yell or scream or slam things about.

sometimes it takes a monumental effort to choose to be kind.

and that’s okay! you’re not broken if your default, easy option, is something that is often frowned upon. you’re not broken if you find it hard to do the right thing.

I’m proud of you for trying your best and for pushing through, despite the odds. I’m proud of you for working hard. I’m proud of you for still trying, even when you stuff up sometimes.

you’re allowed to find kindness and love hard.

you’re allowed to be kind for “the wrong reasons”.

you’re allowed to exist.

Minor inconvenience:

Me: how about i end up in the fucking hospital how about that

Annoying: Rambling #13

19th April 2022, 00:23

Do you know what is super annoying? The fact that I cannot feel joy for another person. It is so irritating to me. All these people keep telling me about their wonderful days, that they’re excited for something, or that they have accomplished something. Of course, I’m good at feigning interest and happiness, I’ve done that my entire life, but I couldn’t care less about what they’re going through. Don’t get me wrong, I prefer it when they’re happy than sad because when they’re sad they’re more difficult to manipulate, but, god, they are so annoying. I don’t understand how somebody can be happy when their superior feels nothing at all. Like, I’m here, as cold as a damn ice cube (metaphorically, although my feet are pretty cold right now), and they have the audacity to shit out sunshine and rainbows. Screw the ‘but the warmth will melt your ice’ bullshit. No it doesn’t. All the warmth ever does is give me sunburn. I’m repulsed by these middle class snobs. They haven’t worked or suffered a day in their life and it shows. One girl I’m friends with likes to say that she was raised in poverty like me, but she moved away from her poverty house when she was three. We don’t have memories from before we’re five. She just wants to relate to me. Nobody can stand being perfect nowadays. The internet has convinced us that we gain validity through oppression. Be gay. Be trans. Be black. Be a woman. Be disabled. If you’re anything else, you’re a foul, disgusting human being. It’s cool and quirky to be different nowadays, but it undermines everything that the people in the aforementioned categories actually go through. Like, take being transgender for instance. Anybody who says you don’t need gender dysphoria to be transgender should quite literally be castrated and thrown down a well to rot. Yes, I’m saying this on Tumblr, the birthplace of a thousand genders. I’m not a snowflake, and I’m not scared of some retarded social justice warrior (yes, I can use the word retarded, I’m autistic). I was diagnosed with transgenderism about five years ago. Let me say that again. DIAGNOSED. Not identifying with your birth gender is a mental illness. It is debilitating. Don’t get me wrong, I have no idea if I still want to transition, I don’t know if I can deal with the stigma of being transgender because imbeciles like those snowflakes have made my disorder into a laughingstock. Anyway, I digress. It would be nice if I was able to feel somebody else’s happiness. Maybe it would give me happiness for once. I’m tired of feeling only negative emotions. Some days I don’t feel an emotion at all. The numbness overwhelms me sometimes. I worry that those days I might snap and do something I could regret, something that could ruin my life, my future, my prospects. I’ve fantasied about a lot of controversial things: raping somebody, killing somebody, torturing children, setting buildings on fire, kidnapping multiple people, etc. It gives me a rush of adrenaline when I think of these things. I won’t do them, I’m too stubborn and I want to finish my University degree without becoming a serial killer, but if everything goes tits up, they’ll always be something out there for me to do. If only I had a lover who was as fucked up as me to do it with.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

el gato

"You are slowly losing interest in me and I fucking hate it. I can feel the love between us fading and the worst part is: there's nothing I can do about it."

- M.C.

I already said too much. I already shared too much, and I want all my secrets back. I hate getting close to people these days. I always regret sharing too much, caring too much, doing too much, feeling too much.

The tention between the desire of being invisible and being seen by everyone.