I Bet You Work At The Anti-soup Kitchen, Which Steals Soups From The Poor. 

This post exempts you from any and all “If you don’t ___ this post, ____ will happen.” You are hereby immune to it all. You are now protected! Be free!

you know when you step outside on a wet and windy day, your jackets are layered and your skirts billowing in the breeze, and you just feel the adventure around you?

its the perfect day to board the ship or enter the woods, and to leave everything behind

Jimin: OK guys, how do I ask someone out?

Seokjin: Roses are red, violets are blue, guess what, my bed has room for two

Jimin: OH MY GOD NO

Hoseok: Twinkle twinkle little star, we can do it in a car

Jimin: STOP IT

Taehyung: Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, I can make you scream

Yoongi: I feel like that’s verging dangerously close into serial killer territory

so. my wife came downstairs just as i took a bite out of the remaining half red onion on the counter. literally within seconds of just getting away with it. i looked at her, and she looked at me, and we both sat there a moment, all frozen, beforeshe said babs, what the fuck. i tried to say i can explain but it came out as or corn explorn because such was the onion in my mouth that there was no room for words. its honestly a miracle that she understood me at all. at least, i'm assuming that she understood me because she did let me get my bearings for a few moments. a smarter man would've used that time to think up a good lie, but instead i just chewed as fast as i could because i knew i was gonna have to tell a whopper and i really wanted to be able to use big words again.

big words are instrumental to telling a whopper.

anyway, i totally ran out of time. i barely got my first swallow of onion in before she said well?, and i did at least have an empty mouth to match my empty head. but also i had no lies. so i looked her dead in the face, opened my mouth and waited, every bit as curious as her, to hear what excuse my mouth was gonna come up with.

im pregnant, said my mouth.

great job, mouth, said my brain.

mmmmm onion, said my mouth.

better you than me, said my wife. then she went upstairs. it has been two hours she still refuses to kiss me. im devastated. im shook. im crying a little, i think.

(but that might just be the onion.)

Feeling rough lately.

Who would win: Person who has auditory processing issues vs. somebody who doesn't know basic vocabulary and explains everything with twice as many words as necessary with 50% less precision.

a youtube series where I knowledgeably and professionally discuss my current hyperfixation throughout an extended montage scene of me speedcleaning my bedroom