Every Time I Blink My Eyes It Makes The Tiny Water-filled Ring Toss Game In My Head Go Whoosh

I like how differently we treat famous ppl on tumblr

Pukicho and Gaud are just Bastard Gods but also Idiots /pos

Pm Seymour and (bad jokes by) Jeff are Just Guys

And snom is just!! Protecc the he

guess what i found in my inbox this morning!

no i don't want you to redirect me to your app i want to look at recipe

so. my wife came downstairs just as i took a bite out of the remaining half red onion on the counter. literally within seconds of just getting away with it. i looked at her, and she looked at me, and we both sat there a moment, all frozen, beforeshe said babs, what the fuck. i tried to say i can explain but it came out as or corn explorn because such was the onion in my mouth that there was no room for words. its honestly a miracle that she understood me at all. at least, i'm assuming that she understood me because she did let me get my bearings for a few moments. a smarter man would've used that time to think up a good lie, but instead i just chewed as fast as i could because i knew i was gonna have to tell a whopper and i really wanted to be able to use big words again.

big words are instrumental to telling a whopper.

anyway, i totally ran out of time. i barely got my first swallow of onion in before she said well?, and i did at least have an empty mouth to match my empty head. but also i had no lies. so i looked her dead in the face, opened my mouth and waited, every bit as curious as her, to hear what excuse my mouth was gonna come up with.

im pregnant, said my mouth.

great job, mouth, said my brain.

mmmmm onion, said my mouth.

better you than me, said my wife. then she went upstairs. it has been two hours she still refuses to kiss me. im devastated. im shook. im crying a little, i think.

(but that might just be the onion.)

asunder gotta be one of the top five ways to be torn

little kids make me laugh. i was at a party yesterday and a kid was there and she noticed that i have a long straight cut along the length of my thumb and asked about it, so i told her it was a cat scratch, almost healed, didn't hurt. and then she was sorta staring and touching it for a bit and went "you had bone surgery. because there were termites in your bones."

so i played along and went "oh man, i hope they got em all!" and she went "no. they put in more." lmao

Nautilus expedition live streams (+ their commentary) | 2024

idk if people still do this, but if you’re cishet can you not joke about gaydar/being able to identify queer people who aren’t out yet? tacky

haaate when i actually find advertisements funny. makes me feel dirty . makes me feel impure

i need you to be aware that you can make a giant batch of caramelized onions to keep in the freezer and defrost at will. that is legal and they can't stop you. they can't take this from you