I Did My Best To Be Lovable.

new project!!

here’s a little sneak peak to my next crochet project, I’m freehanding it based on a picture I found on Pinterest. I am trying to find the original poster of the picture so that I can give them credit for their pictures/crochet pieces.

letter of gratitude

I normally don't post this kind of thing here, but this is a letter I had to write about someone who changed my life for the better. and while I know that there is no way for me to actually send this letter to her, I needed to get this off my chest.

I know that we haven’t talked in a while, and I know that you probably want nothing to do with me. I really regret how the last time we saw each other went, but I wanted to let you know that you were my best friend and the reason why I wanted to go to school every day. I enjoyed our walks around the playground, how we would talk about our worry’s and gushing about our crushes, all the while hiding how I had the biggest crush on you. 

I remember that day in third grade so clearly, I had just returned to school after breaking my leg for the second time, and for some reason the school staff put me on the biggest hill and told me to stay there, I really don’t understand what went through their heads. But as I’m trying to wobble my way up the hill, I look up and see my childhood bully crying in the spot where I normally watch all the kids in our class play. Even though I was scared of you, I couldn’t let someone cry and not want to help them feel better- looking back it was very obvious that I was an empathetic child, I mean I used to cry if someone I cared for cried in front of me- so I walked up on my crutches and I asked you what was wrong, and in all the anger a crying third grader could muster; you told me to fuck off. 

For some reason I didn’t back down, I don’t understand why I didn’t leave you there. But I couldn’t, I told you I wouldn’t leave and that talking to others makes me feel better when I’m sad, and that ill stay to listen even though your mean to me. I said “ I’m doing what I would want someone to do for me” after all that’s what my mom and girl scout leader told us all the time. Well actually they told us to “treat others the way we would want to be treated” but its basically the same thing. Anyway, we talked and somehow it sparked an unlikely friendship. After that day you would come and sit by me on that hill since I couldn’t do anything else, and then when I got my cast off, we would play, and you introduced me to your friends. I was so happy; I don’t think you ever knew how lonely I was before that. I didn’t have many friends as I was the shy quiet kid. I know that the teachers had talked to my parents before, and that they were worried that this added to me struggling in class. I also know that they were worried about you, I remember them always partnering us up for group work, and while child me didn’t know what all the side glances at us were, I know now.

And then in fourth grade when I re-broke that same leg, you sat by me during reses, and even when I worried that you would grow tired of me, you told me that you would rather sit with me then play with the kids that didn’t like you. I would bring you books that I thought you would like, and in class you would sit with me during the group reading activity and whisper to me the words that I couldn’t say correctly. I remember the teacher pulling us aside one day and saying that you were such a great friend for helping me when I got stuck, and I was so grateful that you didn’t make me feel stupid. You never teased me for being slow after learning about my ADHD, you actually got all the kids that bullied me for it to back off. I remember how we would get so excited when I had a doctor’s appointment because I was supposed to get my cast off, and the doctor told me that I wouldn’t need to used crutches anymore, so my mother sent me to school without them. However, by the second-class period I was in so much pain that I was sobbing, and you helped me limp my way to the nurse’s office to call my mom. You held my hand while I tried to explain to the women at the front desk why I needed to call my mom and when I couldn’t get the words out you, in your angry but worried fashion told her to “hurry up and call my mom because I was in a lot of pain.”

Fast forward to the fifth grade and we found out that were in the same class yet again, however this time the teacher wouldn’t let us sit next to each other. We ended up on completely opposite sides of the room. This didn’t stop us though, and we would make silly faces at each other only to get told off by the teacher. By the time that lunch came around we were glued to the hip, needing to catch up on all the time we didn’t get to talk. And then, about half-way through the fourth month, a girl names Reily moved to our school. There was something about her that just screamed ‘I need a friend’, and it felt like it was my duty to do everything I could do to befriend this girl. I was known as the girl in our class to be friends with everyone in our grade, all of that would have never happened if we didn’t become friends. You drew me out of my shell, and I mellowed you out a bit. You were the ying to my yang,

Unfortunately, every friendship has their arguments. Looking back on it, it was so stupid. I don’t even remember what we were fighting about. We didn’t talk for a full three weeks, I remember all of our friends would talk to us separately, trying to get us to talk to one another. But we were both so stubborn. It got to the point that the school counselors got involved and so did our parents. It’s a bit of a blur for me, but I do remember that we made up and were back to being best friends. 

You were there for me, and I was there for you, that’s what made up our friendship. We held each other together like glue. While we didn’t have phones in fifth grade, when I did get one before sixth grade, I immediately needed my mom to call your mom. In middle school we didn’t have many classes together, but we did have the same lunches. You were there to help me figure out why I suddenly stopped eating as much and why there were these girls in the grade above us telling me to kill myself and that I need to lose weight to fit in. I was already a small kid, but to them I wasn’t good enough. I just wanted to be their friend and at one point thought that they genuinely liked me. I held you while you cried and stayed on the phone with you when your mom would pass out after drinking, and then we would have sleepovers to take your mind off of it.

You would sit with me at lunch when I felt like even having ice would make me gain a crap ton of weight, and when I got so sick with worry you would hold my hair for me in the bathroom.

Over the summer we didn’t see each other at all, to this day I still don’t know. However, when the first day of seventh grade happened, we spent all of first block catching up, it felt like we were never apart. I still don’t know why, but something felt different about that year though. There was a looming feeling that I just couldn’t shake hanging over me, and I think you felt it too. We were more distant; we didn’t talk as much. Our friend group had little circles in it, and while the big group met up for lunch, the rest of the day was separated. I made other friends and so did you, but in the end, on the last day of seventh grade. I couldn’t stop crying, no matter what you tried, nothing would cheer me up. The entire friend group was so confused, I was having panic attack after panic attack. Every time I would stop crying for a bit, something would happen, and id start all over again. I know that I was the crybaby or goodie two-shoes in the group, but this was excessive- even for me-. I didn’t know how to tell you that I was moving, and I was such a wimp, that anytime that I would try to get it out, my lungs would feel like they were out of breath and my throat would feel tight. And I just couldn’t say it. So, I didn’t…

There isn’t a day where I don’t regret not telling you or any of our friends, it was the shittest thing I ever did. I guess the moral of the story of recounting our friendship- while leaving out the parts I really don’t want my professor to know- is that I wouldn’t be the person I am today without you, and that I really appreciate the friendship that we had. I hope that someday, if I ever get the courage to send this to you, you read it and feel the same warm, fuzzy feeling that I get. I will admit, I cried multiple times while writing this, and my throat feels the same way you do after having a good cry, but I think that I really needed to get this off my chest. 

I love you, 

Daphie

I thought I’d be dead by now

update

I will be deleting all forms of ed and Ana shit on my account today, it’s time to commit to recovery. Even if that means getting rid of my save space

Thanks for hanging out with me! Was I cool? did you like me? What do you think of me in detail? Do you hate me?

Ana Story

about halfway through my first semester of college I had a friend of mine that I spoke to about my ed, he never judged me and while I knew that he was worried he never tried to force me into recovery- at least at that time- sometimes he forgot that there were some things that triggered me. The time that I talking about was when I started bingeing quite a bit due to stress, anyway to see the scene I had a lot of food on my plate and as I sit down he looks over to me and says” are you gonna eat all that? Can you really handle it? If not I’ll finish it for you” I think he saw the look on my face of pure guilt and regret, because as I tried to take another bite I stopped and pushed the plate away and said “nvm I not hungry anymore”. It wasn’t until later that I got a text from him saying that he didn’t realize that what he said caused me to stop eating and that some of the other people at our table told him that what he said probably made me feel like shit- which it did and I ended up going on a 4 day fast that ended with me fainting in class-

I haven’t spoken to him in a while, mostly because of winter break. He’s a good friend but really wants me to recover eventually, he’s got a bit of a hero complex- which I don’t really mind- he’s super easy to talk to and is a safe space for me. There’s been times when we both couldn’t sleep so we go on hour long walks around campus just talking, then we sit somewhere on campus talking more long into the night. There was this one time that we laid on the concrete infront of the chapel just staring at the night sky, it was so peaceful. id like to experience that at least one more time in my life, just to hear him call me is angel again

This is us laying on the floor in one of the dorm halls kitchen while our friends make cookies, it’s sometime around 1 am at this point. We’re all tired but there’s too much on our minds to sleep, it was strangely peaceful and calming even though we all had so much going on.

there is no more light

there is no more love

and I want to die more and more

Literacy journal #1

what kind of reading and writing and speaking activities did you do after school? for church? for play? did you keep a diary? write plays or stories? write letters? frequent chat rooms online? write fanfiction?

growing up i struggled with reading assignments for school, mostly with reading out loud. however outside of school I was reading nonstop, I was reading above what my teachers thought I could. now when I ask my mom about it, she said that what we were reading in class was boring to me and that is why I never wanted to read the assigned books. 

it wasn't until our 3rd grade class was taken to the library that I started to be more confident in reading at school, I was in there every day before classes and during lunch. the librarian introduced me to the world of harry potter, warrior cats, and maximum ride. I loved to read so much that I had teachers telling me to stop reading during classes.

this love for reading continued into my middle school life, I became fast friends with the librarian at that school and was in there inbetween classes while also eating lunch in there- which we weren't allowed to do without special permission from the librarian. I read every book in the 6-7th grade section, then while my mom worked after school in the nurses office across the school, I got permission to read in that schools library while waiting for her to finish work. I was able to read the books in the 8th grade area that I wasn't able to read in my schools library.

one of my favorite things that happened was in 7th grade, I had history class first block. before that class I would ask my teacher if I could run to drop off my library books and get new ones, as the library was right across the hall and he could see me actively talking to the librarian. this is how he knew I wasn't just trying to skip class. then the next day I would ask him again, it got to the point that he told me that it would be ok for me to miss morning announcements to stay in the library a little longer. and near the end of the year he gave me my very own pass to the library and said that I wouldn't need to ask anymore, but his only rule was that I had to tell him about the books and if I would recommend them.

I think that this experience as well as my parents saying that they would get me any book I wanted as long as I continued to read. books became a way to escape the world around me, as a child with high anxiety and awkwardness. I made friends by reading and found a community that I wasn't afraid to express myself in. to this day I continue to read, although I have expanded my genres.