The Essence Of Time

When you've gone through all sorts of alcohol you could possibly consume, when you've danced to every song on repeat a million times, when the walls start to close in on you, when you've kissed twenty different girls and still feel like shit, call me. Call me so I can bring you back home. My love, every journey has an end and even if you've set course for the wrong ones, come back home. Here, we love, we forgive, we fight and maybe drive each other crazy, but here, there'll always be love. I'll always love you despite everything you've done, despite every reason you've given me to fall out of love with you, to hate you. Come back home, it's been far too long. Come back home because my heart breaks a little everytime I see you with someone new. It breaks because you're looking for a remedy you already have. Just come back home, and we'll make this right again...

© Raina Rose.

His eyes held a glimpse of another world, an ocean of love; one I wish to drown in. The only thing left to do now is surrender. For to be that close to him, you can't help but fall in love, over and over again...

© Raina Rose.

The thing most heartbreaking about it all is falling in love again. It's insanity wanting to repeat the process, taking chances and trying all over again despite the failures and pain, now that, that has to be heartbreaking. To think you've dealt with the worst thrown at you and to crawl back out from under the sheets, with wounds only healing, barely being held by stitches you made half awake in pain, maybe drunk. Why would you want to do it all over again?

To be brave enough to put your heart back out on the line 'cause the last hit and run didn't kill you. Yet. To start a conversation with men who could care less but of course, you manage to convince yourself otherwise in the name of hope these days. To drive yourelf crazy whenever they don't respond or when you get stood up or when you make a comment and that worked before but didn't now and you look stupid for trying. When you do your best to really just be loved but God, they make it so hard.

You get a little more mad each day. Waking up, thinking that the day ahead will hurt less than the day before but we both know that, that statement dissolves away everytime you see him around the corner, creeping into your thoughts and mind with things and words and places that remind you of him. You lose pieces of yourself over time each day and you can barely hold it all together, but you still try anyways.

Then, one day, God gets tired of playing with you so he sends someone your way and just for a bit it seems okay. You don't lose your mind, you start trusting him (because loving wasn't enough) and you tell him things that made you sad, that hurt you, you speak of your demons and pain, not to garner sympathy but in hopes he understands better, in hopes that he will know better. Eventually, you lose track of time and the days drift by and all you do is smile and fill your days with his presence. Slowly, you start falling in love again and when you're completely losing yourself for him, he pulls back without hesitation and now, you're falling, unbound when you should have been held. By the time you realize that you're broken, he's gone, God's laughing and you're back to square one with nothing left but a bleeding mess we call heart, a broken one in fact. Too broken this time around.

So no, the worst always comes after the heartbreak. To be brave enough to try and fail again and maybe there's a beauty in that but it is insanity, really; doing the same things over and over again all while expecting different outcomes. It is heartbreaking. Love is heartbreaking...

© Raina Rose.

How I wish we didn’t part ways. You remain completely intact in my memories and sometimes I wish I could forget you, because it is impossible to think of you without feeling all the pain that came along with the love I once felt for you, and perhaps still do. All it took was one night, a mere six hours and I knew I’d never be the same again but I lost you as soon as I found you. It’s like feeling beautiful and complete one moment and then completely broken and lost the next. How I wish we didn’t part ways because now every time I think of you, I cry without feeling sad, I wince in a pain I do not feel and there is this emptiness in me and I feel so numb, engulfed in the darkness. Your name on my lips feels wrong, your messages don't make me smile like they used to before, your gifts seem like they were sent to me by mistake and everything keeps trying to undo itself while still being a part of me. Like they want to be set free, as though we don’t belong together anymore. Now, it feels like I have to let go even when I don’t completely want to. I fell in love and there wasn't an alternative, you walked away and I didn’t have a say, now all that’s left with me wants to quit and I won’t be holding them back either...

© Raina Rose.

"The night has a thousand eyes,

And the day but one;

Yet the light of the bright world dies,

With the dying sun.

The mind has a thousand eyes,

And the heart but one:

Yet the light of a whole life dies,

When love is done."

Francis William Bourdillon

Maybe I don't understand, not everything, that'd be a lie. For only you'd comprehend your feelings whole and sometimes even we can't understand what we feel, so to say I completely understand would be a total lie. But I do know, what it feels like to wanna be up, to give up that sleep and be invested in a conversation, to risk being sleepy the next day than to sleep and surrender all that could have been. I've been there, those sleepy days may feel terrible but every moment, every conversation of that night keeps me smiling and lifted through the day. Sometimes, there's even a glimmer of excitement hoping for the same the following night.

© Raina Rose.

I've missed plenty, but never this way, it feels like a part of me left and has yet to return. I can't help but feel incomplete whenever I'm not with you.

Come home love,

R.

Dear stranger,

This was what I was afraid of. Like waves that kiss the shore every now and then, though memorable, they can’t stay. After every touch, they have to retreat back into the ocean. We never quite understand if the shore was too much for the waves or if the waves lost breath upon shore. Momentary conversations and all the seashells you left for me have decorated my night sky and are some of my most treasured memories. Relatable experiences and sincere visits made me want to step back into the waters again after a long time. You made me feel that maybe the waters weren’t as scary as they’ve been described to be, and they weren’t as cold as what they may seem. Though blue and deep, it was heartfelt. Blue, the color of calmness, trust, faith, and wisdom. Your depth made me wonder what secrets you held, every visit only made me more curious than the one before. With the reflection of the sky, endless possibilities and journeys, you had me breathless. 

I wish I knew it was the glistening reflection of Sun that blinded me but I wasn’t too sure, so I ventured. You held me firmly, no doubt, but I couldn’t help falling for you. It was your love, none like the ones before that had me stunned, it was your sincerity that made me understand you cared, it was your words that had me floored. But I’m not new to giving into attachments easily, I am a sucker for love. I prepared for the fall that would approach me one day. I braced myself as you took control. I was afraid you’d let go someday, then I’d have to fall back into the chain of unending torment, self-pity and sleepless nights all over again. I’d walked away from all that hurt for the longest time and I can’t believe after everything I’ve been through, I ended up here again. I’ve been holding myself back for the longest time and I didn’t know what it felt like to be loved like that, where I wasn’t wearing a mask and wasn’t lying about myself, where someone loved me for all that I was and saw everything in me for me, as me. 

But that’s the thing with our story, while you glimmered all day, darkness and tranquility sets in as the Sun left your side. Every dusk only reminded me of all the times someone let go of my hands after venturing far into the sea. All that love and kindness did put up a fight with the walls I’ve built around my heart, but I’m glad I didn’t back down, this wasn’t a war to win, but to choose between myself and my own downfall. Though you mean no harm, it is me that I fear most. Journey to the downward spiral never did end well, having known my own demons and torments, I wouldn’t risk slipping again. As much as your darkness scares me, it is my demons that I’m more afraid of. They live inside of me, they linger, waiting for the right moment to pounce, to gain control and to never let go. They used to drive me mad, reminding me of all my attempts at happiness, all my failures, all my sins, and mistakes. Perhaps it is their faces that I see in your reflection these days.  

I hope you can forgive me one day for not returning, for moving further away, for never again being the same. Those conversations we’ve had by the shoreline will always be my favorite, for my love, those were the days I truly let myself fall without realizing. And there’s always a high in falling, but when you fall, it’s inevitable that you crash. It’s a shame it had to come to an end, the way it always does.

© Raina Rose.

It would be a lie if I said I didn't try. Maybe it was late, but it was worth saving. You were worth saving. And sometimes you have to walk away, even from things you love most so that you can save yourself before anything, or anyone else. Is that selfish? Perhaps, but I can never be selfish when it comes to you. So I walked into the forest, danced through fire, breathed air that felt like poison, drank lies, mostly the ones I told myself, slept in cold, lay myself bare, only to find you. And I found you by breaking myself apart. It would be a lie if I said I didn't try...

© Raina Rose.

My dark places and quiet nights are for no one, things I am and the scars I wear aren't stories to be told or shared...

© Raina Rose.