Help Me! Smells Are Triggering Me To Wretch Like A Cat, Noise And All. I Wanna Gag Every Time I Smell

How does one act when they are called a MILF??? 😂😂 So….where are my kid(s)? I did I adopt someone?😂

✦MORE INCORRECT C.o.D QUOTES✦

König: Hell, you could pour soup into my lap and I’ll probably apologize to you- --

Soap: What’s your life motto? Y/N: Hmmm, less a motto, more a general idea. But I run through life with four things in mind. Y/N: Fuck shit up, get shit done, get some glory, and hope for good dick in between. Gaz: *spit take* Soap: *WHEEZE* Ghost: …pretty good motto. Y/N: Thank you!

--

Graves: What are you doing? Y/N, losing their shit: *looking at the sky* Maybe, if I stand here long enough, a FUCK will fall from the SKY and then, I can give it to you. But oh, hey, look, THE SKY AIN’T GIVIN’ NOTHIN! Graves: I- Y/N: NO FUCKS, ANYWHERE, TO GIVE

-- Soap after being insulted by Ghost: ‘do sorta like it when he’s rude to me…hopefully that’s more a psychological defect than a weird sexual thing.

-- Some dickhead: And what's your job? 141 Whore? Y/N: Oh I fuckin' wish. Do you know how much easier of a job that'd be? No field drills, no paperwork, just be a dick receptacle. A fuckin' dream, that'd be. Price: *dissapointed sigh* Soap & Gaz: *WHEEZE* Ghost: *he's not laughing but he kinda wants to*

-- Ghost: Pretty cool, huh, Johnny? *looks and sees Graves beside him* Oh- Graves: Uh, I thought it was pretty cool. Ghost: I don't give a fuck 'bout what you think, Philip.(derogatory)

--

(TW; Unalive mention; but it's in a Gen Z joke way) Someone: Okay uh, what if 141 just...disappeared. Like your team just vanished. What would you do? Y/N, instantly: Oh I'd just *gun to temple hand signal* Easy. Quick decision. Price: Soldier, no- Y/N: Don't die and we won't have a problem. Think of it as more reason to stay alive. All of you. *Points at Ghost* You, specifically, sir. 'm watchin' you. Ghost: ...noted.

--

Ghost, suffering from blood loss: Johnny...you have beautiful eyes Soap: Damnit where's that evAC HE'S LOST HIS MIND

--

Soap: How d'ya feel 'bout gay people? Male!Y/N: ...I am gay- Gaz: He's dodging the question. Soap: HOMOPHOBIC! Male!Y/N: DON'T SHOUT THAT WHAT THE FU-

--

(I saw DILF!Reader headcanons and made an OC from it, I really like DILF/MILF Readers, we need more of them) Ghost: Daddy issues? Psh, I don't have those. Dilf!Y/N: *pats him on the back while passing by* Good job out there, Simon. Ghost, ready to cry whilst also having a boner: God damnit-

--

(In the idea of Y/N being a complete badass on field, maybe even a lil sadistic) Gaz: Hey, before getting into the military, what did you wanna do with your life? Y/N, cleaning dishes: Oh, I wanted to be a homemaker! Soap: ...huh? Y/N: Yeah! Little house, keepin' it clean, cookin' all day. An apron. The whole thing. Alas, God doesn't hand out opportunities for dreams, I was dealt a different hand in life's game of poker, and I had to make it work. So! Here I am. Gaz, remembering the time he watched them decapitate a man: ...a homemaker...right.

--

Y/N: I'm just sayin', one hug from Captain would probably be the equivalent of six years in therapy. Gaz: So...ask for a hug then? Y/N: AHA! No, no I won't do that. That's asking for problems. (Insert situation where Y/N gets said hug) Price: ...are you crying? Y/N: This! This is the problems I mentioned! Gaz: No, no I think this is proof you shoulda asked sooner.

--

Ghost: I don't have favorites. Gaz: You made Soap a lunch. Ghost: And? Y/N: You cut the sandwich in the shape of a cat...and the fruit is cut into stars & hearts. Ghost: Soldiers need balanced meals.

--

Y/N: Yeesh...Why did god have to give Cap such a tiny grabbable waist...seems unfair. Gaz: *chokes on water* Soap: *wheeze cackle* Price: ...pardon? Y/N: Oh shit, did I say that out loud? My bad, G.

--

Graves: Are you supposed to be eye fucking your captain all the time? Y/N: Hey! I don't eye fuck my captain all the time. Graves: You- Y/N: I eye fuck all my teammates, equal opportunity eye fucking, I don't have favorites on my team. Soap & Gaz: *stifling laughter* Price: Can- *sigh* Can we please focus on the mission now?

--

Graves: Were you dropped as a child? Y/N: Bold of you to assume I was held. Price: Soldier- Soap: Oh, no that's- Gaz: *wince* Ghost: ...heh. Y/N: *points* Ahaaaa, he gets it!

Dinner’s In The Oven

Dinner’s In The Oven

Tony Stark X Pregnant!Reader

Prompt(s) from anonymous: Tony x reader where tony is super busy working on new designs in his lab and the reader hints at being pregnant but tony is too busy and oblivious until he puts the pieces together?? Thanks love!

Note(s): This is so freaking cute!! After that clip in the beginning of Infinity War, I know that Tony would be so excited to have a child with the love of his life. I tried to make it fluffy, haha. Enjoy, dearies!

Warning(s): Fluff.

Word Count: 1,105.

(y/n) bit their lip and looked down at the test in their hand for the fifth time. They worried that perhaps they’d read the sign wrong, but nope, there it was, still as clear as day. Positive, it told them.

Without a doubt, as told by the three other discorded tests, (y/n) was pregnant.

J.A.R.V.I.S., ever vigilant, picked up on (y/n)’s anxiety. He knew the way they paced and bit at their lip when something was bothering them. Knowing that Sir would appreciate him stepping in, he said, “(y/n), it would be a good idea to infirm Sir. I believe he would be quite overjoyed at the news.”

A smile managed to grace their lips. Grateful, because J.A.R.V.I.S. knew them so well. “Yeah? I certainly wasn’t going to keep it from him. Any idea how to tell him? He’s down in his lab working right now. Almost nothing can tear him from that.”

“In everything that he does, you are his primary reason. I recommend walking down and sitting him down for a talk. He’d listen.”

(y/n) rolled their eyes but knew that the AI had a point. With a word of thanks, they headed for the elevator. Just the minute ride down to the lab was enough to work up their nerves again. Seeing Tony, however, running from hologram to hologram, soothed every fear that plagued their heart. 

“Hey (y/n)!” Tony called, sparing them a glance before he rushed over to another hologram. There was a fiery spark in his eye. It seemed he was going hard at his current project. 

“Hey honey. What are you working on?”

The grin on Tony’s face widened. “Nanotech! It’s going to be the next step in advancing the Iron Man technology.”

(y/n) hummed as they leaned against the closest worktable. Their stomach brushed against it’s surface, and just the thought of the baby growing inside them brought butterflies swarming again. Good butterflies, though, they knew.

“When can you take a brief break? I’d hate to tear you away from something urgent.”

Tony waved his hand in dismissal. “I can take a break in like, five minutes. I just have to finish polishing the design. Hey, do you know what we’re having for dinner tonight?”

A flicker of an idea formed. Tony liked puzzles, right? And he was obviously still obsessed with working, running around as he talked. If they just dropped a few clues, he’d get it eventually. (y/n) smirked to themselves as they pretended to think over dinner ideas. 

“Uh, I don’t know, but we should make something nice and big. You know, I’ve been so hungry recently. It’s almost like I’m eating for two, haha!”

“You have been eating a lot recently,” Tony mused. “You’ve also been eating some weird combinations, but hey, who am I to argue? Some people are eating pineapples on pizza of all things. Wicked souls!” He tisked, albeit teasingly. 

“I have been eating some weird stuff, huh? Some things just taste good together, you know? Sometimes they make me nauseous though. It’s been happening to me randomly throughout the day.”

That wasn’t a lie. The random bouts of sickness were what had drawn (y/n) to take the pregnancy test anyways. Tony was convinced that it was food poisoning from the combinations. He argued that some foods just weren’t meant to go together. Pregnancy made much more sense, however.

Tony chuckled as he typed away on one of the various computers around the room. “It’s almost like you’re pregnant, (y/n)!” “Seems like it, huh?” They laughed, knowing that he was mere millimeters from the truth. “Could you imagine that, Tony? Waiting to becoming a father, picking out names while we wait, designing a baby room. You’d be so excited when they’d arrive, to have them follow you around the tower.”

Tony hummed, thoughtfully, as he closed down two holograms. He wondered towards the next few to close them too. (y/n) could spot the fond smile that tugged at his cheeks. “Have I told you about those daydreams that often?” 

“Perhaps,” (y/n) said. They furrowed their brows, suddenly doubting something. They glanced over towards their husband as he finished closing down every hologram. “You’d be excited if that were to become a reality… right?”

“Of course!” Tony said, sounding only slightly offended. Finally, he brought (y/n) in for a hug and peppered their face with kisses he meant to give them as soon as they’d come down. (y/n) giggled when he nosed into the juncture of their neck, pressing more kisses where he could. 

(y/n) ran a hand through his hair. Well, it was either now or never. Willing their hands not to shake, they pulled his forehead to theirs and pressed a kiss to his lips. When they both parted they whispered, “So what if I told you I had a bun in the oven for dinner tonight?”

Tony blinked. Then blinked again. A gigantic smile spread over his face as everything just seemed to click.

“Wait… for real? Like, for real for real?”

“Yes!” (y/n) laughed. Tears welled up in their eyes as it finally hit them. They were pregnant. They were going to have a family with Tony. A beautiful child made by the two of them. It was real and happening and no longer a daydream they told each other about. 

(y/n) squealed as Tony picked them up and twirled them around the room. He pressed more and more kisses to (y/n)’s lips, who reciprocated likewise and wrapped their arms around his neck. He was rubbing his hands over (y/n)’s stomach, compulsively, as though he were in a trance. His brown eyes were wide with both disbelief and utter excitement.

“When did you find out?”

“Just a few minutes ago. J.A.R.V.I.S. said I should just come down.”

Tony purred as he placed another kiss on (y/n)’s lips. “I knew I could always count on him. Would you like a celebratory dinner, my darling? Take-out, movies, and cuddling on the couch while we look up names?”

“Tony Stark, that sounds wonderful.”

The inventor picked up his pregnant spouse without hesitation. J.A.R.V.I.S. ordered the take-out as the happy couple settled in for a night of research and cuddles. In eight short but torturously long months, all those daydreams were going to come true. For the both of them, it was most definitely a dream come true. 

Proving a point to my boyfriend.

PLEASE REBLOG if you (male or female) believe it is perfectly okay and natural for a guy of any age to cry

Hot people have tummy problems! 🥺(And im mad at the gov.) 😂😂

how they make you cum - ateez

tumblr is based on a system of reblogs, not likes. please reblog my work.

warnings : overstimulation, fingering, oral, daddy kink, praise, degradation, mean dom yeosang, spitting in wooyoungs, big dick yungi

wc : 1.1k

a/n : i haven’t done hcs since my tokrev days and i gave up making that moodboard :(

Keep reading

This fucking migraine is gonna be the death of me.

🎀💞

I just know that Simon Riley wants his face sat on🤭

nsfw below the cut 🪷 mdni

You'd always been a little shy when it came to sex, understandably so considering that your boyfriend was a real life Adonis, some kind of cruelly beautiful deity come to taunt you for your prudishness. Obviously, you and Simon had done it, you'd fucked countless times when he came back from deployments or frustrated from debriefings gone bad, but it was always, for lack of a better word, tame. You'd always assumed, given his past, that he wouldn't be down to have sex, period. The beginning of your relationship was a minefield of navigating boundaries and understanding the complexity of the beautiful man you got to share your bed with. What you foolishly failed to recognise, however, is that whist you subconsciously saw Simon as wounded, he saw your fragility as clear as day, like a ripple under the surface of clear water.

He'd aways been so impossibly gentle with you, even when you'd wanted things differently, too afraid to ask him and send Simon spiralling back into that dark place he'd only recently been pulled from.

"Want you to fuck my face." Simon's deadpan voice snaps you from your reverie, brings you back to where you lay sprawled and waiting in the centre of your shared bed.

"I'm sorry?" You barely manage to splutter, propping yourself up on your elbows to look at where he sits patiently between your knees, not even needing to look down to your panties to know that your cunt is already dripping.

"Fuck, love." The sound of his exasperated sigh makes you feel like you've done something wrong, but the almost pained crinkle of his eyes confuses you. "You need me to spell it out? I'd like you to sit on my face and let me eat you out." Simon's words make you choke, jaw hanging agape as you process the fact that not only is he willing to take such a step in your sexual relationship, but also that he's so seemingly comfortable with the idea of you essentially fucking his face. Sure, he's eaten you out before, but never in such a compromising way. "Are you -" A soft kiss being placed to the sensitive skin of your inner thigh is enough to silence you as you look down at Simon practically grovelling between your legs.

"If you don't want to, you can say no, baby." "It's not that I don't want to. I just don't want to - fuck." You huff, slumping back against the mattress with a sigh as you struggle to find the words you need to express the way you feel. "You don't want to fuck?" He smirks wickedly at you, one hand still cradling your outer thigh as he presses his cheek to the warm skin, trying to lighten the mood. Ease you up a bit. "Simon." "Tell me what you're thinking. I'll make it make sense." God he's always so unbearably patient. It almost has you in tears.

"I just - I'm not so confident with stuff like that, you know? I mean it took us six months of having sex for me to even feel comfortable enough to ride you. Now you want me to sit on your face?"

Simon's eyes soften at your reasoning, and he practically drags himself up the bed until he's face to face with you, propping himself up on his elbows to stare down at your face, so beautifully flushed and bashful.

"If you don't want to do it, that's fine, but I need you to know, that I look at you and get hard okay? You're the most beautiful thing I've seen. Ever. If I died by being suffocated between your legs? Fuckin' kill me already, yeah?"

His words have you giggling softly as you play with his hair, distracting yourself from the burning arousal in the pit of your tummy.

"Okay." You nod, slowly, meeting his eye to make sure that he sees you're serious. "You don't have to say yes if you're not sure." "I'm sure, but can we go slow?" "Of course, baby. We can do whatever you feel comfortable with."

It doesn't take long for you to be sat nervously on Simon's hips, clothes piled on the floor, discarded in order for you to sit naked atop him, bottom lip pulled nervously between your teeth. "Do I just -" You point awkwardly between the general vicinity of your cunt to Simon's face, heart fluttering when you catch the way he gazes up at you like some sort of statue, some masterpiece. "Mhm." He nods slowly, pupils blown impossibly wide, the chocolate of his gaze turning almost entirely black. You feel his massive palms take your hips, guiding you up to your knees before settling your slick cunt just over his face.

"Sit." He grunts when he doesn't immediately feel the press of you against his mouth, his nose barely touching your puffy clit. "What if I hurt you?" "I'll let you know. Now, sit." Before you know it, his fingers are digging into your hips, leaving you gasping at the suddenly overwhelming sensation of his entire lower face stuffed against your pussy.

"Holy sh-" You whine, already beginning to roll your hips in search of stimulation, all whilst Simon gives a contented hum which rumbles through you and has you clenching around nothing. His hands guide your hips in their rhythm as his tongue licks a flat stripe between your wet folds, leaving you stuttering and your eyes rolling back, all whilst you grip onto his hair like of you let go he'll disappear entirely.

He sets a languorous pace with his tongue, eating at you like you're his final meal, hands digging firmly at the meat of your ass whilst he uses the slight bump at the bridge of his nose to press up against your clit, making you dizzy. Whilst he uses both hands to guide you, you use the hand not tangled into his hair to roll a hardened nipple between your thumb and forefinger, the sensation going straight to your pussy and making you gasp. Simon, perceptive as ever, notices your want and pushes his tongue inside you to push just that little bit further - and he can tell that you're close by the way your thighs clench around his ears and the fact that you're wonderfully more vocal than usual.

Similarly, sensing your oncoming orgasm, you desperately attempt to pull yourself off of him, all of a sudden shy about cumming on his face like you haven't done it countless times before. Your wriggling is met with a small slap to your ass which has you seeing stars as the small sting snaps the elastic band stretching taut in your lower belly, and Simon laps up every bit that you'll give him.

"Didn't think that men like me got to go to heaven." Simon sighs when you both lay sprawled and happy in bed together.

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆

I did not intend to write 1.1k of smut when I opened my laptop this evening but boundaries and communication are just so !! sexy !!

N e ways I'll just leave this here for y'all💕

i’m so fucken sick and i’m exhausted. Don’t know what I’ve got. Could be the absolute piss yellow clouds of pollen? absolutely! Could I have gotten something from the little brats that were near me open mouth coughing- that was definitely a sick cough? yup!

What’s going on in my Twitter/X DMs??? I need to be sedated.