Tree

Light Pollution

Staring at the dark ceiling

I have it memorized

If only the glow in the dark stars were real constellations

I’d know my way around them by now

I’m a night owl; a nocturnal creature dealing

A toilet flushing down the hall

Brings me back to my punishment of being under aged

Being owned by your parents

They call it custody

I call it a prison of musty walls

I'm allergic to the stuffy skeleton of this house

Keeping the keys quiet so I don’t get in trouble

Deep trouble

For something so little

In comparison of the big picture and the hole in my blouse

I need to get away from the light pollution

So I can shine brighter than my cousins

Two stars, and I get compared to them

It’s inevitable because I'm trapped being related

Because I must be part of the salty solution

I must get away from the people asking me why I'm not shining,

While my surface is burning hotter than magma

Waiting to explode

Letting the pressure you put in me develop,

Into diamonds I will wear while going out with a special one dining

Letting some steam off in a perfect sun storm

I'm fast and burn hard

But I wait like a cat about to pounce

You won’t see it coming before you're in a ring of flames

You can’t freeze my flames out, with your heart so cold you still can’t even make the temperature go from hot to warm

Dominos

After I goof for one night

Just for delight

All the dominoes started to fall

After I grew them so tall

I can't stop them from falling

Even after all the other times its still appalling

They continue

Like they have sinew

Until I get up and face it

I still don't have a permit

By then it's too late

The dominoes I try to berate

I must start building from the bottom up

Dear depression, just shut up

It seems like I finally got my dominoes straight

I lost my marbles then stepped on one, how great?!

They fall down like words from my brain right to the page

Spreading like bacteriophage

The world seems to be running out of words

We're not moving forwards

They get used up as they fall

Some I can't recall

It's all my fault that one fell

Should I tell?

Everyone thinks that all of them falling was my fault

But there's some left over words in the vault

It was just one goof night

Just for delight

If there was more space they wouldn't have fell

Turns out I didn't tell

What do you expect from a curious 16 year old?

Especially one who doesn't like fitting the mold

Lately I have had steady hands near the domino line

That was divine

Now all I can hear is the dominoes falling with that smooth ticking

The ones left standing you can find me kicking

As the white contrast with the black dots turn grey

What in the world will I say?

It was one goof night,

Full of delight

They are falling so speedily, I am unable to rack up the dots

All I see is flashing spots

I need a partner in crime

They could help me keep my black and white straight in time

The only thing left for me to do is sit back and stair

If the polka dotted towers had more air they might not have flared

I plead that it was just one goof night

That was full of delight

Refusing To Blossom

I'm like a confused squirrel searching for my nuts

I'm a butthole without the butt

A dark, endless hole

A dip in the dirt without the mole

A pencil without lead

With that said, I'm missing parts

Not completely broken apart

Damaged

I manage

I'm strong, holy cow!

I'll never be able to answer the question of, How? I don't know if I'm truly living or just surviving

Do I need more reviving?

I refuse to go knocking from door to door

Now I do know what I'm looking for

What am I to do,When I meet with the morning dew? I'll hop along like young grasshoppers

Pointed anteater noses are the real heart stoppers

As annoying as a fly

Every time, I swear, I'll get by

I'm half a nerd

I refuse to blossom and sing like a bird

I Am Slipping

I am slipping

Out of reach

And it’s freeing

But depression

Is slipping

Through the cracks

In my voice

My non binary

Voice of being

Gaily befuddled

I found myself

Laying on the floor

Staring at the ceiling

And that’s how I have conference meetings with depression

I want to

Be okay

With the present

But hold on a moment

I need to take

A call

A conference one

I want to feel real

Again

And I don’t know the next time I will  

I want to take a tired walk

To the kitchen

And smash a few

Plates

And fall

Into

A ghost’s arms

I cant always be my own hero

Super girl is only so good

I just might have to call up gut girl

Because she can at least stomach me at my worst

I feel behind in life

And its so hard

To not compare myself to others

Because maybe my life

Isn’t a highway

Like other people’s lives are

I’d much prefer to enjoy the view and stare at natural beauty

I don’t get

The constant rush

That society puts on us

Maybe that’s why I like to lay on the floor

And stare blankly at the ceiling

But then my thoughts start rolling like thunder

And the cycling begins…

Wholeness

I feel comfortable right now

In this moment

I’m warm

I’m tired

I’m not freaking out

I feel like a little kid in this state of innocence

But this moment has just been ruined by my colon

In other words

I have to poop

Fucking mother nature

You must be laughing at me

But since tomorrow is my birthday

I suppose I should let you have a laugh

But please be careful

With your volcanoes

And your avalanches

But thank you for this moment

Full of my favorite things,

Music,

Warmth,

Fuzzy blanket,

Yarn,

Silly conversations with friends,

A head of ideas,

And lastly,

A feeling of completeness

Or wholeness

Dead in a Shallow Puddle

The face of it

The eyes fully open as if it was looking for something in me

The short hair sticking straight up, floating in the gentle movement

of the little puddle

But the eyes, cold, ice, blue

I dared to touch the dead person's face

I could see the sky, wind, water in those blue eyes

Wondering what their story might have been

The eyes were still alive, searching

You could tell that the body was withering away

In those eyes there was everything but fire

The bones becoming visible

There was nothing scary in those eyes

Who left them behind like this?

You could tell from their eyes that the person was gentle but they were too

delicate,

Like frosting on a cake

What was the last thing those rich eyes saw?

How many winters?

His eyes give me meaning

Something to live for even though he is dead

But his eyes stay awake

Then it hit me like a sword in the throat, he did it to himself

But his eyes are so big and beautiful

Why did he do that?

Those eyes of ice

His body was ice

His eyes spoke of sweet passions and dreams

He must have been a hard worker

But I fell in live with those eyes of ice

My heart will forever be frozen in time

His eyes alive

If only by miracle he came back to life

My eyes are locked with his

I always fall in love with something I can't have

Why must my eyes do that?

It’s Over

I cant believe its over

The ending came; it came without a warning; It came just this morning

And its all over now

I always knew the end of the tunnel,

Would come eventually

And its all over now

But I guess that I thought

The end would never come for me

And its all over now

The three year old is finally free

And scared

And its all over now

All those years of being held prisoner

All those moments stuck with mean dicktators

And its all over now

I was just doing my time,

Of a little shy of 20 years

And its all over now

Before I had come to the conclusion

That I had gotten a life sentence

And its all over now

Still stressed but now I can breath,

A little deeper

And its all over now

Part of me wants to go back because now I don’t know what to do,

Without someone yelling commands at me

And its all over now

On me own

All alone, just how I wanted it, right?

And its all over now

I can finally rip part of this crowded box open,

Shed my fake skin I had to plastered to myself just to survive

And its all over now

I want something different

I cant stand having the same ticky-tacky exterior of everyone else, of 9-5 days

And its all over now

T-20 years and still counting

I feel ripped off

And its all over now

Rachel

Those damn ex’s

Leave your brain perplexed

Walks lightly

Thinks brightly

Favorite color is green

Just like a spleen

Understands your weird, random metaphors

Doesn’t waste her time and energy knocking down unnecessary doors

The grand piano player

Has many layers

Some that I’ll probably never get to see

Gave away her key

Seems pretty sophisticated

Good fated

Always saying that everyone has their own fight

Not afraid to spend the night

Looking out for me

Lets my thoughts be

She’s courageous

She’s contagious

You’ll always want her around

Leaves you thinking new thoughts like why don’t you just push off the ground

What are you hiding under there?

Doesn’t take a stupid dare

Goes beyond

Knows about that dirty mucky messed up pond

Promises you that you can fly

Look at those blue eyes

Deep

Proves the secrets that she keeps

Fell and scraped her knee

Got stung by the swarm of stinging bees

But stood

To show life that she could

So smart

She’s off the chart

So much more to learn

In life there are so many places to turn...

Hands

When I put my hands together it didn’t feel right,

Because it’s not your hand that’s in my hold

In the middle of the night,

I am cold

At most

I get to hold your ghost

At the movies we held hands

I thought you'd turn into air between my fingers, that is not something I could stand

I am so attached,

To how we matched

If I told my male guardian about you, he might attack,

And be on my back,

Riding me like a bull, steering me crazy

Get off me; my vision is not hazy

I see the red flags

You give me tightly packed, zipped up, emotional bags

I should take the hint and move on

I’ll take my luggage with me

Put on my big girl shoes and be gone

You'll never see,

You’ve hurt me so many times and I never learn

On you, I can’t place the blame

I still don’t get why you make my stomach churn

What a shame

What I don’t want him to know is that I have a blue jay

If he knew, he’d try to convince my eyes to see that blue jays are mean

I have a bird, isn’t something I'm going to say

I won’t listen because I'm a rebel; towards blue jays I'll lean

I don’t want to stop holding your hand

It feels like sand

Mine are softer than expected

I don’t know about you but I feel connected

Two Types of Fallen

Have I fallen out of love?

I hope not

Love is what I for so long have sought

Have we gotten out of the honey moon part of a relationship?

Maybe I should have stayed in doors with penny, used napkin and chip Or is it my depression and you trying to get over Alex?

I'm not giving up on our love yet

Will Wednesday solve our problems, when we have set?

What you don't know and might not understand is that it is normal for me to disappear

I will always come back, never fear Hopefully you'll be there

My heart beats like a drum

Sometimes I go numb

I wish that you could understand more

I don't complain to you because I don't want to be a bore When I become numb

Your love will be the first thing I'll feel

For now I must deal

I refuse to let you go

I love you, I want you to know No I'm not just saying that

Let's not forget that us and our double dates are a band

Let's not forget what it feels like to be poor but own all of earth's land

With my music

I won't totally lose it.