Michelle C.

But let's be honest,

it wasn't that you loved me,

it was simply that you needed me

to complete your checklist.

You needed me to listen to your stories

and tell you that you are right,

and keep your ego

always polished and shiny.

And it wasn't that I loved you,

I just wanted so desperately to be wanted.

I needed to feel leaned on,

and wanted you to fill my ache.

I was so young and misguided,

that I didn't know what love was,

or how to even apply it.

I didn't even know that love was missing

between us.

oh, i am finally old enough to know why my parents took so long to grab their coats. why they would ask us to get ready to go only to sit down for another round of coffee. what would i tell myself, at 10 years old? it’s okay. sit down with them too. take in the extra hour with your friend and her family. when you get home, write down every moment in your diary. one day you will be older and you will be waving goodbye to your best friend, and you will turn the key to start your beat up little car engine, and you will look back over your shoulder. her hair will be blowing in the wind and she will be beautiful and you will be, for a moment, struck by all of it. what you will feel is so wide and nameless that it will engulf you. and you will think of being 14 and kicking her under the table in math every time you wanted to whisper something behind the teacher’s back. you will think about how long the days felt, and how you could hold her hand whenever you wished, but you didn’t. and you will think about all of the people you could have lingered with. and you will wish, more than you have ever felt a wish, that the universe just gave you that - more time to linger. more time to say - i love you. i know i need to leave, but i don’t want to leave you. and when i go, i am leaving a piece of my heart that lingers too. 

one more round of coffee. the days are so short, and you are so lovely.

Powerful stuff here. One of the biggest things for me was realizing that I had been in survival mode for years, something that kept me from developing close friendships with others during my teen years and early 20s. There is some interest now, but time also has moved on.

Progress is still progress!

It doesn't matter if you hadn't done the things you were supposed to do. It doesn't matter that if you finished 1 thing out of 4 things. You don't have 3 more things to do, you have 1 less thing to complete.

It doesn't matter if you had relapsed after a day or 3 of productivity and healing into a spiral again. What matters is that you get back up and start again. Because now you're a bit stronger and more resilient than before.

It doesn't matter if all you did today was getting out of bed, eat and change your clothes while you did nothing else. Appreciate yourself and give yourself the credit you deserve for doing those small things.

It doesn't matter if the only thing you did today was to focus on existing and on yourself alone. Be proud of surviving till the end of the day because you made it through knowing that there was a possibility of you not making it.

Progress is still progress. It doesn't matter if you take small or big steps. You're taking a step and that's all that matters.

Focusing on what’s rooted in reality has reduced so much of my overthinking time. If a friend is already out of my life, there’s no point dissecting our interactions from back when we were friends. If I already broke up w someone, there’s no point thinking about the could-have-beens because they will never happen. If I’m into someone but it wouldn’t work for whatever reason, then it just doesn’t. Something just is or just isn’t. There’s a lesson to take from everything but I also don’t want to use that as a catch-all excuse of getting into the weeds for something when the weeds have already been cut off and it doesn’t even matter anymore

One key part of relationships (platonic, romantic, etc) is communication. We all hear this. It’s said constantly. Communication.

But there’s a difference between proper communication and well… not proper communication.

There’s a difference between saying:

“I’m feeling insecure because my brain is being rude. It’s not your fault, but could you please give me some reassurance?”

And

“I’m so worthless. No one cares about me. Why do I even try?”

If you want someone to be there for you, please ask them. Don’t hint at it. Don’t guilt at it. I know asking directly can be scary but it is usually so much less draining for both of you than having to play a guessing game. The latter example is not proper communication. You may think the message is clear, but other people’s minds don’t work the same as yours. With that said, maybe the message is clear but the person feels really drained by the way you’re going about it and won’t engage because of that. And that’s super valid. 

If you have needs in a relationship, please communicate them clearly and don’t expect people to read your mind. 

Examples of Irrational Thoughts/Cognitive Distortions:

These are common errors in thinking. And sometimes these distortions can cause us distress or other strong emotions.

Black and White Thinking: This is all or nothing thinking. For example, if you see yourself as failing at one thing, you think it makes you a failure at everything. "I didn't pass my driver's test. I can't ever do anything right."

Overgeneralization: This is where if one thing happens that is bad, you assume all things will be bad. For example, "I woke up late this morning. This day is doomed to be terrible."

Ignoring the Positive: You disqualify any positive and focus on the negative. Maybe you got an A on a test, but are disregarding that because you messed up somewhere else.

Jumping to Conclusions: You ignore facts in favour of your own interpretations. You may assume your friend hates you despite them inviting you to the movies the day before because they gave you a short response.

Mind Reading: This is making a conclusion about how someone else is feeling. "My friend hates me. I can tell."

Possibilities to Cope with Irrational Thoughts / Cognitive Distortions

Check the Facts: Here’s a post I wrote on this.

Challenging Irrational Thoughts: Here’s a post I wrote about this.

Examine the Evidence: Here’s a post on this.

You’ll likely find that most of these possibilities are very similar. One of the more common ways to deal with thoughts like the above is to use evidence and logic because it gives our brain something solid to use. Just telling ourselves that our thoughts aren’t real isn’t often helpful enough whereas evidence can help make it more convincing.

I’m going to include a couple other links I think may be helpful:

Emotional Permanence: Here’s a post on it. This one I think is important to understand because if we lack emotional permanence then it makes it that much easier to forget about anything other than the feelings in the current moment which make reinforce any negative thoughts.

Needing Reassurance: Sometimes our distorted thoughts lead us to second guessing our loved ones. Here’s a post about that, how to cope with it, and how to get reassurance in a healthy way if needed.

Some General Tips:

Learn about the different types of irrational thinking and cognitive distortions. (I don’t have them all listed). Being able to recognize them can be helpful itself. I find when I’m able to realize it’s a cognitive distortion, I’m able to move beyond it easier.

Keep a list of our accomplishments that you add to. This can be helpful in times we need reminders if we often have thoughts about us being a failure anytime we make a mistake.

Keep screenshots of loved ones and/or lists of things they’ve done that make you feel cared for. This can be helpful if we often have doubting thoughts about loved ones as a result of our cognitive distortions.

Think about what you’d tell a friend. If a friend failed a test, would I think they were a failure?

Sit with the discomfort. Sometimes, we know a thought is irrational and all we can do is get through it. Telling myself “it’s an irrational thought. I can sit with it. I don’t need to act on it” can be helpful. Acting on my feelings to irrational thoughts often damages my relationships or has other negative effects. But as uncomfortable as the thoughts are, learning to just sit with them instead of acting on them prevents some negative consequences.

Journaling. You can journal about your thoughts and feelings for a set amount of time a day and then mark the irrational thoughts. This can help us learn to recognize them when we’re having them.

Focus on something else. Sometimes the thoughts are too distressing and the best thing we can do is distract ourselves. You could reach out to a friend, watch a favourite show, enjoy an activity, etc.