Stephanie Foo, What My Bones Know: A Memoir Of Healing From Complex Trauma

alternatives to “i want to die”:

i want things to change

i want a different life

today was a shitty day/week

i don’t want to live like this

i want to be somewhere else in life

i’m not where i want to be yet

+ much more

Jess Sharp

35

They’re fascinated by the plane’s crash as much as the takeoff.

To some extent, I think people maybe enjoy watching reality shows (such as the ones on TLC) in hopes of witnessing someone act erratically or have a breakdown or behave in a way that makes the viewer feel better about themselves. “At least I’m not that bad.” I have friends who watch those shows and have said as much about their motivations for watching. Maybe this is normal. I can’t blame anyone for wanting some form of reassurance that they aren’t “like that” and that they’re fairly normal. This is based on limited information. It’s hard to fathom how many different events a person has gone through in their life. I still remember new things I had forgotten over the years. Some of them make me cringe.

But when is life a straight path from A to B? We don’t know the circumstances that led to someone being the way they are, not unless they provide that information. It’s never simple. Speculation can be cruel, if not outright harmful. There are some things people don’t learn or haven’t learned yet. My parents tried. It’s complicated when you’re raised by people who have to grow through their own immaturity and formative events. Both of them went through heavy circumstances, as did a few of my grandparents. What do you do when you’re growing up with parents and grandparents who didn’t have tools to cope with their own traumas?

They tried. I’m trying. I don’t know if it’s possible to come back from being so socially inept that I don’t realize what I’m saying doesn’t come off as well-intended as I think it does or that people need breaks from me or that someone stepping back to think about a situation doesn’t mean that they hate me or stopped loving me. But I do know that I can and need to make an effort to be warm, to try to understand. It’s my responsibility to heal no matter how upsetting it is to be in this situation. How many times have I hurt someone else with my incompetence? Probably many.

I often wonder how many others are like me or used to be like this, if it’s possible to change. I think my inner child wants to accept love and to give it back. I don’t know how. Sometimes I get the feeling that people don’t believe me.

The loss of my father is sinking in. He had nothing but love for his family and friends. I sorely wish I could have been as personable and loving as he was. He could talk to anyone. He helped everyone as much as he could. I wish things would have been different. So much of it.

And I wonder how many people out there have faced a similar struggle or are still grappling with their demons. Sometimes it’s a very public struggle, and sometimes you’d never guess it was happening because they keep it quiet. You don’t want to put it out there at the risk of being rejected. But then it’s not always easy to hold it in. I hate my explosive episodes, the fear, the paranoia that if I let people get too close they will hurt me or that they’re planning to hurt me.

Then there’s the ever present feeling of having no place in the world. Do I belong here? Why am I not normal and what’s it like to be normal? Do people compare their worst behaviors to mine and thank whoever for not being like me?

Show me someone who hasn’t fucked up. Show me who someone who has never erred. Show me someone who can honestly claim that they’ve never hurt someone without meaning to do so.

We are flawed.

You’re always growing. 🌼

"why should I get invested in shows if they'll just get canceled" I was deeply invested in Heroes (2006) and it was not canceled, it just got really terrible. I also got really invested in the sandwich I had a few weeks ago despite it only lasting like 15 minutes. You must embrace the ephemeral. You must be willing to love things that may not love you back, that might betray you, or that may die an untimely death. As the great philosopher Mr. Mitchell Lee Hedberg said "I'm not gonna stop doing something because of what happens at the end."

that comment about how you should not borrow grief from the future has saved me multiple times from spiraling into an inescapable state of anxiety. like every time i find myself thinking about how something in the future could go wrong i remember that comment and i think to myself: well i never know, it might get better. it might not even happen the way i think it will and if it does happen and it is sad and bad ill be sad about it then, when it happens. and it’s somehow soo freeing