Strongshape - Mishmash

To my fellow survivors who weren’t believed, were dismissed or invalidated. 

I’m here and I believe you. What you went through was very real and what you feel is completely valid. 

You deserved so much better. 

the "feeling like something is wrong with you that you have to hide" background noise is often a result of childhood trauma because an abused or neglected child who doesn't rationalize their mistreatment runs the risk of alienating themselves from what little shelter and care is actually being provided. it's theorized that blaming yourself at that age is a way to survive by coming up with a justification for why you're being abused so you don't blame your caregivers for your own suffering, thereby alienating them to the point that you are fed or sheltered or protected even less than you are currently. believing you may be able to "change" so that you're worthy of love also prevents despair/giving up. it's of utmost importance to the survival of very small children to develop a worldview that keeps them alive, even if it's by totally magical thinking and at the cost of their ability to perceive reality or navigate normal human relationships. the same thing can happen to adults in abusive domestic situations.

anyway once you're out of that situation it's time to get really pissed off

This goes out to the survivors who haven't spoken up because they're afraid of not being believed,

I believe you.

To the survivors who have been called a liar, or been told things like "maybe you just misunderstood,"

I believe you.

To the survivors who haven't been believed because the other person is so well loved or well respected by others,

I believe you.

To those who have been silenced, shoved aside, or ignored,

I believe you.

To any and all survivors,

I believe you. I believe you. I believe you.

Arthur Rimbaud (b. 20 October 1854)

“I’m not into convincing people I’m worthy. I’m into people who’ll convince me on my worst days that I’m still worth the world.”

— Reyna Biddy

But let's be honest,

it wasn't that you loved me,

it was simply that you needed me

to complete your checklist.

You needed me to listen to your stories

and tell you that you are right,

and keep your ego

always polished and shiny.

And it wasn't that I loved you,

I just wanted so desperately to be wanted.

I needed to feel leaned on,

and wanted you to fill my ache.

I was so young and misguided,

that I didn't know what love was,

or how to even apply it.

I didn't even know that love was missing

between us.

You will not stay stuck in the same patterns forever. You are capable of change. It might be small and you may not be able to see the change day to day, but over time things will get better.

it’s like insane that an ancient writer knew the words i needed to hear a thousand years on and could see me through all that time but also. it’s not surprising in the least bc they felt as i felt and they sang as i sang and they did everything i’ve ever done there is no state of being which they have not already passed i am nothing new i am not alone and that is a great joy to know