Neil Josten You Are My Favourite Cunt Ever Like That Man Was Really On His Deathbed Being TORTURED And

i want aaron to smile. i want him to go to medical school and get his first apartment and live with katelyn and i want them to get an aquarium with a whole bunch of cool brightly colored fish and i want him to get to specialise in the area of medicine he wants to and when they're studying for their exams he and kate have post it notes of terminology and memorizations stuck all over the walls of their apartment. i want aaron to learn how to cook and learn what he likes what his comfort foods are i want him to have a dog, lily, that curls up at the end of the bed at night i want him to call nicky every week just like he promised i want him to have a little fox paw fridge magnet that katelyn got and he didn't object to i want there to be photographs in the hallway of his college graduation, of him and katelyn getting their puppy, of them getting engaged, getting married. i want aaron to get a job and love it i want him to be really good at staying calm when he's talking to his patients i want him and katelyn to drive to work together i want them to babysit kevin's daughter i want them to have date nights and see movies together and spend their anniversary at the beach where they got engaged. i want aaron to send pictures of his dog to the foxes' groupchat, i want him to smile when dan asks to dogsit for eternity, i want him to laugh at dinners with his colleagues, i want him to stay in touch with his friends from med school and spend birthdays with them. i want him to text andrew with just stuff about his life, pictures of birds he saw when he was walking lily that morning, i want him to be able to talk to his family without it hurting. i want aaron to get to life his life without being tied down by his guilt and his grief i want him to stop seeing blood when he falls asleep i want him to smile i want him to laugh i want aaron to breathe easier and start living instead of surviving

You just don't get him like I do.

Wymack pulled a bottle of vodka out of the bag and put it down beside Kevin. “You have ten seconds to inhale as much of this as you can. I’m timing you. Go.” It was alarming how much a man could drink when he needed an emotional crutch. Wymack had to pry the bottle from Kevin’s desperate fingers afterward.

Kevin was silent for an endless minute, then said, “You should be  Court.” It was barely a whisper, but it cut Neil to the bone. It was a resentful goodbye to the bright future Kevin had wanted for Neil. Kevin recruited Neil because he believed in  Neil’s potential. He brought him to the Foxes intending to make a star athlete out of him. Despite his condescending attitude and his dismissals of Neil’s best efforts Kevin honestly expected Neil to make the national team after graduation.

“Good thing you’re not there anymore.” “Jean still is.”

“Let Riko be King,” Kevin said, with the exaggerated enunciation of the thoroughly sloshed. “Most coveted, most protected. He’ll sacrifice every piece he has to protect his throne. Whatever. Me?” Kevin gestured again, meaning to indicate himself but too drunk to get his hand higher than his waist. “I’m going to be the deadliest piece on the board.”

Before he stepped on Kevin tapped the butt of his racquet against the floor and passed his stick to his other hand. He stroked to half-court head high and left-handed and the crowd went wild.  

jeremy so far has been the most avoidant pov in the world because what the hell are his issues? he's not even looking directly at them he's looking around them or focusing on everyone else's issues so he doesn't acknowledge his own

like with neil there was immediate acknowledgement with the memory of his mother's burning corpse but jeremy? nothing. is it parental issues? sibling issues? self issues? why was he in therapy? did he do something? did something happen to him? who knows? he does but he's not gonna look at all that when he can look at jean instead

jeremy is neil's 'i'm fine' personified times ten thousand he's so fine he doesn't even need to say it

*reading TFC for the first time*: so one them is dead but he was an assole and I didn't really care about him.

*rereading TFC*: he was the oldest fox, he had so much potential, yes he was an asshole but so are the monsters and he would've gotten along with Neil and I miss him so much 😭

in my head andrew and neil don't do like. classic date nights out and couply shit like that no their couples' shit is much weirder. like one time they spent 3 days doing a bit where they talked to each other exclusively doing bad brooklyn accents and impressions of movie mob guys. they will periodically send each other pictures of rocks and the other will name the rock. they go on walks together and rate birds on arbitrary scales. like just *neil points at pigeon* "six out of eight. couldn't carry a coconut across the atlantic if it had to." neil gets injured and is off court for three weeks so andrew puts up a basketball hoop on the back of their bedroom door so he feels like he's practicing his aim. their basketball game has been going for 4 years now and there is a very long points tally going on a whiteboard in the kitchen. will both start drumming out a beat on one of the cats and coordinate perfectly whilst saying nothing. they're strange. the old lady who lives across the hall absolutely adores them both.

the raven boys by maggie stiefvater // the raven king by maggie stiefvater

neil's learned obliviousness

gearing myself up to write another essay about neil josten. the grind never stops. had to figure out why people making neil super clueless and oblivious always rubbed me the wrong way even tho it's technically canon so here it is.

ok so i have a lot of thoughts about neil and obliviousness but i'm gonna mostly condense them into this single thesis statement: neil only pays attention to and notices things he deems important.

we've been knew atp that neil has insane tunnel vision, and that often comes across in his narration. because of this, it's easy to assume that neil is just genuinely very clueless and oblivious when it comes to social interaction and also romantic relationships, flirting, etc.

i know nora herself said that neil wouldn't realise if someone is flirting with him because he's dense as a brick and while i appreciate the comedic value of socially oblivious neil i generally take this characterisation with a grain of salt because it very quickly leans into territory of neil being just generally dumb and inept, which i lowk can't stand because it sanitises and declaws neil a lot and makes him boring and stereotypical.

so i raise you this: neil's obliviousness (if you want to call it that) throughout aftg and in his narration is deliberate. mostly, i think it's all intentional. he literally intentionally refuses to notice or give attention to certain things. and because of his relentless focus on only a couple of things (exy and his survival), things like socialising and relationships get put on the backburner unless they relate to the two aforementioned things.

let's dissect it using examples.

nicky's flirting. neil's narration is pretty clear-cut when it comes to this. he doesn't demonstrate much confusion towards nicky's behaviour except that he doesn't really know why nicky's more interested in him than exy. crucially, he isn't confused about why nicky demonstrates an interest in him (which is because he thinks neil is hot), he's just confused about why nicky is investing energy into flirting with him when, in his mind, there are better things to be doing. it seems, at least in his narration, that he knows nicky is flirting, he just doesn't know why and also doesn't really care to focus on it. aside from an initial discomfort/expression of disinterest, neil doesn't linger on nicky's comments and flirtations for the rest of the series. he narrates it when it's relevant but doesn't make any additional internal comments towards it because it doesn't pertain to his two priorities: exy and survival.

marissa's flirting. i feel like there's two ways to interpret neil's response to marissa's advance "i can give you my number". neil says "what for?" and you can either take this as genuine confusion or just neil kinda being a dick. i lowk never considered the first option and just jumped straight to "neil doesn't really care about hurting this girl's feelings" lmfao. i think i'm right tho, because he elaborates and makes it clear he isn't interested in pursuing relationships outside of the foxes (see: priority no. 1, exy) and when nicky and dan comment on it, making it explicitly clear that marissa was asking neil out, neil doesn't express any confusion over what she was trying to do. people who write neil being genuinely exaggeratedly clueless when being flirted with need to remember that neil wasn't unaware of marissa's intentions during this scene, he was just so aggressively disinterested that he failed to remark on most of it. he never expresses any actual confusion or obliviousness about her flirting.

andrew. ok look. this is gonna require some explaining. first of all let's talk about andrew's attraction to neil on a purely physical level. their nothingship era, if you will. neil's dizzying whiplash during the "that doesn't mean i wouldn't blow you" scene is honestly pretty understandable. like really, who wasn't surprised during that scene? the hints in the previous books about andrew's attraction towards neil were so subtle that most of us readers had to reread a couple times to actually catch the progression and build-up. and also, andrew was high and manic for most of the first two books, so it's understandable that neil probably chalked up a lot of andrew's yapping and odd behaviours to the drugs, rather than a genuine expression of andrew's feelings. that's not to say he discounted the things andrew told him, but since he's always taken andrew at face value, he also didn't doubt andrew's "i hate you" and supposed dislike of him. i think it's actually very very understandable that neil didn't pick up on andrew's attraction to him because 1. why would you ever assume that about anyone anyway 2. neil is pretty preoccupied with being hunted down by his serial killer father and the japanese mafia 3. andrew was NOT making it easy on neil at all. this is partially because andrew himself wasn't ready to face the reality of his feelings for neil and also just his general confusing way of going about things. it makes a lot of sense that even neil, who's generally good at reading andrew and picking up on his hints, would miss whatever hints andrew was dropping about this, if any. and finally, 4. andrew wanting to fuck neil doesn't have anything to do with exy or survival, so neil instinctively filters it out and doesn't think about it a lot. next, i guess we have to talk about andrew's actual feelings for neil. again, we like to make fun of neil for never picking up on the fact that andrew is in LOVE with him during their situationship phase. but again, i think it makes a lot of sense? yes, andrew wasn't exactly subtle about it by a certain point (see: baltimore reunion) but also, neil has literally been pavloved to reject romantic relationships. one of the ways he "justifies" his nothingship with andrew is by assuring himself that andrew is only physically attracted to him. and the other justification is that he sees andrew as intertwined with the idea of his survival, because of the deal they have. keeping andrew close and being in a relationship with him is directly related to his own safety and survival. because neil's lowk manipulated his own thinking to associate andrew implicitly with survival, suddenly their relationship is a lot more prioritised in neil's mind and narration, because it pertains to priority no. 2, survival. i truly, truly believe neil's refusal or inability to see andrew's actual feelings for him is deliberate. he doesn't want to notice that andrew actually is in love with him because that is area he isn't familiar with and he doesn't want to hurt andrew when he dies. but because he obviously does want to continue this little "nothing" with andrew, and because he associates andrew with survival, he's unwilling to let go of him. so he just refuses to notice and remains deliberately oblivious to andrew's feelings for him. it's all very psychological.

final argument: people like to make fun of neil for not realising his own feelings for andrew but listen. he does realise. he never says that he doesn't feel anything for andrew. he never denies being in love with or attracted to andrew, not even in his own head. he registers, literally in trk, after his conversation with nicky, that he sees andrew differently and could be developing feelings for him, but he literally forcibly pushes the thoughts away because they would distract him from priority no. 1 (exy) and priority no. 2 (survival). he also notices in the back half of tkm that their nothingship has taken on new weight and means more than just "nothing" but he avoids acknowledging it with andrew even when he's aware of it in his own mind. so yeah. neil isn't in a state of denial. like at all.

also, neil does notice things when they pertain to his priorities. like, he picked up on jeanee the same way kevin did. he noticed literally in trk the way jean reacted differently to renee, but he only chose to acknowledge and mention it out loud when he could use it to his advantage. and it did work out in everyone's favour, because he brought it up with kevin, kevin gave renee jean's number, and that's how jean was able to escape the nest and survive the year. so, lbr, neil isn't as clueless and out-of-it as the fandom likes to make him. he can be very perceptive and socially aware when it pertains to his narrow-minded priorities.

ok at the end of the day, i can acknowledge: it is not that deep. if ppl want to make neil super oblivious and clueless and socially inept, it's not rlly a big deal. i just personally hate when they dumb neil down when he is honestly such a smart and perceptive character and his intelligence is actually such a huge part of the series. so anyway. i hope u enjoyed this essay, it's been a while so it's a little rough.

(Princess of Gender Dysphoria) A dream.

Applejack's plea with the manufacturer (God, Hasbro, and me?) Alternatively, an expression of my past relationship trauma.

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Happy late Valentine’s Day 😭 this is so embarrassing to post i literally never make stuff like this but i am twenty years old i think i deserve to draw a couple smooches

we cannot be using the word twink as a descriptor willy nilly...kevin day is most certainly NOT a twink, he's tall as hell and an athlete who's been training every day and night for his entire life probably eating the most meal prepped bland chicken and rice and then hitting the gym......