I Don’t Know How To Explain What It Feels Like To Run And Look Behind And See Nobody Coming After You.

Things we've figured out about BPD on this blog

So like, i feel like we’ve made some progress conceptualizing some aspects of bpd, a lot of which arent really stated as symptoms officially, so im just gonna summarize some points that’ve been more or less deemed collectively relatable. 

 no concept of units of measurement, applies to time, weight, distance, etc. cannot determine sizes without reference point 

 General no concept of time, memories are not stored linearly, incapable of determining passing time without a clock 

- ‘thought cloud’ thinking, mostly abstract/conceptual where conclusions are drawn from general ideas rather than formulatic logical reasoning, meaning:  A -> ???…C-B-> A -> ??!! AD->B…. = D VS. A -> B -> C = D 

 no object permanence heavily related to relationships with other people, relationship and concept of person vanishes when not interacting, incapable of manifesting a mental image of person when trying recall them, may recall them more as a concept or idea

  maladaptive daydreaming, escapist tendency to live in an elaborate fantasy world instead of real life, often related to a ‘story’ you create of how your life should go where you may play the ‘tragic hero’, confusion results when real life doesn’t line up accordingly to this story 

psychotic symptoms more common than initially believed, including delusional thinking, illusory/hallucinatory things, paranoia, etc. tactile hallucinations, shadow people, insects, dots, etc.

 default perception of vision may be different than normal, colors are brighter, sounds/tastes/all senses are slightly amplified, static or ‘snow vision’ common, objects can warp or melt in peripheral or blurred vision, patterns and textured surfaces glitter, move, or go all trippy, solid colors or empty spaces are perceived as multiple colors simultaneously

 sense of hunger is nonexistent or dysfunctional, hunger based heavily on emotions instead of a physical body response 

  tendency to draw the following: swirls, sky imagery, eyes, trees, circuits, dots, floaty and abstract subject matter that reflects ‘living in your head’, not being grounded, and have an intangible/fractured or ever-morphing sense of identity 

wanting to be sick or clinging to self-destruction as a consistent quality to base identity off of is common, suffering is so ingrained into identity and sense of self that recover is undesirable, wanting to present the image of being fucked up because at least you know how to do that right - black and white/all or nothing thinking is present in literally every aspect of life and logic processing, instinctual way of processing conclusions, thoughts, and feelings only exist on two extremes with no concept of a middle ground, this conflict leads to not being able to decide any aspect of yourself which leads to nonexistent sense of self

dissociative symptoms work on a spectrum, may include varying degrees of depersonalization/derealization, may occur episodic or chronically, and can range from a ‘not entirely there’ permanent mental state to a temporary state of panic where you’re completely detached from reality. the range and frequency of these variations are dependent on the individual 

psuedohallucinatory voices or people in head, may be described as facets, alters, or some other mystery category, can be percieved as seperate entities or different parts of you, conversations with these voices are common and may happen out loud frequently. headmates

“imposter syndrome” very common, where you question the validity/existence of your disorder, question whether or not you may have a completely different disorder, worry about faking it or exaggerating symptoms, want to prove the existence of your illness by getting worse, etc.

lack of sympathy results from excess empathy, because of our ability to feel others emotions strongly, we must put up a wall and refuse to acknowledge other’s emotions at all, for fear of feeling them too strongly and getting hurt in the process. for example, refusal to help comforting someone emotionally, because allowing yourself to do so would make you secondhandedly feel the exact misery they’re feeling that lingers long after the interaction

I must say. I've been feeling more invisible than usual. I, too, am a minority. I, too, have been harassed, assaulted, and sexually assaulted by cops. I, too, have been discriminated against. I wish there were a biracial, first gen, gay role model. Niche market, amirite? Oh, don't forget with mental health issues and an intellectual living in the shadow of a brother with MR. I'm half tempted to just grab my backpack and live in the forest somewhere. Or pull a Margaret Cho, and be my own relatable role model. But instead, I'm scared into shutting down and hiding in my hellscape of a mind.

it’s ok 

This has become really important in my life lately. I've basically combined bullet journaling, doodling, washi tape, and calligraphy into an art therapy book. The beauty of the book itself, knowing that even my art isn't perfect, and the catharsis I get is all priceless. I may dissociate while doing it, but it's helped keep my mind calm, while also reminding me about appointments, and to take my medications. I highly recommend art therapy.

For more posts like this go to @mypsychology

are u ever too stressed to do anything like ur literally so stressed that it has reduced u to someone who stares at the wall for two hours instead of doing the things u need to do that will make u unstressed

How to Kill Feelings of Inadequacy

1. Choose to like, love, value, and believe in yourself. Choose to be your greatest allay – and the best friend you could have.

2. Ask a good friend if they’ll tell you what they like about you most. Then believe what they are saying – don’t just push their words aside.

3. Commit to discovering what you’re good at and enjoy, then invest time and energy on developing those traits.

4. Don’t exalt others’ gifts as if they matter more than yours. Every talent is important. Don’t right off your personal strengths.

5. Learn to show yourself compassion when you struggle or you fail. And remember “you are human” - so you’re going to make mistakes.

6. Notice ways that you are growing … ways you’re changing over time. Give yourself some credit for this – you are different from before.

It’s not only that she has a beautiful mind, she also has a beautiful soul.

She is also a founder of Afrithmetic, where you can learn Mathematics easily with the help of qualified team!

Support her and learn something new!

Every time i see a black person succeeding in life i’m so proud.

long live resistance auntie.

depression after years of having it isn’t even sadness it’s just being exhausted and being allowed one (1) emotion a week and sometimes your brain is like “die” and you’re like “shut up brad”