I Just Heard Someone Go "Oh Yeah Onyx Is A Cool Name" After Seeing The Name... It Didn't Sound Like A

Nonhuman expressions of affection are great. Purring. Exposing weak points as a show of trust. Head bonks. Preening and chewing. Nuzzling. Biting. Intertwining tails. Feeding each other. Little chuffs, chatters, beeps and squeaks. Fluffing up of feathers, fur or other things. Dancing to impress. Cleaning their fur, scales, feathers or skin. Sharing body heat. Ears pointing toward those you care about to show your full attention is on them. Slow blinking.

I could hear a discussion happening nearby in the headspace when I was focusing on Tetris and I could tell it was important, or at least the two that were talking thought it was important, and I was casually listening along as they came to a decision, but then the moment my game finished it was yoinked from my brain like a dream fading the moment you wake up. It’s a bit D: to feel like there’s something I’m supposed to know, though I’m not sure if they knew I was listening or not

I’m the host of our system. For those who may not know, that means I front the most and am generally in charge of day-to-day activities and responsibilities.

I am also a front bound host. Or front locked, front stuck, front sticky, whatever other terms you may know. This means, more or less, that I cannot leave front, at least not fully. I’m always aware of the outside to some extent and I have extremely little access to our headspace/innerworld.

For me and our system, this means a lot of things. It means that I’m the person most people outside know. It means that I make most of our decisions and generally get more authority over our life (for better or for worse). It means that I don’t get breaks. It means that majority of the time, the other members of our system can’t really front without going through me, blending with me, being covered by me.

I believe it’s unfair to live like this. The rest of my system doesn’t really get to fully be themselves on the outside. They don’t get to have their own lives, their own friends, their own body.

And for me, I can’t experience the inside. I’m cut off from the inner world/headspace, I’m cut off from anyone who isn’t also in/near front, our memories get all weird while fronting in order to keep things from me.

I have so much responsibility and yet all I really feel like is “the default”.

My headmates feel so special to me. So unique. Like they have purpose. And I know I do too, but half the time, all I feel like is another mask.

I don’t really get to know myself outside of the body. I don’t get to experience the inner world. I cannot physically interact with my headmates the same way they can with each other and it’s honestly isolating.

My job is to be the default, the mask, the “normal”. I’m not normal. Not generally speaking at least. Im neurodivergent, im queer, im weird. I’m still traumatized, I just experience it through frosted glass and ear muffs. But I still feel like the most “normal” person in this system

I feel like the most boring, the most unimportant, because I don’t even have a choice. None of us do. I have to be like this, I have to be in charge of everything, and I’m not even good at it. I don’t get it. I don’t get why I was placed in this role but there doesn’t seem to be any way to change it.

So I try my best at least.

I feel weird even talking about my experience being plural because being a frontbound host it feels like every aspect of me being plural is just the times that I’m not me. I feel like I’m telling other peoples stories, even when I’m involved.

I hate feeling like this is my system or my life because it’s not. I’m not the only one here. Me being the default doesn’t make me any more real or important than the others yet I’m practically forced to act that way cause that’s how everyone sees it.

But when I’m not saying everything is mine, it almost feels like nothing is, especially when it comes to being plural.

If it weren’t for my headmates existing, my life wouldn’t be different from any other singlet because Im always out. All of my plurality is tied to what the other people in my head do or experience and I wouldn’t experience any of that without them. It feels like the only thing that’s special about my plurality is my headmates.

They’re their own people, and they only get to express themselves openly on rare occasions. It almost feels like me talking about myself the same way they do is taking away from that because I already do that on my non-system accounts all the time. I’m the only one who ever gets to not be plural all the time, I’m the only one who gets to present as “normal” if I choose to

But it sucks feeling like I have to. It sucks feeling like this is all I am. I’m plural too. I’m part of this system, but because I’m frontbound, it doesn’t really feel like it. It feels like I’m a singlet who just watches the rest of my headmates do whatever without really being part of that plural experience or when they’re not fronting I’m just alone entirely and it’s weirdly isolating.

Frankly I’m not sure if there’s a point to this, I was just struggling to come up with ideas of what to make a comic about and it turned into this ramble. I figured some people could relate at the very least so I decided to turn it into a post anyways.

-🦩 (Jameson/Jamie, he/they/it)

Singlets will think having headmates is this horrible thing or whatever but really the worst part is when you don't hear from them

System Ask Game

🌕 - If Your System Has A Name, What Is The Story Behind It?

🌔 - Do you Have Any Nonhuman Or Human Adjacent Headmates? Any That Are A Unique/Non-Typical Species?

🌓 - What Is The Most Unique Name A Headmate In Your System Has?

🌑- Does Anyone In Your System Have Food Preferences That Differ Greatly From Others In Your System?

⭐️ - Who Is The Most Social?

💫 - Does Anyone Celebrate A Birthday Different From The Body's Birthday?

✨️ - Who Is The "Problem Child" Of Your System? (Not Necessarily In A Negative Way)

🔭 - Anyone With A "Non-Typical" Role?

🚀 - Are There Any Headmates With Wildly Differing Interests From The Rest Of The System?

☄️ - Do You Have Any Alt Headmates? (Emo,Goth,Etc)

🌍 - Do You Have Any Introjects From Obscure Sources? (Not Including Oc-tives)

🪐 - What Is The Age Of Your Oldest Headmate? The Youngest?

🌙 - What Is The Most Ridiculous Thing Your System Has Argued Over?

👽 - The Strangest,Most Off Putting,Or Silliest Thing A Headmate Has Said?

🌌 - Is There A Headmate Who Likes To Play Pranks On The Rest Of The System?

🌠 - Who Is The Most Noticeable When Fronting?

🛰 - What Is The Strangest Way You've Discovered A Headmate?

🌝 - What Is The Strangest Purchase Someone In The System Has Made?

Ohhhh I feel this. A lot.

I’m still pretty bad at being supportive since I have a tendency to shut down communication and forget the progress we’ve made when being plural feels too overwhelming, which I’m working on, but it makes things complicated. I think we might be getting an introject and I am probably being really unhelpful since I don’t want to “encourage” him to coalesce, but like. It’s not fair to smother him either?? And I don’t want to set off my panic response, but I want to do better at being happy for the new guy if he is forming. I don’t know, it’s rough.

Y'know... We've realized smth and I dunno how to feel about it.

Everyone makes the "*sigh* p;m new" jokes, and "uh oh new introject" and etc. etc. and that's fun!! It's genuinely an okay joke to make, we have no issues with these jokes. We join in on them often, they're silly and most plurals probably experience them as 100% harmless.

But lately we've noticed we... don't experience them as harmless. Actually we've realized that, personally, there's an underlying truth there. Admitting a new headmate is real is seen as admitting defeat. We feel the need to question and interrogate ourselves at the possibility, and we feel like we're not allowed to express any want for a specific introject or headmate for reasons I can't articulate. To the point that one of our new headmates, love him, has literally told us "I won't force this. A lot is happening at once, I can be the one to step back and wait until you're ready to believe that I'm here."

LIKE THANKS I GUESS BUT??? GODDAMN. We're realizing that we don't let things develop in our collective, as much as we wish we were a collective that welcomes new headmates with open arms; we tend to fight it until we can't deny it and then we welcome them. But they have to truly fight to get us to believe them, because "what if that's just me." It's a lot worse if it's a sourcemate, or someone that we'd want to be there.

There's no real point to this post other than maybe to offer up our experiences in case someone feels the same way. Not a vent so much as something I hope someone out there might relate to.

-Travis

being a closeted plural is like

catching myself typing with plural pronouns with people im not out to yet

i accidentally used a headmate's pk proxy in a server, mistaking it for a different server — and i had to thank the gods that the server did not have pk

oh no there's a DID system in a mutual server i hope they're chill with non-disordered systems (not like we can do much if they're not chill)

"is it possible to be casually plural?"

cant tell anyone cant tell anyone aaaa

get the Itch to tell this person. hesitates for 5 business days. ends up not telling them

the imposter syndrome

when old friends contact us and goes "how've you been?" and i only say that it's been "kind of wild" and i do not elaborate

will never ever tell anyone irl

the imposter syndrome 2: electric boogaloo

the fear of my friends somehow stumbling across our sysblog (why would they even tread plural spaces?? in tumblr, no less??) (idk but im scared)

In Sys Qoute #1

"I'm going to beat your fucking ass"

"I hope you yaba daba do motherfucker"

wOAH WEVE HAD A TUMBLR FOR SIX MONTHS??? Yea this is definitely the longest we’ve gone without me repressing things whoops