Latest Posts by smallconsciousness - Page 7

my reblags

Sketch for Sampson

I was not ready for the husband's costume

you: suck my dick me, an intellectual: inhale my richard

I really love how many Legends of Avantris comments there are on this Red One casting announcement

so i'm currently rereading Lolita and, in it, the word "crepitate" is used. i wasn't sure if it had multiple meanings, so i googled it.

now, i don't know about you, but when i type a word like "crepitate" into the search bar, i don't really expect "fart" to appear in any of the top results, and yet:

i was disappointed to learn that there isn't a classification system for farts, but, rather, you can buy a CD featuring a fart competition called The Original Crepitation Contest that Amazon reviewers assure me is comedy gold. okay. mystery solv--

hang on.

this also came up. Google is presenting it as fact.

Google is telling me that on May 16th, in the year of our lord 1972, a man farted for 1/3 of a second at a register of 194 dB.

according to the National Hearing Conservation Association, that is the loudest possible sustained sound. when a sound reaches that decibel, it no longer travels through the air, but moves it. it only comes from things like volcanic eruptions and can cause organ damage.

call me a Doubting Thomas if you must, but i just don't think this is true.

i just don't think anyone recorded a man farting so hard that it created a literal shockwave, blowing his asshole clean off and probably killing everyone around him, because i just don't think a guy did that, and i especially don't think that, if he did, his government name was Alvin Meshits.

at this point i'd totally forgotten i was trying to read literary classic Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov and instead started searching for the origin of Mr. Meshits, fart terrorist. from what i can tell, someone on Reddit just randomly shared it to r/todayilearned and Google went "yeah, this seems true" and now it's just out there.

now someone might stumble upon it and go "wow, that's crazy" and live the rest of their life believing a fart erupted at such force it likely blew its own progenitor to creamed corn.

i don't think Madeline, Texas is even a real place.

Trick or treat!

you get shirtless onceler I found on Pinterest dot com

Me duele la cabeza

Have you ever been to earth?

On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:

You’re an idiot.

Let me further explain:

Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.

Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.

When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.

And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:

Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.

Nope.

My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.

You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.

And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.

What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.

I just want a burrito.

In conclusion:

You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.

UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:

A fucking fork?

I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.

If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.

That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.

Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.

A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now.

People eat burritos with forks?

God is sorry he made us.

(Source)

the future of gaming

the muppets, 1x01: “Pig Girls Don’t Cry.”

Me and my mutuals rebloging the same post

so my dumb ass thought it’d be fun to set up a mod for Beat Saber that makes my computer bluescreen on any missed note.

and then my chat started throwing doritos at me

D&D horror stories where the source of the problem is genuinely a failure to understand the rules, now there's an amazing subgenre. "Casters are so weak compared to martials, how do I keep up?" "What do you mean?" "I ran out of spell slots several weeks of in-game time ago, we're using healing potions to restore HP since it's more efficient than sleeping."

photomatt mullenweg be like "by telling me to pee my pants you are basically telling me to die of dehydration. btw"

Well, that’s enough internet for me today.

clark reupload

edit: forgot the sweater comic

artists fuck better because we turn sex into art, masterpieces, mattresses become canvases where we can paint our love to someone with bodies.

this moment from one of Scorpy's VHS Viewings sticks in my mind as an example of just fantastic editing

LETS BRING BACK 1337 SPEAK 

THE POWER FLICKERED THREE TIMES

IF WE LOSE POWER I’M QUITTING

JUST GIVE ME 20 FUCKIN MINUTES FOR MY CHICKEN NUGGETS TO COOK PLEASE

please

I'm a big fan of wizards-as-programmers, but I think it's so much better when you lean into programming tropes.

A spell the wizard uses to light the group's campfire has an error somewhere in its depths, and sometimes it doesn't work at all. The wizard spends a lot of his time trying to track down the exact conditions that cause the failure.

The wizard is attempting to create a new spell that marries two older spells together, but while they were both written within the context of Zephyrus the Starweaver's foundational work, they each used a slightly different version, and untangling the collisions make a short project take months of work.

The wizard has grown too comfortable reusing old spells, and in particular, his teleportation spell keeps finding its components rearranged and remixed, its parts copied into a dozen different places in the spellbook. This is overall not actually a problem per se, but the party's rogue grows a bit concerned when the wizard's "drying spell" seems to just be a special case of teleportation where you teleport five feet to the left and leave the wetness behind.

A wizard is constantly fiddling with his spells, making minor tweaks and changes, getting them easier to cast, with better effects, adding bells and whistles. The "shelter for the night" spell includes a tea kettle that brings itself to a boil at dawn, which the wizard is inordinately pleased with. He reports on efficiency improvements to the indifference of anyone listening.

A different wizard immediately forgets all details of his spells after he's written them. He could not begin to tell you how any of it works, at least not without sitting down for a few hours or days to figure out how he set things up. The point is that it works, and once it does, the wizard can safely stop thinking about it.

Wizards enjoy each other's company, but you must be circumspect about spellwork. Having another wizard look through your spellbook makes you aware of every minor flaw, and you might not be able to answer questions about why a spell was written in a certain way, if you remember at all.

Wizards all have their own preferences as far as which scripts they write in, the formatting of their spellbook, its dimensions and material quality, and of course which famous wizards they've taken the most foundational knowledge from. The enlightened view is that all approaches have their strengths and weaknesses, but this has never stopped anyone from getting into a protracted argument.

Sometimes a wizard will sit down with an ancient tome attempting to find answers to a complicated problem, and finally find someone from across time who was trying to do the same thing, only for the final note to be "nevermind, fixed it".