Things To Do Today

"Aziraphale would probably disagree about the introvert part.

My plants would too, if they dared something to say on the matter."

Ngk. You've been a very very bad phone. I consider myself disappointed.

Be grateful that you are not a plant.

Phone, delete contact "Aziraphale"!

Where we left off: Nina scolded me for being mean to Maggie...

Now she actually WANTS me to be mean to Maggie and even meaner to Muriel. People! Will you ever make sense?

But let's rewind and start... right here.

"For once in your life, trust somebody."

No, no, wait, that's too far back. A little further along.

"Fine", Nina says, although it's not. "You've made your point, Mr. Crowley."

Did I? And is my point pointy enough for you to go away, never come back and leave me to my misery?

It certainly seems so, because Nina backs away. "We can offer you our friendship, we cannot, however, make you accept it. I still think you're making a mistake, but the choice is yours, and you're old enough to take responsibility for your own actions."

She falls silent for a moment. The sun's setting with the buildings casting long shadows over the road.

"I'll leave you alone from now on." Nina half turns, looks back over her shoulder. Her features seem calmer than before, but there's still some anger in her eyes. "And Maggie will too, once you explain to her that you don't need or value her friendship. I trust, you will do this soon and won't leave her worrying about you any longer."

What? "Explain to her... what?"

"This. Do you think, ghosting is an appropriate behaviour?"

"I'm not a ghost, 'm a demon."

"Don't take it literal." She sighs. "Ghosting means not answering people's messages and pretending you aren't there. It's very hurtful to others because it leaves people worrying and they never get any closure. That's what you've been doing to Maggie and me and I haven't even started to talk about Muriel."

I didn't know there was a word for it, but I never meant to do anything. How can I do anything by doing nothing? It doesn’t make any sense.

And yet, I know she’s right. Doing nothing sometimes hurts people most of all. Simply standing by and just allowing things to happen.

“What’s that with Muriel? There’s a croak in my voice I can’t supress right now. “I don’t understand, what do they have to do with it?”

“She… wait, Muriel uses “they”? Nina seems surprised. “I assumed since you and Mr. Fell both look like guys and she… they chose to look like a woman... you can all choose what to look like, can’t you?”

Great. Humans are not supposed to know about any of these things. I hope no one tries to erase her memory or turns her into a pillar of salt.  

“Yes, we can, but Aziraphale and I have been to Earth for such a long time that we understand the concept of gender. We use the ‘he’ pronoun when we present male and the ‘she’ pronoun when we present female. Most angels don’t know or don’t worry about these things, so they go by “they” unless it feels right for them to go by something else. Muriel has only been to Earth for a couple of months and it’s their first time here, so they wouldn’t worry about gender or pronouns yet. “They” simply makes most sense in their case because it’s neutral and doesn’t assume anything. And before you ask, no, we don’t.”

“You don’t what?”

“Procreate. I thought that would probably be your next question.”

She tilts her head to the side, giving me a long apprehensive look. “So, you’ve had this kind of conversation with humans before.”

“Well... occasionally.” It’s not that I never had closer bonds with humans before. I just try to avoid it because it’s trouble.

Fortunately for me, Nina does not press the point.

Instead, she takes a deep breath and starts talking about Muriel.

~*~

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All ways lead to you.

All ways, always.

Especially during those times when we couldn't be together, I knew deep inside that I would find my way back to you. Or you to me.

I could feel you, even when you were away. I might feel empty, lonely at times, but there was always this warm golden glow of your presence. Sometimes very close, sometimes further away, but it was always there.

One time I couldn't feel it, was during those decades down in Hell. But I had the memory of it and that was enough to keep me fighting. Keep me from giving up. I needed to survive to find you again. And I did.

One time I couldn't feel it, was when your bookshop burned down and you were discorporated. But then, it was you who found your way back to me.

And now you're gone. That beautiful golden glow has vanished. Where there used to be light, only darkness remains. Where there used to be bright colours, everything is damp and gloomy and hollow.

I lost my way because there's no you my way can lead to,

I can't come back because there's no you to come back to.

Earth is empty without your presence.

And so is my heart.

lost my way and i can't come back

On brûlera

On brûlera toutes les deux En enfer, mon ange J'ai prévu nos adieux À la Terre, mon ange Et je veux partir avec toi Je veux mourir dans tes bras

Que la mer nous mange le corps, ah Que le sel nous lave le cœur, ah Je t'aimerai encore Je t'aimerai encore Oh, je t'aimerai encore Je t'aimerai encore

~*~

Song by Pomme

Video by Wanou

Things to Do Today

Slee.. oh, wait!

There's a missed call from Aziraphale on my phone.

Yes, that's his name on the display. Did they finally insist on giving him a mobile phone in heaven? Even if they did, how would my phone know that it's him? Wouldn't it just be Unknown Number?

The number connected to his name in my phone is the number of the bookshop. He no longer is in the bookshop. If he was in the bookshop, I would feel that he's on Earth. I no longer feel him on Earth, so he can't be on Earth and in the bookshop.

Phone, delete missed call.

Phone, delete contact Aziraphale.

Phone, block this number!

~ * ~

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"Naaah, guys like Hastur or Ligur or Furfur can't just snap their fingers and drag me down to Hell.

Right, they're dudes... Dukes of Hell - at least Hastur and Ligur are, Furfur's just an admissions demon, who thought he could turn me in for "collaborating with the angel Aziraphallus" but for that he needed to go the long bureaucratic way which Hastur and Ligur skipped when they thought they could just bring me in by brute force.

Anyhow, what was I trying to say? My point is, very few demons have this kind of power. Lord Beelzebub kinda does, they dragged me down once, and even through the protections of my Bentley, but they also had to appear on Earth personally to do it.

Satan doesn't need to. He can just do the fingersnapping thingie. Actually, he doesn't even need fingers. He's Satan. We're demons. I think, you understood this part quite well, bookgirl. 😉

Oh, and besides, do you know what's even more difficult than trying to resist Satan's pull? Try to resist Satan's pull while you're absolutely positively high on Laudanum!" 👿

Edit: Though, I suppose, the place, too, does matter. Somehow, I doubt that Satan could simply drag me down from Aziraphale's bookshop, which is heavenly protected. But I suppose that Lord Gaiman has the final say on that matter."

The resurrectionists minisode appears to retroactively change the rules in the gomens universe as to how crowley can be summoned to hell — after all, in s1 and in the book crowley needed to be collected by hastur and ligur in the holy water scene. So i’m now headcanoning that something simply changed between 1827 and current day, and that something is that aziraphale saw crowley get pulled down for doing a good deed and vowed to consult every book on earth to find a way to tether crowley to the earth from now on unless physically dragged to hell so he’d be safer

Yup, my thoughts exactly.

I'm still waiting for it to work, though. So far, the nasty bugger is still there and shows no signs of going away.

Heartbreak. That's what it is. I always thought it's just a figure of speech, when humans call that way. But it's true. My heart aches as if it was smashed to smithereens.

I wonder if it feels the same way for him...

crowley starts a journal to deal with the grief.

Things To Do Today

Drive.

Just drive

Nothing else.

Waking up this morning, I knew instantly that today is a driving day. I've sobered up to get rid of the hangover, but my headache's still there and it's persistent. Should've sobered up yesterday night, but I kinda like the fuzzy head. Keeps me from thinking.

If there's enough pain in my head, I suppose, I won't worry too much about the pain in my heart.

I don't want to go anywhere near the bookshop. I don't, but I need to return the CD to Muriel before it looses its song. Still, I drive around all day to work up the courage.

The song starts five or six times while I'm driving back to Soho. I try to listen, but in the end I always turn it off. My car turns it back on. I turn it back off.

At the horizon, far beyond the end of the road, the sun's going down in a blaze of red and orange. Like the whole world was about to end in fire.

The street lanterns at Whickber Street flicker on as I pass through. The stores are closed at this hour, but there's still light in most of the restaurants and, of course, the pub.

I could go there, have a whiskey. Or I could have a bottle of wine at Marguerite's or a bottle of Tsingtao at Mr & Mrs Chen's place.

No, I can't. It would never be just one glass or one bottle. Wasting yourself on your own is fine, but not in front of people you used know. Not front of people he used to know.

If I was human, I'd probably be dead in a ditch somewhere three times over. Being who I am, I know how far I can take this. This may be the worst time, but it is certainly not the first.

It's not even the first time I got my heart ripped out, but last time happened to be a bit more literal.

Do mine eyes deceive me? There's light in the bookshop. No, not in the shop itself, but up in the flat, in the very guest room that Gabriel used to live in when he was Jim.

For a brief moment I allow myself to imagine what it would be like if Aziraphale was still in there. He'd notice I was on my way and open the door for me. And then we'd sit inside and talk about something or other, have a drink or two, and maybe talk some more. He would have a snack and I would watch him eat. He would get excited about something and bounce around and I would listen to the ridiclous sounds coming out of his mouth.

And watch his smile. That beautiful beautiful smile. And everything would just be fine for a few hours.

A familiar silhouette at the window. Muriel is sitting there, probably on the inside sill, their head bent over a book they're holding. They're a fast reader, turning the pages at a quick and steady pace.

I wonder why Muriel didn't take Aziraphale's room. It's bigger than the guest room and it's not like he'll be back anytime soon.

Angels and their faith...

I drop the CD in the letterbox inside the door, trying to avoid any noises. Back on the road, I look up to the window again.

Muriel still seems busy with their book. I hope, they read all the brilliant ones first, then the good ones before moving on to the trash that they inevitably will find.

But then, these humans never can tell the difference. Goethe's Faust was a good book. Marie Corelli's Sorrows of Satan was a brilliant one.

I cross the road and signal for my car to come pick me up. Nina is still inside her closed-for-the-night-coffee shop sitting at a table across Maggie. They're talking to each other and they both look worried.

Time to get out of here. Just as the Bentley speeds around the corner, Maggie spots me and starts waving frantically. Nina looks up, too, her expression a mix and match between a sigh of relief and a death glare.

No. No talk. I don't want to talk to any of you. I did what I came for and now I'm leaving.

Just leave me alone, all of you!

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I don't know what's worse...

That he doesn't lo... doesn't want to be with me or that he would want to be with me if I was an angel.

~ * ~

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