IM SO ABSOLUTELY SICK OVER CODY’S IMPERIAL ARMOR BECAUSE YOU CAN STILL SEE HIS SUNBURST PAINT. THE

IM SO ABSOLUTELY SICK OVER CODY’S IMPERIAL ARMOR BECAUSE YOU CAN STILL SEE HIS SUNBURST PAINT. THE STRIPES ARE STILL THERE. BUT THEY’RE GREY. THEY DON’T REPRESENT THE SUNRISE ANYMORE- THEY’RE A LITERAL SHADOW.

HE’S NO LONGER THE SUNRISE. HE’S ALSO BECOME A LITERAL SHADOW.

Nicky and His Twins

Nicky didn’t know about Aaron until he was seven, and Aaron was three.

He overheard his father telling his mother that Aunt Tilda had apparently gotten pregnant and had a child without telling them. His dad was more angry than anything, but Nicky was excited. He had no siblings, his mothers family was all back in Mexico— now he would have a playmate!

He doesn’t meet Aaron until the next year. Luther pays for Aunt Tilda to come down to see them.

Nicky thinks Aaron is the cutest thing he’s ever seen.

He’s so tiny?? And he’s got these huge eyes and bright blonde hair and Nicky is instantly taken with him.

Aaron is much less taken with Nicky— he’s too shy and Nicky is too loud.

Aaron is maybe the quietest kid Nicky has ever met, but that doesn’t bother Nicky. He knows people are quiet until they’re comfortable and he’s determined to make Aaron his friend.

The adults are too busy pretending to be civil to pay much attention to the kids. Nicky thinks it’s weird that Aunt Tilda hasn’t paid Aaron any attention at all. It was Nicky’s mother who took him to go potty when they arrived, because Aaron was squirming.

He asks Aunt Tilda if he can take Aaron to the park with him and she looks at him like she doesn’t understand. Then says, “I don’t care.”

That’s confusing, because Nicky has to always ask his mom or she gets fussy.

It’s Nicky’s Mom that tells him to be “careful with the baby” even though Aaron is four and not a baby, not really. But he kind of looks like one still, and he doesn’t negate her like Nicky might have.

Aaron hardly speaks, but that’s okay. Nicky can talk enough for two and Aaron let’s Nicky show him everything at the park. He’s scared to go on the slide, so Nicky sits with him. It’s the first time he’s seen Aaron smile.

Aaron tells Nicky he’s never been on a slide before.

Nicky thinks he’s kidding, until Aaron says “Mommy’s too busy to go to the park.”

Nicky thinks that’s sad. Maybe Aunt Tilda and Dad are just a lot alike. Dad’s too busy too. But Mom always takes him.

The trip is too short— but Nicky is happy because Aaron is very attached to him. “Attached to the hip” is what Dad says when he notices Aaron follows Nicky everywhere. Like a baby duck, Nicky thinks. He even takes Aaron potty and helps Aaron figure out how to play with the new toys Mom and Dad bought him.

Aunt Tilda let’s Nicky. She doesn’t seem to ever want to hold Aaron, which Nicky thinks is weird because Aaron is sooo cute and Nicky wants Aaron to sit with him all the time.

Aaron cries when they leave, but Aunt Tilda puts her mouth real close to his ear and says “shhhh!!” And Nicky thinks he sees her pinch his arm, but he doesn’t like that so he thinks he must have imagined it. He doesn’t cry again, but he holds his arms up to Aunt Tilda like he wants to be carried. Only she pretends she doesn’t see.

Nicky doesn’t see Aaron for a couple more years. Dad has to pay for them to come out again, because Aunt Tilda “can’t get her shit together” and is “using” again. Nicky doesn’t ask what she’s using.

Aaron is still so small, Nicky is surprised. The first graders Nicky knows are much taller by now. But Nicky is kind of pleased because Aaron still looks kind of like a baby and Nicky hopes he hasn’t forgotten him.

Aunt Tilda does pinch Aaron. Whenever he does something she doesn’t like, she holds him real close and angry-whispers at him. Nicky doesn’t always see he pinch him, but he sees the red marks. Dad says it’s fine, that’s she’s just trying to make him listen.

It’s the only time Nicky sees her touch Aaron.

They only see each other every couple of years, and every time it’s harder for Nicky to get Aaron comfortable with him. Nicky offers to call him, but they don’t have a phone. Nicky has never met anyone who doesn’t have a phone. When Aaron is ten, and Nicky is almost fourteen, he shows Aaron how to write a letter and send it.

He gives Aaron a roll of stamps.

After that, they infrequently write. Nicky is always pleased when he sees how much better Aaron’s writing is than the last time. He’s proud— maybe because he knows Aunt Tilda won’t be.

He knows by then she neglects Aaron. It hurts Nicky’s heart because Aaron deserves to be loved, but Aunt Tilda only spends time with her boyfriends.

Nicky wants to do more— wants to be better for Aaron. But Nicky is so tired. He knows now that he’s *weird*, because boys aren’t supposed to like boys. Not the way Nicky does.

Dad says it’s not a good idea to talk with Aaron until Nicky “figures it out”. In fact, it’s not a good idea to talk to anyone until Nicky “figures it out”.

Camp is the worst. Nicky knows he’s a sinner— he has evil thoughts and he’s unclean. Fixed. He just wants to be *fixed*.

That Christmas, he doesn’t play much with Aaron when Aaron comes to his house. He doesn’t want Aaron to get mixed up in all the nastiness in his life. Aaron doesn’t ask him to play— he’s used to being ignored. Nicky doesn’t think about that until he’s already gone. Doesn’t realize Aaron never once came to Nicky, that Nicky didn’t try for Aaron in the way he knows he needs to. He curls in bed and cries. It’s a worse sin than homosexuality.

Aaron has a brother.

An identical twin.

Nicky can hardly fathom it. Dad is so mad he turns bright purple whenever it comes up. Nicky is almost relieved to have that anger turned on someone other than him though. At least if everyone is focused on Andrew— god, poor Andrew— they’re not focused on Nicky.

Nicky can’t even be excited when Mom tells him Aunt Tilda is moving down with Aaron. He’s so tired, he’s so very tired and hurt and crushed that he can’t imagine what he will say to Aaron.

And when Aaron tells him, in a dead voice, eyes vacantly staring at the wall behind them, “Mom didn’t want me either”, Nicky has no words. He tries to hug Aaron but Aaron gets too flustered— and Nicky is unclean anyway— so he just cries himself to sleep when he gets home. Because how could anyone not want Aaron? And why is life so awful to people who deserve more? And Nicky prays and prays that Andrew found someone who loved him. That being given up was some sort of blessing in disguise.

Then there’s Germany and Erik and good God, THIS, this is what living feels like. And for the first time in a long time, Nicky feels happy. He feels… clean. And Erik’s kisses wash away any lingering doubt. Because there is NOTHING unclean, or wrong, or bad about the way Erik makes Nicky feel.

So going back to America is the most awful thing Nicky has ever had to do. Because Germany and Erik have become home, become family. And Erik is the man Nicky will marry.

But then there is Aaron and he needs Nicky, even though he won’t ask for help. Won’t explain the bruises or the purple bags under his eyes.

But Dad says he’ll handle it— he’s made contact with Andrew. Andrew will be coming home to Aaron and Tilda. Nicky is happy, so happy that Aaron will get to have a brother. Someone he can love unconditionally and be loved by. He knows it won’t be simple, but he can hope for it to be good.

Andrew is even quieter than Aaron. They look… God, they look identical. Which makes sense, but it’s so weird. Only Nicky can tell them apart. The adults are useless.

Nicky would like to know Andrew better, but it’s hard and Andrew isn’t very helpful in the process. Then Nicky is kicked out. He told Mom and Dad and the only thing that kept him from doubling over under their disgust and fury is the plane ticket Erik bought for him.

And he’s gone again— to be with family he has chosen. And he can only hope the twins are good for each other.

Then he gets a call. From his father, who never calls. There’s been an accident. Tilda was on something again. She was upset and hitting Aaron, she wasn’t paying attention. She’s dead, she’s dead, she’s dead.

And Nicky can’t grieve her. He never liked her. But his heart hurts for Aaron because despite how shitty parents are, we love them. Even when it only ever hurts to. And Nicky hurts for Andrew, who got thrown into another bad mix.

What will happen to the twins?

The thought strikes him so hard, he doubles over gasping. Erik freaks out. He’s never seen Nicky so utterly lose his composure. Panic attack, that’s what this must be.

The twins— who will ever love them? Who will be there for them? Not Luther, who will only condemn Andrew for his unruly attitude and judge Aaron for any and all ‘failures’. Not Mom, because she will only ever follow her husband.

He doesn’t realize he’s gasping it, “the twins, the twins, the twins” until Erik is crushing him against his body and saying, “We will handle it. I’m getting the plane ticket, baby. I’ve got you, we’ve got them.” And he knows he will love Erik until the day he dies.

And so they go back to the states and sign documents no twenty-year-old should sign. And Erik finances the house and promises to help in any way he can. But he can’t stay. His work won’t allow it and the twins don’t want him around. Aaron is particularly nasty about it. Erik is offended but Nicky smooths it over. “He just lost him mom. He’s hurting.” Andrew doesn’t speak hardly at all, but when he does, it’s cutting.

No one is there to soothe Nicky’s wounds, but Nicky has thick skin. He has had to have it his whole life or he wouldn’t have even made it to Germany the first time.

And the twins… Nicky is just now learning how very broken they are. Before, he would see them quietly speak, see them interact cautiously with one another. Now it’s all silences, tense shoulders and narrowed looks.

Nicky tries to reach to them. But Aaron only ever snaps back and Andrew… apparently Andrew carries knives on him. Nicky made one attempt to get him to stop. One. It didn’t go over well and Nicky decides to pick his battles.

But despite it all, he won’t give up. Not the way Luther and Mom have up on him. The way Tilda gave up on them. The way the world has always, always given up on them. No. Nicky will love them through it.

Nicky will love Aaron when Aaron spits out hateful words. Because hateful words are all he has ever known. And Nicky will love Andrew when Andrew answers with violence. Because violence is all that has ever touched him. And Nicky will love them both when they cannot love themselves or each other. Because who else will love them?

And when Aaron finally tells him the truth about the beatings, the drugs, the brother who killed his mother… Nicky will only love him harder. And he will still love Andrew because whatever else, Andrew deserved more than Tilda gave either of them. And Tilda… Nicky can’t help that nasty, nagging thought that she got exactly what she deserved.

There’s no reward in loving them. Not even the guarantee that they will love him back. And sometimes that is so unbearable. But then, those moments, those moments that no one else in the world would understand the scope of.

When Aaron opens up to Nicky, his eyes blank but his lip wobbling ever so slightly. When Aaron tells Nicky things he has never dared tell anyone. Those moments.

Or when four men cane after Nicky and Nicky thought for sure this would be it— but Andrew moved so fast Nicky was sure he was imagining it. Until there was blood and yelps and three guys where dragging Andrew off of those men. And everyone in the world talked about how crazy Andrew was but… but Nicky knew Andrew gained nothing from coming to his aid. Those moments.

Those moments that made the heartache worth it. Because Nicky knew that loving someone, even when the world won’t, is always worth it.

They are his cousins.

His family.

His twins.

And even though they are broken, and messed up, and bitter with it— they will love each other through it.

3K notes View Post