Tue, April 4th - 23:41

Tue, April 4th - 23:41

Here lately someone special to me has been struggling.  She’s been in and out of the hospital several times and now she is back in a hospital bed.  This time how ever I’m not so sure she’s going to be leaving, and this scares the life out of me. 

Growing up, and even now my grandma is the most important person in my life.  She’s a big influence on who I am and how I see things.  She always has been and always will be. 

When I was younger I used to see my grandma every week day when my mom and dad went to work,  I would go to her house at 8 every morning.  It is by far the best memories I have, even till this day ten years later.  I would do anything to reverse the clock and go back to when I was the happy little four year old who couldn’t wait to see her grandma every Monday through Friday.  She was never just my grandma, and she still isn’t.  She’s my best friend.

She’s the sweetest person I’ve ever met; well, unless you sit in her cats chair, that’s a whole other story.  She loves everything, and I don’t know anyone as open minded as her either.  She has the heart of a five year old, and maybe that’s why I love her so much. 

Growing up she always told me I could do whatever I want when I become a adult and encouraged my insane dreams.  She told me to never grow up.  My favorite thing she ever told me was that I’m however old I feel.  I heard this one quite a lot usually followed by a “I’m still five at heart”.

We used to have tea parties every morning followed by watching the kids channel on tv, which I’d catch her watching years to come even if I wasn't watching it with her.  We’d make ornaments for the Christmas tree or her refrigerator out of play-doe all year around.  We’d often move the chairs to the hallway to make a car which we’d ‘drive’ to the ‘store’ in the living room and go shopping for groceries.  we’d hop back in the ‘car’ and drive home to cook dinner.  which she usually cooked those tiny barbecue hot dogs while i made stuff on the fake wooden storage stove in the corner.  afterwards we’d listen to the wolf radio station and play with some toys by the window.  It was a everyday cycle.  My favorite part was waiting for the bus to drive past.  We’d wait everyday and then wave through the blinds as it passed. I’d even cry everyday and hide behind her recliner when my dads car pulled up outside, I never wanted to leave.

On rare days my grandma would go to her bedroom and get some bananas and some water bottles and we’d sit by the window on the floor and eat them and drink the water.  I remember her always telling me to put the cap back on the bottle which is probably why even till this day I can’t put a water bottle down without first screwing the lid back on, let alone watch other people do it.

During the summer was my favorite.  We’d go outside and sit in her backyard swing and watch the trees blow back and forth in silence.  Sometimes I got to feed the neighbors dog.  We’d also walk through her yard and pick up the gum pods that had fallen from her three gumball trees that my dad planted many years earlier.

I have two favorite memories.  The first one was when I broke her collectable small puppy.  She told me she’d be upset if I broke it.  Of course this is me we are talking about so I broke it’s tail.  I crawled under the kitchen table and bawled all day. I worried her sick, she finally found out why and she chuckled before saying she’ll glue it back together.  She quickly did so before smiling and putting it back.  I’ve never felt so bad before!  My second is more calm and simple.  My grandma got me a toy Polaroid camera,  I ran all around the house pretending to be her.  If there was one thing she was always doing, it was taking pictures of me.  She always made me feel special. 

Seeing her here lately is a completely different experience for me.  She has memory loss so she can forget me.  Yesterday she didn't recognize me, today she did.  It’s on and off.  She can’t speak very good,  It’s mostly mumbles and gibberish.  Even though all this is happening she’s still the same lady who took care of me and that I love so much.

I’m scared,  My biggest fear is losing my grandma.  My family and close friends all know this.  It’s something that scares me so much.  I’ve spent nights crying just thinking about it and I feel like its becoming a reality.  I can barely even talk about her without crying.  my dad says she’ll be lucky to make it to the end of the week.

I’m being my strongest I can be and I plan to keep being my strongest.  I’m trying to stay positive and happy, I’ve been distracting myself a lot.  I am struggling, That’s the truth.  That doesn’t mean I’m not going to keep trying my best be be happy.

This took a long time to type and a lot of tears.  I’m going to keep praying for her and hope everything gets better.  Please everyone have a safe night, and pray for your loved ones too,  I love you all.

~Anon