The Bachelor - After The Final Rose Recap

I love the latest recap! And I thought I would help you out a bit... the C-list country star in the latest episode was Jon Pardi. He's had one song on the radio, I think. He's okay. It was weird that Andi said that Marcus was a big fan.

Thank you so much! I rewound a couple times trying to hear and even had a failed Google search but found nothing.

I am surprised that Marcus is a fan of country music at all. He strikes me as the kind of guy who thinks that Coldplay is without question the best band of all time, and to be really alternative sometimes he listens to Weezer's The Blue Album.

For anyone interested, click over the song title to be hyperlinked to Jon Pardi's hit single "Up All Night" (which is disappointingly not a country cover of the One Direction song by the same name).

For the past two weeks I have been watching ALL OF THE SPORTS on the Olympics and crying so many tears at every human interest piece and subsequent gold medal win. It's been the best. But, due to all the Olympic hullaballoo, my favorite summer TV show has been on hiatus.

So You Think You Can Dance went on a, very wise, two week break so they didn't have to worry about competing with the games. But I miss it! I miss it so much! Which is why when I saw this video yesterday I was filled with awe and wonder and joy. It contains enough artistry and incredible technique to tide me over until the show returns next Wednesday.

So please enjoy as much as I did, also, as much as Yo-Yo Ma clearly did. I think it's so amazing how much these two are collaborating and inspiring each other. 

And just in case it's not enough, click through here to watch one of my favorite feel-good routines from the show that I don't think got enough credit.

Come back to me soon, Cat Deeley!

Sexy Halloween Costumes: Men's Edition

   It's that time of year again, y'all. Halloween costume anxiety season. There is much ado about what to go as, whether it be topical, witty, scary, or the current favorite amongst women of all ages, "slutty". For women there are "sexy" versions of Halloween costumes for everything from Big Bird to an ear of corn, while the men are left hung out to dry.

No longer. For your benefit, gents, I've put together a list of Halloween costume ideas that are the male-equivalent of "sexy" - Costumes we ladies would be amped to see and you would enjoy sporting (MEN- you may be surprised at the absence of a single beer-related costume) ---

Star Wars X-wing Fighter Pilot - You love Star Wars; we love Star Wars. Pretty much the only cool-looking iteration of a Star Wars character is the Fighter Pilots, and plus, wearing the Jedi Robes pretty much ensures you'll be mistaken for Jesus or Moses or other decidedly un-sexy biblical figures all night.

Top Gun - Maverick and Goose are ueber-dudes (volleyball scene excluded), so it works to the top of your manliness and right to the ladies' love of a flight suit covered in patches and good pair of aviators.

Robin Hood - Archery is really having a moment this year, so play to the strengths of the times. Robin Hood is heroic in a very "stick it the 1%" kind of way and has always had great swagger. Extra props if you go as the sexiest film Robin Hood - the fox from Disney's animated version.

The Brawny Man - Not only is this costume cheap, it's also clever and awesome. You wear a henley (I advocate any costume choice that involves henleys), a plaid shirt (also great), blue jeans, and carry an axe and a roll of paper towels. Boom. Sexy.

Dr. Henry Walton aka Indiana Jones - I think probably a lot of men go as action-hero Indy, but I would urge you to take the subtler, more intellectual route and go as his professorial self. Do the whole professor-bowtie-tweed-glasses look and carry a bull whip for good measure and extra self-defense. Everybody loves a sexy professor with a bull whip...I think.

Young Teddy Roosevelt - One time Teddy Roosevelt got shot in the chest, then gave a ninety minute speech, THEN went to the hospital. He was practically a superhero. And he liked to wear khaki and pith helmets, so you can be the first of the progressive presidents, a total badass, and an environmentalist. He covers a lot of demographic appeal. Full push-broom mustache a must.

GROUP COSTUMES:

The Beatles - Do Abbey Road, or the Ed Sullivan show suits, or black turtlenecks, or just embody the essence of each Beatle. Do not, I repeat, do NOT do Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band. This is colorful and fun and a great album cover - this is NOT a sexy Halloween group costume.

The Princess Bride - Westley would be a great, romantic single costume, but why not have more fun and bring along Inigo Montoya with his rapier and Fessik with some peanuts, and even Humperdink to be a dastardly devil.

Sexy Founding Fathers - Comedy gold and and historically relevant. Look, it's an election year, so you can bet your bippy that there will be more than a few Obamas, Romneys, Ryans, and hell, even Bidens. But what you'd never expect is a group of our nation's founding father's in various states of late 18th century undress. Roll up your khaki pants, hike up your white tube socks, wear some dress shoes and slap on a thermal or (duh) a thermal henley. Boom. Slutty, slutty Andrew Jackson. 

   That wraps up this (FREE - these are free) list of some great sexy male costume ideas for this All Hallows Eve. Let me know how these work out, and happy trick-or-treating, gentlemen.

The Bachelorette - Episode 7 Recap

    After spending several weeks at home and abroad with this gaggle of men, surely I’m not the only who recognizes that they are perhaps not the brightest  group of individuals. So this week in Prague, I’m sure they’ll be delighted to find out it is indeed a part of Europe, and no, it’s no longer Czechoslovakia. Regardless, I’m sure the romance quotient will be high, so let’s move onwards toward the mackin’ and the fightin’ in the final episode before home towns!

              Prague is picturesque and gorgeous as Emily voices over the classic Bachelorette shots of her walking around alone looking pensive. The men arrive to meet Chrarrison in a square on foot as they find out that this week there will be three one-on-ones and one group date. With home towns looming, the stakes are higher than ever.

Arie has the first one-one-one where they’ll “Czech out Prague together”. Good pun but another boring walk around the city date? I don’t miss the Fear Factor style dates from Ben’s season, but can we do something more special? I guess the occasion is special enough for Emily to bust out her glittery formal shorts though.

             They wander about and kiss and do touristy things that will bring you luck in love just like in all the other cities. But Emily is questioning his loyalty because she knows something personal about him that he doesn’t know she knows. Secrets, secrets that they let us know in the previews…

WHY ABC? WHY, PRODUCTION TEAM? Why did we decide that having Chris Harrison give a short monologue in front of the Bachelor Mansion about Arie’s “brief past relationship with Bachelor producer Cassie [no relation] Lambert” was the best idea?! We get the key information, but at what cost?

           Cassie told Emily all about it, and we caught that conversation on camera. Emily is less upset that they actually dated and more upset that Arie hasn’t even acknowledged that he knows this woman who has become pretty close friends with Emily during the show. “It’s not a production thing; this is a real life thing. I know something about Arie that he’s not telling me,” is how she boils it all down.

Back on the date, Emily is grilling Arie about loyalty and trustworthiness to see if she can bring it out of him. Having seen enough sitcoms to know, playing games around it will never work. She needs to just be “upfront and honest, almost too honest” as Arie himself says.

Oh my gosh, nooooo. No more weird Chris Harrison monologues from the too-sunny Bachelor Mansion! But I guess they HAVE TO because Arie, Emily, and Cassie all had “a very honest discussion about the relationship…OFF CAMERA” (emphasis mine). Ok, I get it that these are real people’s lives and emotions we’re dealing with but those same people also agreed to “find love” through a TELEVISED SHOW. Emily and Arie both come to agree that the relationship was so brief that it didn’t matter and still doesn’t affect how much those two want to bang.

They have a lovely river boat cruise and are all lovey-dovey with each other about the whole misunderstanding. Do I even need to tell you that they don’t eat any food and kiss a lot? They don’t, and they do.

         The next one-on-one date will go to JohnWolf. He’s the last remaining guy to not have a one-on-one and is very relieved to receive a date card reading “in Prague, all you need is love.” Chris is livid that he isn’t getting a date, but doesn’t want to lose his cool in front of the guys even though it is “killing him inside.” Take it easy, Chris.

Arie and Emily are cruising along already talking about how excited Arie is for her to meet his family. Then he drops the bomb! He says, “Can I tell you something?...I’ve just been thinking a lot about all of this and you...Actually, Croatia did it for me. I think that’s why I love Croatia so much. I think I realized that I love you.” And their heads get closer and closer together. And she is just beaming joy. It is a game changer. They watch fireworks over the city and the river together. Watch out, boys. Arie-man is in town for good.

                              JohnWolf gets his very first date with our Bachelorette. He is wearing light blue pants. They’re on an architecture cruise with no tour guide (WHY) and walk around the city. They come upon the John Lennon wall and Emily gives a kind of plain and simple explanation about it and freedom vs. communism and music? I don’t know. Then they do this thing where they write names on a lock and lock it to this fence to solidify love. That seems a little soon. But no matter, John and Emily had a hard time closing the lock which is a terrible omen they both agree.

Arie, back in the harem, brings up exactly what I was just thinking of poor, dear JohnWolf. “He is fighting an uphill battle,” Arie tells a pensive crowd. John is having a first date the day after Arie felt strongly enough about this woman to say that he loved her. It’s just not a contest he’s going to be able to win.

Of course, Chris is being a whiny little princess that he can’t spend time with Emily. He’s sick of the process and just goes to make himself a drink. He’s lucky the view from his sad window is spectacular.

               So, someone on the production team thought it would be a hoot for John and Emily to have their dinner in a dungeon, an ancient, cold, damp dungeon. Perfect. Almost as perfect for romance as the Tower of London. Keep in with the torture theme, John tells the story of his last love and how he was spurned. His girlfriend disappeared for three days and cheated on him “with some doctor dude.” Emily feels bad about this like any normal human would, but you can sense her having the mothering sympathy for him rather than girlfriend sympathy. She did this with brain-injury Charlie, Nate (the guy who cried in the cave), and poor Travis. Not a good sign for Wolfie. Despite sitting on opposite sides of the settee, they share a wee kiss.

                    The group date card comes in for Sean, Doug, and Chris. Chris is maaaad, but I am thrilled because that means more solo Jef time! John coming home from the date sparks something inside Sean to go running through the streets of Praha calling Emily’s name to find her. He wanders about and finally finds her down a long covered street. She is happy to see him and lights up looking at him there on that street. They grab a beer in a random café. For my money, that would be the perfect date in Prague, not some dungeon. It pays off for Sean too as they make-out in there and on the street. Maybe he’ll be the one getting the group date rose.

                     Rural Czech Republic is like a fairytale town which is a great setting for this group date. Oh my gosh, a new mode of transportation! A rainy day carriage ride with three huge men, one tiny lady, and too many umbrellas. They get to the top of the hill to explore an incredible 13th century castle. Humble Doog gives a gracious toast to Emily, but she’s still unsure of the chemistry between them.

             They have a talk in a castle tower, and Emily correctly points out that his body language is off and he apologizes for touching her. It’s just not happening. With a crack of thunder, Emily declares she knows what she has to do.

She talks to him about how he’s moving so slow that there’s no movement. He kisses her. I groan in discomfort. She says thank you, but still goes through with letting him go because she has too much respect for him to keep him away from his son. This poor, poor man. He is a humble Doog, but a good Doog. I think he’s truly hit from the blind side by it. He wants so badly for his son to have a mom and a full family. Ohhh, that hits me in the heart. Right in the heart-bone. Good luck to you and Austin, Doug!

                Now it’s an impromptu two-on-one with Chris and Sean and one rose. She and Sean break away first after a weird key to “unlock the chat” gimmick. They have generic meeting the family talk and then have kissy time both there and in the tower stairwell. It’s not as hot and heavy as she an Arie, but the chemistry is definitely there.

Chris is planning on confronting Emily about why he didn’t get a one-on-one. Oh, great idea, Chris. Spend what precious little time you have with this woman pressuring her about her decision making skills. Perfect. The conversation is strained and boring because Chris is a vacuous butthead. She closed-lips kisses him a couple times while Chris voices over that he thinks he’s falling in love with her.

Based on the kisses Emily and Sean shared both the night before and this night, Sean is the shoe-in for the rose. She does give the rose to Sean while Chris just boils in his skin. He is insulted that she would want to meet Sean’s family over his. If I didn’t dislike this guy before, I really don’t like him at all now.

                 No matter about that stupid angry Muppet, it’s JEF TIME! The date card said “pull at my heartstrings” and that is, obviously, puppetry related. They visit a puppet/marionette shop! The puppeteer makes the Michael Jackson (RIP) marionette dance, and they joke around about other puppets. They are so cute together, but I cannot get over that this is just a little freaky and weird. When the two of them leave with the two marionettes of themselves, Jef runs back in to buy a tiny princess marionette to make sure they had Ricki too. How incredibly sweet is that? Kill me. It’s so sweet.

           I literally gasped out loud when they walk into the most beautiful library I’ve ever seen in my whole life. It’s like the library from Beauty and the Beast it’s so beautiful. So, what better location to reenact the highlights of their relationship thus far with puppets? Wait, what? This is getting weirder. I guess it works because the two of them are so goofy together, and they actually totally win me over with how precious it actually is.

I hate how much this is so cute. I laugh out loud at their puppet comedy. Via puppet, Jef says that he is “One hundred, no, one million per cent in love with her…Can we get a dog together?” and then I DIED. I DIED FROM HOW ADORABLE THAT IS. They mack and then their puppets hit faces because of it. Cheers to the camera guy and editors who pieced that mirror imaging together.

                  Ok, so the one thing I’m nervous about with Jef is his family situation. Emily won’t be meeting his parents because they’re in South Carolina and “committed to some stuff for a few years out there.” Really? Years? So Jef’s two brothers (THANK GOD) and two sisters (the third is in China) will be there. He admits that he once broke up with a girl because his family didn’t like her, which is scary, but I don’t think Emily has anything to worry about there.

They snuggle up on the floor and look up at the library and talk about marriage and living together and kids and their future. That is a really serious conversation, but it comes so natural to them. The chemistry is easy and great and just always there for those two. AND THEN I DIE AGAIN BECAUSE HE SAYS, “I wanna date you so hard and marry the f*** outta you.” LIKE, FOR REAL? REAL MEN EXIST WHO SAY SHIT LIKE THAT? ALTHOUGH I GUESS HE’S MORE AN ELF KING/GOBLIN PRINCE THAN A MAN SO MAYBE IT IS STILL ONLY MYTH BUT HE IS THE ULTIMATE.

               The men arrive in exquisite vintage Rolls Royces for the rose ceremony (Is anyone keeping a tally on the modeS of transportation?) at an equally exquisite Czech manse. Chris is already crying in his voice over about taking Emily for granted. JohnWolf is very confident though, and while I do not think he could win this at all, I am pulling for him. You go, Wolfie!

To say the shiny blue dress Emily is wearing is slinky and sexy would be the understatement of the century. She and Chrarrison have my favorite time, heart-to-heart time. She forgoes the cocktail party because she is so sure of her decision. But Chris wants to talk to her to fix things! To cry and to fix things!

            Emily gives a heartfelt speech to her guys about her decision making process and how she’s really starting to feel real love “which makes every second that she’s away from Ricki worth it.” And with that, she calls forth Jef, then Arie, and we are down to our predicted final two of Chris and Wolfman. There’s a long dramatic pause and then Chris steps up to talk to Emily. Everyone feels the tension sky rocket. Chris apologizes for his boyish actions on the date and let’s her know he’s “ready to be the man that she deserves.” It all just seems so scripted to me and planned out and not effective.

               In the end, after the longest pause they could possibly muster, Emily gives Chris the rose. I may or may not have shouted a four-letter word at the TV at this. I am outraged and shocked. I mean, I know that Chris doesn’t stand a chance, but he’s still a d-bag. I rue the day I run into him in Chicago. Yuck. Yucky. Yuckiest that his little speech may just have worked.

               Well, that brings us to the end of this week and we’re headed all over America for the hometown dates next week. I have a fever and am hopped up on some good medicine, so with this journey-ers, I’m getting a big bowl of mango sorbet and stalking Jef Holm on Tumblr. Godspeed, y’all.

Some bonus Jef because I love you guys...

   Elvin King of my Heeeaarrrtt!

Henley Monday - 

Coming at you hot and fresh at the 11th hour CT we've got your weekly dose of henley hunk. If it's possible for there to be a henley I didn't like, this one would be in contention: short sleeve - good, extra long placard - good, white - great, but the ribbing? BAD. Ribbing is very very bad and yet somehow I still love old Bumbleding Candlehat in it. Same goes for the goatee.

Here lies our empirical evidence that Benedict Cumberbatch can do no wrong.

The Bachelor - Episode 9 Recap

Buckle up everyone! It's going to be a bumpy ride! The final few weeks are often the most wrought with emotion, but also the time when it gets harder and harder to fill a two-hour time slot. So let’s see what happens when the gang goes to Thailand and some “suite” cards are laid on the table.

We arrive in the terribly specific “South of” Thailand where Sean describes it as “something out of a movie”. I assume because he has seen movies with his eyes and probably never read books with his brain to compare the scenery to.

Sean thinks about the week to come as he sits on a boat, then walks across the beach, then does a quick change into a tank top to think about the week as he walks through the hotel, then a rock garden, then while lying in a hammock. Sean thinks about Catherine while sitting in front of a fountain. Sean thinks about AshLee while looking off into the middle distance. Sean thinks about Lindsay while walking across the beach! So much thinking and recapping he has to do! He even has to think about it while going for a dip in the pool!

The name of the place they’re staying is Si Kao, and it’s pronounced Sea Cow and that is HILARIOUS stuff right there. Lindsay comes barreling out of the hotel in five inch platform heels and seafoam skirt. Lindsay is excited to tell Sean at their date tonight that she is “in fact” in love with him. Because falling in love with him is NOT ENOUGH for this show.

They get to walk around a cool, local market. They try all sorts of fruits and treats and see cute clothes. Sean remembers Lindsay saying that she’s up for trying anything, but she won’t eat a bug. So he beelines for the bug stand as soon as he sees it. They try a grub and a grasshopper. She doesn’t like it, but Sean is so brave that she manages to do it for him. Isn’t that sweet and codependent?

“I feel like I’m with my high school sweetheart, and that’s what I’m looking for in a marriage,” Sean tells us of Lindsay. I can’t even start with all the problems. First of all, what? Secondly, like are you trying to get back what you had with your high school sweetheart or? What? Seriously, I don’t get this. What?

They sit on the beach and discuss how good their relationship is. “You’re the best friend that I’ve been looking for,” he tells her. I don’t know why, guys, but I’m calling it right here that Sean picks Lindsay. That’s right. My official prediction is that Sean picks the girl who wore a wedding dress the first night.

As the sun sets over “Yong Ling Beach” or “monkey beach” as the helpful scroll tells us, the happy couple help destroy the delicate ecosystem of Thailand by feeding grapes to the monkeys who live there. The monkeys are cute, but my God, people. This is not the way we’re going to save our planet! Don’t give wild monkeys grapes!!! I just hope you washed your dirty little paws.

We do get some spectacular shots of Sean and Lindsay kissing in the water while a monkey eats some grapes, though. Bless, monkeys and camera people, bless.

Dinner takes place in front of spangley, sparkly, blinking Thai floats and flowers made of petals around their little dais. It’s very beautiful if a little garish, but hey, what’s this show if not a little garish? They continue having fun and just talking about why they like each other. Sean also brings up her moving to Dallas, being engaged, picking out a house. These are specific and serious topics. He likes her big time!

She repeats a few times that she takes this all “very serious” and when it comes to family and love she takes it “very serious”. This woman is a teacher, everyone. This woman who doesn’t understand how to even SPEAK with proper grammar and adverb use could be teaching your children. WOE TO THE FUTURE WHERE GRAPE CRAZED MONKEYS AND INARTICULATE CHILDREN SHALL RULE.

Just as she’s getting the gumption to say the words “I love you” to a man contractually obligated not to say them back, a traditional parade of Thai dancers and musicians trounce out. Lindsay is awestruck and keeps asking how to say “thank you” which I appreciate. I like that she is soaking up the culture and trying very hard to be polite.

The moment of truth arrives! Sean hands Lindsay the fantasy suite card, and she struggles through reading it out loud. Lindsay takes no time in accepting the fantasy suite.  FINALLY, when they get in the suite, she hems and haws and squeaks out that she loves Sean. The music swells. I am underwhelmed.

AshLee is up next. She is positively bursting with joy to be here with the love of her life and can’t stop proclaiming how wonderful he makes her feel. They set sail on a big old boat to get somewhere special. I love boats and taking boat rides so much, y’all. AshLee would be content to be on that boat all day and so would I, girl, so would I. But JUST KIDDING! No more relaxing fun for you. Sean is putting you through yet another Fear Factor of Love and making you relinquish control by having him blindly navigate you through a sea cave to get to a private beach.

Have you guys ever seen the movie “The Beach” with Leonardo Dicaprio and Tilda Swinton? There’s a legend about this pristine beach off the coast of Thailand, and Leo really wants to find it. So they finally find it after many trials and live there in this nutso hippie commune and Tilda Swinton is, shocker, totally bazoo, and everything comes crashing down after there is a shark attack and no one can get the injured parties to help fast enough? Yeah so basically that’s all I was thinking about while they got through the cave and finally to the beach.  It is a terrible movie, and this is an equally terrible thing to do to a girl.

In true Bachelor fashion, both Sean and AshLee manage to make being lost in a pitch black sea cave a metaphor for being in a relationship. “I want to prove to her that I can get her to safety without a problem,” Sean assures us. Yeah, ok, great, good thing you need to constantly prove your manhood.

Over dinner, four blinking boats at harbor watch over their wee beach cabana. They talk about why they like each other and how much AshLee loves him.  When the card is presented, AshLee is hesitant. Sean lays out his intentions to use the time to just be alone and talk with no distractions. She is concerned about how things will be perceived, but she ends up accepting.

In the suite they talk about their relationship and how far they’ve come. AshLee tells him exactly what she wants in an engagement ring which makes me cringe. Don’t jinx yourself, lady. Don’t get too far ahead of him!

Catherine has the final date of the week. She adorably comes running up behind him and adorably surprises him with a kiss hello. They get to go for one long big boat ride! They get to go on one of those fancy Asian boats with the big red sails. Am I painting you a picture with my words?

The first thing we see is Catherine screaming “I’m the queen of the world!” from the bow of the ship. Come on Catherine. You and I both know you’re better than that. But they lay down for some heart to heart and talk about how Catherine is totally herself, weirdness and all, in front of Sean. He kisses her head about four times while she’s talking. He likes her too! She’s so cute I can’t handle it. Damn you, Catherine! Let’s be friends!

They have an actual conversation about their future and where they’re both at in terms of wanting to settle down. I like the two of them together you guys. I don’t want to think Sean’s going to pick Lindsay because I think he should pick Catherine!

“Snorkeling. Is. Awesome,” is all Sean has to say about how awesome snorkeling is. The two of them can’t get over how much they like each other. They kiss in the rain and guess what we see? Way too much of Sean’s tongue, that’s what.

Over dinner, Sean asks her more questions about their future. Catherine gives the textbook answers about marriage and kids. She goes on to explain her hesitations about the fantasy suite, and he reassures her about his “intentions” one more time. She accepts!

Catherine gets the best fantasy suite because hers has a little mini pool for swimming and sexy times. She actually has a nice, sincere moment where she tells him that she’s been a little insecure in her life and that she feels totally comfortable around him. He says, “I’m the lucky one!” That is nice. They have a good time. Catherine says journey.

We are reminded of the fact that this is the point at which Emily sent Sean home last time. Sean feels like he’s resolved as to who he’s sending home, and feels confident all through his conversation with Chrarrison. His baby blues almost tear up even as he talks about sending this “sweet” woman home. But, at the end of the day, Sean does see himself getting down on one knee because he is in love with at least one of the women here.

Chrarrison pulls that same video message crap that they pulled last season. Lindsay, Catherine, and AshLee leave emotional and awkward video messages for Sean about just how much he means to her. It is torture to sit through. Sean tears up at all three, but especially during AshLee’s very emotional proclamation about how together they are whole. He isn’t smiling though. Oh, no. Oh, boy. Things look bad. AshLee looks good though. Her dress is boob-tacular.

Moment of truth. Chrarrison gives a somber speech. Sean gives a somber speech about how blindsided he was when Emily sent him home and how sorry he is to be doing the same to one of these women. The first rose goes out to Lindsay, so AshLee and Catherine must wait in agony to find out if their hearts will be shattered. It’s the longest pause in the history of the Bachelor, but finally, quietly he calls Catherine’s name.

The look on AshLee’s face is one that you might see on a person about to kill or seriously maim another person. She is livid. She silently walks out of the rose ceremony as Lindsay whispers, “she looks pissed”. Sean follows and tries to start giving his speech, but AshLee turns right around and says, “Just stay here,” and keeps walking towards the car.

She eventually relents and lets him explain himself. He seriously looks like he’s going to puke as he tears up and tries to explain what’s going on and does a TERRIBLE job at giving her closure. “I think the world of you,” are some pretty effing hollow words, my man. “This wasn’t some silly game to me,” AshLee spits out in the van, “This wasn’t some joyride about joking and laughter and fun.” I believe her 100%, but I think that might’ve also been part of the problem. It would not kill Ash to lighten up just a little. She turns away from the cameras as the real tears start to flow, and we get a pull-away shot of Sean with his head in his hands.

Well, wasn’t that nice and depressing? Real-live heartbreak piped straight into your living room! No matter! Next week is the Women Tell All, and after this season, it is shaping up to be the most dramatic one ever. I mean we’ve got Tierra, we’ve got Amanda, we’ve got Desiree, we’ve got poor one-armed Sarah who should be my friend! It’s gonna be bad, and it’s gonna be so, so good. See you for the juiciness next week, y’all!

Boo Hiss: Jingles

                    It would appear that the commercial jingle is back and back with the vengeance of a Spider-Man, a Conan the Barbarian, or a guy from any movie/show/legend in which he becomes a Gladiator.

Looking back on my childhood, the jingle that stands out most is Meow Mix. That little cat is now singing inside of your head. With one onomatopoetic word, they created something that stuck with people, across generations, for years and years. Smart.

The only other two stand out examples are products of Chicago-land's greatest carpeting and flooring rivalry: Empire vs. Luna. Here are the lyrics to these two jingles:

800-588-2300 Empiiiiire

vs.

773-202-*sound of four phone keys being pushed* Lunaaaaa

Creative. Anyone who grew up within a three hour radius of Chicago can start one of these jingles, and by the end at least two other people will have joined in. What they lack in creativity, they make up for in brevity and being memorable. Smart.

Now, all this is to say that the jingle has always seemed to me like a thing of the past to me, like something out of I Love Lucy. They're effective only to a certain point (e.g. I don't buy cat food, and I've not yet had a need for floor covering), and, most importantly, they can backfire. The recent outcropping of jingles has, I fear, done just that.

Take this piece of crap for instance: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UH3CshbUHZY&feature=related

This is what my brain does during that commercial:

"This song is relevant to pizza, but what's all this scrawling across the screen? It's too small then TOO BIG! And his red pants and his murdery red room and he sounds a little pitchy, dawg and the doodling's not helping. Those rocker hands look like cacti. Who is that big-nosed guy in the back? Is that Inspector Clouseau? That's a pretty big rip-off, and he doesn't have anything to do with pizza! Oh, it's over...What was he saying"

Not smart.

This commercial jingle from Post-Its though makes the Pizza Hut song sound like sweet baby cherubim: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Q3DMW4e0OE

I am filled with bilious rage on hearing this song. This isn't even a jingle anymore, this is a 90s lady-singer-songwriter jam about plastic tabs. It reminds me of that episode of Friends where Phoebe's old music partner comes back, and she writes shitty jingles for stew and sells out "Smelly Cat" (fun fact: that actress also voiced Tommy Pickles!).

Look, Post-It has a brand and they are sticking to it. Their products truly make my life easier, but there are no ground breaking situations in which I'd use a "durable tab" they've presented to me there.

Where would I use "a durable tab"? Pretty much anywhere I have a plain old, REGULAR POST-IT like my planners, cookbooks, files, paper work, but for Pete's sake, if your binder dividers for a home assembled take-out book didn't come with built-in tabs, then that's your fault for being an idiot and not thinking about that at Office Depot when buying them.

NOT SMART.

I do not think these jingles are effective. I do not think they have a place on my TV or in my brain. The problem that they demonstrate is that we're moving away from the purpose of a jingle in the first place. It was quick, catchy, memorable. This latest crop are long, over-wrought, over-produced songs. They have nothing original to say, they're just statements with a tune.

It's tough to admit given their abundance, but the only people doing it right are the Free Credit Score guys. They are clever and present their information in a unique way. I'm not super pumped when one gets stuck in my head, but when it inevitably does, I don't want to kill all the things in the world (lookin' at you, Post-its).

In the end, if you're not using music as a means to disguise an otherwise boring ad, you can stick around. But if you are...then BOO HISS.

Distraction 2012 -

The political climate outside today, right now, like this very second, is...heated, shall we say. Today is the most important day of the year, and it happens to only come around once every four years (like leap year or the olympics, only filled with painful anxiety). It's election day.

And while it is CRAZY IMPORTANT THAT YOU GO OUT AND VOTE, it's also important to keep yourself sane. If you're anything like me, starting right now, you're compulsively refreshing CNN and the New York Times every 10-15 seconds to keep up to the moment.

But this, my friends, is maddening. So I'll be periodically posting videos and pictures and fun things from the internet to keep your mind distracted from the pit of diarrhea-inducing anxiety in your stomach about the results of today's presidential election.

Here is a video of Hank Green (of Vlog Brothers fame. DFTBA, yo) bringing you fascinating information from this past week in Science. SciShow in general is a great rabbit hole of distraction, so feel free to keep clicking around that channel.

PS - I literally shed a few tears when he showed me pictures of the underside of the vampire squid. I cried. I'm definitely distracted knowing that thing is out there...WAITING.

Henley Monday -

Hi everyone. I'm so hungover today I feel like I've been impregnated by a Dementor. I feel that close to a soulless, trance-like existence that is worse than death. Please accept this picture of repeat offender Chris Pine with his piercing blue eyes in a henley as payment for my soul back please.

I'll be over here in the dark with a cold compress and lots of tea.

I love you all.

Class dismissed.

Henley Monday -

I want you all to know that if I wanted to, I have enough photos of Ryan Gosling in DIFFERENT henleys to feature him as our Henley Monday for just over four months. That's a lot of Ryan in a lot of henleys. But I don't want to phone it in and give you solely our, albeit glorious, Patron Saint of Henleys.

So this Monday, with a plethora of new hunks from which to choose, I give you Ian Somerhalder. Doesn't he look passionate? What it is that's making him smolder so particularly hard right here? Due to the volume and high number of lashes that line his piercing blue eyes, Ian almost always looks like he's smoldering, but putting on this henley made him burn up a couple extra degrees.

May his stare keep you warm during these unseasonably cold days.