The Bachelorette - Episode 4 Recap

The Bachelor - Episode 8 Recap

"Caliente pero no caliente"

Oh my sweet, sweet friends. Do you know how much I treasure each and every one of you? It’s true. We are few, but we are proud hate-to-love, love-to-hate watchers of the Bachelor and this season, my, has it ever leaned more towards the hate side. I enjoyed chiding Sean Lowe for being a little dim, but if Sean was dim, Juan Pablo is one of those cave salamanders who evolved blind because they live in the complete absence of light. But we’ll delve into that later, for now, it is time for the historic, and often ill-fated, Hometown Dates.

Nikki is up first which bodes well for her. They never put a particularly bad/eventful hometown in the beginning. She hails from Kansas City, Missouri and if my friend Candice’s mother is to be believed, it is known as the “Fountain City” and has the most fountains in America! It’s a beautiful fall day, and they are dressed like models in a catalogue.

“Being in Kansas, it’s the Midwest. And I kind of like a little cowboy!” Nikki says of her plans for their day. Sure. You can like a little bit of a cowboy, but as hearty Midwestern stock myself, I don’t think “cowboy” is one of the main descriptors of our men. Sturdy? Sure. Beefy? Absolutely. Cowboy? Ehhh.

  To prove his worth as a vaquellero, she takes Juan Pablo to a famous Kansas City bbq joint. It’s the real deal with plastic trays and sauces in bottles. Juan Pablo has never had bbq before and doesn’t even really recognize a rib. Turns out he LOVES barbeque though and is obsessed with the sauce. Then his final test of cowboy strength is to ride a mechanical bull in full daylight at an empty bar! Nikki just watches him ride around on the mechanical bull for awhile, and then he falls off. And then they ride it together. It’s yucky. Be glad you aren’t seeing it. Oh, and Nikki is in love with Juan Pablo and wants to tell him but can’t. That’s going to play out nicely.

Nikki’s family lives in a palatial estate. The mom, dad, and two brothers are all there. Nikki and her mom run away to have a chat right away. They talk about how there is a physical and a mental (HA) attraction. Her mom is right on board with her saying she loves him, with her saying that she would get engaged to him, with her being so head over heels.

  Now Nikki’s dad talks to Juan Pablo and it’s basically just a job interview to be her husband. He’s a sweet man, and Juan Pablo says all the appropriate platitudes. Nikki and her dad talk and the brother’s don’t even enter the frame of the camera. Nikki is tormented about telling Juan Pablo she loves him. And then he leaves. Byeeee!

Hey, y’all! We’re in Atlanta for Andi’s hometown. Juan Pablo is really excited. How excited? “Andi is just mmm,” he says.

Andi takes Juan Pablo to the firing range to shoot some guns. It is “some southern initiation” for sure, Andi. I like that she’s just doing her own shooting and target practice while Juan Pablo struggles in vain to get a bullseye. He finally gets one and makes good on their agreement that he can’t meet her family until he shoots a bullseye. Onward to her family where things aren’t all peaches and cream!

We’re meeting Mom, Dad, sister Rachel, and a brother-in-law. Her dad looks like a bald cave troll in an orange shirt in the most horrific shade of orange. As they tell the story of their aventuras around the world, Dad has already started grilling just about the number of women left at various points. He is red-faced and furious and sure that these two are just “infatuated” with each and not truly in love. That is a fair point dad. It’s like saying “I believe she believes she’s in love, but she’s not.”

Mom and Juan Pablo talk about not really anything. Then Mom asks Juan Pablo to show her his dance moves so he’s calls out ANDI BECAUSE HE’S SIMPLE AND DIDN’T REALIZE THAT SHE WANTED TO DANCE WITH HIM. Then he gets it and dances with Mom. They have fun.

Her father named Hy, which is the name of southern terror, sits down to grill JP. It’s all making something out of nothing just for TV’s sake. Juan Pablo asks in the end if Hy would accept him and his daughter in his own family. Then we break to commercial, but guess what guys it’s more something out of nothing because Hy says, “I won’t answer you because the person that is good enough for my daughter is going to come to me and say there is no one else in the world for me.” Which is really discerning. It’s a way of saying “let’s cross that bridge when we come to it.” I like it. I know he’s tough, but he’s a good dad. Yay Hy.

When Andi talks with her sister tough, she plants seeds of doubt into an already doubting Andi. She brings to the surface a lot of the concerns and problems she’d been pushing down from the beginning. Andi just doesn’t know. Andi is unsure. She is still unsure when talking to Hy, and could see herself falling in love with him. So while Nikki is definitely in love, Andi is still seeing that she could maybe fall in love with him. She keeps repeating that she is “very, very close to being in love with him” which isn’t really a thing. It’s just the same as saying “I really, really like him! Maybe this could be something good!” Which is NOTHING. HOW MANY TIMES DO WE ALL SAY THAT? We all say it so often.

Now we must move along to Sarasota, Florida to see Renee’s hometown date! She’s so beautiful and is jumping out of her skin excited to see her son Ben for the first time in eight weeks. I love her. I just love Renee. She is too good for Juan Pablo. She is perfect.

They reunite with Ben and Renee is beaming. She and Juan Pablo watch his little league game, and Ben is adorable. What a cute kid. Too bad he gets to have some future emotional baggage meeting a Venezuelan lothario on TV. Juan Pablo says he’s so excited to have a son so he can play baseball, football, basketball with him. AND NEWSFLASH BUDDY: YOU CAN DO ALL THOSE THINGS WITH CAMILA TOO BECAUSE GENDER ROLES DON’T NEED TO BE SO FIMRLY DEFINED, YOU DINGLEBERRY.

Renee, Ben, and Juan Pablo come over to Renee’s parents’ Florida casual home to meet the parents and her brother. Everything goes very well with everyone. The family is so warm and accepting because they are Renee’s family, so of course they are a delight. She tells her mom that she is head over heels in love with Juan Pablo and her mom urges her to tell him. Her dad is so mellow and sweet. I just love these people. They are top of the line, good people.

Renee ends the night, but doesn’t end up telling JP she loves him. The competitor in me wants her to “win”, but I feel like this season “winning” is more who doesn’t end up with Juan Pablo. So I want Renee to be free of him and to find the best man in the whole entire world who can be a dad to Ben and a rock for her.

The producer’s know and love how much I know and love their tricks of cutting to random wildlife, and have started off each hometown thusly. We started with cows at Nikki’s, then geese for Andi, then pelicans for Renee, and for Clare? In Sacramento, California? For that darling woman we get a squirrel and a buzzing beehive. Never change, producers. Never change.

Clare is obviously at a 15 to start and we climb higher and higher from there. She does however make a good point that anyone can feel like they’re falling in love on the exotic trips they have been on so far, but it takes something special to feel that way in a simple park. And again, in the interest of being fair, Clare talks a lot about her father, but I get it this time. She’s home, and she misses him. I can’t hate a woman for missing her dad who’s passed away.

  I feel like if Clare had saved all this heavyweight emotional stuff for right now, I would have liked her more. She tells a story about how her dad told her that whenever she misses him to just go to water and throw a rock, and as far as she throws that rock, he’s never farther away from her than that. I’m choked up just retyping that! That is beautiful. But it’s Clare. And she’s pulled the Dead Dad card way too much before now. And she’s too much. And she’s insane. It’s making it hard. At this point though, she and JP deserve each other. They aren’t hateful scum (Courtney and Ben), but they are certainly quite the Tweedledee and Tweedledum.

But there is a reason we have saved Clare’s hometown date for last. A big, big reason. A HUGE reason. It’s her oldest sister guys. She’s a huge ogre, and she is the worst. Drama erupts as Clare, the youngest of six girls, brings home the first man since her dad died. One of her other sister’s Lisa though is very sweet, very calm and very approving of Clare’s love. Her mother Aurelia is just a beautiful, strong matriarch with perfectly coiffed white hair. Aurelia is bomb.

  Sister Madeline is also so kind and asks good questions, but not in a mean way. She affirms Clare and calls her heart “tender”. The rest of them are all so low-key and docile, how did Clare get to be so high strung and crazy? Just youngest sibling syndrome? Surely there must have been something else.

Aw snap. Now it’s time for Shrek (sister Laura) to get her claws into Clare. She tells Clare that “they” are not ready to give a blessing for her hand in marriage. Aurelia, who they keep calling “mama”, is sitting right there and can’t get a word in edgewise. Laura is being a condescending jerk; even Aurelia is like “I just want you to be happy.”

“I’m not going to let you manipulate mama,” Shrek says, and then she stands up and crosses her arms because Clare is “not respecting mama.” Mama is sitting right there. Then Laura stands up and walks to the edge of the garden just to “watch” Clare talk to Mama. Laura is a cranky old maid. Shut up and go home. I’m sticking up for CLARE, Laura! That’s how much of an asshole you’re being!

And now we are at the crux of the reason that Juan Pablo is actually just a stupid man. Aurelia and he chat for a hot second in Español. Aurelia is baller, but when she asks about the weather in Venezuela he says “caliente pero no caliente” which is “hot but not hot”. When asked about your home country that you miss so much, all you can come up with is CALIENTE PERO NO CALIENTE??? Come on, hombre. He just doesn’t even have thoughts. In English or Spanish, there are no thoughts in Juan Pablo’s hollow head. Aurelia knows you need to get out of town, despite giving you her blessing.

Let us sweep right along to the rose ceremony! Chris Harrison walks each woman down the green mile to wait out their nerves. Everyone is feeling nervous and tense because this is probably the highest stakes rose ceremony of them all. It would be hard not to take it personally getting dumped right after a guy meets your family.

Juan Pablo tromps out to give a boring speech giving thanks for everyone’s open hearts and open homes, blah blah blah, let’s get to the blood bath. Nikki is called first. Then Clare. And now we wait it out between Renee and Andi. It’s Andi.

Which means my girl Renee is going home. And she is so sad. And it’s hard to see Renee be so sad because she is a pillar of grace and dignity and kindness and strength. I can’t say enough good things about Renee. Juan Pablo understands the gravity of the situation because he starts crying as soon as he looks at her.

Even as they part ways, she is so gracious, and says she is grateful for the experience of opening herself up to love again. And he cries a lot. And tells her how much he respects her. And even though it’s not much, it’s something. It’s something to be respected. Renee you will flourish and find someone so much better than that old bag. I do even believe she has a good chance of becoming the next Bachelorette. She’s got a lot going for her in that department, but I almost don’t want that for her or her son. We’ll see.

So that is the end of hometowns! You guys, are you so excited that you get to come back TOMORROW for another recap?! I am excited. It means we get to spend more time in the alternate universe that is The Bachelor. They are promising us a very dramatic, very juicy Fantasy Suite episode. So pop over to find me on Twitter @Chasspod, hangout with me here on Tumblr for more recaps and other fun things, and don’t forget you can send me questions/comments with the ask button! I’m trying to start answering those more because I love interacting with you guys about all this hoo-ha. ¡Besos y hasta manaña, amores!

Female Empowerment Friday -

Today’s song is from Emeli Sande, one of my absolute favorite new female artists. She is straight up amazing. This song is one of my favorites to blast while I’m getting ready to go out because it makes me feel unstoppable and so affirmed! So do the same! Close your eyes and do a little dancing and let yourself feel full of life and wonder and fearlessness!

Her entire debut album “Our Version of Events” is fantastic as well. I highly recommend that for further listening throughout the day and your life in general.

#99 Toy Story - Not Just a Child's Play-thing

It's been just over a month since I had a dinner party at my place for the viewing of the 99th movie on the AFI list. At the rate I'm going, I'll be done with the challenge in...2014...crap...I need to step up my game. But at the risk of sounding despairing, let's just jump right into the run-down on this great American film.

The Good - The Bad - The Reason - The Food

                       The Good:

It's "Toy Story". It's a movie I loved when I was young and have learned to appreciate even more as I've grown up. This is, thanks to the careful crafting of John Lasseter, no accident. It was Pixar's goal when they set out to make a movie that would entertain the kids, but keep the parents happy too.  While this is now the norm, it was really one of the first "kids" movies to cater to both the adults as well as the kids.

It's seriously hilarious. When Buzz gets captured by Sid's little sister and gets all Stockholm-syndromy Mrs. Nesbitt?

              Truly horrifying child-villain Sid was voiced by late-90s teen heartthrob Erik von Detten.

So good.

It's a great story that has universal appeal. I think it's safe to say we all wished out toys would come to life and play along with us. Every single one of my Barbies had a unique name (the villain in the saga was played by a crop-haired fiend named Alanis), and I wished so hard every day that those dolls really came to life. Pixar tapped right into our wildest dreams and made them even cooler than we could have imagined. Best.

The Bad:

I think the bad in this case is more of a reflection on how good CG animation and Pixar has become over the years. The CG in "Toy Story" can at times look current and flawless, but sometimes the early stages of the process show through. There are a couple layers of blockiness they hadn't yet shaved off, and it can look strange. Again, this really reflects more on how far they have come in CG animation.

It's also short. Running at just 77 minutes, the pace moves along at quick a clip and can feel very hurried and a little chaotic. Compare this to "WALL-E" where we spend the first big chunk of the movie with two non-speaking robots, and it's a noticeable difference.

The Reason:

When "Toy Story" came out in 1995, it was the first ever completely CG-animated feature-length film. Now, almost twenty years later, CG-animation has become the absolute norm and it's because of the precedent set by Pixar. And, like I mentioned before, it was one of the very first family films that put jokes and bits in specifically for the parents/adults/older audience members. Just like in "Ben-Hur", I think "Toy Story's" position is based on how many precedents it has set. 

                                          Woody and Buzz Lightyear, voiced by Mayor of Hollywood Tom  Hanks and Michigan-native, Chevy-driving, Campbell’s soup-lover Tim Allen.

There are so many quotable lines that pop-up frequently in our generation. All of Woody's token pull-string phrases get dropped whenever anyone so much as says the word "boot". I dare you to say "Somebody's poisoned THE WATER HOLE!!!" to someone and wait for the inevitable "There's a snake in my boot!" or "Rrrreeeaaach for the skyyyyy"

On an end note, to really get a great idea of the kind of work and time and love went into "Toy Story", I recommend checking out the documentary "The Pixar Story." It's sweet and funny as well as an interesting look at all aspects of their very unique creative process.

The Food!

The obvious choice for the food would have been Pizza Planet pizza, but I didn't feel like slapping together a little 'za. I wanted to make something that would evoke childhood, a simpler time. I wanted the kind of food I would have scarfed down in between the hours of playing with Beanie Babies, Barbies, and Breyer horses (what was my thing about "B" toys?).

                                          This is Tour Guide Barbie from "Toy Story 2". Mattel was hesitant to use Barbie in the first film, unsure of how it would fare in theaters. When it became a huge success, they went in for the 2nd and 3rd.

I went with a six-cheese macaroni and cheese and hot dog casserole. I made a basic white-sauce then added one cup of cheddar, 1/2 cup of smoked cheddar, 1/2 of 4-cheese Italian blend (thanks Kraft!). The bottom of the casserole dish also had some of the Italian blend sprinkled. Mixed in with the cavatappi noodles were Nathan's all-beef hot dogs. Topped off with seasoned breadcrumbs, bacon bits, and parmesan cheese, I popped the dish into the oven until the crust was golden brown and all cheese bubbly.

It.was.so.good. We ate up every last bite.

We took a brief intermission during the movie to eat dessert. I made blonde-brownies following the recipe on the back of Nestle chocolate chips. Then cut them into bars and made ice-cream sandwiches! Delicious and rich and a little difficult to eat.

But it wouldn't feel like childhood if you didn't end up wearing most of your dessert, right?

The Bachelorette - Recap Delay

Everyone, everyone relax. Stop, it's ok. Listen to Chris Evans. Let him calm your storm that I'm going to be a day late posting this week's Bachelorette Recap. A LOT happened this week on the show, and a lot happened in the world. Wendy Davis' amazing filibuster, the SCOTUS ruling taking down DOMA and Prop8, and to  top it all off, I'm in the process of moving. Everything in my life is in boxes, including my wireless router, so I'm currently typing to you from inside a Starbucks.  The internet is on the slow side for streaming Hulu, so sadly I'll have to put up the recap tomorrow rather than today.

Please accept this picture of Chris Evans in a henley and thick-framed glasses as penance for my sins.

The Bachelorette - Episode 6 Recap

Welcome to what looks to be the most tumultuous episode of the Bachelorette yet. This season, more than any other, we have questionable guys with questionable motives, and some, even, with questionable sexual orientation. Spain looks to hold many a beautiful vista and many a tearful dude, so let's behold la locura.

I’m going to be honest with you guys and say that I’m most excited that they have brought Juan Pablo to Spain where his true beauty and adorableness will show through. I’m also excited for how much everyone is going to cry. As soon as the guys set foot in Barcelona (so jealous oh my GOSH) the Good Guys Club is already gunning to bring down King James.

First win for the GGC is that Drew, who one might call their captain, gets the first one-on-one date. Drew is very, very good looking, but I don’t much about him. I hope he uses his time to be a good dude and not just policing James.

They get to just explore one of the most beautiful and culturally significant cities in the world. *Sigh* How wonderful. It’s raining and they get hot chocolate and kiss at an open air café and, of course, eat tapas. Drew tells Desiree all about his dad who is a recovering alcoholic and how much he means to him. Some of the things he shares are things he’s never told anyone before. He’s such a little cutie all vulnerable like this. Desiree eats it right up and is swooning over his ability to be so open.

The Barcelona day has turned into a romantic noche. They have dinner in a candlelit courtyard. In his little interview Drew keeps saying that his “thoughts and emotions are running crazy”. He looks a little pink in the face, perhaps too much vino, Drew? Anyway, he’s got something up his sleeve.

He steals Des away from the courtyard so the two of them can make out in a dark, cobblestone corridor. It is pretty caliente, my friends. Way to go, Drew. Coming alive!

He has a mega-watt smile and it beams through the darkness as he gets the date rose. But he decides to ruin the moment by telling Desiree all about the James situation he bore witness to. She is pissed off. You can see the fire ignite behind her eyes, but she is very grateful to Drew for telling her.

The next day, we see the Good Guys Club have a pre-workout meeting about what Drew told Desiree. They are much pleased that she now knows the truth before the group date that James will also be on.

The group date is going to Brooks, Chris, Kasey, Michael, James, and Juan Pablo. So not only is Crazy Eyes Zak getting a one-on-one date, but Juan Pablo is not getting a one-on-one date in Spain. Fine. He’s a little wary too because he is missing being with his daughter to be here. Oh no. Oh please Juan Pablo. Have faith. “Paciencia y fé” as they say.

OH MY GOSH. OH MY GOSH. OH MY GOSH. THEY ARE PLAYING SOCCER AT THE RCD FÚTBOL CLUB SO JUAN PABLO SHOULD BE IN TOP FORM. He is like a panther out there, soaking in the sun, juggling the ball, scoring goals, stealing my corazón. All the guys know just how much this day is going to be about JP, and Brooks is adorably goofy about it. Brooks knows what’s up.

After practicing, they set up for a scrimmage of the Boys against Desiree and a professional woman’s soccer team. The dudes are incredibly, disgustingly sexist about it. Kasey says he was looking up with his game face, but stopped worrying once he saw girls. Brooks calls them girl scouts. But Juan Pablo, ever the gentleman, says “They could be really good players. But if they think they’re winning, that’s not gonna happen.” That’s more the spirit of competition and less the MISOGYNIST GARBAGE THE OTHER GUYS SPEWED.

The guys score the first two goals, and then it’s goal after goal after goal for the girls’ team. James is the worst goalie of all time. The women win 10 to 2. The girls have fun and celebrate, but the guys are busy being furious at James for just existing and also not even making an effort at goal tending.

Kasey is spearheading the GGC at the group date cocktail party. The party is at Des’ quarters for their stay in Spain. It’s this gorgeous old stone house with a courtyard and everything.

She takes Chris up to her bedroom, and they are precious together. You can see how much they actually like each other. Oh my god DES WROTE A POEM FOR CHRIS. THIS IS THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING:

From the first night, one knee on the ground

Charming and handsome

Instant attraction was found

At the dodgeball game

It was apparent; no shame

On top of that roof, overlooking that view

That was the moment I knew sparks grew

Dancing in the street the moments of bliss

Solidified my feelings for Chris

As the clock ticks, timing never late

For the connections to form each and every day

And the rose to one day grant us our fate

I look forward to the unknown and appreciate the emotion you have shown

I am hopeful to see if in your heart I have found a home.

  So, I guess it’s not as bad as Chris’s, but it’s kind of like comparing rotten apples to rotten oranges. They are obviously super into each other though, so if this is how they show it, then I’ll have to make peace with that.

Downstairs the Good Guys Club decides to confront James man-to-man about what Kasey and Drew overheard. The rest of the GGC is assembled to bear witness. James looks stunned after Kasey finishes his speech. Then a dramatic cut to commercial!

We’re back. We first cut to Desiree and Brooks being snuggly together. I get the two of them together. They are both kind of weird and just sweet people. But Brooks is worried about missing the gauntlet being thrown down to James.

Kasey is still heading up the GGC, but of course Michael, the harbinger of justice, has latched onto the attack. James is immediately defensive and part of what he says actually inclines me to believe him. Just a little bit.

Chris tries really hard to corral Michael and James from a full on blowout. Ok. Here is what I believe. James just went along with what Mikey said about intimate settings on his boat. He is not guilty there. But he is so deeply on the defensive about not saying that he wanted to be the next Bachelor, that he definitely feels that way. James flies off the handle on all of the GGC, including Chris who is just an innocent bystander at this point.

Kasey then takes it upon himself to tell Desiree about the whole situation again. This time he has the recent confrontation to bring to evidence, but nothing else new to bring. He also is such a dud. I’m sure he’s a good person, but man he is not even that great to look at for how bland he is.

After she’s given all the information, Desiree decides she needs to not give out the date rose and just have a chat with James. “The wall’s are closing in on James, and s**t’s about to hit the fan,” Desiree delivers.

They sit down to talk. Desiree sits down like a normal person on the chaise lounge and James reclines like a Roman senator. And in that one movement, James sums up he’s entire being. After Desiree tells James why she’s so upset with him, James starts the crocodile tears. He is on the defensive and lying and throwing Mikey right under the bus.

He’s talking too much and making too many excuses. I don’t even like James in the first place, so I’d just love to get rid of him for some more Juan Pablo time. James even goes so far as to say that Kasey and Drew made up those things because they’re jealous of the connection he and Des have. HA HA HA. Ok.

Now they are both crying. James waffles around a bit more. I don’t know you guys. I don’t know what she even has to be unsure of. This is so stupid. At the end of all this, she decides she needs to sleep on it. That is a fair assessment and good judgment on her part. But I’m sure the guys are going to be hellaciously furious.

Oh look at this, they are all sitting around talking about what a butthole James is and how he had this coming, but he’s on his way back to the hotel right now. They are not pleased to see him one bit. I don’t even know the truth at this point because James is crying a lot, but it could be tears of a guy who feels caught? I DON’T KNOW. I just don’t know anything at this point.

Zak is a good guy. He has crazy eyes and orange skin but he seems nice. He’s worried about how last night’s events could affect Desiree on the date today. Desiree has an “artistic afternoon” planned for their date to find their “inner Picasso”. Good heavens. The most famous artist out of Barcelona is Gaudi not Picasso, you idiots.

They have fun. They really laugh. They even have to sketch a nude model in their art class. Zak is a surprisingly great sport about the naked dude in the room though. Desiree even falls to the floor laughing at the self portraits they draw of each other.

Then Zak comes out in a robe! HOW RIBALD! He strikes some poses when he drops the robe to reveal his tightie-whities! Oh how they joke. This is the problem with Zak though. He actually is pretty fun and a sweet guy, but his tan is so, so gross. I just wish he would tone down some of the tanning and teeth bleaching and just be more “natural” as it were. I think I could picture him and Des more if he did.

For dinner the couple gets to dine in the deep of a cavas winery. It is old world and gorgeous.  Desiree seems to really be feeling Zak. And we all know from last week how she feels about his kissing ability. Zak shares his happy but boring childhood, but sweetens the pot by sharing how much he loves the spirit of adventure. Desiree really likes that.

After a spicy little kiss, Desiree gives him the rose. “At this point in my life, you kinda mean everything to me,” Zak tells her. I’m distracted by the fact that there are two untouched steaks on the table in front of them. Why wouldn’t you eat your steak?! They make out in a dark alley of the wine cellar.

Back in Hotel Hell, James decides to calmly confront Drew about what was overheard and what he told Des. James actually keeps his cool more than Drew in this fight. James kind of admits to saying he could become the Bachelor, but tries to justify it and say that it’s ok? I’m unclear on the logic, needless to say it’s flawed. In trying to get Drew to understand, James only alienates him more.

Michael’s favorite thing is hyperbole as he calls James “evil and sinister”. So maybe he’s not a good guy, but is he the devil’s handmaid? No. He’s not. Desiree comes a-calling to send King James on his merry way. Desiree knows that James needs to go home and doesn’t believe that she can trust him.

But as they sit on the steps of the hotel, with the guys overlooking from the balcony, Desiree becomes confused. She thinks he’s being sincere when he says dumb stuff like “I feel more alive than I did before.”

How is she this conflicted about THIS guy? I mean if it was Brooks or Chris? YEAH. Feel conflicted. But this jerk wad? Ugh. He is getting some little boob sweat patches on his lilac button up shirt. The way they leave things is that she will make her decision as she sees fit at the rose ceremony. Desiree needs time alone to figure this one out. Again.

The Good Guys Club ain’t havin’ it. Uh-uh, no way, Jose! They rehash all the same old stuff and fight a lot with James who gets too heated blah blah blah. I’m just ready for this to be over. I want to know his fate.

Michael sums it all up nicely by saying, “If James gets a rose tonight, I think the group is gonna collectively s*** themselves."

The rose ceremony this week is in a palace at the end of a pier in the blue twilight of the Mediterranean Sea. Without a cocktail party, the men merely assemble in suits to prepare themselves for the worst, hoping for the best. Three whole guys are leaving tonight! Deep, deep cuts.

First up is Chris, then Brooks, and we’re already at the final rose. I would love for Juan Pablo to stay, but I fear the worst for him. Oh Gosh. I don’t even care about James. OH MAN IT’S MICHAEL. SHE KEEPS MICHAEL. MAN. OF ALL THE GUYS LEFT. I mean yaaay James is gone, but like MICHAEL?!

This means Kasey is leaving which is no skin off my back. BUT NOOOOOOOOOO! My main hombre Juan Pablo is also leaving and I’m the most sad! The poor guy just wants to have more kids and find a good mom for his daughter Camila which also WHY DIDN’T WE GET TO HEAR ANYTHING ABOUT THAT???

And James is going. Good bye and good riddance. You won’t be missed.

Moving on immediately from King James, next week’s episode in Madeira looks CRAZY!!! There are tears and heartbreak and is it possible that Drew is a complete and utter a-hole? I can’t wait to find out! You’ll just have to tune in with me next week, y’all. Until then, you know where to find me @chasspod and here on the Polar Bear for other fun tidbits of pop culture. Kisses!

BONUS PIC OF JUAN PABLO AND HIS DAUGHTER MY HEART MELTSSSS

Henley Wednesday -

Good day everyone! You're halfway through the work week as of noon so congrats! You did it. As a reward, feast your eyes on this British, henley wearing gentleman of your dreams.

It's Mattew Lewis aka Neville Longbottom from the Harry Potter films and every single time I see a picture of him looking so handsome and debonaire I am shocked, SHOCKED that he is the same person as this:

In fact, I found the top insanely attractive shot him in this amazing BuzzFeed Article because it's important to site your sources.

Henley Monday - I'm back from England and your good graces!!! This week we will be having an unprecedented THREE RECAP WEEK due to the back log caused by my travels abroad. Also to appeal to your lovely hearts, I give you this picture of absolute heartthrob Chris Messina aka Danny Castellano of The Mindy Project. It's apt because Chris Messina is always apt, but Fox just announced that The Mindy Project will only be returning for a fifteen episode third season. This is not the kiss of death necessarily for the show, but it is SO HARD to consider not getting our full dose of Lahiri/Castellano gold. OUR LIVES ARE HARD. But we prevail. Thanks to images like the above.

Hi! I just wanted to ask if you'll be continuing your Bachelorette recaps? I love them!

Even as I type this during a commercial break, I continue to toil away at the recaps. I continue for several reasons:

1) I finish what I start and I started this, and I’m gonna finish it GD it.

2) The tiny community of Bachelor/ette lovers we have here from across the world is something I never even imagined when I started this blog for my friends a few years ago. I feel connected to you all and, frankly, indebted. Disappointing you would be rough stuff.

3) I have nowhere else to place my rage, frustrations, confusion, amusement, and a tiny belief that “the process works” but here in the vast depths of tumblr. And damn if it doesn't feel GREAT.

In short: they are on their way!

Henley Monday -

As much as Beyonce truly (really, truly) inspires me, I still need a little pick-me-up by way of a well dressed man. Enter Aaron Tveit in yet another beautiful plain black henley. I mean can his hair stop for like three seconds? Can it? I need it to take a break from being so perfect.

The Bachelorette - Episode 8 Recap

We are really in the homestretch now kids. We’ve got Hometown Dates right now, then onto Fantasy Suite, a quick stop by the Men Tell All, and then we’re done. Wow. From that side it looks like nothing, from my end it looks like a lot of work. But let’s stop dithering and just get to the goods!

The first stop on Andi’s nationwide trip to meet her potential in-laws is Milwaukee, Wisconsin for Nick. This bodes well for him and his family, as the first stop is never the most titillating or scandalous. They do a great job making Milwaukee look like a nice place and not a sad, forgotten step child of Chicago. They go to the Milwaukee Public Market and do fun things like eat cheese, try cheese, sample cheese. All cheese all day! Jealouuus! Then they go on a brewery tour, and one of the beer pulls is called the Nick and Andi with a rose on it. Ok. Then Andi doesn’t know what the polka is…has she never seen HOME ALONE at least? Or like been exposed to any kind of anything to know what a polka is?

Nick has a big old family in the adorable town of Waukesha, Wisconsin. There are a lot of brothers and sisters and boyfriends and fiancés and husbands and wives. It is a HUGE family. But I’m still just distracted about how weird Nick’s mouth and teeth are? Have we talked about this before? His teeth are like tiny and he has little fish lips. Nick talks to his older sister about how he is definitely in love with Andi. That same sister Maria gets emotional talking to Andi about how she just doesn’t want to see him hurt again.

His ADORABLE youngest sister Bella has a list of prepared questions for Andi like “What do you like most about my brother?” She’s freaking cute. I can’t stand how cute she is. Andi is also really great with her. I love this segment with no irony!

Nick’s talk with his mom about how much he loves Andi and wants to spend his life with her is great. He cries! Nick cries because he feels that Andi is a half of him that has been missing! Ok. Alright. We’re at the point of the show where I feel things. I feel things. A boy crying to his mom who is also crying about how much he loves a girl? I mean come on. I’m not a monster.

As they kiss good-bye, Nick doesn’t take the opportunity to tell her he loves her. He says there will be time to do that later. “I don’t think of her as the Bachelorette anymore. I just think of her as my girl,” Nick says as his parting words.

Next stop is Arlington, Iowa (Population 758) to meet Farmer Chris and his down-home family! “There is a difference between being excited to be here and living here,” Andi says of her trepidations of really seeing what life would be like in Iowa. Chris looks super handsome in a vest and a plaid shirt on his own farm. I’m dying.

They go on a quick tour of his house. It’s a great little house that overlooks his huge farm. Andi is very impressed by a guy who owns a home rather than having a dinky apartment. Then Chris takes Andi out on the tractor to see the farm from that perspective, and he even lets her drive! She sits on his lap as he teaches her how to drive this humongous John Deer tractor.

“She asked me if she could sit on my lap and I said ‘I will never say no that question from you ever, I promise you that’,” Chris tells the cameras. Oh, swoon. Farmer Chris really tugging at the old heartstrings over here. Then they have a lovely little picnic in the middle of such a huge field I can’t see where it starts or ends.

Then they discuss what would happen if they live together. Chris really feels that Iowa is important to him and his whole life and family. He’s very understanding that you have to enjoy your lifestyle and where you live otherwise you’ll never be happy even if you’re in love. And then Andi asks what she would do for work in Arlington, Iowa and the FIRST THING CHRIS SAYS IS, “Well there’s an opportunity to be a homemaker.” And then I black out for forty-five minutes.

ANDI IS A LAWYER. FROM ATLANTA, GEORGIA. YOU DON’T HAVE THE KIND OF WORK ETHIC AND DRIVE AND INTELLIGENCE TO GO THROUGH LAW SCHOOL TO JUST THROW IT ALL AWAY TO BE A HOME MAKER WITH THE JUNIOR LEAGUE. WHAT. GOOD LORD. KILL ME. I WOULD RATHER DIE.

But then he says that Cedar Rapids is a vibrant community that isn’t too far away, and she would have opportunities to practice law in some form. And I’m breathing regular air again and not just steam and fire.

And then I black out for another forty-five minutes because as they’re sitting there Chris points up to a crop-duster plane dragging a sign that says “Chris loves Andi!” and he says, “no secret admirer anymore!” And Andi is so completely taken by it. She says it’s the most romantic gesture ever. I want to die at how hokey and tacky and like not cute that is.

They arrive at Chris’ parents’ farm house which is very large and modern and nice. They are successful farmers I guess. There are so many huge bear hugs that happen as soon as Chris and Andi walk in the door. His mother Linda and his father Gary (GARY!) are adorable. His sisters are adorable too. I love this family.

The three sisters get together with Andi and cackle as they share dirty secrets about Chris’ childhood. They also sing his praises and you can tell how much they love him and are proud of him. I like those ladies a lot. They are good sisters.

Chris’s mom is the BEST THOUGH. She’s THE BEST. I LOVE HER SO MUCH. She is straight talking and smart and knows TRUTH, y’all. When Chris says that it may seem strange he’s fallen in love so fast she says, “Well no. When it’s love it happens just like that. It doesn’t take much time with love.” And then she tells him how she was a girl from town and had never driven a tractor, but she met his father and seeing him on a tractor would just stop her heart. So she adapted and raised her kids on a farm and drove a tractor, and there’s nothing nowadays that would stop Andi from being a successful woman who also lives on a farm.

LIKE I SAID, THE BEST. She never said homemaker either so props to mom.

Then Linda and Andi talk and Linda continues to be adorable and supportive and the best. “Times have changed. I want you to know that if you want to have your career, or even if you don’t, you can still have that on a farm. As long as you have gumption like I’ve got gumption. I think you’ve got gumption,” she tells Andi. SHE’S THE BEST MOM WHO’S EVER BEEN ON THIS SHOW. SHE AMAZING LIKE SEAN’S DAD IS AMAZING.

At the end of the night, the whole family of grown adults plays ghost in the graveyard. You guys. His family is amazing. Andi finds Chris and he whispers, “you’re so smart!” Andi says she is on cloud nine at the end of such an amazing hometown date.

Now we’re in what must be one of the Living Hell’s on Earth, Tampa, Florida for Josh’s hometown date. Josh is such a bro-ey dork I can’t stand it. They go to a park and play some baseball. He’s such a jock. Andi loves every second of him playing baseball and being in his element. I don’t get it. I don’t really get it with Josh in general. He’s too much of a meathead. He’s sweet and genuinely likes Andi but what else? What else is there?

A point of interest for me is that Josh played professional baseball for a number of years and then quit so he could be around his family more and support his little brother as he played quarterback in college and is now trying to get drafted. I’m always suspicious of families that push their children to be professional athletes. Same with show-biz families. Suspicious.

Andi is worried that tonight’s dinner will be all about Aaron and the NFL draft, which is special, but it’s also a special time for Josh as he might be introducing his family to his future wife.  Josh has a reasonably sized family of just two parents and one brother and one sister. Josh even cries a little bit as he introduces them all. His brother Aaron looks like his twin. His brother Aaron also gives the toast at dinner which is so f***ed I can’t really believe it.

Then they talk for what seems like three days about Aaron and the NFL. Andi doesn’t say two words because she doesn’t know anything about it.

His mom and dad talk to Andi only about if she’s willing to be part of their family inasmuch as they will be going to all of Aaron’s games if he’s drafted. They are very protective and very close as a family and that worries Andi. She worries that if she had a family with Josh, they wouldn’t have their own lives as well.

When Josh and his mother talk, she tells him that he has put himself last for so long that he deserves all this great love he’s got coming. Aaron is pretty nice too but I still can’t get over that the son gave the toast at family dinner. That’s not ok.

At the end of the day, she had a nice time because Andi is hell bent on always having fun. But I think Josh’s family is a little intense and the least “homey” feeling she’s gotten so far.

Finally, we go to Dallas, Texas for Marcus’ hometown. They just drive around (in his BENZ) as he plays tour guide to his city. Marcus has already said he’s in love and has expressed the he would already be ready to marry Andi. Andi’s worried this is too fast for where she is at with Marcus.

And then they go into an honest to shit night club in the day, and the Marcus walks away and comes back IN THE SAILOR COSTUME FROM THAT STRIP SHOW DATE. AND THEN HE DOES THE DANCE. SOLO. FOR ANDI.

I black out for at least ninety minutes this time. So awkward and uncomfortable but Andi is like, “it was so hot! Marcus is so hot! I wasn’t complaining!” And I’m not entertained. She says that Marcus is the hottest guy she’s ever dated which is so confusing to me. Like, he’s good looking, but he is not THAT insanely on-fire attractive. Right? Am I crazy here? Am I alone in this?

They walk into his family home and wow, wow, wow are they Polish. Marcus kind of sneaks by as not looking super Polish, but his family are the most Polish looking people imaginable. Beautiful, beautiful people with beautiful eastern European things all over the house. I love it. This feels right at home to me.

Andi and his sister Kathy talk about how Andi feels a little intimidated by the fact that Marcus falls so fast in love and is so quick in expressing it. She wonders if she can catch up to where he is emotionally.

Marcus has a very emotional conversation with is older brother Conrad about how much he appreciates and is grateful to him for being a father-figure to him when their dad left. Real emotions once again!

His lovely mother has a sweet conversation with Andi about how she was able to open Marcus up so quickly with his emotions and trust. “You are very bright and intelligent and of course very beautiful,” Elena says, “I see the sparkles in his eyes when he looks at you!” She is so sweet.

At the end of the night, Marcus tears up as he tells Andi that he loves her and is so happy she met his great family. Andi is touched by this and is really touched by how kind and warm his family was.

And then we break to Chris Harrison’s home in Los Angeles. All the guys and Andi gather with a full film crew to be told the news that Eric Hill has passed away. I don’t think they should have filmed this in the first place. I don’t think they should have shown it. I don’t agree with how much they showed and how long they showed it, so I’m not going to say anything about it other than that it is of course very sad and very difficult to watch people hear the news that someone they know has died.

Magically, twenty-four hours later, it’s time for the Rose Ceremony. We start off right away with a fireside chat with Chris Harrison. My rock, Chris Harrison. Andi is very emotional about absolutely everything. She is emotional about Eric’s death, and sending someone home after meeting the families, and feeling happy about her love while something so tragic happened.

Chrarrison is so wise and strong and tells Andi that it’s ok to show emotion and that she doesn’t have to fake it up there, to just allow the emotions to flow and be true to herself. She pulls herself together long enough to come out to the rose ceremony and tell the guys how grateful she is for the love shown by their families. Then she picks up the first rose, pauses, and has to run off screen because she’s so overcome by emotion.

But we press on. And the first rose goes to Josh which greatly surprises me. The next goes to Chris which doesn’t surprise me at all. And then it’s down to Nick and Marcus, and, unsurprisingly it goes to Nick. He’s been her favorite for so long, and Marcus was the only one with whom she expressed any doubts. Poor Marcus. They have a very emotional good-bye. I feel bad for Marcus, but I know he’s going to get back. Andi says, “I’m sorry I couldn’t give you what you gave me.” Which is deep and cuts deep. He’ll be ok. He will!

We must move ever onwards however. The famed and infamous Fantasy Suite dates are up next in beautiful Dominican Republic.