Incorrect Sayings That I Use So Often I’ve Almost Forgotten That They’re Not The Originals:

have we tried substance abuse my liege

when you apply for your villain license they give you a book of all the new words you’re allowed to say. it’s full of shit like “foible” and “machinations”

girls when they get overstimulated in the grocery store

same

do it scared do it weird do it alone. holy trinity

It's officially decorative gourd season! 🎃

“you should be at the club” Brother I should literally be sent to the seaside for my health

Everyone, including me, who's familiar with Pride and Prejudice: Hahahaha Mr. Collins' is so useless and thinks he's so fantastic at small talk, but he isn't.

Me at any given Christmas dinner party: WHAT EXCELLENT BOILED POTATOES- MANY YEARS HAVE PASSED SINCE I'VE SEEN SUCH AN EXEMPLARY VEGETABLE

anyone want to meet up after school and ride our bikes to get ice cream