I’m Sorry But No Modern Comedy Will Ever Top This

Be honest. My keysmashing always has too many js and qs in it and thats why you won’t have sex with me. am i right?

how long do i need to go outside for to fix my mental health. will 5 minutes do it. please say yes

sorry man its nothing personal but if i dont kill you my cursed sword will call me a pussy

Ribcage is a hell of a word. Like yeah my bones trapped my heart inside my chest if u even care. I don’t know if it wants out

I think I'm a lifelong cryptid enthusiast because I'm nearsighted. Like what do you mean the Zapruder film isn't crystal clear. That's how bigfoot would look to me anyway.

The sexual tension between a girl and not feeling real every time her birthday comes around

i do genuinely need to go on some sort of quest this year or i’m going to become evil for real

i don't know man, i just wish that we could [suddenly realising i'm coming dangerously close to expressing a real and earnest thought instead of filtering everything through several layers of intangible running bits] blow up the entire world. or something.

spotify can't shuffle for shit. i shuffle better than you and they laugh me out of card games. pathetic