I Need Bratty Sergeant And Simon Riley Smut (im Sorry If This Is Too Blunt And Also You Don’t Have

Incorrect Lord of the Rings Quotes

Me when- me when- when-

Nikolai and Price attend Gaz's wedding to his missus, Nikolai gets a little drunk and ends up learning the whole dance to Single Ladies from a gaggle of nieces and cousins who are absolutely obsessed with this sharply dressed Russian hitman-looking motherfucker Gaz says is his captain's husband. He teaches them swear words in eight different languages, they teach him to shake his arse like Beyonce. Fair trade.

"I had no idea he could move like that," Gaz says as he props up the bar at Price's side.

Price, into his pint, a little red-faced. "S'not even the 'alf of it."

Gaz chokes on his rum and coke.

Y'all

Imagine if Bilbo lost his lil acorn once Smaug was dead.

Throin sees Bilbo looking around all panicked, digging through some pile of gold or gems, and asks about it, and this is where he learns about the acorn.

So of course he offers to help look, while they're looking for the Arkenstone, and eventually they've got the whole company looking for both. Thorin's head seems a little more clear suddenly, so everyone's more looking for the acorn than the arkenstone, because yeah they're looking for the arkenstone, but they'll know it when they see it, they have to CONCENTRAIT to find a lil acorn, and it's important they find IT soon or it'll get crushed, or die or rot. The arkenstone has lasted this long. It'll last a little longer.

And because they've all got he mindset if "yeah thats a bit of gold, but it's not an acorn. Sure sure some pretty gems but it's not an acorn!" In there heads, they stave of the gold sickness.

When Fili shouts, "I found it!" They're all rather disappointing when they realise he means the Arkestone. Thorin pockets it, but they return to their search for the acorn right away.

Then, one day, Thranduil shows up demanding the white gems and Thorin's standing up on the barracks like "Sure, if we come across them."

And Thranduil's like "what do you mean if you come across them?"

"There was a dragon in the mountain for over a century! He wasn't exactly cleaning and we're a bit preoccupied with our own search at the moment! I'll send them your way once we find them! If takes a day or a year, you'll live!" And then he disappears from Thranduil's sight.

Only to reappear after a moment, looking slightly irritated. The hobbit is by his side looking, perhaps hopeful? With a roll of his eyes, Thorin says, bitting out the words like they physically hurt to say "If you would like, perhaps you could send a select few of your most trusted guard, and if they might help us in our search, they can also look for your gems as well?"

Thranduil has never been more caught of guard in his life. Did a dwarf, one whom he'd had imprissoned in his dungeon less than a month ago, just invite his people into his most recently reclaimed treasurey?

"I'm sorry. What?" He blinks up at the dwarf- most elegantly, he assures you.

"Elves have very keen eyes, do you not?" Asks the little hobbit. "We're looking for my acorn, you see, that I got from Beorn the skin changer, I seem to have lost it in the dragon's chase, and we fear it'll be crushed. Throin says your box would likely be in the front of the treasurey, and we haven't searched there yet, though Smaug did follow us through there, so it's a fine place for your people to start. It would be greetly appreciated."

And really. The argument could go on, Thranduil's really not sure he believes there IS an acorn, but if it gets him those damned white gems, fine. He sends Tauriel and her guard, and Legolas volunteers himself.

When Bard shows up asking for aid for the town Thorin throws his hands up. "Your just as bad as the elves! We just got our montain back! Fah! At least you asked for nothing so specific!" And practically chucks a chest full of randomly scooped up gold and gems over at the man. "But if there is an acorn in there, you are to return it immediately!"

There isn't an acorn.

"Why would there be an acorn?" He asks Thranduil that evening as he takes tea with the Elven king who's made camp outside the Lonely Mountain as a statement to the dwarven king he doesn't mean to leave without what's rightfully his, regardless of their compliance.

"His husband appears to be rather attached to it." Thranduil shrugs. "I don't pretent to understand the ways of haflings, but if the hobbit has half so strong a love for that which grows from the earth, as the dwarves do that which is mined from it, and I was a king who'd dragged my consort half way across Middle Earth to risk his life battling a dragon for its hoard, I'd think it wise to have the Mountain turned upside down for one measly acorn as well."

Dain shows up and is about ready to storm the peacefully-aiding-the-humans-at-this-point-because-we're-here-what-else-do-we-have-to-do elves on principle, but Thorin puts a stop to it quick.

It takes Dain a day and a half to realised that Thorin did infact say "they were all looking for an Acorn," yesterday, and several minutes to understand that he was saying "no, we found the Arkenstone days ago," today.

And of course, the orcs and goblins show up and are defeated by the forced of them all, united under Acorn Peace Treaty of 2942

Sadly, weeks go by, and they do not find the acorn. They do eventually find the Gems, and Legolas and the majority of the elves return to Mirkwood, Legolas having made good friends with the Company, especially Gloin (this is a suprise tool that will help him later) but Tauriel remains, and if Thorin wasn't smitten with the hobbit, he might comment on just how close Kili is growing to her. At least she's respectful. Might just teach that boy a think or two. The opposite is, of course, true, and Tauriel becomes just as much a menace as the princes.

As the weeks go by and proper cataloging of the treasury commences, every dwarf who comes to help is shows a picture of the acorn every single morning, and promised a just reward for its discovery.

Eventually, Bilbo has to concede they aren't going to find it, but, well, by then he's not exactly planning to return to the Shire for long enough to care for a sprouting tree.

He does return long enough to stop all his things being auctioned off, no he's not a ghost, thank you very much, and have Bag End transfered to his cousin Drogo and his wife, before setting back out for Erebor with the things he intends to keep.

It's years before anyone thinks of the poor lost little acorn again, decades, infact.

One day, in the early morning of the 21st Durin's day after the reclaiming of Erebor, a dwarf comes rushing from the treasurey to find the Royals preparing for the celebration.

"Is it one of these, your highne- uh, Bilbo, your lost acorn?" He asks, stuttering over the title he knows the hobbit dislikes. "I can't really.... tell them apart."

And Bilbo just blinks, because in the cupped palms of the dwarf's are perhaps 15 or 20 little acorns...

"Where did you find these?" He asks.

"They were in the back."

"The back?" Thorin repeats, then catches himself and shoos the dwarf back the way he came "Show us."

They all- Bilbo and Thorin, the princeses, and a handful of the company who'd been present- follow the dwarf down into the treasurey, and then through the treasurey, past all the neat piles of gold and the many chests of organized gems and stones and all manner of other treasures, until they're presented with a very familiar back door.

Or rather, a hidden passage, tucked away in an alcove, where another handful of acorns' the few the Dwarf who'd brought them the first had likely missed- are scattered about.

"You did... just have the one, right Uncle Bilbo?" Fili asks.

"Or course I just had the one!" Bilbo retorts. "I couldn't have possibly carried that many with me all the way from Beorn's!"

With a resigned sort of sigh, as he begins to piece together the answer to a decades old mystery, Thorin steps forward and follows the tunnel up, up, up, and out of Erebor, the others- save the dwarf who brought them, dismissed by Bilbo with a smile, a thanks, and an oh, no, you may keep those- right behind.

As they walk, the acorns start to increase. Though there's never so many as to begin piling up in the tunnel, by the time they reach the end, the majority of the ground is covered in a solid layer if the little things, and the crunch underfoot as they all emerge onto the ledge which they had all once stood, with batted breath in the moon light as they realised they were at last, truly home.

"Was that here last time?" Kili asked, studying the impressive Oaktree shading the entire ledge that sat in front of the secret entrance to Erebor.

The trunk of the tree was wide and solid, sitting right up against the mountain side, and rather winning the battle of wills against the carved stone architecture of the dwarves. Its limbs grow twisted and wild, up and out in all directions. It's easily 250 or 300 feet tall. There is all sorts of life flittering about in its florishing branches, all covered in brilliant green leaves, and fresh green little acorns.

The growned all around them is covered in acorns as well, so many more than the tunnel.

"No." Thorin says, watching a squirrel dash down from the trunk of the tree, shove several acorns into its cheeks, and dash back up the trunk. "No it was not." He turns to Bilbo, and raises an eyebrow. "Lost it after the dragons chase, you said?"

Beet red and look quite flustered, all Bilbo can manage out is a squicky little "oops."

"'Oops' indeed." Thorin returns, smiling fondly.

Johnny whimpers each time he thrusts into you. The sound of his hips slapping against yours accompanies the rhythm of the headboard, hitting the wall gently. Your legs are wrapped around his waist and your arms around his shoulders.

This isn't the first time he's found himself on your bed. It's the third, and he's hooked. You smile, drunk in the pleasure but not as far gone as he is. You press kisses against his lips and cheek, pulling him down closer to where he's almost laying on you.

Your insides feel like molten lava, and the tingles of pleasure zip through you. Johnny barely is saying anything that makes sense.

"Bonnie- fuck- I can't." He whines and grinds his hips against yours. Stirring up your insides. You squeal from the angle and let out a breathy sigh.

"Yeah you can Johnny." You whisper in his ear. "This pussy is yours, and I wanna feel you cum deep in me." You clench your muscles up and feel each drag of his dick even more. The warmth and heaviness of it makes you gasp and you feel him twitch.

"Ye c-can't, fuck fuck fuck," He whines as he starts to jack hammer himself into you. He's chasing his release, "ye cannae say stuff like tha' you'll make me cum too soon." He's over stimulated.

You don't care. Part of the fun is hearing his whiny whore like moans when he cums.

"Come on baby, come on." You're like a siren to his ears. "You can do it. Cum inside of me. You're so close, you can do it."

He gasps, his blue eyes cloudy with pleasure and his hips press against you. He's trembling and whining, barely sounding like the playboy he pretends to be. A long drawn out fuck escapes him through clenched teeth. You watch him, enthralled by how pretty he looks, flushed pink from exertion. Drool dripping down the cor er of his mouth.

You roll yourself and him over so you are on top. He's shocked at the sudden placement. His hands gripped your hips and he throws his head back as you ride him. He's still in the trappings of his orgasm and this is pleasurable torture.

"Bonnie wait, it's too much!" He's trying to slow your movements. "I can't take it, fuck!"

"Yeah you can Johnny, you're doing so good for me." You coo to him. "Just a bit more yeah? Be a good boy for me."

He whimpers and nods his head, "yeah I'm your good boy."

He can feel his cum spill out of you with each roll or bounce of your hips. He wants to be a good boy for you. It's part of the reason he keeps coming back.

This is Money Snake. She only appears every 312 years. 

If you reblog her picture within the next twenty-five seconds you will have good luck and fortune for the rest of your life. 

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Look at my little guy

Reading today’s Daily Dracula and man. You do not understand how much I wish Team Kill Dracula’s quest ended when they roll up on the Czarina Catherine and find out some random Romanian sailors pushed his stupid box overboard, trapping the Count beneath water that he can’t cross

Like I know they gotta actually kill him to free Mina or whatever but like. It would be so funny. They’ve gone on this quest to far Romania, they’ve bribed everyone they can think to bribe, they’ve got a plan, and then they get aboard the ship and the crew are like, “there was a fucked up man in that box so we threw it overboard”

In the embrace of the fog, my soul finds peace.