After Months Of Silly Overwork, I Finally Got To See My Stylist! I Feel So Much Better Now That My Hair

There's a point of discussion that comes up periodically in transgender advocacy circles. To paraphrase:

Do you love transgender people? Or do you hate transphobes?

That is to say: those that claim allyship with the transgender community should be motivated by love; for love begets help and support.

Conversely: those that are motivated by hate will seek, first and foremost, to attack others. While there is a time and place for opposing transphobia (violently so, even), this cannot be the preeminent response to any and all issues.

...

Mat Ward's tenure as a named codex author drew mixed responses. His overhaul of Necron lore, for instance, is generally considered a positive turning point for the faction. (His heavy-handed promotion of the Ultramarines, less so.)

If you are motivated by a love of the Warhammer: 40,000 game and setting, then you might wish that some of Mat Ward's more controversial contributions be corrected. As his work was published in what is now the distant past, it is also likely that your wish has already been granted.

As such, it does not make sense to expend energy on what is effectively now a non-issue.

If you are motivated by hate, however, then you might perceive Mat Ward's failings as forever unforgivable; his mockery and harassment not merely permissible, but necessary; and his departure from Games Workshop, a hard-won victory.

...

In this respect, @ladymirdan's 'Mat Ward Test' is an excellent barometer of an individual's motivations; and whether they are rooted in a love for the hobby, or hate in search of a purportedly acceptable target.

With this in mind:

I strive to research an issue prior to rendering judgement. In this particular instance (the introduction of female Custodes), I made a point of leafing through the blogs of those most vocally opposed, looking to understand their motives and character.

Time and again, I came across posts in which these people openly delighted in the heartless ridicule of others; justified upon the flimsiest of pretexts.

They do not love Warhammer: 40,000; but rather, are simply seeking excuses to exercise their hatred - of which Mat Ward, and now those championing Custodian Calladyce Taurovalia Kesh, have proven aptly suitable victims.

So I didn't take my own advice and started playing chess with the pigeons.

And my ultimate litmus test for a 40k player once again proved to work. I didnt even have to bring it up (they alway do that themselves).

And that is their opinion on Mat Ward.

This test has never failed me. He is the alt-right 40k boogieman, they haaaate him with a passion for some reason, but they never know anything about him. He has literally written the most popular characters in all of 40k and is responsible for a shit ton of 40k computer games and he incidentally is the reason why they don't print the name of the writer (guess the fuck why. *hint they send Ward actual death threats for changing the lore).

It has gotten to a point that I just block people talking shit about Ward after one warning. Because people who have this opinion has gotten it somewhere. Usually from hanging out with guys like this who think representation ruins the hobby.

I still have to make that “Why people are wrong about Mat Ward and he deserves better”-post/vid.

Piano: addendum

To continue the metaphor: if playing the piano is analogous to Dance Dance Revolution, then the the right-hand A# in the ascending F major scale is some sort of special arrow where when you step on it, it explodes and kills you!

Sleeping arrangements

Appleseed - Book 2: Prometheus Unbound by Masamune Shirow

Sleeping arrangements: addendum 2

I have been reliably informed that my previous illustration of the idiosyncrasies of flashback-driven sleeping positions did not sufficiently emphasize my spouse's ample biceps; I have therefore attempted to rectify this issue as follows:

A year in review: 2020 edition

Looking back on my progress this year.

(To be fair, the first picture is from March of 2019 and really shouldn’t be included; but I was still so camera-shy at the start of the year there simply aren’t any pictures from that period.)

Silencer

My company had its employees work remotely for much of the pandemic. In June, with the widespread availability of vaccines and the dropping infection rate, we were recalled to the main office.

This was, personally, a terrifying prospect; for I had left the office a Lawrence, and returned as Lauren. Acceptance of my transition was overwhelmingly positive; but such events took place during the remote work era.

Put simply: in-person is a different matter.

Put bluntly: I was deeply frightened of now having to share a bathroom with my cis female coworkers; and how they might react to my presence.

For weeks and weeks post-recall, I tried to time my bathroom breaks in such a way that I never interacted with another employee. I wouldn’t enter the restroom if it was occupied; I would hide in my stall if others should enter the space.

Eventually the inevitable occurred, and I crossed paths with my coworkers. Some were obviously surprised at my (wholly logical) presence; but remained true to their word on embracing the new me.

I’m not sure I will ever quite shake the fear of a bathroom interaction gone bad; but for now, matters are manageable.

This does however bring me to a wholly unexpected observation, and the title of this post.

It’s a multi-stall bathroom. There were times where cis-women were present, and using a stall for one of its many intended purposes: peeing. Not just peeing, but peeing loudly. It was if someone had turned the spigot on a hose pipe!

The difference was only noticeable because I had, at times, found myself also trying to pee; and as stealthily as possible at that. Where theirs was a torrential downpour, mine was but an imperceptible and gentle stream.

It was in one of these strange moments of comparison that it occurred to me that I was capable of such feats - and they were not - because, anatomically-speaking, I am currently equipped with a silencer... And this metaphor has not left me since!

Immediacy is a big plus. (I understand all too well how easy it is to forget an idea if you don’t externalize it right away! And that’s to say nothing of the scourge that is Not Enough Time And Energy; which I know you know all too well. 🙂)

Regarding the fanfic asks: 📈, 🛠️, and 🤗!

📈 How many fics do you have?

Uh. UH. I... they're kind of spread over a few different areas, and are we counting only active fics?

Upwards of ten active WIPs. I don't want to chase down every WIP I have somewhere, or even the completed little one shots.

🛠What tools/programs/apps do you use to write?

I do ninety percent of my writing in gdocs. It's quick, easy, and I can do it on my phone because I'm a madlad.

In terms of 'tools', just stuff for names. I've been using a lot of wiktionary to research the meaning behind various kanji to help create names for Naruto/Bleach, and occasionally even get to use it for some wordplay. Otherwise, random name generators, behindthename, top 100 baby names - that kind of stuff.

🤗 What advice would you give to new fanfic writers that are just getting started?

This kind of goes for any writer or creative but: create for yourself first. Pleasing your audience is great! It feels great! But don't chase them.

Make something for yourself first, be happy with it, satisfied, and let that be enough. And then, if people like it, that's great! If they don't, well, who cares? You didn't make it for them.

This is long overdue; but thanks to @ghastspidergwen for the tag! 🙂

...

Last song: Lust For Lies, by The New Division.

Favorite color(s): they change periodically; currently in are dark reds, greens, and teals!

Currently watching: whatever delightfully absurd game-streaming compilation my kiddo chooses to share with me. (The most recent was PointCrow trekking a straight line across the entire Legend Of Zelda: Tears Of The Kingdom map, sans upgrades.)

Sweet / savory / spicy: all of the above! My only corollary is that I quickly find too much of either sweet or savory to be overpowering; and need to alternate between the two.

Relationship status: currently celebrating my 20th year of marriage!

Current obsession: I recently reignited my passion for customizing the 8" figures from the short-lived GI Joe: Sigma 6 line (and just finished indexing a 200-page notebook specifically to record my ideas in).

(Honorable mentions: learning to play the blues on the guitar; learning to play Elgar's Variation IX (Adagio) "Nimrod" on the piano; creating updated versions of the Warhammer: 40,000 Chaos Champions I originally converted in my youth; downsizing my not-insignificant stockpile of nerdy collectibles.)

...

There's zero pressure to join in; but the following people routinely brighten my dashboard, and I would love to know more about them! 🙂

@cronnissar,

@foone,

@owlrageousjones,

@transmechanicus,

@socialistexan,

@whenflowersfade.

Nine people i'd like to get to know better:

Tagged by: @bell-of-indecision, thank you so much for tagging me <3

Last Song: Gmfu by Odetari,6arelyhuman

Favourite colour: Dark red, violet, pink

Currently watching: Death note, ep6

Spicy/Savoury/Sweet: Spicy

Relationship status: Single

Current Obsession: Mbti types and cognitive functions.

Tagging: @somin-yin @a-cloud-for-dreams @axepen @hinsaa-paramo-dharma @basic-bitch-alkali @rhysaka @blackknight-100 @squishywizardd @reykalot

Unexpected HRT side-effect #15

My HRT regimen is an emulation, only simulating the real thing. Cis women experience a complex, month-long dance between estrogen and progesterone, swinging from one to the other and back again. I, on the other hand, experience an estrogen peak every two weeks, and a progesterone peak every quarter.

And that's okay! It's gotten the job done.

Sometimes however, my peaks and troughs happen to look just enough like an actual cis cycle to trigger some fascinating side effects.

This one occurred a few weeks ago. My day started as normal; but something seemed off. I got to work, and began to experience stomach cramps. My first thought was that I must have consumed some disagreeable foodstuff; but this was different - the sensations were prickly; and extended all the way into my pelvis.

It wasn't until lunch time, as I was driving my daughter home from summer school, that it came to me: these were menstrual cramps!

My hormone levels had aligned in such a way that my brain was now sending instructions down my existing nerve pathways to forcefully contract a non-existent uterus...

This state of affairs continued for two days; with what I can only describe as various muscle groups from the top of the abdomen all the way down to the thighs randomly and constantly pinging, eliciting a continuous stream of "Ow! Ow!" noises.

Now: is this exactly what cis women experience? I have no idea. Did the lack of uterus effectively cap the amount of discomfort I felt? Or did it cause the nerve signals to be redirected into other adjacent muscles, making their contractions worse? It's so hard to say.

What I do know is this: I already had a healthy respect for the unpleasantness of menstrual cramps as experienced by others; but this situation made for a very personal window into that world that really reinforced my prior understanding!

Addendum: there is a candy dish in my office that is periodically emptied, and refilled; fortuitously, its contents had been refreshed the day this all went down. My very audible "Oh, thank god!" drew laughter from one of the people that worked nearby and knew what I was going through!

A cascade of name changes

When I changed my legal name, I was required to provide public notice of the change. There are legal news services that exist for this exact purpose - you pay them a small fee; they put the notice on their website.

(At least in my county, you can request the requirement be waived; there’s a good argument to be made that it exposes one’s status as a transgender individual and that this invites unnecessary risk in today’s fraught climate. I myself did not pursue this option however.)

The website for the legal news service in my area is, uh... Well, ‘archaic’ is probably the most charitable interpretation. Sometimes I want to share the notice with people, but there’s no search function for non-subscribers - you just have to scroll through the notices until you get to the right one.

(Really, I need to bookmark it or take a screenshot or something!)

Today I was doing exactly that - trying to find my notice again - and I was struck by how many other items between mine and present day were clearly transgender in nature (i.e. from a masculine to feminine name or vice versa). I would estimate a good third or so met this criteria.

It fills a girl’s heart with warmth and hope to see so many people finding their true selves and living authentically!