If Im Careful I Could Whittle This Peanut Into Sonic

Here’s that fic I wrote just for a single indulgent scene– I somehow got to 4888 words which is like ?????????? 

Enjoy!

“Part of the Journey is the end”

why do people keep portraying denmark as mean and violent in fanfics??

like, in canon, denmark is a hyper little dork who is always cheerful and loves his family. he literally bounces for attention, and makes it his mission to make the people he loves as happy as possible.

he puts himself down, and pressures himself to be a good brother to the nordics:

and, when his boss told him that he had to go raise taxes for norway, he saw how poor norway was and refused to do it, crying and promising to be a better brother. he blamed himself, blaming his own weakness, but swears to get stronger - not for himself, but to help his family.

LOOK AT THIS PERFECT LITTLE DORK

and seriously when people try to justify denmark as being a douche with real historical events it’s like ???? the character is not accountable for the real country’s history - we don’t hate germany for ww2, and we don’t hate america for slavery etc so that argument for denmark is invalid

BASICALLY THE MORAL OF THIS POST IS THAT APH DENMARK IS A CUTE LITTLE BUTTON WHO NEEDS TO BE LOVED AND PROTECTED AT ALL COSTS

I saw Cats last night and I still haven’t recovered. Here is a play-by-play of my experience

The movie begins. The audience is rife with anticipatory giggles. Some lady in the back row loudly says “can we be quiet now, please? let us watch the movie in silence” in a displeased Russian accent. 

We will inevitably disappoint her

In the first 5 minutes, while crying with laughter, I decide this movie is actually about a human who gets genetically engineered into a cat and is exiled to a furrykin community.

5 minutes after that, I think about how good a movie this would be if it was hand-drawn animation and not CGI people-cats, and I become absolutely furious

Mice and cockroaches have human faces and bodies. The audience is screaming.

This film comes VERY close to having a dog on screen. I start sweating in dread of what it might look like. The dog is never shown.

None of the humor is funny

During the slow parts I start to imagine other celebrities in full cat CGI to amuse myself

Cat Idris Elba sexily Thanos-snaps another cat out of existence. Audible confusion ripples through the audience.

The cats do some extremely horny body work involving their tails. The audience is making disgusted noises. Several people yelp “oh NO” very loudly

At the end of a song, the throng of cats start “applauding” by slapping their hands on the ground and saying “meowmeowmeowmeowmeow”. This instigates a fight-or-flight response in me so strong that I nearly bolt out of the theatre.

During an awkward silence the camera cuts to a cat making a “yikes” kind of grimace and the whole theatre laughs because that is the exact emotion we are all feeling

A cat helicopters into the ceiling and is vaporized by cat Idris Elba. A man in the audience yells “GOTTEM!!” at the top of his lungs

Most cats are naked but somehow cat Idris Elba manages to be far more naked than all of them. The audience is screaming, again

Memoriiiiiiies. All alone in the moonliiiiiiight. “Please,” begs the Russian lady in the back of the theatre, sounding defeated, “don’t laugh. Not now.”

The actor who plays the main character gray cat who never gets a song explaining who he is (I am told he is Munkustrap) is DEAD SERIOUS about this role. He is a PROFESSIONAL. He is feeling being a cat so hard. Look at his face at literally any point (but especially during the final epilogue song) and I guarantee he will be having an intensely invested serious face journey. His shoulders must be aching from carrying this entire film.

110 minutes later, or maybe years: the credits roll. The audience cheers raucously. We exit the theatre in a daze. One of my friends goes home with a high fever. 10/10

McDonald's loses EU trademark battle over the Big Mac. Burger King starts trolling them.

you’ve heard of: getting emotionally attached to your roomba

now get ready for: genuinely mourning the mars rover like a deceased loved one