You Have Captive Extraterrestrials On Your Planet?

Imagine aliens reacting to human eating habits.

For instance, taste. Like, one day an alien notices the human crew member dumping something bright orange on their midday ration.

Alien: Does your supplement not have the right nutrients/? Human: No, it just tastes bad. Alien: ???? Human: Well, not precisely bad, but bland. It’s boring. So I thought I’d spice it up a bit. *waves bottle of bright orange substance* Alien: You add items to your food that provide no necessary sustenance??? Human: Oh, just wait ‘til you hear about junk food.

‘Cause humans eat stuff that is not good just for the sensation. Like really spicy foods, chewing gum, and all these spices. And the aliens don’t get it. You put that in your body? Doesn’t that mess up your digestive system? What purpose does it serve?

Or human eating rituals. If you eat with one group of humans there are all of these utensils, some of which look extremely similar, but each with it’s own unique purpose. And if you don’t use the right one at the right time it’s a social faux pas. Then another group mostly uses their hands and lick their fingers. Does this not introduce pathogens? And you’ll see the same human doing both behaviors.

And there’s the whole concept of a meal as a social endeavor. Humans will have a meal with those they are close with as a sign of affection. Humans don’t even spend the entire meal eating, no they use it to talk. Business is done, friends catch up, families share news. All over a meal.

Aliens considering food a necessity not to be discussed in public. Yet here are these humans, who post pictures of their food to social media, share recipes, use food as a social catalyst, and as comfort. Hell, comfort food as a completely human idea that aliens don’t understand.

Anyway, humans are weird.

What is this planet

There’s someone who has their iPhone named “hot single horses in your area” and they airdrop people pictures of horses randomly. Nobody knows who it is. Once, during an assembly, the laptop that the projector was from had airdrop turned on, and in the middle of a presentation about bullying, it popped up in front of the entire school. HOT SINGLE HORSES IN YOUR AREA WANTS TO SHARE AN IMAGE. A picture of a horse, with text in bubble letters over it saying “available”

Quite a few have been saying:”But what about laughing?”, in the comments of my ‘Weird Human Reactions to Fear: the Singing Edition’ post. My question is: do you know why humans laugh when shit gets real?

Laughter is our brain’s Blue Screen of Death.

Where a computer would throw up an error and possibly crash, our brains go:”well, shit”, and hit the big red button labelled: ‘LAUGHTER (and possibly applause, but probably not applause)’. Since we need our brains 24/7, we don’t have the luxury of error messages. So our brains buy some time to figure out what’s going on by making us laugh in the weirdest situations.

Imminent doom? Laugh.

Absolutely livid? Laugh.

Distraught? Laugh.

Pretty sure you’re gonna die? Laugh.

I mean, we can’t be sure the aliens don’t have brains that work the same way, but seeing as other animals on Planet Earth don’t really have that either… that’d probably freak them the fuck out too.

Not only do the gangly bipeds sing when they’re scared, they could just as easily start laughing.

HUMANS IN SPACE

so the humans are space orcs posts where we can just hide emotions from our customer service skill set, why don’t we take that a step further.

What about actors, who literally train for years to act different behaviors for different roles, from good guys to bad guys. One minute the human is kind and gentle, the next he is arrogantly addressing the pirates who invaded, all from his acting days.

Their strict memorization can help them recall lines for any situation. They can cry on cue, motivate their crewmates with a well place monologues, become the life of the party with one liners and comedic sketches.

Hell this can apply to dedicated fans. The ones who try to get in character at cosplays, or memorize entire dialogues from their favorite scenes.

Really I just want someone to write alien fic where a human quotes the wallet scene from pulp fiction and just fucking terrifies them

You set off explosives. Recreationally. Somehow I lack the capability to be surprised by you anymore.

Aliens and Fireworks

Alien: Despite this being a Level 27-F deathworld, I have had a pleasant time here. Thank you for your persistent invites, Human-Dave. However, I am concerned. There are packs of humans gathering here at this large body of water, but isn’t it time for their circadian rhythms to knock them unconscious?

Dave: *unfolding two chairs* Yeah… But all the alcohol will do the same job soon enough. *reaches into a cooler and takes a beer out as he sits down*

Alien: Um… Are those humans over there supposed to have access to those missiles? They’re not in any uniforms; in fact, they lack the usual amount of clothing humans tend to wear.

Dave: Fireworks, man.

Alien: *as soon as they hear “fire”* Excuse me?

B O O M

C r a c k l e

C r a c k l e

C r a c k l e

*everyone at the lake begins drunkenly bellowing and chanting “USA” in disturbing unison, and someone falls off the back of a truck*

Alien: So, this is how I die.

He’s so talented! Reblog for amazing rolls, and crits all night.

Humans are weird

My take on humans are weird/space orcs/Australians

Humans succeed in long endurance running and overall stamina. While some  species have better senses, stronger muscles, and faster acceleration, none of them can last as long as a human when running (it was also ancient humanity’s hunting method: outlasting prey). What if humans can run at a constant speed for a prolonged period of time that would otherwise cause other species to fatigue easily?

S’kron: human George you must rest, you’ve been running for quite some time

George: nah I’m fine, this is normal for me

S’kron: normal? You’ve could’ve died from running that long!

George: I was jogging and it’s not bad, keeps me active, you should try it sometime 

S’kron: running for an extended period of time is your idea of exercise? Are all humans like this?

George: well some can run faster and some can run longer I’m considered average.

S’kron: average? You mean other humans are faster?

George: yeah we have running is a sport for us it’s called sprinting and we do it around 100m or over in laps

S’kron: a sport? You must be insane to be running for that long!

George: no its true we even make obstacles known as hurdles to jump over whilst running

S’kron once again reread human physiology and learnt that humans were the best overall runners on their planet, he brought these findings to the rest of the crew, to their shock.

At that moment the guide to humans book was once again edited with a new note: do not challenge humans to a running contest, for you will surely die a slow, exhausting, painful death

I am in possession of knoledge of species who spend all of the chronons contained within their lifespans, contrary to the earlier statement, this planet does seem to exist as an outlier in that regard.

More Space Australia headcannons

Okay so imagine humans being the only ones with hobbies? Other alien cultures might be diverse, but you kind of just do one thing with your life? The aliens find what they like and specialise in that particular field for the rest of their lives? Which by the way can span centuries.

Meanwhile, humans might work as garbage collectors but also be really good at music? Work as baristas but spend the rest of their time writing a novel or dreaming about acting? Or work three jobs so they can afford going to med school or law school? And maybe even play a sport fairly good on top of that, like tennis or rock climbing or whatever? Or be really good at building stuff or painting or do math or sing or play video games?

Imagine the human being bored in mess hall and start drawing their crew mates.

“Human Dana, I thought you were in charge of communication?”

“I am, why do you ask?”

“Human Dana, you are clearly pursuing the art of painting. Did something happen that made you want to change your life around? Do you need assistance?”

“Lay off, I’m just doodling.”

“Human Dana, I have never heard of anyone doing two careers at once. It is not safe!”

“Look, I always doodled, since I was a child, okay?”

“This is highly unusual!”

Dana catches the eye of another human waving in their direction.

“I have to go, me and Sam are going down to play basketball in the holodeck. Wanna come?”

The alien spluttered. There must have been some kind of mistake. Only engineers were allowed on this flight. Painters and athletes had no place there. And yet, Human Dana did their duties as part of the crew. There were no doubt they were an engineer.

The alien sighed. Their command had warned them that the humans were more than they seemed. They just hadn’t said how much more.

Empathy

So the Humans are Weird tag keeps popping up and I absolutely love it, so I’m going to add!

So everyone talks about pack bonding and how humans are super friendly but imagine the aliens trying to find out why and discovering the humans actually have the ability to tap into empathetic fields. To feel a small bit of what another person if feeling.

Like they don’t have to be looking at someone to tell if they’re upset. They just ‘feel’ it. Like 'so I just got a call from Jenny and she seems sad’. And the alien is like 'she sounded fine to me?’ but the humans like 'no, no, I know Jenny, something is wrong’ and guess what something is.

Or how in really tense situations humans sort of just MOVE together. Shift and cover each other’s blind spots without even talking or looking. How they just seem to know when someone is upset and the aliens are like cool low level hive mind.

And then they find out about mob mentality and that freaks them out, that someone can get so caught up in the emotions of a group they basically become one person in 100 bodies. About how when humans go to conserts and dance the music just enhances Thier emotions and they all get in sync and that’s why humans like music so much, it strengthens that empathetic connection!

And then they realize that yes, when the John-human winces because Mizan smashed his finger TS because he somehow 'felt’ that and they’re all like wait no and the realize yeah, Humans can tap into us too.

Tavik is going threw a rough patch with Thier mate but doesn’t tell anyone and acts the exact same so HOW DOES THIS HUMAN KNOW IM UPSET? And all the aliens are like forget telepathy, humans just freaking FEEL this stuff.

My two cents to the Humans are weird tag

I’ve been reading a lot of “humans are weird” posts and I noticed how the aliens just seem… all the same in a way? Like, they all act the same, or live the same way, or something…

Why does it seem like humans are the only ones to… I don’t know, give live birth, or dye their hair/get tattoos?

And why does it seem like humans are weirdly homogenous in those stories. Like… “all humans “pack-bond” “ or whatever.

Why wouldn’t other species have more different languages on their planets?

Why wouldn’t other species have now-useless organs, that are just an evolutionary relic, and serve no real purpose?

Why wouldn’t other species have like eye-sight problems and have some equivalent of glasses or contacts?

Why wouldn’t other species have prostetics?

Why wouldn’t other species get adrenaline rushes (or equivalent of it)?

Why wouldn’t other species wear clothes?

Why wouldn’t other aliens do crazy shit just because?

Why wouldn’t other aliens tan or dye their hair (or equvalent of it) or get tattoos?

Why wouldn’t other species have baby teeth or something similar?

Why wouldn’t other species have mental illnesses or allergies?

Why would humans be so special?

Why would other species act so… primitivelly, despite being so advanced? (Meaning like alpha/beta etc. dynamics being very important or huge size difference between males and females of the species).

So, let’s say that one species usually has like one or two oddities, sometimes more, but none has so many as humans. Humans are not unique in the things they do - they are just unique because of how many weird thing they do.

Imagine some alien captain getting briefed on how to handle humans, before a human joins his crew like:

Older alien captain (O): So, one of the things about humans is that they have many languages they speak on their planet, so they might use translators to communicate with each other, too.

Younger alien captain(Y): Like Nintians or Fari?

O: Yeah, like that. And they sometimes use paint to change their haircolor. Their hair changing color is not a sign of illness.

Y: Like with Zagraw?

O: Exactly. And they like to keep small animals with them, even small predators. They call it “pets”.

*continues for another four minutes, while reading other stuff from a screen*

Y: Slow down… these humans sound really out there. You’re sure they do all that stuff? One species can’t do all that stuff, that’s ridiculous.

O: Kid, we’re like on the first page of the manual. There’s a hundred more pages.

Y: You’re kidding me, right?