Been Seeing A Lot Of These Humans Are Space Orcs Posts Around- Which Is Good, Because I Love Them- And

Human: *juggles* Alien: !? Human: Oh, yeah, it’s just a trick I picked up. Just for fun. I’m not, like, a real juggler Alien: ‘Real’ In these contexts indicates a profession? There are people who do this for money? Human: Oh yeah! I got a friend who’s a professional juggler *finds YouTube video* Alien: !! Human: Yeah, and also there’s combat juggling Alien: This is a metaphorical combat, yes? For social dominance? You do not injure each other? Human: Well, I mean, some injuries are gonna happen. That’s why my friend – the guy in that video – he can’t do combat juggling very much. He can’t risk injury, cuz he has to perform. it’s super fun, though.  Alien: WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS??

Why do you insist on doing the most irrational things, and how has it led to you being the dominant species on the planet?

those “monkey brain/human brain” posts except the monkey brain is presented as the rational one

I am not terrified what are you talking about.

Humans Are Space Orcs: Braces

I have been reading a lot of these so here it is,

Just imagine an alien when they find out about braces.

“Do you mean to tell me that you strap metal to your young and slowly move their bones, without pain killers, over long periods of time? The bones that they use to eat? Then make them wear more metal in their mouths for the rest of their life, all for a standard of beauty?”

Nah dude, some do it for medical reasons. I knew someone who had three teeth stuck in the roof of their mouth so they put braces on them and fixed that right up”

“I don’t think I understand”

“They had to do it, because they had already pulled out their baby teeth so they would have had gaps or out of order teeth. Or get infected.

“But how did braces on the outside of their teeth affect the teeth that were *stuck*”

They first had to cut through the bone to get to them and then they stuck brackets on them. But after that, they just dragged the teeth into place.”

“Through the bone?”

“Yup”

"And it worked?”

"Yup”

*horrified aliens* “I thought you said you care about your young”

"We do”

*even more Horrified aliens*

*off to the side* “didn’t the human say they cared about us”

This is amusing.

Aliens watching out for their humans

So most of the stories I’ve seen in the Humans-Are-Weird/Space-Australia/Space-Orcs have had aliens being completely accepting and mostly one human explaining things.

So what would happen when the alien crew who loved their human and easily accepted that their brain didn’t always work right encountered as absolute asshole?

“Human Katyleen, I do not understand why you are upset about Human Sarah traveling with our crew?”

“Because psychos like her should be locked up Galthor! God first it’s rude to call them nutjobs when they are now they get to take the spots that people like me deserve!”

“Do you have the ability to lift a Bilibithor above your head?”

“No but-”

“Ah! You must be able to out-talk a Fiffifin then!”

“They use so many alliterations it makes no sense!”

“Are you able to correctly change speeds to prevent a hyper speed collision that is, the earth term is inches correct?”

“She is still a psycho! She could snap at any time and kill you all!”

“I believe Human Sarah told us about your kind.”

“What did she say?”

“I believe the terms used is cunt.”

Good advice, filed and reported to command.

In the midst of all these “Humans will packbond with anything” posts, I’m going to pause and give you some actual, real-world career advice

Ready?  Humans are packbondy creatures.  I mean, there’s just no arguing it.  They packbond readily, and quickly, and unbelievably strongly.  Once a human has packbonded with a thing, they will do anything to help and protect that thing.  

There’s a downside to that, not often mentioned.  It uses up a lot of their time and energy to build those packbonds, maintain those packbonds, and most especially to do the work of helping and protecting those with whom they have packbonded.  It doesn’t leave them a lot of time and energy for helping other beings.  If you want a human to help you – if you want to reliably get their best effort – you have to packbond with them first. “Yeah? So?” So you’re probably going to be working with humans for most, if not all, of your career.  No matter how good or bad you are at your job, there will come a time when you need someone else in your workspace to help you with something, whether that’s manning the fry station for 2 minutes while you pee, sending over those numbers from marketing, or dropping everything to teach you how to do a thing that your boss told you to do or else you’d be fired.   Not to mention the big things.  They don’t give promotions to just their friends – at least not so much any more. Promotions go to the people who’ve completed big, visible, important projects.  It seems fair until you consider,,,, who gets the big, important, visible projects assigned to them in the first place?   Humans give boosts to the people they’ve packbonded with.  They mention packbondee’s accomplishments to the boss (or the boss’ boss).  They cover for the mistakes of people they’ve packbonded with.  

“That’s not right! It shouldn’t be a popularity contest! It should be about who does the best –”  Listen to me.  Listen.

You may be right.  You may be the most correct creature to have ever spoken since the beginning of galactic civilization.  It does not matter Humans packbond. It’s what they do. I can’t stop it. You can’t stop it.  No power in the ‘verse can stop it. This is how the human do. All you can do is work with it.  If you want a human to help you – if you want to reliably get their best effort – you have to packbond with them first. “Look, I’m introverted and scared of people and I have social anxiety so I really don’t know how to –” Hey, my pal, I feel you.  I, too, am introverted. And I have social anxiety. And I have PTSD that actually – and I recognize that this is bizarre – has ‘business networking’ as a trigger.   For you, I have good news: Humans will packbond with anything.   Like, you don’t really actually have to do anything. You kinda just have to… exist. In their presence. They kinda do the rest.   If you can talk with them, that speeds things up.  But it doesn’t have to be, like, good conversation. Like, it can totally go You: boy, sure is hot out! Human: Man oh man, can you believe it? You: Wow, yeah Human: Totally You: …. Human: ….

This conversation – as awkward and uncomfortable as it felt to you, has caused this human to packbond with you a little more. If you repeat it weekly, you will get good results. 

THE TAKEAWAYS

You need to packbond with the humans you come in contact with

Taking time to do that is not only justifiable, it is an important part of your job, and should be treated as such

That is to say that, as much as you hate it (and believe me, I understand), you have to take time away from actual work and dedicate it to packbonding with your fellow workers

Tips

Plan out your packbonding time. It’s easier if you can initiate than if a human springs packbonding-time on you all unexpected.  In an office job I like to use Friday afternoon, but adjust according to what makes sense to you and your situation.

Keep some packbonding-time questions handy.  My go-to list is:

(If it’s Monday or Tuesday) How was your weekend?

(If it’s Wednesday) How’s your week been so far?

(If it’s Thursday or Friday) Any big plans for the weekend?

How’s your day been?

You don’t have to care about the answers to these questions. All you have to do is remember that if the human is answering questions, they are not asking you any questions.  Therefore questions are your friend.  If you ask follow-up questions, you may be able to get through the entire packbonding time without having to do any of the talking

Learn to disengage from packbonding.  You can use basically the same sentence (or variants on it), but you’ll want to practice it so that you can make it sound natural.  I use “Awesome! Well, I gotta get going. Have a good one!”

I know it feels overwhelming, but a few minutes of packbonding, once a week, is all you need.  Once you build it into your habits it can be no more annoying than doing dishes or showering.  

What if another “humans are weird” thing is talking to ourselves. Like… it makes no sense? But so many of us do it. Even just muttering under our breaths. I can’t help but think that some alien species would think we’re trying to hide another aspect of our (already weird) abilities.

They can ‘throw’ stuff, and bond with nearly anything, and now they’re talking to people who aren’t even there?!? Sure, they said they were just “talking to themself” but that’s obviously just a bad excuse. They do have thoughts after all.

(Feel free to add to this, it always makes posts 38200× better)

Gravity

Something I haven’t seen yet with the “humans are weird/space orcs” thing is differences in gravity

Like imagine humans going to planets or moons and having to have an alien escort to hold them down. Humans stuck to their alien friends with those little backpacks with leashes that parents put on their kids or pets!!

Or humans going to a planet with such high gravity that the aliens feel like they’re being crushed to death and ppl are just “ah yes, the comfortable pressure of home world”

Humanity is so beautiful

So I learned two cool things about humans:  Humans have stripes! Human skin is overlaid with what dermatologists call Blaschko’s Lines, a pattern of stripes covering the body from head to toe. The stripes run up and down your arms and legs and hug your torso. You cannot see them without special equipment as the difference between the stripe cells and the non-stripes are too subtle for human eyes to pick up. You will also notice them at if something irritates the skin, as rashes and moles can form along these invisible lines.

Humans are bio-luminescent! We glow in the dark. Natural chemical reactions in our cells let out some energy in the form of visible light. Unfortunately this light is very weak, about 1000 times weaker than the eye can see. Scientists still don’t know if there are animals capable of seeing this light in humans. 

So, it gave me an idea, and I will be writing something on it, but I’m also eager to see where others would go with the idea: what if humans met a race that could see our stripes, or our glow, or both!  My take on the idea will involve the aliens adoring these glowing stripy creatures. Humans, meanwhile, are really confused about why these aliens find us so much more attractive than the more colourful creatures out there. Their compliments would confuse us. We literally cannot see what makes us beautiful to them. 

Anyone who wants to write this, feel free to go other places; love, hate, disgust, confusion. Any reaction from the humans, or aliens, can make a good story. 

Antivenom

have you ever stop to think that we don’t just synthetize antivenom, but we fucking brew it from the venom itself? like, oh, you got bitten by a rattlesnake? fear not, here, inject a bit more venom which have been scienced to antagonize itself. 

and it is not just that- we science venom for medicinal purposes. we take stuff that is uber toxic to us, science a bit with it (well, it takes years and a great effort from our scientists) and TA DAH, here is a brand new uber effective drug against blood clots. 

heck, we BREED venomous snake to extract their venom to use for medicinal purpouse!!!

it is the same principles at the base of vaccines - take what’s dangerous and use it to make yourself stronger. 

this is the most DeathWorlders thing I can think of. aliens don’t stand a chance. 

Empathy

So the Humans are Weird tag keeps popping up and I absolutely love it, so I’m going to add!

So everyone talks about pack bonding and how humans are super friendly but imagine the aliens trying to find out why and discovering the humans actually have the ability to tap into empathetic fields. To feel a small bit of what another person if feeling.

Like they don’t have to be looking at someone to tell if they’re upset. They just ‘feel’ it. Like 'so I just got a call from Jenny and she seems sad’. And the alien is like 'she sounded fine to me?’ but the humans like 'no, no, I know Jenny, something is wrong’ and guess what something is.

Or how in really tense situations humans sort of just MOVE together. Shift and cover each other’s blind spots without even talking or looking. How they just seem to know when someone is upset and the aliens are like cool low level hive mind.

And then they find out about mob mentality and that freaks them out, that someone can get so caught up in the emotions of a group they basically become one person in 100 bodies. About how when humans go to conserts and dance the music just enhances Thier emotions and they all get in sync and that’s why humans like music so much, it strengthens that empathetic connection!

And then they realize that yes, when the John-human winces because Mizan smashed his finger TS because he somehow 'felt’ that and they’re all like wait no and the realize yeah, Humans can tap into us too.

Tavik is going threw a rough patch with Thier mate but doesn’t tell anyone and acts the exact same so HOW DOES THIS HUMAN KNOW IM UPSET? And all the aliens are like forget telepathy, humans just freaking FEEL this stuff.