In 500 Years NASA Could Be A Travel Company

okay so i’ve seen a lot of post about What If Humans Were Weird and stuff about humans and aliens interacting but………….give me some human/alien relationships? where are my complicated courting rituals???? where are my human alien marriages??? Give Me That Shit! what if aliens consider humans the Epitome of Beauty and grace? like yknow how some ostriches prefer presenting to humans instead of other ostriches? and anyone who is lucky enough to be mated to a human is thought of to be like a tier above.

but like the flip side where any human who marries an alien is immediately known as a Kinkster. “i fucking knew david was into weird shit!!! no wonder he got married to an alien from sector 764b4 HE LIKES TENTACLES!!”

or maybe?? aliens who like humans are weird to other aliens? “omg ru'garr stop fetishizing an entire species, u creep.” and ru'garr is trying to hide his weird human porn like “ITS NOT THAT WEIRD GUYS THE GENITALS ARE COMPATIBLE!!!” “fuck off ru'garr”

i just,,, can’t believe i haven’t seen any of this?? @space-australians

Humans Are Weird (Pregnancy and Babies)

“Humans are weird” post! What if all aliens actually hatch from eggs and our planet is the only one in the universe that has mammals on it. For an alien, the shell of their egg is a bit like their birth certificate because it’s the proof that they were born, so it’s extremely important for them. To study the development of certain species, they sometimes have to ask some specimen of that species to show them their shell. But then, they visit Earth and meet humans…

Alien: Good morning Human-Nate. I am Xers, an eggshell specialist. In order to study your species development, I need you to show me the shell of the egg that you hatched from. Don’t worry, I am a professional. I can guarantee that you will have it back in the same state as it was when you entrusted it to me. Human: hummmm, I’m sorry but I don’t have any eggshell to show you….. Alien: Could it be that you lost it? If so, please excuse me for my previous request. I am sorry if you thought that it was a rude of me. Human: Don’t apologize, it’s fine! *nervous hand gesture* I didn’t lose it or anything. It’s just that I never had one in the first place. Humans do not hatch from eggs. Alien: W-what? They don’t?! Then how? Human: Well, to put it short, the baby grows inside of the mother’s uterus for 9 months and then, when they are ready, they just…come out…by another part of the the mother’s reproductive system. Alien: Directly from the uterus? With no shell or protection?! Baby humans actually SURVIVE this?! Human: Yup, and I am the living proof! *laughs* Alien: …..what the hell is wrong with your species.

To learn more about what humans call “pregnancy”, Xers went to see a pregnant woman and asked her questions about the singular gestation process of “mammals”. After a few minutes, the woman chuckled softly and put a hand on her round belly.

Alien: *worried* Human-Kate, are you alright? Human: It’s nothing. I just felt a small kick from her. *chuckles* Alien:….Did your growing organism just ATTACK YOU?!

Humans are weird

So everyone has that friend who you love to pieces but don’t trust at all right? Like they’ll get you food or something’s and you won’t  touch it because WHAT DID YOU DO TO IT. DONT LIE TO ME. I KNOW YOU MESSED WITH IT.  And whenever it has to do with your siblings that reaction is amplified. Imagine that with aliens

*alien brings drink to new human recruits in attempt to build a friendship* 

Alien:Hello human Lila! I have broughht you a refreshment of your species life substance water!

Lila: err, what did you do to it. 

Alien: Nothing, why would I tamper with it?

Lila: alright thanks but, who put you up to this. It wasn’t Dan wasn’t it. Well you can go tell him to buzz off.

*alien walk so away in confusion to go consult with Human Mary*

Mary: don’t worry about it, we refer to it a short our survival instinct 

This is amusing.

Aliens watching out for their humans

So most of the stories I’ve seen in the Humans-Are-Weird/Space-Australia/Space-Orcs have had aliens being completely accepting and mostly one human explaining things.

So what would happen when the alien crew who loved their human and easily accepted that their brain didn’t always work right encountered as absolute asshole?

“Human Katyleen, I do not understand why you are upset about Human Sarah traveling with our crew?”

“Because psychos like her should be locked up Galthor! God first it’s rude to call them nutjobs when they are now they get to take the spots that people like me deserve!”

“Do you have the ability to lift a Bilibithor above your head?”

“No but-”

“Ah! You must be able to out-talk a Fiffifin then!”

“They use so many alliterations it makes no sense!”

“Are you able to correctly change speeds to prevent a hyper speed collision that is, the earth term is inches correct?”

“She is still a psycho! She could snap at any time and kill you all!”

“I believe Human Sarah told us about your kind.”

“What did she say?”

“I believe the terms used is cunt.”

My contribution to the humans are space orcs, it’s probably been seen before but oh well.

So, You guys know about pursuit/persistence hunting right? Where we just follow the prey without stopping until it slows down or drops dead from fear and exhaustion? 

What if when aliens first discover earth, the thoughts of these bipedal predatory omnivores are bad enough but we seem pretty obsessed with farming our food so maybe we aren’t much of a threat.

Once humans are zipping about in space, that’s when they realise that these harmless bipedal omnivorous farmers are actually hunters who just never give up.

If someone hurts their crew, they just follow it for days before killing it. These soft fleshy things are terrifying. These soft fleshy things may not be the strongest or fastest but we are some of the hardest damn things to kill because we just won’t die and if we survive we won’t stop until we get you. 

We farm things because we can and because it’s easy. Not because we have to in order to survive.

We farm things because we’re too busy fighting each other to hunt for everything.

We stake out areas, we mimic its noises, we stalk it, we put ourselves in danger to kill a food source for fun. 

HUMANS IN SPACE

so the humans are space orcs posts where we can just hide emotions from our customer service skill set, why don’t we take that a step further.

What about actors, who literally train for years to act different behaviors for different roles, from good guys to bad guys. One minute the human is kind and gentle, the next he is arrogantly addressing the pirates who invaded, all from his acting days.

Their strict memorization can help them recall lines for any situation. They can cry on cue, motivate their crewmates with a well place monologues, become the life of the party with one liners and comedic sketches.

Hell this can apply to dedicated fans. The ones who try to get in character at cosplays, or memorize entire dialogues from their favorite scenes.

Really I just want someone to write alien fic where a human quotes the wallet scene from pulp fiction and just fucking terrifies them

humans are weird

of course there’s been lots of posts about how humans have pets

dangerous pets. that can kill. that are kept even having injured their human. ugly pets that humans still gush over.

but what if what really makes humans weird is the love we have for our pets? like, aliens can sort of understand pets because not only can they be used to hunt, but also because humans are known throughout the galaxy as a species that will aggressively pack bond and adopt even inanimate objects.

but humans love their pets. humans will cry over their pets. even humans who have been identified by other humans as criminals and dangerous have and love pets. humans that abuse their pets are looked at with disgust and considered criminal. humans will risk their lives for animals that aren’t even theirs. humans will make their pet toys. humans will groom their pet simply because their pet enjoys it.

imagine an alien experiencing a pet’s funeral. and every human crew member is crying. a couple even do a little speech for poor bobby. and the alien crew are just utterly confused? because isn’t this usually reserved for dead humans? not a non-sentient being?!?!

they ask Human-Bee after the funeral- why is your species upset. you ingest poison for fun. you evolved on the planet from hell. you can get another parasite- sorry- I mean pet, can’t you?

yes, crewman t’sk, of course we can get another pet, but we loved bobby

the humans are all noticeably upset for the next week, so the alien crew on the next shore leave sneak away and when they come back present their humans with a new dog called jeff

watching all the humans smile and coo over the new dog, the alien crew think that maybe the universal pamphlets advertising how to care for humans were wrong. maybe these humans and pets aren’t in a parasitical relationship, but a symbiotic one.

Go for the Head

so, I was thinking about how human bodies can survive a great deal of damage, right? 

probably all the guides on humans say things like “if you really need to kill one, go for the head. that’s the surest way to kill a human.” 

but do you realize that even that might just not be enough?

please, allow me to introduce Mr. Phineas Gage. 

Mr. Gage was a foreman working in the construction of railroads. He is most famous because he survived an hideous accident where a 3.2 cm thick, 1 meter long iron rod was driven into his brain by an explosion. 

Let me repeat: an iron pole rocketing through the organ that controls the whole body was not enough to kill him. 

Just in case you need another picture to get the idea of just how serious was the injury. 

of course such a severe injury could not leave him unscarred: his personality changed completely, and he had moments of delirium. 

but he survived. not only that, but he went on having a relatively normal life. his speech, movement and intelligence WERE NOT IMPAIRED BY THE INJURY. 

aliens have all the more reason to be scared shitless of us. 

What if humans are the only species that gets "mystery" bruises? How weird would it be to aliens that we can sustain an injury that leaves a mark lasting days or sometimes weeks but don't remember how we got it?

I love it!

Humans are already terrifying enough, but then it gets injuries like contusions (which is deadly to several species mind you!) and it doESN’T EVEN KNOW WHY?!?!?!?

At first the interspecies council thinks it’s a joke. Yes, it has already been established that a human just plain won’t die (with very few exceptions, like decapitation) and contusions aren’t that dangerous for most species. That it’d be unsuccessful at killing a human wasn’t surprising, but that they some times don’t even know how they’ve gotten the contusion? No that has to be a joke.

It’s ruled as another myth until a member of the council travels with a ship with a few human crew-members. Trofaxiq the Elder had taken a stroll around the ship a few days into the voyage when he heard two humans talking.

“Maybe you walked into something?” The tall, highly pigmented one said, inspecting something on the slightly shorter, less pigmented one.

“Yeah, you know I’m clumsy, but the position’s weird, isn’t it?” The shorter one said, looking down at their own appendage.

“So maybe you got it in your sleep?” The tall one suggested as the short one spotted Trofaxiq the Elder and jabbed its appendage into their fellow human’s sternum. A less experienced Froentir would have mistaken it for an attack, but Trofaxiq the Elder knew enough about human behaviour to know it was called a ‘nudge’ and was socially acceptable. 

After the normal exchange of greetings and pleasantries, Trofaxiq the Elder eventually asked the humans what they had been discussing. The tall one, Fatima, said the short one, Lucíahad gotten a bruise, but couldn’t remember how. Unsure what a bruise was, Trofaxiq the Elder asked, but quickly came to wish they hadn’t as they saw the large contusion on the humans appendage.

Less than one rotation later, the human guide had been updated, and a suggestion had been made to add a classification so they could mark humans down as more dangerous than the previous  “extremely dangerous, do not approach in the wild”

The only problem was how useful humans could be to expeditions. In the end, the suggestion wasn’t passed, to the worry of many council members.

Humans and Terraforming

If there is one thing that can be said, humans are very good at changing their environment. Now regardless of your views on climate change or greenhouse gases, it cannot be denied that humans have left a big and very literally mark on our planet.

We’ve been doing it ever since our primeval ancestors figured out that fire can be used to clear forest, and that the grasslands created by such burning attracts grazing animals and gives us a clear line of sight for our throwing spears and nets. We have been doing it ever since the ancient humans figured out they could damn creeks to make ponds that lured in waterfowl. That if you repeatedly burned a clearing, the berry bushes would keep coming back ever year. That if you created stone walls along the low tide line, you could create sandy terraces that are perfect for clams. We managed our resources, only fishing at certain times, only hunting certain types of animals, or only cutting certain types of trees.

Then we invented agriculture and we wrought even more changes on the planet. We cleared forests to make room for our fields, pastures and cities. We terraced entire hillsides to allow us to grow crops. We drained swamps and cut the landscape with irrigation canals to provide our crops with water. Often we changed the very course of rivers and altered the soil we relied on, sometimes for better and sometimes for worse. Forests disappeared as our cities and emerging states needed timber for construction, ship-building, and fuel to make pottery, smelt metals, cook our food, and keep us warm.

But we didn’t just change the landscape, we also changed the plants we grew so that they suited our needs. We changed the animals we relied on. We turned wolves into dogs, auroch into cows, ibex into goats, jungle fowl into chickens, and wild boars into pigs. We called this process domestication, and soon quickly forgot that we had ever been without these domesticates.

We made artificial hills for our rituals, built mountains out of cut stone to mark the tombs of revered rulers, carved symbols into the landscape. Sliced into mountains to carve roads, mine metal ores, and quarry stone. We made monuments so astounding that people thousands of years later thought they must have been made by the gods, and buildings of the modern age that dwarf them.

We’ve also traveled. We’ve crossed all our oceans, bringing with us the animals and plants of our homelands, and returning home with the animals and plants of other lands. Some is intentional. New crops that offer new advantages. Animals from far away to awe visitors or remind us of home. Some is unintentional. Plant seeds lodged in the tread of our boots. Insect larva in the bilge of our ships. Rats that scurry and stay out of sight, and hitch a ride on our sailing ships and outrigger canoes. Some we regret bringing, intentionally or not, others have settled in and carved their own place in their new home.

And now we look to the stars and wonder if we could do the same to other planets. To bring our life and our world to the stars. To turn a red planet green and blue.

And what if we succeeded? What if a red planet turned green, and flushed with our success, we turned to other balls of rock orbiting distant stars.

And what if we encountered other life. Life that was like us, but also very different. What if they had never seen life like ours before, that spread to the stars turning red, grey, and brown planets blue and green.

What if some are fearful. What if they seen our domesticated animals, our sculpted landscapes, and our diverse nations and fear that we will assimilate and change them and their world like we did to our ancient animal enemies and our distant home planet.

But what is some our awed, and look at us and see a species that can not only adapt itself to new and challenges and environments, but that also changes the challenge and environment itself. Often changing and adapting to the changes they themselves wrought. For better and worse, humanity sailed the stars on the crest of a wave of change that they themselves have been creating since their distant ancestors set fire to the underbrush and realized they could use this.