“Know That Sooner Or Later That Mantle Of Sadness And Loneliness Shelters Us All, So Smile, Smile That

I see that I’ve lost followers today. That’s okay by me. If my blog offends or upsets you, feel free to unfollow me. I used to say pre-Trump era that I didn’t talk politics with people. I didn’t want to offend anyone. But you know what? My conscience will not let me be silent. This is my blog. It is anti-Trump. It’s anti-racism. It’s anti-misogyny. It’s anti-judging anyone for their body size or religion or sexual preferences or preferred pronouns. It’s feminist as fuck. It’s pro- everybody deserves the same damn rights & privileges as the next person. To be honest, if you’re silent on or in agreement with what’s going on in this country right now, we are not & will not be kindred spirits. I try very hard not to judge others, but on this, I am judging & taking the measure of your character very hard. So unfollow if you need to.

“but is it still abuse if the abuser doesn’t seem to realize he’s doing it?”

YES IT IS. Abuse is defined by the pain and trauma victims go thru, your suffering and fear don’t go down one bit because “abuser may not be aware of what they’re doing”, actually, it goes up! Being tortured by someone who doesn’t care enough to even freaking realize they’re damaging you is much more dehumanizing and emotionally taxing than at least knowing the abuser’s intention clearly and that they’re achieving exactly what they want to achieve. Being lost about abuser’s intentions adds on to the trauma!

It doesn’t matter if they meant to do it or not (in most cases they absolutely meant it or didn’t actually give a shit if they’re hurting you or not as long as they get what they want). Staying safe from this person is important. Stopping the abuse and preventing any future abuse is important. Healing is important. Label the abuser with whatever you need that helps you to heal. Forget abuser’s side of the story and focus on yours. What they agree or disagree, what they’re aware or aren’t aware isn’t nearly as important as stopping that person from harming you, and preventing them from hurting you ever again.

one of the more valuable things I’ve learned in life as a survivor of a mentally unstable parent is that it is likely that no one has thought through it as much as you have. 

no, your friend probably has not noticed they cut you off four times in this conversation. 

no, your brother didn’t realize his music was that loud while you were studying. 

no, your bff or S.O. doesn’t remember that you’re on a tight deadline right now.

no, no one else is paying attention to the four power dynamics at play in your friend group right now.  

a habit of abused kids, especially kids with unstable parents, is the tendency to notice every little detail. We magnify small nuances into major things, largely because small nuances quickly became breaking points for parents. Managing moods, reading the room, perceiving danger in the order of words, the shift of body weight….it’s all a natural outgrowth of trying to manage unstable parents from a young age. 

Here’s the thing: most people don’t do that. I’m not saying everyone else is oblivious, I’m saying the over analysis of minor nuances is a habit of abuse. 

I have a rule: I do not respond to subtext. This includes guilt tripping, silent treatments, passive aggressive behavior, etc. I see it. I notice it. I even sometimes have to analyze it and take a deep breath and CHOOSE not to respond. Because whether it’s really there or just me over-reading things that actually don’t mean anything, the habit of lending credence to the part of me that sees danger in the wrong shift of body weight…that’s toxic for me. And dangerous to my relationships. 

The best thing I ever did for myself and my relationships was insist upon frank communication and a categorical denial of subtext. For some people this is a moral stance. For survivors of mentally unstable parents this is a requirement of recovery. 

and then people had the gall to say she was being unreasonable for setting boundaries

(Dec. 20)

i always mean it when i say i love you btw

let’s treat ourselves more gently. let’s go to bed early. let’s rest when we need to. let’s live life in a way that doesn’t make you feel burnt out after a few weeks. i want us to have fun, to enjoy everyday life, to be present and not to always push ourselves to the last limit. challenge yourself but also treat yourself with love. okay?

I love this movie so much, I just want to watch it with someone rn 😩

🙏🙏🙏