I Hate Feeling Sick. Let’s All Never Feel Sick Again!!!!

Not everything is fleeting. Some feelings are deep. The fact it isn’t close to me, that I can understand. But I find it sad it isn’t close to you.

Portrait de la jeune fille en feu (2019) // dir. Céline Sciamma

why must i be so hard to be around?

Coraline (2009), dir. Henry Selick.

“The ‘O’ in ‘Welcome home’ on the cake has double loops in it. According to Graphology, the double looped lowercase o implies that the person writing it is a liar.”

Elizabeth Debicki and Gemma Arterton as Virginia Woolf and Vita Sackville-west in Vita & Virginia (2019), with excerpts from Virginia and Vita’s love letters.

When👏can👏I👏die?

Into the Spider-Verse is, undoubtedly, a Miles Morales movie, yet I can’t help but feel sympathy for Peter B. Parker and relate to him more than to Miles as the twenty something kid that I am. The moral of the story the movie presents is there, and it’s Miles’ moral, but Peter’s character story and arc is also there and it’s maybe sadder than you think in that funny, light movie, but so important to me.

Gen Z and Millennials can definitely relate to the older Peter, even if he’s 38 years old. He’s tired, he’s done, he just wants some rest, he resents his responsibilities, he’s screwed up more times than he remembers, he’s not much of a fan of kids, he doesn’t even care about proper spelling (”There’s always a bypass key, a virus key, a who-cares key, I can never remember so I just call it a goober.”). Honestly, mood. And I’m only in college, people.

See, there is this moment in the movie that is supposed to serve as a comedic moment: Miles tries to say “with great power comes great responsibility” but Peter abruptly cuts him off, almost screaming “don’t you dare finish that sentence, don’t do it!”. Then he follows with “I’m sick of it.” And then he says “My advice? Go back to being a regular kid.”

Peter still tries to live by the words of his uncle, but where at the beginning they were his motivation and something that gave his life meaning, now they’re a resented responsibility drawing a circle he can’t break out from. He’s been slowly losing his passion for being Spider-Man, just putting the suit on because he feels like he has to. He even says that Mary Jane scared him by her wanting kids. He’s scared to move on and to be something else, something more than just Spider-Man. There’s also the reason of him not wanting to see his kid go what he’s gone through, and that being a parentless family, but that’s half of the problem.

When you get a close up

you can see the determination on his face, but there are also a broken nose, bags under his eyes, the hair he doesn’t even care to pull back, the gray skin, the scruff, a few wrinkles even, and… sadness. He’s genuinely sad, he’s depressed, and so done with everything. But he’s not one to quit. He’s still living by Ben’s words.

Those words have become his curse because he lost his way somewhere along his life, because he overdid it with understanding the words. It’s like with Titanic where they were supposed to have women on the lifeboats first, and then men, but they just let the women step into the lifeboats because they didn’t understand the command. That being said, instead of being just a motivation and inspiration, Ben’s words became something he can’t let go of, almost like a drug, like a sick addiction, and maybe he does see it, maybe he doesn’t, but it’s there, and it’s determining his life. He can’t help but loathe them. He doesn’t allow himself to be something else but these words. He is those words, nothing else.

There’s a moment in the movie where Aunt May tells him, “you look tired.” And he genuinely replies, “I am tired.” I may or may not have shed a tear, because that was the perfect reflection of how he felt and how lost he was. He was tired of being who he was and still pursued that path. Sounds relatable? Because it is.

Things happen, movie ends, and while Miles’ moral of the story is that everyone can wear a mask and nobody’s ever ready to be a hero, that they just grow into it, and all you need is that little spark, Peter B. Parker learns that the words he’s lived by aren’t what should make his life sad, broken, and resentful. He learns that he’s just a person like any other, not just words. Thanks to the little journey with Miles he learns over again that being Spider-Man is supposed to be fun and a responsibility among other things, not only a responsibility determining his day-to-day life 24/7. Peter learns that being a hero does require a lot of sacrifice, but it’s just a part of who he is, and that he has the right to be happy.

I don’t know what you got out of the movie, but in my opinion, Peter B. Parker teaches you in this movie that you have the right to be happy. You have the right to live a good life despite one or more responsibilities that set up your daily basis, whether it’s a job or a problem you’ve had for a while. You can still be happy.

I stepped out of the movie theater thinking, “goddammit, why don’t people remember that you can still be happy nowadays? Why do people determine their lives by only the bad things? Why are we like this? Why am I like this?” And honestly? Despite all the bullsh*t, all the crap, and all the small or big problems, I deserve some happiness, man. And so do you.

Schizo Spectrum Disorders + Disorganised Speech

People in the schizo spectrum can be hard or sometimes frustrating to talk to. People who are uninformed about schizophrenia and other psychotic disorders can mistake this as rudeness, silliness, or inebriation but it’s actually one of the symptoms of a debilitating mental disorder. 

Disorganised speech often occurs in a schizophrenic person leaving their speech short, baffling or incomprehensible. It can display itself as random topic changes, gibberish, slurring, making up random words, word salad, and rapid and incoherent speech which makes the person hard to understand. 

I complied a list of  speech/thought disorders found in people on the schizophrenic spectrum with some basic definitions.

Most of these can be found in other mental disorders and you should bring it up with your doctor if you experience any of these often, without your control and without cause or stimulant (i.e. drug use, drunkenness, lack of sleep etc.)

ALOGIA

also known as poverty of speech. this is when there’s a lack of spontaneous speech. it can display itself in short and monosyllabic responses that trail off or end by the second syllable. it leads to an inability to make small talk or carry on simple conversation. in extreme cases it can even lead to partial mutism

( e.g. person 1: “hey how’s it going?”

person 2: “fine.”

person 1: “what do you want for dinner?”

person 2: [shrugs]

person 1: maybe we should go out, get chinese.

person 2: [shrugs]

person 1: do you want something else

person 2: no )

ECHOLALIA

this is the repetition of noises/words/phrases/sentences made by another person. persons experiencing echolalia often repeats questions or sentences directed to them and can make it difficult to carry on a conversation

( e.g. person 1: i have to go to the bathroom

person 2: go to the bathroom

person 1: can you watch my purse for me?

person 2: watch my purse for me

person 1: why are you doing that?

person 2: why am i doing that? )

THOUGHT BLOCKING

this is when there’s an abrupt pause in someone’s train of thought wherein the person often forgets the original topic. it can lead to multiple topics being covered in one sentence or to an unexpected and abrupt end to a conversation mid sentence

( e.g. i like that new song by [pause] … i wish i didn’t cut my hair. )

CLANGING

this is speech characterised by compulsive grouping of words by rhyming or alliteration. there’s no logic or reason in this sort of speech

( e.g. we have to go get green grass grisly grey. (or) when will we wait with words which wing were whims? )

NEOLOGISM

this is the creation of new words often in the form of gibberish or nonsense babbling. it can happen as full sentences or a normal sentence that veers off into it 

( e.g. meaning to say “i want to go to sleep i’m tired” and actually saying “i want to go to sleep illa craviges”)

SCHIZOPHASIA/WORD SALAD

this is a bunch of random words strung together to no reason or purpose and while it can sometimes be vaguely related to the topic at hand, it comes out in a confusing array of disconnected words

( e.g. i want to get the purple apple match from the towel chair )

PRESSURE OF SPEECH

this is rapid paced, erratic, frantic speech. it’s usually loud and frenzied. it’s almost impossible to get the person experiencing it to pause and the listener will most likely not get a word in edgewise. 

PERSEVERATION

this is the repetition of one word or phrase over and over after they’ve ceased to be relevant or appropriate to the situation. 

( e.g. person 1: i’m going to take a walk in the park later

person 2: walk in the park

person 1: do you wanna come with?

person 2: walk in the park

[20 minutes later]

person 1: i’m gonna put on the kettle. do you want some tea?

person 2: walk in the park

NOTE: feel free to reblog whether or not you’re on the spectrum or have any mental illnesses at all. way too many people assume that schizo spectrum people are just rude or belligerent or mocking or joking when we’re really just exhibiting symptoms of our disorder.

HhehhahahahrhhehehehhhagahaggaggggaGgahhHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

You almost had me.

You almost made me think you didn’t blame me for everything.

I almost started blaming myself again for everything.

I have so much to be guilty for, don’t I?

Hhehhehhheh silly silly silly funny joooookke

i want to be loved in the same amount that i love.