Moonsquaremars - KÝLL

what in the actual fuck.

i thought i had met the one. no, for real this time. i say that every time i meet a guy. i swear.

my chart

his

he was chubby, just my type, and we did the same drugs. grew up in the same part of town. he had a house and a job. bingo.

i ask if he knows his moon sign, he responds that he doesn’t know what it’s currently in. i had to ask him to repeat himself because of how disbelief i was in. i coulda melted there on the floor.

later he shows me his printed out natal chart and i examine it on his bed.

unfortunately i do our synastry chart and he only had one key aspect. most of my exes usually have more than one. first red flag, i ignore.

keep telling myself maybe he only has one because he’s the one key for me. even though the key aspect was a bad one.

he’s a cancer sun like me. my lilith is also in cancer and supposedly that means you attract the darker aspects of that sign. that would line up. his moon is in gemini, mine is in virgo. kinda at odds there. he constantly wanted to argue. like to the point where it didn’t make sense. like pulling arguments out of thin air and kept running out of ideas.

all his personal planets are in cancer. mine are in gemini. his moon is in libra 7th house, my uranus is in 7th house. i have a tattoo of uranus glyph on my ring finger because it’s my favorite planet for what it represents in astrology. supposedly moon in 7th makes needy for like constant social interaction and having people around. also adds up. he has a lot of friends, and he’d use that to hurt me.

he had pluto in 11th house. i have mars, mercury, and venus there. i really feel like he livened me up. helped me see a light and grow comfortable in my skin and environment. pluto is power and i definitely felt empowered.

my sun is in 12th house, his was in 8th. compatible houses. we talked about spirits and the occult. he told me he had seen a demon one time. it made me fall for him harder. i have a vacant 8th house so it really piqued my interest. i thought it was cute, sexy. an 8th house sun.

he had outer planets in the 12th house, and a bunch in his 1st and 2nd. i have a vacant 1st house. not my favorite house to be honest. could explain why he’s such a dick and ok with hurting others. i feel like first house is a self centered house.

2nd house, i have my moon there. another placement that makes sense. i thought i could make a home with him. i loved his home. i wanted to learn everything about him and spend years with him. i looked at him and saw a husband.

but it got so sour so fast. he wouldn’t let up. it makes me think he was sabotaging it, us. for reasons unknown. maybe he’s just a bpd narcissist and there’s no sense to make. maybe it’s cuz his ex died and his mother is also deceased. i have no clue. maybe it’s just because he’s a big ol bottom.

but i really thought he was the one. i hate that so much of his chart made sense, but i’ve felt like this before about someone. it really hurts having to constantly let go.

we also had north node and chiron conjunct. i thought that was interesting because not a lot of people have that placement ? or maybe they do ? but his were located in gemini in the 7th house. mine are located in libra in the 3rd house. isn’t that so ironic? it’s like it’s mirrored.

he was also born in 1984 which was so sexy to me because george orwell. but he is kinda small minded and i feel diminished my shine in some ways. im just so upset. this doesn’t make any sense to me.

if you’ve read this and have any observations or insight, i’d love to hear it.

The lion's roar. The animal story book. 1904. Book cover.

Internet Archive

i hate that my instincts always seem to be at odds with my desires

Immortality. 1901. Endpaper. 

Joseph Mallord William Turner Sun Setting over a Lake, c. 1840 Oil on Canvas, 91 x 122.5 cm

ok so i really wanna write a screenplay about my summer. i think it’d make a really good queer indie film. i’m more a visual person but i hate writing scripts. i might just make it a short story or novella first, but i think i am on to something. there’s too much creative energy flowing through me, i’ve been wanting to focus and write it for a while now.

the premise is two gay guys in the south and their following romance. i’m not sure how much i want it to be autobiographical. id say about 50% of it will be true or based on the truth. the details surrounding their personal lives aren’t too important. there will be character 1 & 2 and they are the primary focus. there might be a friend for the bear and the ex for the twink that will get some coverage. family for twink. maybe just sister for bear.

but the first scene of the film, the shot will see the ocean and then go down to a young blond twink eating at a hotel restaurant on the coast. hell be looking pensive then his older boyfriend will come to the table and greet him. like sugar daddy vibes. then it will be a flashback to the summer.

it will have the two gay guys — one a twink and one a bear — falling in love in the lower middle class / middle class urban south. there will be drug use, id specifically like to have mathematics in a scene or two. i know there’s not a lot of that in media and it also is common in the gay population in a way i think straights don’t realize. i know it’s not exactly palpable for the public, but it’s so common especially in the south, i think it needs its moment in the spotlight. i’ve considered just having molly or cocaine or maybe even LSD. G should also have a mention cuz that’s another gay culture drug. poppers are definitely a must. all that could be considered. but i think it deserves a mathematics scene.

there will be at least one scene of domestic violence. that would probably be the climax of the film. it doesn’t have to be graphic, but hey im not throwing that out the window either. it could stay true to the dull, slow indie rhythm. as long as there is an emotional intensity surrounding it. maybe a bloody nose at least.

i don’t want too many details about the boyfriend twink is with in the opening scene. but there might be a scene where he is in california about 1/4 into the movie, so the viewer remembers it’s a flashback. twink could just be walking around LA though. maybe a scene in SF where he kisses new boyfriend sugar daddy vibes.

and there should probably be a good sex scene or two. again, not enough bear - twink combo in media. the bear / twink combo is important cuz that’s not seen enough of.

that’s all i’ve got for now.

twink will just be exiting an unsatisfying relationship, (partner accidentally had sex with twink’s father), + he gets his onlyfans deleted. so bear is new summer romance. but then it gets ugly. i want the twink’s lack of finances to be emphasized. but also his work ethic.

but i want the viewers to fall in love with the characters like they are with them, falling in love with them. i want it to be heart wrenching, and believable. i want the viewers to feel the emotions of the actors.