Nero Returned To Rome And Spent The Evening In The Palace. After Sleeping, He Awoke At About Midnight

My Folly With The Mormon Church

You gave me purpose for so long. You solved my existential fears until I was forced to outgrow them. However the surrounding chaos, the plagues of my mind.

I surrender. I had to the first time. My father told me from a young age the importance of asking Christ to be saved, or you will be doomed to hell for eternity if you die. That’s pretty heavy for a five year old. I was spooked.

The second time was when I was thrown into the deep end after graduating high school. THE KIDS WERE NOT ALRIGHT. I was a mess.

Ill-prepared, temperamental, homosexual. Frustrated at the world. Frustrated with what was promised to me. My social realities just differed. My social life and upbringing. What was within reach. My stomping grounds. The struggles I had to face with from my home, against my will or control.

The Mormon Church gave me an answer.

Gave me a sense of purpose, sense, reasoning. After all, what could be more important than one’s eternal salvation. I came to the conclusion that homosexuality statistically had to be morally corrupt due to its widespread attitude across cultures and countries. Hell, I read even the Buddhists didn’t support all at. Damn. Even the Buddhists hate me ???

If all we got is Ancient Rome & Greece backing us, I hate to admit we’re doomed. Look at their fates. Maybe I am just a pawn for the demoralization of American society. Being working class is just a double wammy.

Admittedly though, two very close people to me died actually, and they were how I would’ve considered ‘privileged’. Private schools, even fencing lessons.

But they got clipped by God’s Own Hand. He ain’t take me out for some reason yet. I sure have been hoping though, deep down. I guess you could say that’s a source of my self sabotage. And the fear. Oh the fear. The fear of being myself, because it’s morally incorrect and of eternal consequence. Or the fear that was quite literally in my face. Mothertruckers would knock me out around here. I’m an effiminate white boy in an industrialized, working class urban environment.

With unhealthy coping strategies. Maybe that’s why I joined some strange religion, and made it my entire f***ng identity. Now at the ripe, very adult of 28, I ain’t got my cuteness as a defense for much longer.

Not that that necessarily saves you in America anyhow. You could die in a mass shooting in a grocery store. It really is wild like that out here. I think it does something to your psyche.

MY RETURN OF SATURN ♄ ༝༚༝༚

When I read that Saturn in the 9th House Natives (in Kentucky we would say was instead of were, but I’ll speak proper) were energetically attracted to more Traditional types of religions. My jaw bout near dropped. I kinda felt called out. How this book gonna tell me about myself like that?

I was irked. But it only furthered my belief in the ancient art of the stars. You can’t really argue with what’s right in front of you. And I, p

Pause. Had to start playing Saturn by Sza.

Alright. This stream of conciousness has been cathartic but it’s time I focus on the big idea. My health. My future. Rules change as you get older. Adult problems aren’t kid problems. I gotta get real with how my choices and actions have consequences. The strength of my youth is fading. My breathing is getting bad from years of smoking, vaping, clubbing and gaying. It’s time to retreat and try to find redemption from my mistakes of my 20s. I learned lessons. As 2 Chains said it best, I’m Diffrent..

中文课照片 · chinese class in photos

这个星期我们学习新的诗歌

Frederiksgårds Skole (1949-52) in Copenhagen, Denmark, by Frits Schlegel

bad art or something

Hilma Af Klint

dysphoria