Not The Abacus

命运 destiny

错觉 mispercetion

for reasons unknown to me, powers greater than ourselves tore us apart. it wasn’t what i wanted. i’m still angry at the universe for tricking me.

when neptune and uranus meet, one will betray the other

Iriee Zamblé (Dutch 1995)

LOVERS ROCK (2023)

oil on canvas (240 x 150 cm)

i’m looking at his natal chart. even though we aren’t together anymore, i can’t help myself. i’m still struggling to make sense of everything that has happened, but i’m slowly accepting distance as the reality. there’s just something about him.

we both have five planets in retrograde. his are the outers. i have venus, no saturn, plus chiron or something. i’ve always liked the fact i have a lot of retrograde planets, and most people don’t have more than one or two. our charts really are like a mirror.

i found the source for his violence and emotional power games. it’s his mars conjunct saturn, both in twelfth house. i admire him for that. since my sun is there, i’m no judge of the chaos the 12th house brings. i seem to live in it and enjoy it. our relationship was quite twelfth house after all.

but supposedly mars & saturn connections can bring a penchant for harshness and cruelty. quite frankly, that kinda turns me on. i do have a bunch of squares to my moon & pluto after all. i thought the arguments we had were fun. i have a gemini stellium and he has a gemini moon. it wasn’t fun and games for him though unfortunately.

i remember when i saw his qi energy one day in his back yard. qi energy is something i see on people sometimes, like their spirit energy. for him, it was a quick glimpse like the right side of his face was rotting. his eyeball was missing and it was like creepy. it was quite scary come to think of it, but somehow it transferred a light to me. and i don’t recall feeling too scared by it.

but after that, i began seeing a light in other peoples eyes occasionally. it was like a “hey, i’m here for you. i’m not judging you” kind of light. i think me seeing his qi energy gave me that light, to help me move forward when i get so depressed. and as i would come to find out, the 8th house is the house of “rot”. and he was my eighth house sun.

flighty and petit. will know how to make good conversation, unless you have chiron in3rd or virgo moon like i do. passionate, and a sharp tongue. insult is an art. forgetful. indecisive. curious.

mars 11h w merc + venus. square moon. opposite pluto. guess that means i’m intense. woof.

Spore print of Amanita Muscarius. Our edible toadstools and mushrooms and how to distinguish them. 1895.

Internet Archive

HILMA AF KLINT / "THE DOVE: XII" / 1915 [oil on canvas | U/D]