Moon-Pluto Aspects - Dating Mortal Boys When Your Dad Is The Lord Of The Underworld

i’m sitting in his room. it’s a few days before christmas.

it’s chilly, most of the days, in kentucky. a warm day in the 50s or 60s isn’t uncommon though. one christmas, it snowed. a few snow days a year are all a young student could hope for. the ice storm during my 7th grade year was a pleasant, citywide shut down exception.

anyway, i am laying on his bed. i smoke a cigarette. a red camel crush. bad teacher is on his tv. he needs a shoulder rub.

it’s 1:39 am. bad teacher is still on. he’s fallen asleep, like he always does. he feels safe and comfortable. i like to lay awake and listen to him sleep. like i’m watching over him while he rests.

something strange happened tonight with the new guy i am seeing. we started dating a few months ago. we had great sex for hours the first time we reconnected after six years. he’s a ceo. he appeals to a lot of aspects of my personality, he is a good fit. we have good chemistry. we have good sex. but i don’t feel for him like i do for space cowboy. even if i am weary of his volatile ways. i am okay with being with ceo if space cowboy falls through. i’m okay with walking away at this point.

but tonight. he didn’t text me good morning today. he said he was going to facetime me on my break to show me the house he was staying at. but then he didn’t answer or respond to my text. immediately feeling strange about this, but he does have a tendency to fall asleep early.

i immediately felt he was with someone else. and now, i realize it might have been his worker that just flew into boston. i know this worker. ceo isn’t exactly out of range of his type. but he does have a husband, though that hasn’t stopped a gay man before. i know from painful experience.

but i also got a strange vibe at the end of our phone call. they were both in the work van. i was in my car. i realized worker was different from me emotionally. saw things differently. the goodbye just was strange. i think it was ceo’s voice. sometimes our personalities don’t mesh.

hopefully-maybe i’m being paranoid. but would be cool if i was right. i like when my senses are right.

[[edit: i just remembered him saying he’s hooked up with worker’s husband before. they totally fucked. last night worker had his own hotel room. this morning, ceo doesn’t text me good morning which i found strange. he misses the call with me on his break. i’m at the point where i feel certain they had sex. this will be a good intuition tester, cuz i never know when to listen to something as right, or just in my head. this will be an experiment. cuz i’m so sure of my senses right now. but if i’m wrong, i’m wrong. i know ceo will tell truth. but if they’re having sex multiple times, it might hurt me. this would be the perfect opportunity to tell him i’ve been seeing space cowboy though. and space cowboy is starting to show more promise. he’s beginning to communicate. he’s told me thank you twice tonight. /end edit. ]]

that would be a low jab. but, i am over space cowboy’s house right now. everything in me has wanted a relationship with him. but things have progressed so smoothly with ceo. there are things he doesn’t know. things i don’t know how i will integrate.

but space cowboy, may have a very difficult time integrating with my friends and family. what few friends i have left. ceo and space cowboy have the same interests though. they both build wood furniture and things with their hands. maybe ceo can help cowboy. but he may feel jealous.

ceo works with his ex. his ex helps run his company. polyamory is a thing. i don’t know what will happen. could the two share me?

这个学期，我有“漂亮的汉子课”，汉子的历史和书法，那么东西。我喜欢历史，看怎么汉子改变不同的时代。有繁体字很漂亮，我想要没有改变了。但是，也有简单字我很高兴现在使用。书法，我不耐心。我也不在乎如果我的汉子是理想。但是，我赏识这个传统的艺术。

我几乎忘了，我开始了实习期。它是在一家亚洲文化中心。我有两个中国主任。我下还这个实习期。我很高兴。很好的机会。我现在更老，不是孩子或者年轻人。好吧，我饿死了。我现在要吃爆米花。再见 ！

明天的恐惧 · tomorrow’s fears

今天的乐趣 · today’s pleasures

未来的承诺 · the future’s promises

昨天的背叛 · yesterday’s betrayal

Valentine's Day .2024

I don't know what messages the universe is sending me. It was somewhat clear for a moment. The spirit/apparition I sensed outside my window, and again in 8th house's room. The dream I had a year before I met him which came true right before my eyes. When I gave up on him, the very next day, Taco Bell gets my order wrong and gives me his favorite drink, even though they'd never done that before. The synchronicity is insane.

I know it won't make sense to everyone, and a lot of people won't care. I could accept that I never saw a spirit. Perhaps it really was just a hallucination, since I do get those from time to time. It was different from what I usually see though. Distinct. But who knows. Even if I write that off, the dream did come true. It started with us putting art in the back of my car, at night, in an urban setting. I remember the exact moment when I realized the dream was coming true, cuz something in me knew that dream was important when I woke up from it suddenly, a year before. It ended with a gun. The gun that was cocked behind his front door, when my dad and his friends were on the front porch, after he did what he did on his birthday last summer.

I didn't want to give up on him. I got a sense to stay on a Tiktok live of a tarot reader one night, and she started saying. a lot of things I was recognizing and vibing with. I paid for a reading. She told me he was thinking about me, a lot. And that I could expect to hear from him again, but she was suspicious of his intentions due to the swords cards. I was estatic just to know he was thinking about me.

So I guess the end of the dream wasn't quite the official end with him. I did see him more after all. Albeit, it was never like it was during the summer. He became closed off and mean. He didn't compliment me anymore, didn't answer my questions. It's like he was just a mannequin, who occasionally invited me over for unpassionate sex or cuddling in silence while a movie played. He offered me very little, but I was so desperate to start building a relationship again.

The dream I saw of Millionaire Mouse complicates my clarity. I saw him in a dream in July, when I was depressed over 8th house. I didn't hear from him at all that month. I wasn't sure I would again. But he rised from the ashes and texted me eventually, but the ball got rolling with Mouse.

I like him fine. Seeing him in a dream only adds to my confidence in my abilities. Though it makes me wonder how special 8th house really is. Maybe it wasn't meant to last long term with him. The evidence before me seems to suggest that. There's something inside me that doesn't believe it, but I can't tell if that's ego or some objective truth. Like destiny.

Two odd synchronicities happened today. The first was a u2 song in the workvan with millionaire mouse. We were driving back from michigan, and we kept swapping bluetooth access. Then, I look at the screen, and it's on track 9 of 11 from a u2 album. The title of the song is "this is how you can reach me"

911.

I've been seeing that number for years. years. It started happening around when I started doing drugs. I figured it was the universe telling me to stop. That they were bad, that I'm gonna have to call 911 because of some situation I got in or because of my health. That makes sense. But then I started seeing it at times when I wasn't doing drugs. So it didn't make sense to me.

But when I met 8th house, he used to be a policeman. His dad was a firefighter, just like my step dad was. It was perfect. I thought the universe was just telling me my policeman was waiting for me. Now that I spend the days alone or with another man, I'm starting to question my grasp of things. Maybe it's just a stsupid number I just so happen to catch on the clock a lot.

This is how you can reach me. I stared at the screen for a bit. I took a picture, even. track 9 of 11, on a random album that not i nor mouse had pulled up. It just randomly appeared. So I google the album tonight, and see that the actual ninth track is "Sleep like a baby tonight". Is the universe just telling me to go to sleep tonight instead of staying up late like I usually do? Like how I've been staying up late, hoping 8 would text me? That would make sense. but that isn’t even the actual 9th track. ??

He's currently not speaking to me. I got another tarot reading, which I had been wanting to do but the time never felt right until recently. I got pulled into a tiktok live. I even exited it, but it popped back up again. The guy's necklace even started glowing, and he said it was the archangel michael and he was with him. And I believe him. I had another synchronous moment with him a couple months ago. So I bought a reading.

Those damn swords cards came up again. He told me the relationship was done. That there was something I was still holding onto that was keeping me from moving forward. That reading really pissed me off. And I want to write it off.

But it's valentine's day. And I'm alone, in my bedroom, and haven't heard a word from 8.

The second synchronous thing. And rather important. My favorite book as a kid, "monster mama" by liz greenburg or something. I had been thinking about the book and decided to google it earlier today. I love how scary the illustrations are. I got the book in kindergarten at a book fair.

Well, I was looking at photos online. The main character has 8's middle name + my middle name. How odd is that? I probably haven't looked at that book since middle school. I don't even know where my copy is. But my favorite children's book, the main character has the two middle names of me and the person I want to live my life with. How am I not supposed to believe that he is perfect for me? That we're destined?

I shuffled my oracle cards and put a token of him on top, before I drew the first card. I was like, please universe, spirits, tell me something thorugh this one card. And Ipulled one.

This is what it said. I'm not sure what sense to make of it. commitment to 8 or to mouse? commitment to my future? what i’ve been holding onto is something i trauma bonded with 8 over. it’s caused me problems in my life, and i haven’t been sure if i should integrate or annihilate.

hopefully time will convince me of what it is i need to do. i have options, they’re just not really the ones i want at the moment.

The red planet. Presidential design awards 2000.

Internet Archive

Maya Kulenovic: Rain (Interior), 2017

buachaill tíre Rí Ceilteach Rwy'n dy garu di

*stormy weather by the kooks*

i really don’t like the stigma attached to schizophrenia.

schizophrenia is almost entirely a “first world problem”, meaning it doesn’t really exist outside of western or developed nations. in many tribal cultures, there are people with otherworldly gifts or abilities that are revered and admired. some tribes even experience group perception of certain spiritual entities or phenomena.

due to western society’s secularist tendency to deny the possibility of metaphysical phenomena outside of the spectrum of “normal” or common human sensory functions. (see, smell, hear)

western society has failed schizophrenic people with a medium with which this extrasensory energy is able to be expressed.

of course there is also psychosis induced from recreational drugs, but that is another topic entirely.