I Rather Like This Edit. The Time Surrounding It Was Horrible, Emotionally, Due To A Quite Ghastly Breakup.
I rather like this edit. The time surrounding it was horrible, emotionally, due to a quite ghastly breakup. However, know ye tom riddle? this gives me his vibes. think half blood prince movie.
im a ravenclaw by birth, however i’ve grown into being a slytherin. to this day i’m not sure which i would choose, if the sorting hat were put on me today. who am i kidding, i’d choose slytherin. most of my friends agree, however, when i was younger i always liked ravenclaw most. and there’s the occasional person who pegs me as a ravenclaw. overwhelmingly though, people guess slytherin. and i quite like that. i could delve deep into my thoughts concerning that. whether that makes me a bad person. but i think slytherin is much more than just being bad.
if i’m just a ravenclaw gone awry, who knows. maybe i’ll change my mind in ten years, if i make it that long. but slytherin is definitely about that edge. that “i don’t give a ****” mentality, which i totally have. i can’t gryffindor. i hate anything common, blasé, popular. i’ve struggled with arrogance throughout my life (rather, others struggle with it. haha) if it weren’t for others b****ng, i wouldnt have had a problem.
but one thing that does make me remarkably slytherin is the water component. the unrequited love. that is something that has been profoundly impressionable on me in my life. i’ve fallen in love with guy after guy, only for it to be unreciprocated. it’s hurtful, yet deep and profound. and i’m still not sure what sense to make of it. but i really relate to severus in his love for lily. the pain. yet the love remains, even when it’s not reciprocated.
my heart also goes out to malloy. and it was quite beautiful how narcissa protected him in the end. and i love loyalty. i’ve been like a broken record, complaining about how unloyal people are. it’s so nice to have people you trust. slytherin is also the house of water, and i am a cancer sun, which is a water sign. so it’s only natural i suppose i relate to it. i do have quite a bit of air in my chart, the element of intellect. so no wonder i felt so drawn to ravenclaw when i was younger!
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Chinese class • 中文课
这个学期，我有漂亮的汉子课。我们学习书法。
我喜欢汉子的历史。很有意思。篆书是我的最喜欢的。我还不知道，毕业的时候，我做什么？我还有几个学期。现在我不需要答案。但是… 我不要抱怨
La Méthode. Paris, 1960
Photo: Christer Strömholm
Koi no yokan: the feeling, when meeting someone for the first time, that falling in love with them is inevitable.
Indiana : American Countryside
Midwest, Great Lakes Region
Summertime
A Father’s Day Weekend
I sit with him on the lakeside
It’s peaceful
The weather is rather humid
We picnic
Sun rays. The three furlongers. 1914. Cover detail.
Internet Archive
I've had the suspicion since this evening that someone was here with me. My immediate instinct is my ex boyfriend Andrew, who died a few years ago. His birthday is a week away.
The light began to subtely get brighter and then dimmer, very slow and softly. Later the front door just randomly blows open, but I look at the screen door and notice it isn't moving from the wind. That one is still, coulda just been the wind.
But I put a lightbulb in J's bedroom downstairs, and am here doing homework. The light keeps flickering. I always pay attention when a light flickers. Always. Sometimes I'm able to shrug it off. Sometimes lights do just flickr.
The light keeps flickering at certain times. I know what he's saying, despite me trying to ignore it. I picked up the phone to call the guy I'm currently dating. I press his name to call, get a flickr, so I hang up. I sit there for a couple minutes, then pick up my phone to call him again. I press his name, light immediately flickrs. I hang up.
Frustrated, I try calling a third time. He doesn't even answer. A few seconds later, the light flickers. "I told you so" Comes to my mind.
I start to ignore the light. There's not a consistent amount of time in between flickers. I start to get frustrated cuz I don't know what it means.
I'm doing my laundry and light hasn't been doing anything. Then as soon as I pick up E's mom's sweater, the light flickers. "Got ya" He says that time. I can't avoid the fact that it flickered at the moment I touched the most sentimental article of clothing, the one that was most important to me, while doing my laundry.
I go upstairs and do some homework. I come back down and light is fine. I get on my computer and I take a photo on photobooth. Light flickers immediately after the shutter stops. I'm like ok, I get it. I'm being vain. But I go to take another one like a minute later, and as soon as the shutter stops, light flickrs.
It's flickered a million times as I write this. I can't write every detail, but it keeps flickering at the precise moment. It flickers at other times too, like just now. I can't tell if it is a warning, or a message of hope, or what. He's probably telling me I'm off the wagon.
I just remembered I forgot the most important detail lol. I start to record a video after the two flickrs after I take a photo on photobooth. The video stops recording, on its own, at the 1:11 mark. My hands were not near the trackpad. They know what I pay attention to. I should probably just start to listen.
This, in conjunction with the most recent tarot card reading I was called to receive, leads me to the conclusion that it is over with 8th house sun.
I was so pissed after that reading. The first two tarot readings I got occured in a similar fashion. I was drawn in to the first one, then the second one. I had been wanting another for a week or two, but the time didn't feel right. Then one night, I felt pulled into a tiktok live. I was like I'm over this, exited out. But then a few minutes later, same tiktok live shows up again. I'm like fine. The dude is saying a lot of things that align with me.
The reading didn't tell me what I wanted to hear. He said the cycle had been closed, it was over. 8th house sun had moved on. He said I was still holding onto something that was preventing me from moving on, and he was right. I've been pushing it off for very very long. I don't want to give it up, but I think it's well past time.
Hard drugs. Hard problems.
Functional + Generational Addiction are hard. Why me, God? Wasn't being gay in the South enough? I didn't fall into the stereotypes. I wasn't a drug addict cliché. No one ever said anything. Why didn't anyone ever say anything?
Kyle. I can see that you are a little fucked up. Or, you look like you had a long night. No one ever said a thing. It turns out because they didn't actually know. Not always. Not even the times I was so sure they did.
222
"a long and difficult cycle will soon be over". That was the tarot card I pulled. It had the moon sign of what the moon would be in on my birthday last year. I saw 222 constantly while I was getting sober.
Well, soberish. Sober-adjacent. Or just drug addict in denial.
But no offense, if you can't tell if I have used, it makes it less desirable to quit. I know the health problems. I know it makes me a bad person. But so did being gay. So why should I care who thinks I'm a bad person or not. I still do though. And it ate me alive for years.
The inner turmoil was the worst of it, come to find out.
Leaving every social interaction wondering if they could tell. If they knew. It started to overshadow everything. Every moment of my day. It was always in the back of my mind. That I had done meth. That I was technically on meth. We all know the stereotypes. But I went to work. I went to school. I paid my bills. I got good grades. I took showers, brushed my teeth. I went to dinners, events, funerals, birthday parties. No one ever said anything. No one ever asked.
But I would read their faces. Their expressions. Any sign or glimpse that they knew my dirty little secret. Any hunch that I was exposed, and that they knew. Oh how terrible it would feel. To be just a dirty drug addict. It truly was Hell. Even worse than being gay.
